Perhaps not the worse, but definitely the weirdest....
I'm quite a normal bloke when it comes to the naughties, and thought that as I reached my (cough) mid-30s I'd probably seen and done all that I ever would do.

Wrong.

Away on my team's annual trip to Lancashire last year, me and my room-mate copped off with a couple of ladies from the local boozer.

Incidentally, mine was an absolute corker - only 19 years old, with pneumatic breasts and a washboard stomach. A first year law student no less. Crikey!

We invite the girls back to our hotel room for 'drinks'. Upon arrival, my one wastes no time and promptly strips off and climbs into my bed. Slightly stunned, I follow suit - leaving my mate and his lady somewhat lost for words. They eventually strip off and climb into his bed, which is just 18 inches from my own.

The lights go off, nature takes its course, and we start to get down to business. However, the sound of my mate porking his (somewhat overweight) bedfellow was frankly putting me off my stroke. Try as I might (admittedly alcohol had probably also played a part) I just couldn't get the Little General to stand to attention.

Being the gentleman that I am (my mother would be so proud) I proceeded to satisfy my partner using a variety of methods, before we fall asleep.

Waking up the following morning, assuming that the evening's events were nothing more than a magnificent dream, I realised that it was all very very real. Now with the General fully up and saluting, and wishing to make amends for my previous failure, I grabbed my lady and dragged her off to the bathroom where I made up for lost time over the sink.

We return to Lancs in August. Click on 'I like this' if I should request a single room this time!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:35, Reply)

Good Times And Bad
ok to be fair this completely off topic but like i give a fuck anymore

ok about 2 or 3 weeks ago i lost my virginity... it was fucking amazing!!!!!!

this girl was a stunner and i have been courting with her.. only 2 days ago were we "doing the deed" literally all day .. (like about 7 hours we spent in bed.. about 6 of them were spent for lack of a better technical term "shagging" and yes i want more of it right about now....

as for worst ? maybe 1st time.. i came all over her stomach and then my knob hurt for a few days :( (sorted it out by furiosly masturbating and having some more sex)

but yeah.. i'm a bit chuffed with myself right about now.. so fuck you all ^_^

length ?

about 8 inches and springy
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Mmmmphaaaarrrrrgagagagagahhhh
I found out the hard way why a particular gf never let me come in her mouth when during a otherwise satisfactory sixty nine I gave her a healthy throatful.

She ran gagging from the room to throw up. Turns out she was allergic to semen. I ended up driving her to hospital to get something for the swelling, costing her a day off work and me a week or two without as punishment.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Sandwich
Not me, but an old flatmate...

Basically he's upstairs having sex with his girlfriend when mid-shag he decides that he needs the toilet. So he heads downstairs and goes to the toilet. The stops to have a chat with our other flatmate, Chris. Then makes a cheese sandwich. A grilled cheese sandwich. Eats that, watches a bit of 24 with Chris, then heads off upstairs to finish his missus off. Talk about intermission...

The worst sex I've ever had? A girl that shouted "Hallelujah!" when she climaxed...very disturbing. Messiah-tastic!
(HNGTHDJ, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:26, Reply)

New York City
...has a 'club' called "The Vault." It's a sex club. I went there with a girl who was told I had been there before (which was true) by my buddy and she kept insisting that I take her there. I refused, being a Southern gentleman, but this Irish lass (from Belfast) INSISTED that I take her there.

So I did.

This place is hard to describe really. Think medieval torture palace with sex thrown in and then include about 50 drunk people, walking around gawking. Maybe a good comparison would be Madama Tussauds meets Caligula.

We didn’t have sex there, but in the course of a rather intense snogging session, she tapped me on the shoulder to point out that an absolute dork was standing there having a wank while watching us kiss. (to be fair to him, I DID have her bra undone and was playing with the twins, so if you're reading this white t-shirt, backpack and flip flop guy, I kind of apologize...he was wearing NOTHING else, but had his tadger, a wee little guy, in between his fingers and was beating that thing like it owed him money.)

