job interviews
i have just had the most calamitous interview ever, i could not have fucked it up more if had just whipped my cock out and declared my love for bum sex with Alsatian puppies. so what are your stories of interview fuck ups or moments of pure genius?
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 22:46, Reply)

It's a small world
The other year whilst attending a colleague's leaving do I found myself chatting up one of her mates. After about 20 mins of getting nowhere I gave up and spent the rest of the night playing pool. The next evening on my way home from another do I jumped on the tube did my usual nutter sweep only to find the girl I'd been chatting up the night before holding onto the very same poll I'd just latched onto a second before. Once I'd managed to convince her I wasn't stalking her we had a nice chat then she went her way I went mine and I've never seen her again since.
What's your "It's a small world" story?
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 17:25, Reply)

BBQ's
Its summer, so lets hear your burning down shed/house, mutilation stories
(Acidhouse, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 16:39, Reply)

Courtroom, more like a circus
I've just finished a two week stint on jury service, despite my reservations it's been a real laugh, some dodgy case of domestic abuse that was like a 6 hour jeremy kyle without the adverts and the bloke behind me sleeping through most of the case.

I'm sure that whether on the jury, as a witness or in the dock there are some good courtroom tales
(bluehamster, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 11:52, 1 reply)

Girls Scream Aloud.
Its been a good week for freedom of speech, and all round common sense: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/8124059.stm

So in the spirit of the law, which band would you dismember, and in what order?

For bonus points though, the devil as always, is in the detail.
( I have run out of coke scum, subhuman scum, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 0:18, Reply)

Working Abroad
Whether it's been a month, a year, a decade as an expat, tell us your horror/happy stories about working abroad!
(Mr. Cunt is in Stevie's Nicks., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Tramps.
There have been some excellent stories in previous QOTWs involving tramps, burn-outs and the homeless insane.
Let's collect up our hobo-tales around the burning oil-drum.
( Kaol is NOT in denial, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 11:58, Reply)

belly's gonna get you
In stark contrast to the usual b3tard stereotype, some of us make frequent use of our gym memberships.

Naturally, being a b3tan means that haplessness usually occurs. So far I've broken three exercise bikes and two running machines in pursuit of endorphine nirvana, not to mention concussing myself, grazing my knees and most distressingly, bruising my testicles.

What pitfalls have you had to endure in pursuit of the body beautiful?
(PJM Does not love Liberace, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 10:33, 5 replies)

Claim to fame
My most tenuous claim to fame is that my mother-in-law used to work in a Fish & Chip shop that Joe Longthorne used to frequent.

What's your most tenuous caim to fame? The more vague the better; your cousin once fitted a carpet for Barry Took - that sort of thing
(Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic We be bubble monsters! Rawrrr, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:56, Reply)

SHIT - The story continues
I think it is high time that we re-open the shit files. It has been long enough since the last, pant shittingly good, installment.

Give the B3tards what they want, stories about caca, nightsoil, caviar, bum gravy, arse chutney, thick brown soup, rich gravy, fizzy bisto and whatever other shit related names you can think of!
(cancer joy was short lived, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 16:21, Reply)

when your life fell apart around you - how did you turn things around
i got burned badly taking a job in dubai with a bunch of twunts - www.b3ta.com/questions/theboss/post460435

when the shit hit the fan and the arse fell out of your life - how did you pick yourself up and get on with it
( spimf ™ http://ominousdubai.blogspot.com, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 14:26, Reply)

Walked in on.
Surprisingly, mine is quite clean. This time at my friend's house, we were watching TV, and he left the room to go to the toilet. On TV, there was a scene where a man was punching himself in the temples, and screaming really loudly. I was thinking, "Hang on. It can't hurt THAT much, surely?" so I tried it. Just lightly hit myself in the temple. I looked over to the door, and it turns out one of my mate's mam's friends was looking in the window the whole time. She must have thought I was completely insane.

Have you ever made a fool of yourself in front of others, or been walked in on at an inappropriate moment?
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 13:19, 1 reply)

Techincal Fails
There's a guy my other half works with who, among other things, is convinced that Microsoft have 24 hour access to his computer and mess with it while he's not looking, but insists that he's totally tech-savvy.

Who do you know that just shouldn't be allowed near modern technology?
(TuftyBee really needs a job..., Thu 25 Jun 2009, 12:27, Reply)

Shagging
Just to annoy Friz.

