I assulted a tramp.
It was pissing down, my motorbike had broken down, and I was freezing. Whilst waiting for the RAC to turn up I decided to nip over the road to Tesco to get some cigarettes. On my way back, I saw a woman standing at the bottom of the ramp leading down to the store.

She was in her 50s, with scraggly grey hair and mad eyes. She was muttering to herself. At first I thought she was talking on a mobile phone. As I drew closer, it became obvious that she was mental.

I was wearing a hi-vis jacket - as I often do when riding a motorcycle - and I think she mistook me for a policeman. She started following me. "You think you can fucking control me!" she slurred. "I'm self medicating! I'm fucking self medicating! What do you think of that?"

I was starting to get concerned now. I walked a little faster. I glanced over my shoulder. She was stumbling along behind me, pointing at her wrists. "I'll do it! Fucking bastards!" God only knows what she wanted. I crossed the road. She followed me.

At this point she was starting to get agressive ("Come over here! I'll have it out with you! You fucking bastard!") , and I was starting to get annoyed.

Has an idea ever flashed into your head? Have you ever acted on one of those ideas, even though you know you really shouldn't?

I have. I'm not particularly proud of it. But I did it. I picked up a plastic bin bag full of rubbish that happened to be on the pavement, and threw it at her with all my might.

Time stood still. The bag hit her and burst, covering her with old teabags, bean cans and fuck-knows what else. She fell backwards, surprised, and landed on her arse.

And I legged it, laughing my backside off.

I'm evil, aren't I?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:21, 3 replies)

That was my mothe!!!
only joking

StyX
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:26, closed)

I had a similar experience once...
...but not with a tramp - indeed, she was younger than me by about five years or so and fairly well turned-out. Still one of the barmier bints though.

I was just leaving my work building and spied the girl looking at me through the doors. I was barely the other side of them before she shouted 'If you ever do that to me again I'll fucking kill you!'

I pointed at myself on a 'Who, me?' stylee, and she shouted again 'Yes, You!' I'd never seen her before so I assumed she was some kind of errant care-in-the-community case, rolled my eyes and walked past her. Frankly, I couldn't be bothered with her - hadn't been a day from hell exactly, but I'd had better.

She followed for a few steps and shouted yet again, more plaintive this time, 'Why are you walking away from meeeeeeeee!', so I turned back for a moment to shout back 'Because you're obviously a total nutbar and I can't be arsed finding out what the fuck your problem is - now fuck off before I lose my temper.' I didn't wait for her reply before I walked on.

Didn't hear another peep out of her, and I looked over my shoulder as I rounded a corner about 150 yards down the road and she was nowhere to be seen.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:42, closed)

when my son
was about 3, he was very cute and random passers-by would stop and coo at his inherited good looks.

however, one day, this fucking BANSHEE of a tramp started towards us. making her best toothless attempts at coo-ing. she was filthy, like a coalminer but with months old, shit and piss stains.

my eyes locked on to her diseased hands as they extended in a zombie like fashion towards my germ free progeny.

I had already calculated where she would land when i pushed her away from the pram, and how much of a scene it would cause, but i never had to, as i swerved the pram away from her fetid grasp and told her to

"get tay fuck"

as i drew alongside her....it never registered, her eyes were glazed from years of abuse, booze and hard living.

i never assaulted her, but was completely prepared to do so.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:30, closed)