Take my Mother-in-law...There's a reason there are so many bad jokes about mothers-in-law. You don't choose them, they just come along as emotional baggage with your object of affection. I'm lucky, my m-i-l is lovely*, but don't let that put you off telling us how mad your in-laws really are.
*No, really
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chthonic, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:48)
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Olive - a sour, rounded, hard little fruit, usually soused in gin.
Where to start? Is it compulsory to hate your mother-in-law, some sort of hidden genetic subconscious thing which drives us to dream of throttling the bitch?
Take my mother-in-law, the lovely Olive. (I wish someone would). She’s the most ignorant, useless, obnoxious, idle, loud-mouthed witch, but thankfully she lives 300 miles away so we don’t see her that often. But when she does come to visit, boy, does she get on my tits.
‘What do you fancy for dinner, Olive?’
‘Errrm anything, don’t you worry about me, I’ll just have what you’re having’
I hate answers like that. So fucking unhelpful.
So she gets whatever the family feast is tonight…..and I don’t care what it is, she doesn’t like it. She turns up her nose, pokes it suspiciously with a fork a few times, then whines’ Errrrm, I don’t like this, it smells funny, I think it’s off, can you just do me a plate of chips? None of those arty-farty oven chips, mind you, I want proper saturated full-fat cardiac-arrest jobs, fried in whale-dip’. But don’t mind me, I’m not that hungry…….
She can keep that up for hours. She can whinge and moan for England. Sits there like a deformed fat spider puffing away at her fags and dripping poison in whatever ear she can force into a corner. She’s hard of hearing, but won’t wear a hearing aid. She has a hide like a rhinoceros, totally oblivious to any hint or subtlety, the only way to get her attention is to kick her viciously up her fat arse, then shout very loudly in her wax-ridden ears, using language it’s impossible to misinterpret.
‘Why don’t you fuck off home, you miserable ratbag!!!’ ‘You’ve been here a month, don’t you think the rest of the coven are missing you?’
‘Eh? What did you say? Do I want another pie? Only if it’s better than the last one, it looked a bit off that one, anyone would think you’re trying to poison me!!! And do us some chips, I think my arteries are starting to loosen up a bit!! Hehehehehhehe…….sounds of demented cackling which seems to go on for weeks.
How can a demented old harridan like that be the mother of a sweet natured girl like my beloved?
It’s a
(, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 10:13, Reply)
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