I then suggested he vacate the area immediately. I think my Marine Corps high and tight haircut made him think better of arguing the point.

So, knowing full well that I was IN there, I suggested we leave this den of idiots and head back to her place to do the horizontal mambo...she reached down to pick up her purse and VOILAS! No Purse. No purse, no greencard. No greencard no going home for her Sisters wedding back in Belfast in two weeks!

We visited the local constables, filed a report, then I took her home and I suggested I should crash on her couch and then help her search the area in the morning...the whole time I am thinking: NO WAY this chick is going to let me sleep solo....she did. She shut the door literally in my face and I was left with a long night, alone, on her couch. So I rubbed one out in her shower and didn't rinse.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Thrush + Oral = Unpleasant
Many years ago, while I was at Art School, I had a crush on a young lady in my year. Eventually we were both single and hooked up at a party, ended up round a friends house in bed together.

She was very pretty, but lived in what amounted to a squat really with lots of the more hippy/traveller contingent of the College ("man, I just sculpt with faeces, it's a way of coming to terms with my third breast/petrified bollock/swinging gay parents/etc /etc").

This wasn't taken into account when I went down on her to find out that they didn't appear to shower in their particular squat, or at least not very often. Her bits were a little "high" to say the least, a bit like a Pheasant that’s been left to hang for too long I suppose (minus the maggots).

Anyway, very unpleasant, little chap lost interest and decided to have a snooze, I made excuses and we gave up trying to shag. I managed to brush my teeth and after a while we got it together, minus the oral, and that was that.

Until a few days later when I noticed my knob was very itchy and looked like I had sprinkled handfuls of Parmesan on it. I realised I had thrush.

I then also got oral thrush a day or so later. Fantastic, not sure if it's possible to get oral thrush from clam kissing, but the whole experience left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth (sorry) and a couple of years of approaching any ladybits with great trepidation, much sniffing, taste testing and eventually engagement.

Grim, grim , grim.

(My cheesy knob was, obviously, perfect and smelt like an English rose garden in Summer. Of this I have no doubt.)
(King Baldie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:25, Reply)

In At The Deep End
Went out with a girl years ago who worked for the local health authority who as a job perk, had out-of hours staff access to the local mental hospital swimming pool (well that would have swung it for me on the job offer!)

I accepted the invitation of an evening trip to the pool and our swim quickly turned into a furtive sexual coupling at the deep end (admit it - you'd have done the same).

I was terribly anxious and concluded the business as quickly as possible due to the nagging fear (too many horror films I guess) of some deranged half-wit escaping from E block, breaking in and setting about us with assorted sharp objects.

To this day, the smell of chlorine still makes me shudder.
(Compulsive1 Hello is that the Police ?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Popidge
Yes, but your mum was the best I'd had, not the worst.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:23, Reply)

a tie
between the ropey looking streetwalker that I found in Brussels when extremely pissed and took to my brothers place only to find out that it had meat and veg when it was giving me a blow job. I let him carry on, but I really wasn't up for it and my member limped off

. or the attractively plain girl in 'La Cloche' in Utrecht, who was apparently bowled over with me as my mate said she had rushed into his session to tell the girl my Dutch mate was with that I was the best she had ever had, to which my response when he told me later was that she was a long long way from the best I have ever had. Just boring, I think if I am paying for it I would rather have extreme over acting than the breathing equivalent of a piece of meat - although I think I would rather have that than find out that I was in the mouth of a 'bloke'.
( Be-elzebulb_the_devils_own_gardener, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:20, Reply)

Can't believe nobody's said this yet..
Your Mum.

I'll get my coat...
( Popidge Last ate a kebab on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:18, Reply)

snot in my mouth
I used to see my ex only at weekends and sometimes not for a fortnight at a time (distances involved) so when we saw each other we used to go at it regardless of the conditions (you know what I mean...).

