Avoid embarrassment
in front of your teenage kids by checking that you did unlock the car properly rather than think you unlocked it and have assumed the door is iced shut, spending time squirting it with de-icer trying to thaw it out.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 15:34, Reply)

Have you made someone else's toilet smell?
Mask the smell by striking a match and set fire to the curtains.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 19:48, Reply)

if you want to make top gear shit
innocently watch the endless repeats on dave then find the new series just feels like a repeat you havent seen yet and you'll be channel hopping in minutes
(horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 19:06, Reply)

To suppress the gag reflex
squeeze your left thumb in your left fist.

Seems to work, but I've not really er, road tested it much. But my tongue is minty fresh.
(Richeh, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 16:52, 1 reply)

Smelly toilet?
Got to go in a smelly toilet? Simply strike a match - the sulphur released will instantly change the atmosphere and make it less stinky. And the chances of being blown to shreds are really very small.
(Ruddles, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 9:08, Reply)

Humiliate a person in authority
Fill your teacher/boss/nurse/ prison guards umberella with wedding confetti and close it shut.
On a rainy day somewhere in the future much hilarity will ensue when they open it.For extra funnies use maggots instead of confetti and film it for youve been framed
(tomma turn around an bite you every time, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 16:32, 1 reply)

Enterpreneurs
Sell frozen mash potato out the back of your own car singing a doodoodoodoo tune
Short sighted children will flock to you thinking you are a genuine ice cream van.
They are too blind to realise they have been duped until you are long gone
(tomma turn around an bite you every time, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Advice
Never get out of the boat!
(Wazzah, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 22:23, Reply)

Nosebleed?
Wrap a shoelace or equivalent around your left hand (across the palm) two or three times and then pull the end of the lace sharply down. This should stem the flow. Used many times on many different subjects: always successful.

Would love to take the credit for this but I was shown this by a coach at a kids football match.
(number5 trolling the pathway of boredom, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 16:01, 2 replies)

Deprive money-grabbing immigrant traffic wardens of their huge bonuses
by not parking illegally
(Rimmer, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 15:58, 2 replies)

NEVER rub your eye after you've been fingering...
...EVER.

Or at least wash your hands first.
( MeekMan Trying to reinvent the toaster since, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 15:56, 4 replies)

Not great at buying presents, and always short of QOTW answers?
Here's a sure fire way to solve both:

1) Pick your favourite answers from this week
2) SLIGHTLY change it, and then buy that present for someone
3) Wait until next year, and post the hilarity that ensued this Christmas when the Question is inevitably reposted in some sort of variation, such as 'Gifts'.

Voila!


DISCLAIMER: May result in shoddy presents for you next year in revenge and/or punch off of friends and family who actually thought about your gift.
(dezorama has nothing interesting to put here, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:15, Reply)

NEVER
shag a dwarf with downs syndrome..

because it's not big and it's not clever!
(r_sole is...... Dwarf tossing champion of, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:00, 2 replies)

Demonstrate your solidarity with the people of Cockermouth
by having a nice long shower.
( Enzyme is in ur [noun]z, [verb]in' ur [noun]z, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:39, 1 reply)

Top tips for fish
Just bought a 6-pound whole salmon for under a tenner?

Before cooking it, get some extra mileage out of it by chasing the kids around the house with it.

Recreate this scene from Monty Python
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s&feature=fvw

Once you've severed the head, put it in someone's bed and make punnage about the Codfather.

Cook and eat said fish.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 0:48, 1 reply)

Speaking of heating bills
don't keep turning the heating up, go put a fucking jumper on and keep just as warm, but with less visible flesh.

Or alternatively, turn the thermostat up to max and swan about in your undercrackers.
(sandettie light vessel automatic My dog has no dictionary, how does it spell awful?, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 0:43, 1 reply)

Free Surround Sound
Got an extra pair of speakers kicking about doing nothing, well, if you have sufficient speaker cable you can hook them up behind your listening position for free surround sound. Simply wire in the positive wires into the back of the amp as normal, then instead of putting the two negative wires into the back of the amp, join them together and make sure they ain't gonna come apart.

Sometimes known as 'Out of Phase Stereo', it works incredibly well, considering it is free. Also does a good job of decoding surround tracks in movies/TV.
(cancer joy was short lived, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 10:22, 6 replies)

Politics students:
Feel like a REAL politician whilst at university by claiming for another student loan for a second hall of residence.
(mr-lizard, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 18:48, Reply)

Chopping Onions
Stop with the teary eyes by chewing gum. Actually just chewing will do the same.
So get to chopping and make a yummo dinner
(schrodingers cat, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 8:38, 5 replies)

Telebastardvision
Avoid becoming curiously enraged by not seeing that fucking annoying advert for toothpaste for sensitive teeth filmed in a fake "ooh look it's not really an advert it's your best mate caught slightly off camera banging on about how fucking great it is" kind of way for the 100th fucking time, so switching channels only to land in the lap of that loathsome fat fuck Chris Moyles on the other side.
( the ghost of last tuesday, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 21:44, 1 reply)

Potential rapist?
Stop. Think. Wank.
( Albert Marshmallow, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 10:39, 4 replies)

A Worthwhile Tip.
To avoid high heating bills this winter, don't keep your front door & windows open 24/7.
(barrycounty, Wed 18 Nov 2009, 22:06, 1 reply)

Post worthwhile tips...
....by putting a bit of thought into them before sharing.
(DrTugnut2 Francophobe., Wed 18 Nov 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)

Educate vegetarian friends in how to be a pathetic, worthy, whining little shit
By demanding that they cater to your omnivorous palate when you go 'round to dinner.

Also works with the waiting staff in vegetarian restaurants.
( A Vagabond , proving all the poets wrong, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 16:36, 9 replies)

Avoid having those long awkward conversations after Xmas for buying the wrong prezzies for the wife....
....by divorcing the ungrateful twat before you buy her any. Winging twunt.
( Jeccius is also me Xbox 360 Gamertag, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 15:23, 3 replies)

Lie on top of your porn for half an hour
and it will feel like you're looking at someone else's.
( A Vagabond , proving all the poets wrong, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Men...
(Link a bit NWS)

Get one of these: www.thatsexshop.co.uk/sexshop/product.php?xProd=3217&xSec=74

They are awesome!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 15 Nov 2009, 13:28, 4 replies)

Hiccup cure
Take deep, rapid breaths (i.e. hyperventilate). Works within a minute (sometimes it works straight away).
(mmm....beer, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 16:19, 1 reply)

Hold your hand in a bag of frozen peas for half an hour
before typing, so you can feel like it's someone else posting.

It's rumoured this is how /talk pass an average day...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 14:38, Reply)

Guys
Have a bath or shower at least once a week.
You might even pull a bird.
OK, maybe not but you'll be able to breathe without smelling your own cock.
( stopmeandslapme Buggering belief since, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 19:46, 1 reply)