Drunkenloaf
Actually, it's pronounced ver-SAILES in Ohio, and I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that most of them don't sound how you'd might think.

But I guess my point was that if you're not actually FROM somewhere, it's pretty likely that you won't know all the cultural idioms when you go and visit someplace else. To me, that's not really any reason to mock someone.

And the US is a gigantic country. It can't all be blackjack and hookers and big American party all the time. You gotta stick the factories and farms someplace, same with every country.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:43, Reply)

ey, Frogservo
Versailles? As in the treaty/ palace of?

Actually, the place names don't seem too difficult. And indeed, most tourists would probably ask the correct pronounciation, or at least would probably be corrected.

Like the American woman on the train to London that called Reading "Reading"-- as in "I was reading a book". I laughed, corrected her, now she's slightly more cultured.

The big question is, would most Brits want to go to the mid-west. I find most of the USA PAINFULLY DULL.

Edit. I'm having trouble here with ver-SAILES. Would that be the same as ver-SAILS (a boat). We need phonetics here.
Ah, well, the name has been corrupted (probably) by you lot. I'd still ask how to pronounce it if I ever went there.
Still. b3ta might be more British than any other country, but it seems the sheer volume of 'Merkin' stories from all around the world says something about American tourists. Odd, as American ex-pats all seem to be witty, clever and nice people.
( drunkenoaf, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:35, Reply)

je suis dim
i couldn't spell "so" right either i notice ... curseflaps, sinsin att, er ... sin sen atay... nope ... okay, so it was a manchester glazers baseball cap but everything else stands ... and i didn't say what nationality the loud people were (but fair enough, it certainly wasn't norwegian)

why can't we all just get along?
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:17, Reply)

re: writerblock
You may very well be able to speak English, but you sure as hell can't spell Cincinnati.

If you're going to make a reference to my favorite baseball team, next time try and get the spelling right.

Also, I'd advise many of you never to venture into Ohio, or much of the midwest for that matter. Your smug sense of superiority might begin to vanish as you try and pronounce names like Olentangy, Versailles, Chillicothe, Kinnikinnick, Cuyahoga, or Allegheny.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 21:55, Reply)

Every once and awhile...
you get a real laugh at work.

I worked in a bank for four years during high school and the summer after my first year of uni, as a teller. Being from a pretty little town in northern British Columbia, noted far and wide for it's beautiful scenary, excellent hunting and fishing, and friendly locals, we got more than our fair share of tourists. Summer time had the highways and hotels packed, and seeing as we were the only finiancial establishment open on Saturdays, we did a lot of currency exchange. Our area drew a lot of German tourists, all whom were very pleasant and surprised I knew enough of their language to make their finiancial transactions less distressful.

But one of the best tourist encounter I had at the bank was one lovely Saturday in July. This American couple came to my wicket to exchange some cash (funny coloured money as most of them called it). I had a very nice chat about sightseeing destinations with the woman, while her husband stood the side and just looked around like a bit of a goon. After exchanging cash and giving them ten minutes of detailed directions to several local marvels (glaciers, double waterfalls, the like), she smiled, thanked me and they were on their way. Then her husband looked at me square in the eye and said, "Did you know you've got the only last name in here I can pronounce?".

Our town has a lot of german and dutch influence, so it's commonplace for people to have dutch and german sounding names. Some of the people I worked with had names like Giglberger, Hamhuis, Oevermann, Poohachoff, and the like. My last name is Edwards. So, during the entire conversation I had been having with his wife, he had been trying to figure out how to pronounce the other tellers' names.

Classy. I laughed my ass off the minute they walked out.
(chaoticmatter, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 21:34, Reply)

Chavs on Tour
Staying in my mothers apartment in Turkey, heard from poolside at midday everyday for two twunting weeks...

"Courtney would you like your Pot Noodle, Darren do you want a Curry or Sweet and sour one?"

They must have brought a suitcase full of the bloody things. Chicken and chips was less than a pound fifty yards away.

