The ballad of Gay Tony
Burritos should come attached with small signs to drape around your neck stating 'Do Not Disturb'. With many a pint in the gullet as my breath hung in the wintery Birmingham air, I wanted to relish every drop without interruption from another soul. On Broad Street at 3 in the morning, you have more chance seeing Jeremy Clarkson passing by in a Citroen Saxo than you do going 30 seconds without someone derailing your train of thought.

And that night was no different. A loose friend of mine - Paul - and I were engaged in the habitual debate between walking back to campus through the RAG Market to save a few quid, or rush around town at horrifying speed in the back of a dodgy taxi, all the while with fragments of bean oozing along our cheeks.

'Got 10p for a cup of coffee mate?' a voice muttered. Not a chance. Not at this hour, and not for such a meager price. The entire offer seemed to be echoing the very bollocks I was undoubtedly digesting, courtesty of Argentinian agriculture.

'I'm not fooling for that, fuck off', I replied, without a second glance. The same couldn't be said for Paul. Imagine Bob Geldof a slight ego problem. That's Paul. Every poverty-striken fellow's personal white knight.

'I've got 20p mate, let's go.' was his response, leaving me stuck with a taxi for one as he ventured off happily to have his liver removed and sold in a piss-ridden alleyway.

15 minutes later, and Paul and his new best friend Tony are sitting in a homeless shelter talking about their lives. Tony was married but so far in the closet he was petting Azlan. When Tony fell for a boy at the track, he called it quits and moved in the next day. 6 months later and his partner has drained his savings and ditched Tony for the next sucker. Although begging was getting him nowhere fast, his plan was to somehow make it to Brighton to find a sense of belonging in the world again.

If you've made it and are reading this Tony, I'm sorry I told you to fuck off.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 2 Jul 2009, 23:26, Reply)