England is small
I was in Arizona on business having a meal and a chat with colleagues. At the end of meal we got up to leave and an American chap turned around and asked me where I was from, "England", I replied. He then asked me, "Do you know John? He lives in London.".

Oddly enough I do know John from London but it turned out he meant a different John, what are the chances?!

(Ok, technically I was the tourist but I thought i'd share it anyway!)
(steeevc, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:14, Reply)

Not to steal anyone's thunder..
But my ex's cousin is Canadian, and she was relating the story of her US flatmate whilst they were studying in Aberdeen, who asked what it was like to live in "Canadia".. thats it just drop the "n" of your nationality and you get the name of the country...
(mrpaulo shaving the world, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:09, Reply)

ARF!
An idiotic American man, woman, or couple asked for directions or mentioned an English place name, and mispronounced it!

He/she/they moronically thought that the "gh" in the word in question was pronounced like "f", or was silent, or pronounced the "cester" like 'ces-ter,' exactly how it's spelled! Fucking moron(s)! It was hilarious!

I laughed until I had a coughing fit.
Er, I lowed until I had a cowing fit. In sluff.
(spazdor, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:04, Reply)

american wankers
The only day in Prague which felt a bit uneasy was the day we visited the old jewish ghetto ie. some tiny crap part of town where in former times they where forced to live (this is much older than WWII era, btw). One spin off was that grave space was very limited and therefore people where buried in stacks. This is not unique, but somehow it seemed to underline the misery that hung about the place. At the same time I'm thinking about all this I hear americans having it explained to them and squealing about how clever it was. twats.

also, I guy on a training course I had to help on was from india, working during day at McD's shit food-o-rama. The questions he got asked, in all innocence apparently, made me shrivel up with shame at our native chav thickos. questions like did you have your own elephant, cos that's how people get about isn't it? or is this you first pair of shoes/first time you've seen cars? His comical rage was great though, 'an elephant? yes! I call it Hyundai!'
(bloodyHassocks, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Not me, my auntie
In her younger days, she used to go to Italy pretty regularly. One day when travelling on a train through Italy, two Italian gentlemen were sitting opposite her, discussing with each other what they'd like to do to this Englishwoman given the chance to get her anywhere near a bed.

At that moment, a spider dropped down from the ceiling on it's web straight into my auntie's face. Cue her jumping up and screaming and waving her arms around.

The Italian gents were rather perplexed by what just happened until my auntie told them, in perfect Italian, that she was terrified of spiders.

As the penny dropped about the lack of language barrier, so did their faces.
( andyparmo bumming sheeps since, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:58, Reply)

In the Museum of Welsh Life in St Fagans...
... large American man to his large American daughter said, "We'll go over to the castle. We don't have castles in America, do we Shannon?"

Large daughter replies, "Yes we do, daddy! In Disneyland!"

Her age let her get away with not being twatted by us locals. But it was made all the more surreal by my dad's Belgian cousin (who was with us) translating the exchange into Dutch for his deaf wife to lip-read...
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:57, Reply)

In a shop in Mayfair
"Do you take dollars?"
"No, this is England."
"But I could use them in the other third-world countries I went to..."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:55, Reply)

Damn tourists!
Age 7, on a long family holiday to the USA from Glasgow, we stayed over in Las Vegas. To be honest, most of the Yanks we met were OK, with the notable exception of the pizza shop clerk who had the following exchange with my eldest sister:
'Hey, nice shoes. Where did you get them?'
'Scotland'
'I've never heard of that shoe shop!'

But anyway, the cream on the cake was a group of Dutch tourists who were staying in the same hotel as us when we were en route to San Francisco from LA. Upon hearing our Scottish accents they asked us, in perfect English (why I love most of the continent - they all want to speak English to you and don't care when I massacre their language :) whether all Scottish people are like Braveheart.
We didn't have the heart to tell them that we didn't, so we told them that we only dressed up like this when we wanted to go on holiday.
I have pleasant visions of the same tourists turning up in the Gorbals and asking a local where Mel Gibson was.
(The Mysterious ., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:53, Reply)

Mercan
(I feel guilty for my scoffing at Yanks)

In my experience, it seems to be the more middle aged, never been out of Hometown since 'Nam sort of tourist that seem to expect either...

1 the UK should be the US or
2 we should all be extras in A Christmas Carol

Most of the more urbane, younger types perhaps from a town with a popualtion of more than 7, have never given me the oportunity to feel slightly superior just because I can name atleast 2 Europen capital cities. Thanks.

God Bless us one and all, Guvnor.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:52, Reply)

Americans outside the Houses of Parliament
'Wow, I guess it must be great living in there!'
'See I told you honey, the White House is older'
'How cute, the english have artists too'
'Gee the river has boats'
'Where's the nearest McDonalds, we need some real food'
'be careful what you say, they can understand English' WTF?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:52, Reply)

J_R_Scagmonkey
Calm down dear.