Sometimes I feel so proud to be British.
(Yellow Car is now red, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 21:05, Reply)

A classic yank moment
When visiting an exhibition of items recovered from the wreck of the titanic, I overheard and saw an American lady point to a collection of plates and say "Gosh! Look at the coins!"

...no more needs to be said.
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Sat 9 Jul 2005, 21:00, Reply)

but then ...
zaragoza, spain, 1990s ... wandering around town britishly with a mate, we all happened to look pale and northern euro and very 'not spanish', but mate was also sporting a cincinatti reds baseball hat for reasons too complex to explain here ... three blokes walk round corner at other side of street and say (loudly, wso entire street can hear) "hey, look, that one's even got a reds baseball cap!!!" to which it was impossible not to reply "yeah and we can speak english too you fucking imbecile" ... no other nationalities named, no packdrill ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 20:55, Reply)

not only ...
france, atlantic beach, 1980s ... loads of french and german families, lots of sun and surfing and happiness and picnics and etc ... out of the general hubbub comes a familiar screeching sound ... "darren, stop that darren or i'll give you a fuckin' smack" "waaaah" "darren fucking shut up darren" "waaaaah" etc for 20 mins ... hid and pretended to be french ... generally stupid britishness, i thenkyew
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Any and all of the Americans' attempts to get back at the Englishs' 'Stupid Americans' stories seem to simply fall back on name calling and blatent lies and usually prove everyones point for them.
So, I thought I'd lend a helping hand by pointing out, a short amount of reading through these makes it blatently evident that at least 60% of them are completely untrue regurgitated 'jokes' that prove nothing except that the tellers are really pathetic stupid English people who can't seem to NOT put an entry in even if they have no story to tell. Or read what they're contributing to before making an idiot of themselves by claiming a story happened to them when it's already been claimed 20 times before by 20 previous Stupid English People.

Honestly, guys, I think you're better off keeping quiet as I think it reflects worse on you to get angry about it! And also, frankly, some attempts at returning the compliment are fooling no one, I'm looking at YOU FleetlordVT !

Oh, and having lived and worked in York for ages, I've got a fecking million of them:

Tourists in my local ordering the Yorkshire or Black pudding and being surprised by receiving a main course savoury meal (even though it's completely understandable really, but strangely, always funny! Except for the poor staff having THAT argument for the 500th time.).

Japanese tourists and cameras, the stereotypes are all true, they're friggin deafening as curiously they seem to function like a flock of birds and all find the same thing photo-worthy simultaneously, and it can be anything, including OTHER TOURISTS!

Tourists: do not believe all the guides tell you! NO ONE knows why Whip-Ma-Whop-Ma-Gate (the shortest street in York) is called that! If you don't believe me, sit on the wall there in summer. Each guide tells a COMPLETELY different though equally incredulous story to their wide-eyed crowd, though they seem to vary on about 5 themes, I can't help but wonder if any of them from different tours compare notes later and say 'What the hell!?'.

Pseudo-posh wankers from out of town invade the place every year for the York Races and think because they can afford to hire a nice suit that they own the place and can be a pissed-up tosser and piss all over everyone elses evening. One of my regular watering holes would post a sign saying 'PRIVATE FUNCTION, invited guests only!' to stop them coming in. All the locals knew the crack so would come in anyway as 'guests' to this phantom function we were having. Worked every time!

Me and pissed mates sometimes sat outside in the bars near the river and when the (bloody annoying) tourist boats went by with their foghorns rabbiting on about the local historical objects of interest we would yell back contrary stories. "That's crap, these were all *16th* century features, NOT 18th!! Anyway, it's all bloody balsa wood and plaster and we're all actors, so NERRRR!!'" and such. Some got very pissed off, most laughed, we were ALWAYS amused, and the more drunk you got, the funnier you were!! I make no apologies, we had to live there, and I swear we got them to turn the bloody things down a few notches after a while!

