"That's what we're flying in"?
Had to fly from Kiev (stunningly great city) to Donetsk (coal mining city with an accidental death rate that would make Ghengiz Khan go "I say chaps, steady on"!
Booked tickets to fly Donbass airlins. On arrival at Zulazny airport which is a small affair on the edge of town, after a taxi ride that was relatively uneventful apart from the huge cancerous growth sticking out of the side of the driver's jawbone wobbling when he spoke. The place was a set for a 50's spy thriller, I swear, all concrete and echoing ticking clocks. Checked in, then the fun began. I was asked to put my cabin luggage on the belt of a spandy-bright brand new Sperry X-ray machine. I did so, Olga next to me pushed it through and then Oleg the other end pulled it out and handed it to me. Their colleague, another Olga was sat watching the screen. None of it worked. It wasn't plugged in.
Repaired to the departure shed (no, really, a SHED) and started tanking up on Hetman vodka. Got the departure bus ( a cattle truck, no less)through the airside of the airport to our plane. I honestly thought that we had driven through and into a museum. We stopped by an Antonov 24 (ex russian troop transport) where a man shouted "baggage". I gave him my bag, he gave it back to me. I gave him my bag again, he gave it back to me again. Tiring of this game, he pointed to a door in the side of the plane, you had to throw your own bags on to the plane!!
It then got worse. On walking round the plane, I saw that one of the main landing wheels' tyres had obviously burst and someone had repaired the foot long gash with an aluminium plate, woodscrews and lashings of glue. The stair up to the fuselage had two treads missing. Once inside you were given a pack (which was obviously the same size as a parachute for the Russian forces) to sit on. The flight was interminable as one of the passengers was a local singer who proceeded to bash out interminable dirges through the whole flight, interspersed by the fights between a very drunk couple to my right and the obvious smell of double incontinence from my fellow passenger to the rear. After the landing at the grey tomb that is Donetsk airport I was nearly beaten up for asking for the lights to be put on!
Lovely place the Ukraine.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 17:29, Reply)