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This is a question Take my Mother-in-law...

There's a reason there are so many bad jokes about mothers-in-law. You don't choose them, they just come along as emotional baggage with your object of affection. I'm lucky, my m-i-l is lovely*, but don't let that put you off telling us how mad your in-laws really are.

*No, really

(, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:48)
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I wish she was mine!!!
I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my brother's.

The first time myself and our entire family met her was in the usual time honoured tradition of a drinking binge in the sunshine or their garden. After a lovely meal she had cooked we all let the alcohol take control and allowed our real personalities to shine through. With us being Northerners and them being Southerners, for my part, this mostly consisted of me doing a brilliantly accurate (and therefore terrible sounding) Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins style cock-er-ney accent. Okay I basically spent about three hours shouting 'ELLOOOOOOO MARYYYYYYYYY' at the top of my lungs whenever there was more than two seconds of silence. They actually smiled. Slightly. The first time. I also thought it would be hilarious to call my brother's prospective MIL 'my new mummy' at every available opportunity. Far from putting the shits up her, she actually seemed flattered by this.

So a few drinks later and the conversation is still going strong. Now, my parents are very straight laced. They were both virgins on their wedding night and have never tried anything stronger than lemsip. The MIL however, is a different kind of person. She decides now is the time to regale us with the following story...

She was twenty odd and living in funky 70's London when a man comes to her door. He's "sex on legs" with a mane of hair that reaches his waist and trying to flog a picture he's painted. The MIL says "he looked like a god, his painting was alright too" so she invites him in and tells him so, but also that she can't afford it. Without speaking this man simply produces "a massive spliff".

At this point my parents tense slightly.

Heavily under the influence (both in flashback and current time) the MIL informs us that, still without a word being spoken, they spontaneously start having sex. She goes into great detail telling us all how fantastic it was and then, with the caveat "I'm presuming it was because I was so high but I'm not totally sure" that during the deed they were actually floating several feet above the floor. I'm trying not to laugh and my parents are now openly exchanging glances. Seeming to sense this the MIL decides maybe she should end the story quickly and does so with the following phrase that will live with me forever.

"And then he turned into a fox and ran away."

She said this with such seriousness that I choked on my beer and fell onto the floor, spasming between laughing my arse off and trying not to die. The result? My parents in a shocking departure from their usual selves think she's brilliant. I of course love 'my new mummy' and think she's as mad as a box of frogs. Brill.
(, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 9:15, closed)

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