I bet your a bag of laughs to go to the pub with.
(cherry B, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:45, Reply)

In defence of Americans
We have stupid tourists too. I sat with my head in my hands listening to some guy explaining the format of "Who wants to be a millionaire to a New Yorker who was patiently and without success trying to say tha they had it in the states too.

The same bloke then went on to state how stupid skyscrapers were, when there was so much room in America to build more buildings instead.
(Throbbe, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:42, Reply)

More Yanks in Edinburgh
Overheard statement from a 'Merkin tourist on Princess Street...

"What do they do with the castle for the rest of the year, do they take it down after the festival?"
(StevieMcK, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Love them Yanks!

In Edinburgh at a pedestrian crossing, one of those push the button and wait for the light to change type ones. As the man goes green, so he emits a bleep.

American cow-person "Why do they make that noise"
Me "It's for blind people"
AC-P "Amazing. In our country blind people can't drive"
(Mong-the-Merciful, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:35, Reply)

A flourescent american couple sat on the next table to us in a cafe in Paris.
Mrs. Flourescent addresses the waiter: "Hi! Do you English speak?"

Although my favourite was another charming colonial lady in the Louvre about fifteen years ago who stood in front of some nondescript medieval painting of the ickul baby jesus and announced to the entire room: "All Europeans should be shot!" I still have no idea what prompted this.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Island prison near Cape Town
During a thought provoking tour of Nelson Madela's old prison home, was not impressed to hear tourists grumbling about how uncomfortable the tourist buses were.
(Glen Moranjie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:32, Reply)

I love Americans
When travelling through Slough, I heard one American woman saying in a loud voice - Oh, look! We're in Sluff!

I once heard another loud American telling her husband "and they had something called Toad in the Hole!" before bursting into fits of laughter.
(5p3c135, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:32, Reply)

How much further is it to New York City?
I regularly visit a friend in Utah from my current Colorado location: the drive is less than eight hours in length and the scenery is gorgeous no matter the route I take. On a prior visit my friend told me this particular sort of thing happens to him about once a year but I had difficulty believing it until I was present for another instance. While filling up the wagon's fuel tank at a station, we were approached by a bewildered looking couple who asked us in better English than most of today's local youth, "how much farther is New York City? Which highway do we take?" Looking at my friend with a significant glance, I reached into the back of the wagon and pulled out a basic continental map for them to view. I asked them where they had started driving from and was told, "Los Angeles." I laid the map across the wagon's rear hatch glass and pointed out to them where LA was, where NYC was and then, right around our current location of Price, UT, I explained they had made it about one fifth of the entire way across the continent. Apparently a few tourists from Asia and Europe set up an open itinerary using the coastal airports as their arrival and departure terminals, then think nothing of hopping into a rental car and driving around between their two vacation endpoints. Seeing this couple's dismay at how much further they had to go (apparently it took them a day and a half to get this far), my friend quickly pointed out there was a car rental depot in town for their particular carrier and that if they wanted to wait a day for it to come through, they could book reservations on the train as there was a passenger platform in nearby Helper. It would still take them three or four days to make the trip to Penn Station but they could simply sit and watch the countryside go by instead of dealing with traffic during their journey. They very quickly thanked us for the suggestion and we gave them simple directions to a decent Internet equipped motel where they could relax and book their reservations for the remainder of their cross-continental journey. I have difficulty considering this to be a stupid tourist moment although the warning should be taken to heart for those wishing to make the sort of trip described: North America is BIG (about 4,000 miles coast to coast) so give yourself lots of time if you really want to drive around and see everything. And budget extra time once you hit the Mississippi: travel distances east of that river tend to take 25-50% longer than their western counterparts.


When I was a young kid living in Hawai'i was when I encountered the truly stupid tourists. I would regularly overhear such amazing phrases as, "where are all the grass shacks?"; "I thought I would see more hula girls walking around."; "Where are all the pineapple trees?"; and "climb that tree and grab me one of those coconuts."

The most unfortunate outcome regarding a newcomer to the islands I was present for was a newfound friend at college. He had lived his entire life in NYC and told us of his beachgoing prowess: often he would spend many long hours underneath the summer sun at his home turf and he was looking forward to experiencing what the islands had to offer. His first weekend, I and several other students took him to Waikiki, where we spent a good eight hours wandering around the shops, renting surfboards and, in the case of the NY student, laying on the beach and soaking up the tropical rays. However, he (and I) had not taken something very important into account: Hawai'i is a good twenty degrees further south on the globe's surface and as such, the sunlight striking the islands is far more intense in its UV content. During the van ride back, our avid sunbather said he was not feeling very well and I noticed his skin was turning a far brighter shade of red than I had ever seen on a human. After dinner and an unfortunate incident involving a meal that refused to stay down, we rushed him to Castle Hospital's emergency room. The following day we were notified he was safe to let go and were given the results:

