Pet StoriesWhen one of my cats was younger and a lot fatter, he came bowling in from the garden with an almighty crash. Looking slightly stunned, he'd arrived into the kitchen having ripped the cat flap from the door and was still wearing it as a cat-tutu. Did I mention he was quite fat?
In honour of Jake, a well loved cat, who died on Wednesday, tell us your pet stories and cheer us up.
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chthonic, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 9:15)
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CatsReasons why cats are fucking shite:
1. They are NOT LOYAL. A guy at work paid £200 for this like, rare breed of cat (aren't they all the same, scratchy fucking bastards) and let it out to pee (it was too THICK to learn how to use the cat flap or the litter tray) and it fucked off to a neighbours house. The brand of kitty food must have been far superior, 'cos the little shit never came back! My dog Gypsy once got lost in the countryside of Yorkshire and she still came home the next day - that's loyalty for you!
2. They are THICK. You try and teach your cat to bring your newspaper and it will look at you like you've pissed on it's dinner. You feed them, you love them, you buy them little toys, and how do they repay you?! WORK GODDAMMNIT YOU FELINE SCROUNGER!
3. They are UNHYGENIC. Oh, I've just got in from work. What I would like is my slippers. But no. What do I find? Half a dead mouse and a shit on the rug YOU CAT BASTARD. Can I fill up the tub and give you a bath? Can I balls, you're having a wash by licking your bits. Dirty little bleeder.
4. They are VICIOUS. When I visit my dog-owning mates their pets bound up to me, well excited, wagging their tails and demanding playful attention. When I visit my cat owning mates and merely sit in the vicinity of said cat, I'm covered in bleeding scratches and the remainder of my £40 jumper HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PAY THIS BACK YOU VILE BEAST!?
I don't like cats.
(, Mon 11 Jun 2007, 14:30, Reply)
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