Secret Stealer
When I was at sixth form we did a Secret Stealer one year.

We each pulled names out of a hat and the object was to shoplift a gift for that person. I don't remember what I procured but you could tell which shops were known for their lax security by the plethora of trinkets from a select few outlets in town.

I have often tried to revive this as a Christmas tradition but no one seems to want to take up the challenge.
(atomkinder is deeply unfashionable, Tue 26 Dec 2006, 13:43, Reply)

Student Laziness
Ah, Secret Santa. Nothing more fun than giving someone shit you don't want, or stuff you've dragged up in the discount bins of a charity shop. This year, our little uni flat drew names at random, and each of us allocated a flatmate to buy stuff for. Being a bum, I put it off to the very last minute, at which time I'd forgotten. So cue all of us gathering in a nice circle, exchanging presents, and comes my turn:

me: I forgot...
Her:What do you mean "I forgot"?
me: I forgot to buy you a presnt.. Will *looks in wallet* a fiver *rummages through pockets* some headphones and a pen i nicked from work do?
Her:... Probably.
I come back a few hours later, she's left the pen and the headphones on the floor. The cheek of some people!
(Mead129, Tue 26 Dec 2006, 1:42, Reply)

Rodney
the office queen. well known for dogging, swinging and all things deviant.

he was bought a blow up doll, a single marigold washing up glove and a condom.

he booked himself out as "working from home" that afternoon.
(Stonkwood Pipes made me do it, Tue 26 Dec 2006, 0:06, Reply)

Coal
Mong - Your kids eat coal?? Bloody hell, in my day we were lucky to get a PICTURE of a lump of coal on Christmas day....
(niknak, Mon 25 Dec 2006, 22:25, Reply)

Santa is a complete and utter barstard
Dear Santa,

I won your "If I was Joel Veitch" contest and my prize still hasn't arrived.

Now my kids must starve as I was going to sell it on ebay to buy them coal for Christmas.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 25 Dec 2006, 14:56, Reply)

Merry Xmas one and all....
But more to the point, Humpty, would you consider selling your *cough* ornaments ?

Long time lurker etc...
(Mr. Monkey, Mon 25 Dec 2006, 1:23, Reply)

Woooooooooooooo
HAPPY CHRISTMAS MA BEAUTIFUL B3TANS!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOO WOOOOOOO
oh yea story i have none sorry jus wnted to be festive!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Mon 25 Dec 2006, 0:00, Reply)

B3ta Christmas.
Once, I picked B3ta for my secret Santa. I left a bag of flaming poo outside of B3ta Towers.

Funny thing was, though, the lazy bastards picked my name too, and didn't get me anything, not even a new QotW.

Shame.
(Fodqou, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 23:11, Reply)

Bit late now . . .
I was in Bookworld or Bargain Books or one of those cheapo book places that are permanently haveing closing down sales today and I saw a copy of Eddie Large's autobiography for 4.99. Would have been a great secret santa pressie. Always next year I suppose. . . .
(garrison, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 21:10, Reply)

Humpty's Home Made Objects
I'm meant to be doing secret santa with humpty this year

I've got him booze,

Looking at his post below, I am VERY worried!


Happy Christmas B3tards...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 19:26, Reply)

Evenin...
Ima jus a lil curious about 2 things
1) how comes the b3ta gods have time to remove our posts which arent really posts but havent had time to change qotw?
2) which b3ta god actually has the almighty power of removin out non-post posts?

N a lil story....
my mate has jus informed me that the one grey lonely sock that he recived for secret santa this yr did have a partner it was given to another barman at the place he works last yr...so between them they have recieved a pair of grey socks from their secret santa

Happy Xmas everyone!!!!!!!! N dont forget to put out the mince pies or santa wont be happy n will only give u one sock!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 17:06, Reply)

i have just got back from work...
and have been beavering away...

www.pichotel.com/pic/5760vcBwB/104909.jpg

Feast your eyes on those puppies... two are aluminium, one is stainless... time to anodise them i think :o)

The one on the left is a present: not exactly s asecret santa one.. the other two are to keep in the extensive armoury of humpty-made tools at home.

teh large ribbed one.. not sure if it'll be useful... but the image of giving it to my granny makes me giggle...

... it's gonna be a good xmas ;)

EDIT....

How many people have 50 liters of sulphiric Acid in thier kitchens? I've just anodised the aluminium ones... :o)
www.pichotel.com/pic/5760vcBwB/104931.jpg
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 24 Dec 2006, 15:35, Reply)

Erm.. not given to someone I hate
actually a friend.. but a few years ago I pulled the old trick of putting a brick in a shoebox, with a box of matches and a penny chew (with pirate transfer!) sellotaped to it.

Upon receiving such a large, heavy, rattling present a week before Christmas sure enough I was bought a large, heavy and rattling present in return (a rather elaborate wok set I'll have you know!).

