Hookers - the prequel...
One evening, a group of us went out and got into a tangle. We'd spent the evening dancing, talking and attempting to chat up girls, all of which left us feeling remarkably horny by the time we got home. We attempted to sate our appetite by using diversionary tactics; we put a box on Slim's head and lit it, managed to set fire to the kitchen, but it was all in vain. We itched for nubile and easy women.

Slim had had an obsession with prostitutes for many years; his girlfriend was chaste, they had been together years and had lost their virginity to one another. Slim though, had always wanted a whore, and had never had one. At about 3am he said "Guys, who's up for going to a brothel?". Immediately Whelan acquiesced, on the condition Slim paid. I said yes too, on the same terms. Slim was that fucked up he agreed, and we called a taxi.

After trying to get admitted to the two "massage parlours" we knew of and finding them closed we asked the driver for his recommendation. He took us to Attercliffe (recognisable as the area sung about by the Arctic Monkeys in "When the Sun Goes Down"), and we found it... After being charged £10 each as a cover, we were escorted to a lounge area, and encouraged to pay a fiver for warm coke and other soft drinks; being wrecked and chewing my face off, I was grateful for this.

For our enty fee we were allowed to use the showers and sauna, before choosing a whore, paying extra, and doing what we pleased...

We went for a shower (which was blissful, and I took the opportunity to double drop again), and before long Whelan and I were sat chatting, debating whether we really wanted to fuck a whore. During this conversation Slim bounded enthusiastically out of the shower, bollock naked with balls swinging about, before drying himself in full view of us and yelling "Come On! Let's go fuck some prozzies!" Whelan and I looked at one another and thought, "OK!"

We went back into the lounge, where the employees were sitting, and took stock. There were, I think, between 5 and 7 women sitting down in lingerie having very mundane conversation; one struck me as being really cute, a short brunette with a lovely figure and pretty face. I nominated her. Slim chose the Madam, a fattish, filthy looking blonde dressed in leather, and Whelan chose a relatively nondescript woman; we all avoided the older woman, aged 50+, looking hideous, with a scrawny figure that would disgrace a crack whore.

Whelan and I took £50 off Slim, and we all retired to separate bedrooms. My whore asked what I wanted, and, faced with the possibility of shagging her, I froze; I didn't really want to have sex with her (knowing she was a hooker!) so I said I'd give her £20, for nothing, and keep the rest of the cash myself. She said fine, and we went back downstairs.

I had a laugh with this girl, and we did a few lines together sharing some jokes and a spliff. About 20 mins later, Whelan walked out, looking a bit underwhelmed; he joined us and we continued our relaxed banter until a futher half hour later Slim came out, looking the worse for wear and a bit sheepish.

He rushed us out of the brothel, and we made our way home, all being a little quiet. Whelan asked why I'd been so quick, and I confessed that I hadn't fucked her. When asked why, I confessed; I'd bottled it, and the idea was a turn on but the reality wasn't. Whelan agreed; he'd got nuts deep in his slut, but her pornstar moaning the minute he was in her was a turn off, and he'd gone floppy, having to resort to having her wank while he wanked onto her tits to come.

We laughed, and asked Slim if it had lived up to his expectations. He ummed and aahed, and was generally evasive. Sensing an embarrassment we continued to push him, and eventually he confessed; he'd gone with the dirty bitch, and couldn't get it up, even when she tried sucking him, stroking his balls, and even shoving her fingers up his arse.

Poor Slim; cost him nearly £200, and he didn't even get to come; his hooker dreams were thwarted for a few weeks more...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 16 Sep 2010, 14:01, 1 reply)

Your attitude to women...
...is very disturbing. Are you a lorry driver?
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 17:54, closed)