That is all.
(PJM Does not love Liberace, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 12:16, 1 reply)

Nice but dumb
I prevented someone from getting arrested this week, at considerable expense to myself. What nice but dumb things have you done lately? (Note: "your mum" is not a valid answer.)
( crackhouseceilidhband - Just don't get blood on the walls, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 9:12, 1 reply)

Speed
I love the kick in the arse a fast car gives you when you put your foot down. I adore hurtling down a hill on a mountain bike with water streaming from my eyes. Roller-coasters, however, have me cowering in fear at the mere sight of them*

Do you love or hate going fast?

* I realise this fear is totally shit.
( Noely Noel Silent, you motherfucker! I said NO SQUEAKS!, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 9:04, 1 reply)

Freakish accidents
Subtitled "Dear Christ that hurt". We all know that the pain of others is amusing.

Plus I could explain how padded bike saddles are capable of leaving permanent scars...
(MatJ wishes his arm would hurry up and heal., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 22:45, Reply)

doing things to excess
I ate 4 croissants today, that seems excessive to me but probably not to the man I saw having three English breakfasts to himself in a cafe the other day.

What have you done to excess?
(willenium brought the internet into disrepute on,, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 20:26, Reply)

Too much information
Tell us all your personal secrets that no one wants to hear- like that rash no one knows about.
(mariam67, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 1:21, 2 replies)

cock ups
plain and simple, when, how and where

for instance i konw of a person that after been told that they need to wipe their hard drive they then proceded to take their computer apart and wipe the disk drive with a wet wipe. he then wonderd why the people who had told him to wipe it were caling him an idiot
(the one eyed man Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!, Tue 23 Jun 2009, 23:25, Reply)

the most sureal thing youve seen
Such as seeing Julius Caesar (well a living statue guy) in Cardiff yelling at some guy in the street why he shouldn’t go and beat the shit out of some guy who ran past him
(the one eyed man Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!, Tue 23 Jun 2009, 22:16, Reply)

Your life story.
In 100 words or (preferably) less.
( Is this a Woodside I see before me?, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 19:48, Reply)

"If I had the money...."
I would buy a motorhome, load it up with booze and drugs then get myself to fuck....

But what would YOU do?
(cancer joy was short lived, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 15:44, Reply)

With friends like these...
Have you ever been let down by a friend? Or just dropped in it, however accidentally?

Get it off your chest. You never know - it might be cathartic.
( TheMagicDwarf is still counting those fucking pennies..., Mon 22 Jun 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Unfortunate Photos
Maybe you were in the middle of blinking, singing or sneezing, but sometimes photos are taken of you or your friends which make you look a bit... simple. Or maybe a guy behind you holding up an umbrella makes it look like you're wearing a poncey hat. Share all the embrassing photos you have.

[I thought of this, because then we won't get a whole week of people somehow reverting the question to sex stories, lies or honda accords]

EDIT: I SUGGEST CALLING IT "PICS OR GTFO"
( Friz., Sat 20 Jun 2009, 14:59, 44 replies)

Shopping distasters
Ever knocked over a carefully stacked pyramid of canned baby corn, 80's kids movie-style?
Found a turd under one of the shelves?

Tell us your shopping mishaps, and why you'll be using Tesco online for the rest of your life.
(I'm not here was here on, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 10:33, Reply)

One word:
Bicycles.

Tell us your stories.
(sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:55, 1 reply)

Meh
Blackpool illuminations? - just bits of plastic on lamp-posts.
First sex? - damp and uncomfortable
Champagne? - makes you burp vinegar


What is all the fuss about? I don't get it
(seeballs, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 20:22, Reply)

Practical Jokes and Gags gone wrong.
Those times when revenge was yours and it litrally got you not the intended target.

What are your pranks / practical joke stories then went horibly wrong ?
(tfi049113 Was found alive on, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:08, Reply)

I like driving in my car
From motorway pile up to Sunday drivers – tell us your motoring stories!

Maybe you solved crime whilst driving a Honda Accord? Maybe you had a VW Beetle with a mind of its own?

From passing your test, thru your first car and back again.

It’s not quite a Jaguar
(Mullered now has reflective shot. He also needs food, badly, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 13:40, Reply)