I AM the Boss
At my place of work, I AM the boss. I did mostly boss-y things, such as acting as a liason between my department and corporate, checking and proofreading memos that were sent out, and even occasionally celebrating with my workers on their birthdays.

But then things went wrong.

One day, we hired this new girl. She was an absolute stunner. Body to die for, face to kill for. I secretly admired this girl from afar to cut down on any creepy boss-ness she might have felt radiating from the direction of my office. Her name(a beautiful name) was Deborah. Well, one Friday, I decided I'd go ask her out. She flat out rejected me, telling me it would be horrible to date her boss, etc. I was crushed. So I did what any red-blooded, American male would do. I grabbed the company phone and rang the "naughty talk" line. After a few minutes of attempting to pleasure myself however, the rejection and sadness caught up with me...

I began to blubber like a baby.

Embarassed, I pulled myself together and grabbed a bagel. Chewing slowly, I began to re-assess my life; what was I even working for? I had no family, no friends, and my position of power would only leave me hollow inside. I had made up my mind.

On my lunch hour that day, I went down to a sporting goods store and bought a gun. A nice 9 mil. handgun, slightly heavy, but it would do the job. At a quarter past 12 I pulled into a deserted alley and put the barrel in my mouth. Weeping to myself, I tried to pull the trigger. Much to my dismay, however, the safety was on. At this point, I went a bit mental. I threw the gun in the nearby dumpster and turned around to go back to work.

I worked late that night, I just needed something to put my mind off of things... As it hit around 3AM, I decided to go outside for some fresh air. Not wanting to trip the building's alarm, I climbed out the window.(Actually, it was more like falling, due to the 5th of vodka I has drank earlier)

It was then that I saw her... In my drunken state, she was a vision of beauty. I ran over to her, and offered to pleasure her orally. She agreed, and began to unzip her pants... As she seductively slid off her trousers, I realized it wasn't a she, but a he. Having had no luck with the ladies recently, I decided to soldier on. After giving the first and last blowjob of my life, the man paid me with something he assured me "would show me a good time." It was cocaine.

I snorted a bit, then got in my car to get some food. As I pulled up to the nearest KFC, I missed the drive-through a bit, and smashed the menu sign up. After I had straightened things out, I grabbed my chicken strips and left. They didn't last 5 minutes.

This is where things started to get really weird. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or what, but I started to get loopy. Ashamed of my prior homosexual experience, I convince myself that the only penance for my sins was to chop off my own genitals. As I sliced through the scrotum and clear into my leg, I let out a howl of agony and stumbled into the street. Little did I know what was waiting for me...

After I regained consciousness, I realized that I had fallen down a sewer drain and landed in the catacombs of the city. I began to hear strange noises nearby. Looking around, I saw a frightful sight; there, in all his slimy glory, was the biggest fish I had ever seen. I immediately did what any male would do; I climbed on and gave him a good drunken, ball-less, fucking. Spent from my effort and the blood loss, I began to feel woozy. The last thing I remember is making jet noises, flying over moscow, and then crashing into a huge ball of light. Then, presumably, I was dead.


And that was pretty much a typical day. I'm the boss.





www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c
(DarkSol, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 22:47, 7 replies)

This is great!
Your own work? It's sureally, piss funny regardless :D
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 23:03, closed)

Not my work
No, it's the work of The Lonely Island, translated to text. :P


I just wrote it all out.
(DarkSol, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 23:11, closed)

Sooo
How much is a 5th of vodka?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 23:32, closed)

Dunno
No idea, TBH.


I'm gonna be safe and call it a shot?
(DarkSol, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 1:09, closed)

fifth
...is a fifth of a gallon, a US measure.

...it's around 750ml, a standard bottle.

!!
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 1:19, closed)

Oh.
Even better. Makes it all the more believable.
(DarkSol, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 1:42, closed)

Damnit.
Just as I thought of it!
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 11:15, closed)