Ill stop now....
( ..wil, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 20:31, Reply)

I agree
fat American cnuts deserve all the bad-mouthing and name calling they get. I have been mortified beyond belief by my countrymen. And in no way am I calling for a moratorium on stupid cracker yahoo stories, but....

May I pleeze most respectfully point out not every single American is a butthole. Some of us try really hard to pay attention, observe local customs, read the map right, pronounce things correctly, extend sympathy during a national tragedy and in general refrain from nuisancehood. Don't hate us because we're American, hate us because we act like self-centered, oblivious, toffee-nosed gits.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 20:27, Reply)

Bath.
Full of tourists, pretty much all year round. My favourite incident took place when sat on a wall once waiting for a bus, with the river Avon, a weir and a concrete flood control gate behind me.

Tourist (need I state the nationality?) points at river. "Say, is that the Roman Baths?" Me: "Why, yes it is!" Tourist: "Gee, thanks! (turns to outsized partner) - stand there honey while I take a photograph...."

And more generally: Trip Advisor (www.tripadvisor.com) is a truly wonderful resource for hilarious stories, especially the unintentionally funny ones (such as the numerous complaints about British hotels not having air conditioning as standard... in January?!)
( Ptolemy the man with the silent pea, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 20:03, Reply)

in my own country...
in the summer of 1995, several months after the oklahoma city bombing, my parents and i drove from where we lived in oklahoma city to eureka springs, arkansas for a family vacation. being tourists, we were often asked where we were from.

three times by three different female shopkeepers, we were asked if any relatives had died in the recent "world trade center" bombing (the original, not-as-successful attack in 1993). my father and i tried desperately to explain that the wtc is in new york city, not okc, and our bombing was at the federal building. they had none of it.

(if you want to be pedantic, it's the alfred p. murrah federal building that was bombed, but we thought the poor girls were confused enough without adding a building name into the mix.)
( mayonessa, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 19:34, Reply)

F***ing Americans
Heard one today in my town saying:

"I can't believe the English are still going on about that terrorist attack on Thursday"

GRR

We had to stay quiet over 9/11 for years otherwise Americans would berate you!

I absolutely HATE (And I mean that in the strongest possible terms) Americans and everything they do and believe. (They stole most of it from the English anyway)
(Elfking, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 19:11, Reply)

Oh, another one I remember...
...Although I'm fairly sure it was a local. My mother and I were visiting the Japanese American National Museum, (http://www.janm.org/,) and we were in the wing detailing the WWII concentration camps when we overheard a horrified girl exclaim:

"Incarceration?!? Doesn't that mean they burned them?"
(Mrs_Talbot, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 17:47, Reply)

At least there weren't many people watching.....
The American lady being interviewed on 5 News after the bombings referring to Londoners as Londoneers.

Bless.
(Filthy Rich, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 17:36, Reply)

Canterbury, City Of Tourist Destruction
Apparently, Canterbury is second only to venice in the number of day-tourists it gets. As a result there are several stupid tourist moments:

1. Hysterically sterotypical "fat american tourist" saying that it was such a shame that the catherdral had been demolished (?!?!?!?!).

2. Japenease tourists taking pictures of me and my frinds in our school uniforms, when asked why they replied "no one will belive us that people in britain are employed so young". (he may have been trying to joke).

3. A french kid shouted "You have sunk my battleship!" In a side splittingly funny way. Oftan repeated by me and freinds to much laughter.
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 17:10, Reply)

I didnt hear this
but my cousin did - he'd nipped into some tourist information office in Dublin with flyers for his band and he heard this American say to the girl behind the counter:
tourist - err, excuse me miss?
assistant - yes sir?
t - where can i find me some lapreeshians
a - i'm sorry sir, could you repeat that?
t - you know, lapreeshians
a - i'm sorry sir i dont. what do they look like?
t - aww come on, lapreeshians? you know, the little guys who look after their crocks of gold. (leprechauns)

my cousin laughed in this blokes face, as did all the people who worked in the shop
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Guest Of The Red Army
Visiting China with g/f about 10 years ago we pitched up in a strange town and looked for accomodation. Neither of us spoke any Chinese. Found this OK looking place, obviously a hotel or hostel, no signs in English, did the usual stupid tourist thing of miming going to sleep and waving dollars (btw I have yet to find anywhere the Mighty Greenback isn't accepted) at the receptionist. Cue much shaking of head and unintelligible explanations in Chinese. Anyway after about ten minutes he gave in, took some money and gave us a key.

