shows how thick i am
and not a little pissed to be admitting this at this time after a night spent mostly "singing" karaoke...

my new flat has 2 bedrooms, mine and flatmate's. victorian flat, second floor, original doors and keys. my lock works, hers doesn't. now it so happens that one of the things i keep her around for is disposing of spiders, as those 8 legged pieces of pure evil terrify me more than anything. so one night the other week, she was out, and a mammoth spider was most definitely IN.

in my bedroom, to be specific. i clocked it as i was getting into bed, all warm and scented and relaxed after a nice bath. for a minute i froze, and we eyed each other. then the spider waved a leisurely menacing (leg? tentacle? it was the size of a hairy garden hose) and i was the one who scuttled off, straight into flatmate's bedroom. i got into bed and curled up into a little ball, absolutely convinced and terrified that it was going to come after me and do something awful.

i managed to fall asleep, but at about 3am i was jolted wide awake by two gunshots inside the flat. i nearly joined the bedsh1tter and shat flatmate's bed, i really did. surely the fucking spider hadn't managed to get itself a couple of sawnoffs? or had it? i was also convinced i could hear breathing and footsteps. i tried to breathe as if i were asleep, but it kept coming out all jerky and choppy. and loud. why had i never realised before that i breathe like an obscene telephone caller?

eventually i'd had enough. i had to investigate. i clambered out of bed and tiptoed down the hall. the dark was silent and enveloping. the flat seemed to be empty and i began to relax. then, as i got to the archway that opens onto the kitchen, there was another crack of gunfire. i screamed and screamed and clutched at the wall. then i figured hang on a minute rswipe, that can't possibly have been a gun...

i sniffed around the kitchen and finally opened the drinks fridge only to find that flatmate had turned it up waaaay too high, and three glass bottles of san pellegrino had burst like fireworks. this was annoying and messy but not life threatening. however, by this point my nerves were shot and i could still hear 137 burglars in the flat. i had the choice - share the bedroom that locked with the giant black spider of death, or lie alone and shaking in the one that didn't.

in the end, i put my ipod and wallet outside my flatmate's room as a peace offering to the burglars and lay shivering under the duvet...

only in the morning did i realise quite how thick and cowardly i truly am!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 25 Feb 2007, 3:04, Reply)