Anyway, I go to see her and she's recovering from a bad cold. We're in her house, up to her room and get down to it. about three quarters of the way through, she's on top, she presses her face to mine and leaves it there as we bang away. i start to feel a wetness on my face, ignore it as sweat. it runs into my mouth, it's definitely not sweat. I realised that her nose was running and because of where her head was it was going right in my mouth. I couldn't get her to move because she kept kissing me and more snot kept running in.

I managed to batter through and finish (it'd been two weeks!) but felt slightly sick.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:16, Reply)

Fuckin' rubbish.
After splitting up with the ex my one night stands have been pretty dull, just one up from the right hand and you don't have to tell your right hand your busy on Sunday afternoon. Anyways this one night I pull a shapely bird, bring her back to mine and she says she's a bit tired. Being a gentleman I give her a good seeing to for a couple of hours. Now I thoroughly enjoy this when it is reciprocated. However she decides a couple of minutes into a blowjob that her jaw aches. She then lies back, falls promptly asleep and snores through the early morning like a drunk judge (and she wasn't drunk). I was like Thanks Very Much.

Finished myself off and spluffed on her tits.
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Fri 15 Jun 2007, 15:06, Reply)

Women..
1) I pulled a PE student once. She was fit, lythe and gymnastic. She also treated sex like a session at the gym. She would count the thrusts out loud, and shout "encouraging things" like, "is that all you've got", "another 10", "keep pumping, only another 5 to go". Apparently, thats what her ex liked. Weirdo.

2) At Uni, I pulled a 17 year old in The Raz. She was fit, up for it and ready to go. We nip into the ladies, she lifts up her skirt and in I go. Doggystyle is good, and we both reach a satisfactory conclusion about 5 minutes later. She jumps off, and disappears off to get her coat so we can go home to try some other things.

Trouble was, she was surfing the crimson tide, and the front of my jeans and my white t-shirt are now covered in blood. I have to walk out of the club looking as though I'd been shot in the groin. I got stopped by the police twice on the way home.

3) Last day of Year 12. Big party at Lara's. The whole 6th form is there, apart from Karen, the girl I've been after.

I proceed to celebrate the end of school education by drinking myself sideways. Lara's parties are famous for the amount of booze available, so by 1am I'm Boris Yeltzin on a bad day.

Trouble is, I've nowhere to sleep. SO the Hostess, Lara, offers to share her caravan with me. The obvious happens. Littel did I know how loud Lara was. Halfway through, Her mum walks in holding a torch and a knife, wondering what all the noise is about. I've got Lara on her back, holding her legs up in the air, going at her hammer and tongs and begging me to "f*ck her hard".

Needless to say, I wasn't invited back again.

The thing was, we went on a biology field trip later in Year 13, and repeated the same outcome. Trouble was it was in a very crowded Youth Hostel, and both of us had to ring home to tell our parents we were heard having sex. Lara's parents came and picked her up, mu dad said how proud he was of me...

Sorry for the length, I got excited...
(gjb006, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:58, Reply)

My first post...
...so be gentle with me.

Back in my university days there was a girl I really fancied, but I was in a steady relationship at the time, so nothing happened, though I had drunkenly intimated to her that I fancied her every now and again. So when me and the long term ex broke up (due to her fucking my mate) I swiftly arranged an evening in with a bottle of wine and the lady in question. Things went as planned, and we ended up in the bedroom, having the WORST sex I have ever known. I seriously considered giving up time and time again, and in the end faked an orgasm and tried to go to sleep. She said it was great... In the morning she made it clear she fancied another go, so I said I needed to go for a piss, decided to sacrifice my T-shirt (which was still on her bedroom floor) and ran out of the flat with the rest of my stuff. The sex was really THAT bad.

