Giving birth is a wonderful experience
Yeah, right...
7 months pregnant and at Ante-natal classes - this is what happens when you give birth - cue the video nasties and watch as the colour drains from both fathers' and mothers' faces...Oh.My.God. Yep, getting it in there was fun, but getting it out!!!
Fast forward to a week before Christmas...one month before B-day....
1st crap bit of advice - you'd look lovely in a nice red pinafore dress. Hormones on full and all sense of style gone out of the window - it followed all the clothes that no longer fitted...So I make a 'nice red pinafore dress' and get pointed and laughed at in local town centre....yep, 'cause I was expecting TWINS!! and two whoppers they were too....People thought Father Christmas had had a sex change, or else the post box had come to life....I could stand sideways on in front of a 6 foot Christmas tree and all you could see was the fairy on the top....
Fast forward to January - having already been told by ladies in white coats that the body invaders were only coming out with direct doctor intervention in the form of cutting me open, eek! I had the date and time of their arrival....Just like picking someone up at the airport...with heavy suitcases...
The night before the birth I go into hospital...I have never, ever been as scared as I was then...and I have been scared quite a few times in my life....Anyway, a dr. comes to chat to me...do I suffer with indigestion & heartburn? Do I? My stomach is sitting somewhere snuggled up to my lungs! Oh good, says Dr....I'll give you something for it...later discover he has given me tranquilizers....thank God! Next comes the nurse offering to shave me....WTF?? Well, she says, you haven't seen it for months, have you? She has a point...and a blunt razor...ta very much!
2nd Crap piece of advice - you'll be fine
Yep...I had to be held down and given more tranquilizers before they could get the biggest fuck off needle you have ever seen in my back...my back! I ask you!!! And outside there was thunder and lightening and only a couple of days before I had seen the Kenneth Branagh Frankenstein film....oh my God these babies were going to be monsters!!!
So they wheel me into the operating theatre...you really don't want to go into one of these while still conscious...unless your working that is....the man who put me in this position, my loving husband, is decked out like Quincy...but I am too scared to laugh...They begin....you never want to be conscious while they operate on you either...but to be fair it didn't hurt, it felt like someone was doing the washing up in my stomach...weird...The first cut and - whooooosh - husband's shoes ruined - haha! Anyway, all goes well, both babies delivered, one pees all over drs. good going! Then I am stitched up - neat little scar in the crease of my stomach and I never ever had to worry about not being able to sit down for a week or never having a sex life again....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)