The Mayor's Granddaughter aka Crazy Liz
Being a vastly underachieving art student I ended up studying at the home for educational bottom feeders, Barnsley College. Whilst I learnt close to fuck all there (apart from 'don't screw girls who admire Kenny G') it did mean that I got to spend two years in a town with the highest concentration of freaks per square foot in the UK. It was incredible. I saw blue cats with human faces, dogs with six inch gelatinous horns sticking out of their heads and more ranting, inbred religious fanatics than you could hope to laugh at (and that was just in my street) so it was no surprise that I was also stalked there by a giant local.

My house mate (a Gelf looking crusty with triple vision in one eye) brought the stalker (known locally, if not imaginatively, as Crazy Liz) home from the student bar one night but had forgotten what he'd wanted a massive, rubber clad Goth for so dumped her in the living room with me and staggered off to bed. Despite looking like 6ft+ of bleached blonde, fetishist horror she seemed pleasant enough to the point where I ended up being quite nice to her despite her ruining the climax of 'Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla' for me.

This was probably my undoing as she took this as an excuse to pounce on me and belch her life story into my face. Aside from the details of her fantastical sexual preferences and other details too tedious to mention I learnt that she was a local Mayor's Granddaughter, that she was a big fan of shit eating, was terrified of brushing her teeth (a dangerous thing in a scat fan), had a constantly re-healing hymen and was going to kill me if I didn't let her deep throat me. Foul as she was (and being something of a hound at the time) I was almost tempted but thought better of it (I told myself it would be like shagging a cowpat) and after a couple of hours of recoiling from her advances she finally got the message and left the room.

I thought she'd gone off to try and conquer my house mate instead but when I didn't hear her climb the stairs (and I would have heard that bulk ascending them) I went to find her and, if my luck was in, turf her out of the house. I quickly discovered her in the kitchen digging a bloody groove into her arm with a craft knife from my art box. I asked her to stop and she replied that she'd only do so if I slept with her, which I refused so she started crying and resumed the arm hacking.

To stop her (and still keeping the idea of that free blowjob in my head) I said I would, at which point she put the knife down and began serenading me with dirty traditional folk songs. I again saw sense (as well as a vision of a flirty cowpat), turned her down and the process of tears and slashing began again and continued for some time. The following few hours were a surreal blur of imposing flesh, flashing blades, the stench of stale shit and harrowing folk tunes and the exact details are sketchy but the upshot was that she ended up following me to college the next morning with bandaged arm. After several hours of suffering her eerie presence I finally managed to shake her off in the library (no pun intended) and hoped that was the end of it.

Of course it wasn't. She followed me around for months afterwards trying to coax me into her (in front of her meek and terrified looking boyfriend) and intimidating my girlfriends before finally transferring her attentions onto my friend Sticky Geoff. When she amazingly failed to pull him with the awesome line 'I have a shallow vagina so like small penises' she went back to following me around until I graduated and got out of that God forsaken town.



A year later she managed to track down my phone number in Salford and invited herself to visit. I gave her a bogus address in Moss Side and haven't heard from her since, though part of me misses her. Nothing boosts the esteem like being the object of someone's fevered obsession, even if they do look like the Michelin man at a Marilyn Manson gig.

I won't apologise for length, Sticky Geoff never did.
(mudflaps, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 12:48, 3 replies)

have a click
for having a mate called Sticky Geoff.

Don't tell me why he's called that though.

Thanks.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 12:56, closed)

"belch her life story into my face"
excellent....have clicky woo
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Thu 7 Feb 2008, 13:13, closed)

!
"I ended up being quite nice to her despite her ruining the climax of 'Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla' for me."

So you did shag her?
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 13:27, closed)