The next time I saw her was about a year later in a club. Boy was that awkward...
(franktard, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:55, Reply)

banjo string
it wasn't me but i was at the student house party where it happened...

quote from guy: "i'm snogging this lovely bird and we sneak off to an upstairs bedroom and start getting it on in the dark. After a while I was thinking 'wow' she's really moist and loving it and the juices are flowing and there's juice everywhere and we're shagging away and just as i'm coming someone walks in the room and turns the light on. i look down at her and she's covered in blood and so am i. breasts, chests, faces, bedsheets the lot all over. it was like the exorcist. i tell her 'you could have told me you were on' and she looks at me and then my cock and says 'i'm not! it's not me it's you' and when i look down i've got blood spurting from my cock as well as..."

EPILOGUE: he's split his banjo string and she leads him naked from the upstairs bedroom to the downstairs bathroom (an old victorian 2 up 2 down) through the whole of the party where I am. she sits him in the bath while the whole party (me included) take it in turns to see him sitting in the bath getting first aid on his manhood.

i never saw him again but bumped into him in a couple years later in london when he told me the above story and admitted he left town after that.

length? about 2mm of flesh
(twistngo, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:52, Reply)

Afterwards
New bird, first shag, post coital fag and chat.

Her: Did you enjoy that?
Me: Of course! lets do it again.
Her: I cant believe i used to do this for extra money at university
Me: Seriously?
Her: Yes but I havent done it for money for ages. and I wont be charging you this time!
Me: So you were a whore?
Her: Well i dont like that word.
Me: I think i'll leave.
Her: My boyfriend will kick your fucking head in if he finds out what we just did.
Me: Fucking hell. Could you make this dreamy night even more perfect?.
Her: I stabbed a guy once. Not that deep. He was OK in the end.
Me: I have to go now.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Gripping
When I was an alcoholic, I had a favourite haunt. It was vey dark, very loud and quite cheap - perfect for a boozehound.

Whilst there a yacht of a girl took a shine to my drunken stumbling about, grabbed me by the Geoff and physically dragged me back to her hole several streets away. My last memory of the dive that night was my mate waving at me whilst laughing in my face.

She was huge. I was pissed and scared. After a considerable amount of effort on her massive frame, I sober up enough to spot her herpes spots and broken teeth. I manage to squeal "fuck this, I'm off" and scarper with my clothes under arm. Life has never been the same since.

[it was either this story or the one with the quadraplegic and the romantic, four hour, waddle back to hers]
( timothycrippins, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Waiting...
I am just waiting for the inevitable and MUCH appreciated re-post from RachelSwipe.

I could read that story once a week for the rest of my life.

Cheers!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:43, Reply)

My cheating ex-wife
The whole five month period between finding out my wife was shagging some bloke from work and actually selling the house and moving out was a dark period. Needless to say conjugals were off the agenda and sex (the worst) was confined to frequent, but pathetically miserable bouts of self-abuse.

The one redeeming feature in the whole sordid affair was the receptacle I used to catch my sticky, white love piss. She never noticed that her tub of Greek yoghurt seemed to be lasting longer than normal...
(JohnWatson66, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:43, Reply)

The lesser of two evils
A few years ago on hols with an ex, when one of her old afflictions flared up; a very severe attack of the chalfonts. Now the medical facilities in this far away country wern't that good, and the poor girl suffered greatly for a number of days. This , as you would expect curtailed our carnal activity.
However after a few more nights, my bollocks were "full as a fat girls shoe" and she wanted the offending chalfonts returning to their rightful place.Handing me a bottle of the finest baby lotion, adopted the kneeling position, instructed me to do her immediately, up the wrong 'un. Never being one to disappoint a lady,carried out her wish, but the thought of being used as a "Remedial medical tool " took all of my concentration to complete the job to a finish !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:42, Reply)

She told me she used to be a Hooker...
I found that quite a turn on, until afterwards she told me she used to be called Dave, and played for Wigan...

Badum-Tsh!
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:28, Reply)

His name was Andrew
and he was my second boyfriend. Very into keeping fit, he was one of those blokes who would take his shirt off at every opportunity in the hope that people would be impressed by his muscular, toned, tanned, waxed and possibly oiled torso. I cannot adequately describe how chuffed my 17-year-old, speccy, geeky, low-confidence self was to have pulled a guy this fit. Other girls were jealous of me, that had never happened before. It was great.

