I'm amazed I forgot this one. It came up in conversation yesterday and I had to add it
My friend Mark (named changed to protect the filthy bugger) has Crohns Disease. Now, for those of you who don't know of the disease, it causes ulcers on the digestive system. Peristalsis then hurts. A lot.
Anyway it comes and goes in waves, and my friend Mark was in the middle of a bad patch. Every time he ate he was in agony, and he couldn't even use drink to numb the pain as the alcohol just aggravated the symptoms.
Flash to a party. It's the summer of 2005, he's aged 17, and he's hornier than a mountain goat with surgically enlarged... you get the picture.
The party is at the house of a good friend, who I shall call Carly. As everyone else drank, me and Mark stayed sober (I can never drink when I'm with him as it makes me feel bad), and after a few hours, Carly comes up to Mark and comes onto him. They canoodle for a while, his hands disappearing up her top from time to time. They disappear. Twenty minutes later she comes rushing downstairs, screaming.
So what had happened?
They went to her mother's bedroom, and there she decided to take his virginity, telling him so. Dear Mark was naked within four seconds flat. They canoodled naked, and a spot of mouth-to-genital action occurred. Then it got bad. Mark wanted sex, Carly wanted sex, Mark's Crohns disagreed. Racked with pain, but ignoring it because he was about to get his end away, Mark got a condom, and began to do the deed.
As the pain gets worse, Mark gets a bit more staccato with his movements, so Carly decides she wants to go on top. This happens for about thirty seconds, and Mark is getting close. However her weight is really hurting his intestines, where most of his ulcers are, so he flips her onto her back and begins the vinegar strokes.
Crohns causes diarrhoea. Moments before he has his first inside-woman orgasm, Mark's bowels open. What can only be described as noxious effluent from the deepest pits of hell expels itself from his now-burning ring-hole.
It sprays on the bed, it sprays on the floor, it sprays on Carlys mother's wardrobe. Worst, some of it dribbles down and onto Carly. Who doesn't realise what it is, and at first thinks the condom split in a really odd way.
Mark realises first. Pulls out, and tries to waddle to the en-suite, now uncomfortable because he's majorly unsatisfied, still gushing from his behind. So now there is a trail of shite in the bedroom. Finally he plonks his arse down and much splashing ensues.
Carly is still lying on her back, fairly oblivious, until the long-drawn out splashing from the bathroom suggests something isn't right. The smell hits her. She looks down, screams, screams some more, and runs out of the room stark naked, shit covering her.
They had to redecorate the bedroom, the hallway from where Carly spread it, and then recover the seat she sat herself down in.
Needless to say, we were never invited back there.
Apologies for length. He still hasn't properly had to.
( Dave the Mighty, Tue 31 Oct 2006, 15:26, Reply)