The room was basic but clean, the price reasonable and we were reasonably happy. Leaving the establishment the next morning it became very obvious in the light of day that we had spent the night in a hotel owned by the Red Army (which has many commercial interests) and not meant for tourists, even stupid ones like us. God knows how much we paid over the odds, but I hope the receptionist trousered something worth his while...

Later that holiday I got to fire a Red Army machine gun (more dollar bills speaking the universal language of dosh). Great fun.
( electric_goat, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Yeah so,
in January on my way home from work I stood freezing at a bus stop, and some American guy asked me what it's like living on the equator. I like to think of him as a stupid tourist as the possibilty of Americans being able to use sarcasm is too hard a notion to grasp.
( Fictional Emma, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Pedantry and putonghua
Beast with big balls: 'See I told you honey, the White House is older'. The current Houses of Parliament was built in 1834, and most of the House of Commons is only 55 years old, since it was bombed in 1941 and rebulit in 1950. The White House was rebuilt in 1814 after we, and the Canadians, burnt the original to the ground. So the White House is actually 20 years older.

OK, pedantry done, here's a stupid tourist story. The tourist in question is, erm, me. I currently live in China and, as has been mentioned before, Mandarin (putonghua) is a bit of an arse. The main problem is the intonation. There's 4 main tones, falling tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you agree with something), rising tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you're answering someone calling your name), fall-rise tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you're doubtful about something) and high tone (imagine Joe Pasquale saying "hmm"). Basically, use the wrong tone and you have a completely different word. And, since Mandarin is ebil, all common words have incredibly rude equivalents with different tones.

So, flash to me taking a quick trip to Beijing. I need a pen to take down details of my flight. I ask a woman working in an ice cream stall nearby if she has a pen. Now, what I should say is "yo meiyo bi?" with bi as a fall-rise tone. What I actually say is "yo meiyo bi?" with bi as a rising tone. Which means "Do you have a cunt?" (no, it doesn't translate as anything more polite). I didn't notice her slightly shocked expression but, fair play to the girl, she hands me a pen. A remarkably large pen. One of the largest I've ever seen.

Yes, folks, the next sentence out of my mouth was "nide bi tai da la!". So "your pen is very big!" became "your cunt is too big!".

I'm assuming it wasn't considered a compliment because she didn't look best pleased.
(Captcheese, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Overheard at Edinburgh Castle
One of the best American bloopers I ever heard about was recalled recently in the Scotsman Newspaper - in an interview with a steward who was retiring after working at Edinburgh castle all his life, he was asked what the most bizarre thinh he had ever heard a tourist come out with his reply:

Two Americans standing at the Castle battlements looking north to Fife across the Forth of Firth (merely a few miles away)

"Hey look honey I never realised that you'd be able to see Holland from here"!!

- Once also whilst in California in 2002 I asked a 30ish year old School Teacher from New York how the city had changed since the 911 attacks - her incredibly surprised reply, which still haunts me to this day, "Oh my, YOU heard about that in the UK??" to which her friend, also a teacher, said "Oh yeah they would have - their TV is really good"
Original teacher then said "Oh cool"

???
(SPANG!, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 15:33, Reply)

I used to work on the river
Taking tourists down the Nantahala in North Carolina. The best (or worst?) I've heard:

"Do the rocks go all the way to the bottom?"
No, they float, but we anchor them down so they don't go anywhere.

