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This is a question Terrible food

Back when I was a student, we had a "clear out the fridge" party. Everyone brought what they had left and the idea was to make a big meal out of it.

The stew/casserole/whatever was going surprisingly well until someone added the tin of mackerel in tomato sauce they'd been hoarding all year.

What's the worst thing you've ever cooked or eaten? Who's the worst cook you've encountered?

[and yes, we've asked this before, but way, way back before we had the fancy QOTW pages]

(, Thu 17 May 2007, 10:23)
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Austria
Oh dear god Austria. A country famed for Der Governator, Mozart, the Berchtesgaden, lederhosen and, more to the point, its excellent and reasonably priced skiing.

A few years ago the promise of chucking myself down some prime, virgin pistes in the most heart-stoppingly, ball-quakingly beautiful scenery you can possibly imagine outside of Norway with my school chums took me to this godforsaken fiefdom.

Quite apart from the utter, utter chaos that reigned over the entire trip and the truly excellent skiing that was to be had, the two things that will be forever associated with Austria in my mind are the reasonably priced, unreasonably strong (80%, bejesus) rum and the food.

The food. In the same manner as a survivor of the Soviet gulags, I can't bring myself to give a narrative account of its horror, so instead I will give more of an itinerary of culinary suicide. Once more into the breach!

Soup: Water, grease (you could SEE it on the surface, urrrgh) and soggy croutons. Also saltier than a merman's jizm. This was the starter for every meal I ate, and was ignored every damn time. You wouldn't drink the Dead Sea, would you?

Bread: Loaves?! Gott in Himmel, vot are zey? I've never appreciated a 39p Freshdays Thick Sliced more than when forced to eat fucking baps for a week. Passable when smothered with some 'generic Lidl nut spread'.

Milk: Tasted slightly off all the time, and had a layer of cream/fat on the top so thick it needed spooning off. So no cereal, hot chocolate, coffee... the list goes on.

Wiener Schnitzel: All the crap cuts of veal mashed together, covered in breadcrumbs and cooked until it's dryer than Nefertiti's fadge. Like eating sinews preserved in formaldehyde.

Almdudler: Saw it in a shop on the slopes for about 20 cents less than the other bottled drinks, so I thought I'd give it a blast. Looked like apple juice so that's what I expected. Took a swig and immediately spewed it back up when the taste registered. Imagine urine, bleach and alcohol-free Diamond White mixed together in a cocktail of delight and you're about halfway there; definitely had the smell of fermentation about it. That it's the Austrian national drink speaks volumes.

Mutton: Managed the task once thought impossible, namely putting me off lamb. Swimming in grease, tough and hellishly overcooked, served with a side of beansprouts and lightly peppered pasta. I'm not making this up, I swear blind.

Nockerl: Served as dessert, but oh christ. Imagine bread covered in melted butter, with a few chocolate sprinkles on top. Tasted like coronary thrombosis, with a hint of metal.

For the 7 days we spent in this culinary backwater, I survived on the aforementioned overproof rum; the spaghetti carbonara served at the restaurants on piste; pizza ordered at the local pizzeria-cum-gay bar (again, this is 100% of fact) which had to be collected by walking the 2 miles to the local burgh and back under dead of night in temperatures of around -10 celsius, often in moderate blizzard conditions; ice tea which was (and still is) bloody lovely; and apple strudel, which is the official Best Thing About Austria.

Even the women were ugly for god's sake! And the cigarettes were... no, no more! My fragile mind can't take it! Yes Nurse, pass me a Temazepam if you please. No, don't worry about this pencil you silly strumpet, it's not even sharp. Give it back I say! BACK!



Apologies for, well, everything really...

EDIT: Got veal and mutton confused, arse!
(, Fri 18 May 2007, 1:35, closed)

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