*shudder*
Early on in my relationship with my girlfriend (now wife), I was visiting her down in Cardiff, where she was at Uni.

Her flat-mate had an old friend staying with her - a very large, very Australian lady I'll call "Daphne"
(You already know where most of this is going, don't you?)

Daphne was good fun - swigging red wine at about the same pace I could swig lager. Uncharacteristically for her race (pfffrt) she became very loud, very shocking and outrageously flirty the drunker she became.

We were all chatting in the kitchen and she was doing some harmless flirting with me in front of my lass - simply, I suspect, because she saw it was making me uncomfortable (my girlfriend also found my discomfort funny). Haha. Great, laugh it up girls.

As the glasses of wine continued to slosh down her big flapping mouth, barely touching her throat and into her even more voluminous stomach, this flirting got more intense and crude:
"Awww, y'know me... I wouldn't chuck ANY man out of bed... " *eye contact with me* "...unless it was so I could FUCK HIM ON THE FLOOR".
etc. That sort of thing.

Anyhooo, eventually it was time for me and the missus to go out for a meal *phew*

We returned later, both a bit sloshed and did the things you do and ended a nice evening drooling contentedly on each other's shoulders.

Then, at about 3am I got the old "too many beers" pressure on the bladder - the really annoying piss that makes you have to get out of a warm bed in a cold house. Grrr.

3 am... I could risk it. I didn't want to wake-up my girlfriend by faffing about trying to find where those boxer shorts got flung, so I went for it - a quick listen around the door then a brief rudie-nudie scamper down the corridor towards the toilet. Then, at the point of no return *click* the toilet door started to open.

I was caught in no-man's land.
Absolutely no chance of making it back.
I gambled, I lost.

In the time it took for me to turn back, forwards, back, then forwards again in a pantomime stylee, the door was open and there she was... Daphne, framed in the doorway wearing only one thing more than me - a big smile.

There wasn't even any point covering-up, so, in mock horror I covered my nipples with my fingers (while she took a very slow, deliberate look at 'the goods') while I muttered something about needing the loo.

Being the understanding type she was, she said "Oh, of course mate... in you go" then, rather than stepping out into the corridor, she simply turned sideways to 'make room' for me to get past her.

When I say 'room', I mean approx. 3 inches of clear space between her big naked unashamed body and the door frame.

Urgh. I'm squirming right now remembering this, but not as much squirming as was necessary to actually get past her.
I risked an arm - yip, that got past without contact, but then came the pure flesh-on-flesh contortions necessary to slide past.
All the time, she was making eye contact and grinning (with the odd sarcastic "ooh" or moan).

God, it seemed to take ages (I think I came twice, haha) but eventually I made it in and shut the door behind me, panting like I'd survived a sniper attack or something, only to hear the faint sound of an Australian-style guffaw outside.

I dreaded the next day, but good old Daphne actually spared me when we all met-up in the kitchen for breakfast. She just smiled sweetly at me then popped a whole sausage in her mouth while I turned bright purple and suffered from Vietnam-veteran-style flashbacks.

Why? Why did I just tell you all that?
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:55, 7 replies)

got a laugh here :)

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 28 May 2009, 16:23, closed)

Great post!!!
Ha!!! Great!!!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 May 2009, 16:40, closed)

slight arousing.
revision cabin fever i believe
(papa bouba slap your face, Fri 29 May 2009, 2:20, closed)

Why?
Because you must!
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 29 May 2009, 9:57, closed)

Fantastic!
A great post. Cheers

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Fri 29 May 2009, 16:29, closed)

Good old Aussie slappers!
Aussie Ladette to Lady was a big hit in Oz.
(TimChuma, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 12:18, closed)