"Does the river end where we started?"
Yup, this is the only river in the world that goes in a circle.
(tefu, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 15:25, Reply)

Big Ben
I once watched an American (I think) tourist hurry to take a photo of the Westminster Clock Tower while Big Ben was chiming.
(brainburger, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 14:30, Reply)

This story is HONESTLY TRUE.
I once went for a holiday in Bournemouth. Whilst taking a stroll down the promenade, two Americans were walking in the other direction. The female of the two exclaimed, in a typical American accent, "Hey Eugene! look at these British trash cans!" her partner replied, "Yeah I'll just get my camera". The man then preceded to take several photos of the British 'trash can', including one of his partner stood next to it.

It was just a sodding bin.
( FreudianSlap, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 14:16, Reply)

Normal tourist, stupid local
On a train from Southampton to Plymouth once I was sat behind a young German tourist. As we were on the bit of track that goes alongside the sea, she said to her friend (in German) something about "look there's people swimming"

At this, an English woman went absolutely mental and started asked the poor girl why she didn't pay taxes (err, because she's on holiday?), and how she should be speaking English in front of the English children. She went on and on so much that the poor German girl was actually crying.

I asked the crazy woman if she would speak Spanish the whole time if she was in Spain, but she very proudly told me she'd never been abroad. Says it all really.
(MyNameIsClare, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 13:55, Reply)

Why is it
that people can never find their seat on an aeroplane? People of all nations wandering the aisle with a confused look on their faces going "ooooh, so where's 23D then?"

Fuck me love, somewhere between 22 and 24 perhaps? Grrrr!
(Mr. Partyhat, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 13:32, Reply)

We don't have an empire anymore...
... but no-one seemed to have told the posh Catholic girl we met in Benares (India).

After reading through the whole of The Times of India - the country's main broadsheet newspaper, she looked up in huge annoyance.

"But there's no English news in there at all! It's all about stupid Indian politics."

Yeah, and everyone here speaks bloody indian as well, don't they darling?
(primate, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 13:10, Reply)

McDonalds Workers
okay this isnt strictly tourists but still incredibly stupid. this all happened when a mate of mine (english) worked with a bunch of people (also english) in McDonalds. observe.

Mate: goddamn why cant these things be quicker?
Idiot I: now now, patience is a virtue.
Idiot II: what's a virtue?

and as if that wasnt bad enough

Idiot: did you know that if you wrap yourself up in bin-liners you'll stay warm?
Mate: i think you'll find that's tin foil, love.

and people wonder why the nation is going down the drain.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 12:54, Reply)

A general rant
I work on the railways, I use a lot of trains and this gives me a chance to observe a lot of stupidity.

A stupid thing that I see quite a lot of is people who refuse to look at the timetables posted around the station, or who are oblivious the departure boards. Such people (of all nationalities) will enter the station and run to the nearest member of staff and ask when their next train is. Sometimes, that member of staff may be talking to someone else and the person who has just arrived will be showing signs of panic at the fact that the member of staff is preoccupied. The timetable lists and departure boards are there for a reason, yet these people just don't get it.

Another thing that gets me, is just how many people seem to think that all railway staff know the entire national timetable off by heart. A member of railway staff in York is not going to know the local train times in Soputhampton. Yet, people will still askk quesions like "When I get to London, when is the next train to Penzance". When told to refer to the information desk they seem really annoyed for some reason.

Pressing the 'door open' button before it illuminates does not make the door open any quicker.

Reaching out and touching freight trains while they roll through a staion is really stupid, don't do it.

The sign next to the electrical sockets on new trains that says "Phones and laptops only" is there for a reason. Do not plug irons or fans in to them. Yes, I have seen this happen, more than once.

One other thing, I got on a train at Grimsby once. The guard was helping an American chap who had got lost. Somehow he managed to end up in Cleethorpes, depite the fact he wanted to go to Fort William having originally departed from Penzance. The mind boggles.

Sorry for the rant, I'll feel better now.
(Grundie, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 12:48, Reply)