First and second degree burns over 60% of his body coupled with mild radiation poisoning: keep out of sunlight until the dead layers of skin slough off; use lots of moisturizing lotion to prevent chafing and scarring; SPF 33 or greater sunblock (Bullfrog was still new and exotic back then) until the body acclimates to its new environment. In the long run, the story does turn out well: he ended up becoming so addicted to the beaches there, he remained in the islands after graduating and so far as I know he's still avidly bronzing his skin beneath the intense tropical sun.
( Felis Concolor, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:30, Reply)

Arse
"Gee ..... for an English guy you speak pretty damn good American"

Nuff said.
(Tim K, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:28, Reply)

Being an ex-pat I'm always asked stupid questions such as
'WHy don't you live in England'

to which I answer

'Because it's a self obssessed country full of xenophobic arseholes who think that not being able to pronounce the name of place which is spelt with no consideration to phonetics is a sign of stupidity, which is a bit rich coming from the country with the lowest percentage of second language speakers in the world.'

Although I did laugh at the story about the French Man who wrote down new English words in his notebook.

It's funny, you see, because he's trying to learn (or improve)a new language and it makes you angry because you are remaining an ignorant cunt !

/rant over lots of actual stupid tourist stories to come.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:23, Reply)

Yanks
Whilst travelling to San Franciso on a Greyhound bus (I was a skint backpacker, what can you do), I got talking to an american guy. He asked me where I was from to which I told him the country of England. 'And you've come all this way on the bus?' he replied

Also when I was trying to book my Greyhound tickets over the phone, oh dear.
'What's your Credit Card Number'
'It's xxxxx'
'And what's your home address'
'xxxx, Lancashire, England'
'And what state is that in?'
'No I live in England, you know the country'
'Oh ok, but what state is it in?'
'I live in England we have counties, will that do? I live in Lancashire'
'OK, I just need the 2 letter code for that state'
'Fine how about LA'
'Oh why didn't you just say you live Louisiana?'
went to find a bridge to jump off
(nickstan, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:14, Reply)

Joisee Shwor
I don't know what possesed me to do this, but I went to the Jersey Shore with some people I didn't know when I was living in New York.

Huge-necked be-chained vest-wearing gel-haired freak: "you english?"
Me: "yes"
Huge-necked be-chained vest-wearing gel-haired freak: "how do you english say america?"
Me: "america"
Huge-necked be-chained vest-wearing gel-haired freak: "oh, it's the same over there, huh?"

stupid.

also, i lived in Bath for several years and experienced similar levels of stupidity on a daily basis. my godfather now works in the baths and spends hours employing his lofty appearance and RP accent into making american's who ask dumb questions feel small.

such as the time someone asked him if there are still any romans around today that they could meet.

no apologies for length, i'm a girl and short so i'm compensating
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Yankee wanky
Working in Bath, many moons ago, I overheard many American tourists. However, I think the pithiest statement was some Vern, Chip or Troy talking to his 40 stone floral-dressed camel-faced wife. They were in the abbey courtyard looking at a hastily erected fake facade covering works to the pumprooms on which was a painting of what the renovations would look like. So with their backs to the ancient abbey and roman and georgian architechture surrounding them, Vern and Marybelle look at the shoddy, A-level art rendering and Vern says: "Gee, that's history!"
(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:55, Reply)

Amsterdam...
Me and a group of lads went for a big session in the 'dam.

Me: What's the only mammal which can't jump?
Mate: Horse

WTF?
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:51, Reply)

not me, not tourists, meh...
Two Australian tourists were in the Mormon HQ in Salt Lake City. The man on the front desk asked where they were from.

"Australia."

"Oh yeah," he replies, filling in the form. "Which state is that in?"
(spastic_lequeer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:51, Reply)

Yanks in Bath
Couple of questions asked by Americans in Bath:

Q, Which is older, the Abbey or the Roman Baths?
A, Er, possibly the Baths, by about 1,500 years give or take.

Q, Whereabouts is this famous Abbey I've been told about?
A, I think you'll find it's the huge Church-type thing you're stood in front of.

I blame all the polyester leisure wear, the static electricity shuts down brain functions.
(Toooldforallthis, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:50, Reply)

Bicester
Having lived in Bicester I've had no end of yankee tourists visiting their fa-AH-lis near the ex-military base "say, is this Bi-Cest-Tor?"

"No, its Bicester, BIS-TER"

"Why do they spell it Bi-Cest-Tor?"

"So we can spot tourists and kill you"

mmpfh

2 years of being constantly asked this question can be a bit wearing.
(nit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:49, Reply)

A friend of mine
was on a business trip to America. Thje conversation went something like this -
Taxi bloke "Hey, where're you from"
Friend "England"
Taxi bloke "that's great - do you speak English over there?"
Friend "Erm, yes. That's why it's called English"
Taxi bloke points at some neon lights "you got lights like that in England?"
Friend "yes, we have electricity"
He thought about going for sarcasm, but being in red-neck country he decided to go for the being polite option...
( Wifey, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:48, Reply)

American tourist in Edinburgh
What time does the 1 o'clock gun go off?
(dustydisturbed, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 9:43, Reply)