Until we got round to having sex. I was too naive to find it strange that he didn't want me to touch his cock. After a certain amount of fumbling about I was getting a bit bored.

ME: Stop teasing, fuck me.
(silence)
HIM: Um, I am. I've just finished actually.

I disentangled myself and true enough, there was a condom full of spluff hanging off a knob that reminded me of nothing so much as a champagne cork.

I subsequently "lost" his phone number but fair's fair, he also "lost" mine. We next met by chance about a month later, when we both acted like we'd never been an item.

Thankfully my sex life since then has been a considerable improvement.
( Batsgirl, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Gingeminge Haiku
She was tubby yes,
She was ginger, a minger
Oh why did I drink?
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

The funniest sex I ever had
was with an ex about 4 years ago. I'd been cooking/eating whilst she was getting increasingly drunk on the sofa watching TV under a duvet at her parents.

After I'd eaten I sat and watched whatever wank film was on with her, who by this stage was pretty drunk, when her parents returned and sat down opposite us.

At this point my ex decided that it was a good idea to try and wank me off under the duvet. To be fair she was quite subtle. Until I tried to return the favour when within 2 minutes she started to moan and writhe quite a bit.

I had a bit of a smug grin at this point, all hail me and my mighty fingers.

It wasn't until she hissed in my ear that I realised why she was reacting in such a way.

"You haven't washed your hands"

I'd be cooking with fresh chilis.

She had a burning cunt.

How I laughed.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Horrible.
Pissed as a fart, rutting away at this bird.
Shifted position and went for re-entry.
Must have slipped it up the wrong 'un cos the amount of friction was unreal.
"Bloody hell this is good" i thought. A few seconds later, something feels slightly weird.
A numbing sensation, that slowly turns into an unbearable streak of pain shooting through my body.
I look down to see my cock streaming with blood.
"Bollocks" thought me.
Got up without a word, and sprinted to the bathroom, to rinse it.
Bird walks in, to the sight of me, bollock naked, holding my (now shrivelled) cock under the cold water tap, whilst it pisses blood out.
Her reaction?

"Don't worry, it happens all the time"

Just no need is there.
(TinyDinosaur, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

the first is always the worst
For girls at least, they really don't tell you that you are going to bleed like a mo foe. "There could be a few spots of blood," i think is what we are told.
(phe, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

the biggest I ever had
he really was and he was a crack head (didn't know at the time). So we started to have a go and he went soft. MMMMMMkay...so he asked me to get him hard....we start going again...good, good, soft. WTF? So he takes matters into his on hands (pardon the pun) goes soft, I go down on him, he goes soft. Finally I give up and he goes to sleep on the couch. Damn that crack...such a waste of good equipment!
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Doing it to Al
The worst I've ever had was with some bloke who thought that Al Yankovic made for good sex music.

The next worse would be the time that I pulled some right fugly sod at uni who wanted to get down to it in my room in halls. We got part way there, but upon seeing the half a chipolata that constituted his fully erect penis I burst into a fit of giggles. This didn't deter him, but fortunately for me we'd both had far too much drink. So when he needed to pee, I promptly dove under the duvet fully clothed and pretended to be asleep. Thankfully he managed to take the hint and took himself off into the night. I'd like to say I never saw him again after that, but he had some of the same lectures as me and was a friend of a friend's boyfriend. Argh.
(Prawn, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Beware 14th Feb...
One of the worst times for me was on Valentine's Day about six years ago, when I was being ridden by my whale of an ex. I had long fallen out of love with her and was too much of a coward to split up with her.

Broke up with her on Oxford Street later that day when we got into a fight after the cunt couldn't find shoes that fitted.
(misteroz, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:21, Reply)

Letting rip
69 with a lady whose bum looked much smaller and much less spotty when she had clothes on. She then let rip 3 times.

Need I say more.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:19, Reply)