Oh how we both laughed on Christmas morning
(BeardyMat, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 11:52, Reply)

i normally get deoderant/shower stuff
got home to visit the folks for a week an forgot to bring deodorant, no problem thinks i there should be a couple under my bed. nope my mother appears to have pinched them to wrap up for other people and im stuck in a small village miles from any shops and thanks to her i smell too

fingers crossed for a fresh supply tomorrow

Edit: the same aunt that got be BO basher last year got it me again this year, yay!

apologies for being slightly off topic (and for my huge you know what)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 11:42, Reply)

New job, 1st Xmas party, Oh dear.........
Shortly after starting a new job where my older bother had pulled a few strings to get me on board, I was invited to a private party held by a member of his department. My bother was a senior manager and ranked above most that attended from our work, I was supposed to be on my best behaviour as it was by way of introducing me to his colleagues. The night went well and I got to meet everyone, played silly party games and impressed the females in attendance by lighting a real fire in the fireplace to warm the place up a bit. The host had received a massive Scalextric set, which was up and running in one of the adjoining ground floor rooms of the house. The party ran into the night and all were welcome to sleep over wherever they dropped. I recall thinking it would be a good idea to crash-out by the fire for warmth and was awoken in the early hours by a rather annoying beep? Every thirty seconds it went off and there was no way of getting back to sleep. So I investigated and discovered it was coming from the next room. The room was almost bear except for the Scalextric layout and the noise was louder. I stumbled around in the darkness and unplugged the transformer, but still the noise wouldn’t stop. I was also bursting for a pee at this point and with my electrical background I knew water could cause a short circuit…
…so there I was pissing all over this guy’s new present as his girlfriend flicked the light switch on and caught me in the act (and it was one of those unstoppable boozed-up police horse type urinations that I couldn’t stem!) …oh dear.
Due to the remoteness of the location, leaving the scene wasn’t an option so I had to suffer the indignity of my total embarrassment the following morning as everyone was informed of my night-time activity. You can imagine my brother’s reaction as we hurriedly made our exit, although my then sister-in-law thought it was very funny.
The story went round the office like wildfire afterwards and I still get reminded of it each Christmas, though the party invites have stopped?!! I found out later that it was someone’s mobile phone beeping away behind a curtain in the same room, just a missed call alert.
(minky, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 11:38, Reply)

Santa, Secret? Ha!
Do not EVER tell your eight year old son ANYTHING regarding Christmas presents....



I know what I've got from Mr Chickenlady now...


well, it was what I asked for....But that's not the bloody point!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 24 Dec 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Nothing to do with the QOTW...
...But its the sort of thing you sick bastards will probably appreciate, my drunken younger brother just took half a piss on our phone.

Merry fucking Christmas.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 23:23, Reply)

Sweeties....
...i wish i worked wit humpty....
...and somethin to keep this on the board...ma mate had a secret santa the other day..he got a sock...not a pair just one grey lonely sock
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 22:32, Reply)

fallen angels.
and mine :(

no x-mas entertainment for us bad bad peoples.

Earlier this afternoon I raided the office.. the x-mas sweetie baskets are still overflowing... SORRRY.. WERE still Overflowing. I'm now sat here like a gurgling and happy retard... all excited because I have over 6 kilos of sweeties....

more like a "Secret Grinch" thing really :o/

Mine... ALLLL MINE!! :D
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 23 Dec 2006, 21:12, Reply)

Not Secret Santa but vaguely related
My brother ordered a David Bowie Platinum Collection CD for his girlfriend.

Then he dumped her.

Without cancelling the order.

So now we have a Bowie CD that looks too good to give away. In fact its right next to me now.
Its not wrapped in pain-in-the-arse celophane either so I might be able to copy the songs and still give it away.
Hmm...
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 20:34, Reply)

My secret santa gift...
...b3ta gods took away my posts
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 19:34, Reply)

Not me but my girlfriend...
She was really looking forward to this year's secret santa at her office. She went out and found a tabletop bowling set for a fiver. (I really wanted it but she said it was under pain of death, so I let it be.)

Friday comes, everyone gets their secret santa present, and what does she get?

Oh no, not something fun, or even something worrying from the fellas at work.

She gets a Ream of A4 paper. 500 crisp white sheets of finest laser-quality cellulose. Which she had to carry home on the train from Liverpool St.

"I did need some paper though" was the only thing I could think of to say....
(bouncybadders http://file-city.co.uk - Image & file storage, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

christmas bliss
a few years ago..at work we got the choice of a chicken /turkey/beef/pork meat,aswell as a nice bottle,i went with the chicken and a bottle of finest whiskey..while the firm had all the lads in the yard..bagging up rubbish etc..the gaffers were in the office putting everyones carrier bags with there choice of meat and bottle..when the time came all the lads went in..i grabbed my bag and headed out the office door..on stepping out my bag decided to rid itself of the weight bearing load...needless to say ,my chicken rolled down the yard..and my prized bottle of whiskey,commited suicide on the stone step outside...bah humbug
(tavish Strongbow is my life, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 14:45, Reply)

pointless santa
not to out of the ordinary or as bizarre as some here.

I used to be one of the Network people in a company that had named all their servers after Star Wars characters, about 30 of the buggers. Some starter after me, musta noticed these, and how we had to research for more character names for new servers, to 'conform with the naming policy' (yeah right fuckwit), and musta heard me commenting on the last film or something, coz 2 years running i got Star Wars calendars.

And someone caught wind i like a beverage, so i got a crate of Guinness, wouldn't have been to bad, bet theres loads here that would have liked it, but i cant stand the stuff.

I used to spend months screaming obscenities about a particular person before xmas, about unrelated issues, and discovered it came from him after xmas.
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 13:30, Reply)

I always end up with the lynx promotional pack of the year
sniffs armpits - must smell or something. I wouldn't mind, but the current Mrs Grubbymitts is allergic to Lynx so I can't use it.
(grubbymitts, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 5:52, Reply)

I buy those sex card game things...
...wrap them up and stick the in random church Secret Santa programs.
( Well, not quite Will be nice for food, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 21:28, Reply)

I got a bubblegum machine. . .
And I am diabetic. The fucker's trying to kill me!

I got my secret santa recipient a bottle of cava because I am a big spender...

/Message Ends
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 14:51, Reply)