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What are you having on your pancakes?
or
what's the last thing you sold on Ebay/similar?

or
Tell us your woes, and we will sort them.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:19, Reply)
oh
well this is awkward
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:19, Reply)

why, what did you sell?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:26, Reply)
i accidentally sold my pancakes on ebay
can you help?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:21, Reply)
hth
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLJ-jXJLPcU
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:24, Reply)
I bought them and gave them to my dog.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:27, Reply)
worcestershire sauce,
oh and we've got some nice jalapeno sauce as well, might try that
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:22, Reply)
^full of crepe

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:26, Reply)
I much prefer savoury pancakes.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:26, Reply)
No pancakes for me.
A car.
They broke in to the workshop last night but didn't get in to my cupboard so I can't get a load of new tools.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:24, Reply)
Bastards.
Can't even rely on robbers to do their job right these days.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:27, Reply)
I motion for the house to recognise that the Honourable Member has repeatedly shown he has the ability to ask questions to which no-one can relate.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:24, Reply)
It's hard to find things appealing to internet shut-ins.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:28, Reply)
I'll probably go trad
Lemon and sugar. Same answer for all three.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:25, Reply)
How are you?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:27, Reply)
Alright
6 weeks until Napoli. You?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:28, Reply)
Wank
Tits
Arse
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:28, Reply)
I always find train journeys rather depressing
Looking out at all the houses, each the centre of the world for their owners, blithely unaware of how insignificant their drab little lives are to everyone but them.

But why are *you* a bit of a fucking twat?

#dogwanking is living well
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:19, Reply)
Wellingborough looks *horrible*

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:20, Reply)
I've had a couple of nice ones where it's been the Golden hour and there's nothing but rolling countryside and I'm a little half-cut listening to nice tunes.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:24, Reply)
the train ride from Oslo to Bergen was one of the best parts of my Norway holiday

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:28, Reply)
The prospect of a delicious pint of prawns at your destination adding to the enjoyment

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:37, Reply)
I wasn't aware they did pints of them at that point
But I did have a fantastic horse steak.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:42, Reply)

stea coc
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:44, Reply)
he'

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:46, Reply)
Similarly, Italian trains are cool.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:49, Reply)
I like the way they can't afford to clean graffiti off them so they just do the windows

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:51, Reply)
It's like being on a bobsled when it goes round corners.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:01, Reply)
yer
in the early days of Ryanair I flew to the wrong side of Italy and then took a train to Rome. The train ride across the mountains was fantastic, and cost about 50p
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:54, Reply)
Your nan's a fantastic ride, and also costs about 50p m8

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:58, Reply)
Hah, she only charges me 11p.
You're getting robbed Beefy.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:45, Reply)
does that include hold baggage though?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
Oi! It's not nice to refer to Grrry's Nan as 'baggage'.
She prefers the term 'Well-travelled'.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:50, Reply)
Golden SHOUR more like

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:52, Reply)
I used to travel from Portsmouth to Birmingham every other weekend by train
to see the dopey bint that was my university girlfriend. It's tragic that the train rides are my fondest memories of those times.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:28, Reply)
I used to get a train from Liverpool St to Norwich to see my mate at uni
some of it was picturesque, but mainly just housing and industrial estates
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:29, Reply)
sometimes i went via cambridge
Ely cathedral was a highlight for that journey
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:31, Reply)
Someone's been reading The Girl on the Train.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:30, Reply)
I'm sure they have but it's not me m8
I'm reading Jeff Chang's 'Can't Stop Won't Stop'
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:38, Reply)
I'm on Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions.
I was going to read Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls but it was at home so I started this instead.

#interesting #barry.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:27, Reply)
Loads of reasons, probably

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:32, Reply)
don't give him the satisfaction

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:33, Reply)
Hullo pal

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:39, Reply)
Orite mersh
How you living?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:42, Reply)
Not bad ta
Apart from having to go to Dottingham
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:45, Reply)
Dottsie I calls it!
Forgive me, is that where the new site is?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:46, Reply)
Yup
Some ghastly industrial estate
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:49, Reply)
Bleurgh
Still, makes you glad to get home, I guess
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:58, Reply)
Spose

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:03, Reply)
might make more sense for you to be permanently based at the Nottingham site

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:07, Reply)
fuck off

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:20, Reply)
they could save on your wages too

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:33, Reply)
It's really grim up here

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
hang on, isn't Nottingham your birthplace?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:38, Reply)
To my eternal shame, yes

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
lol

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
We left when I was two, thank god

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:43, Reply)
by then the damage had already been done.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:44, Reply)

i.imgur.com/3lnc6NY.png
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:44, Reply)
time to return home

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:50, Reply)
Ooh de lally!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:42, Reply)
i can think of at least 17

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:20, Reply)
anyway, takes one to know one!
LOL
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:33, Reply)
#smeltit #dealtit

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:36, Reply)
#soiled

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:37, Reply)
#deniedit #suppliedit

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:39, Reply)
#saidtherhyme #didthecrime

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:41, Reply)
#didtheditty #smellallshitty

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:33, Reply)
Also, there were two blokes on the bus this morning who sounded exactly like Derek & Clive
It was well lol.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:33, Reply)
I genuinely forget that the word cunt can be considered quite offensive/sexist South of the border.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:37, Reply)
They kept the language to a minimum
But it was just the way they spoke, and the rapid subject changes. Fully expected one of them to say "what's the worst job you ever had?"
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:39, Reply)

South of the border amongst civilised people
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:40, Reply)
So civilised you're cutting back all educational and health spending.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:49, Reply)
Who, monster munch??
Blimey, he kept that quiet
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:59, Reply)
is he the fit one?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:02, Reply)
y

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:18, Reply)
Might move to Scotland if this nonsense keeps up.
I'm married to one, so they ought to let me in.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:11, Reply)
I quite like train journeys.
They're an opportunity to retreat into your own consciousness with a book, some music and a drink, and not have to bother with considerations of making small talk or otherwise interacting with the outside world.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:39, Reply)
I got the train from Hong Kong to Shanghai
Lots of staring out of the window of thousands of miles. Saw lightening across wide expanses of plains, people tending paddy fields.

Then the tummy bug hit and I had to do the squat'n'shit because the toilet cubicles don't actually have toilets, they have holes in the floor and trying to aim a jet of arse lava on a moving train was a whole new game.

I also chose to go hard-sleeper which meant I shared an open cabin on a bunk above two old biddies. Insert ChiNan joke her
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:40, Reply)
I would very much like to draw attention to the phrase
"trying to aim a jet of arse lava on a moving train was a whole new game"
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:43, Reply)
It's got a ring to it

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:15, Reply)
*light applause*

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:18, Reply)

because the toilet cubicles don't actually have toilets, they have holes in the floor and trying to aim a jet of arse lava on a moving train was a whole new game.

I also chose to go hard-sleeper which meant I shared an open cabin on a bunk above two old biddies. Insert ChiNan joke her
and put the freshness bit, do the squat'n'shit and put the freshness bit
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:44, Reply)
They really shouldn't have changed it from Salt'n'Shake

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:47, Reply)
dunno is it nature or nurture?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:50, Reply)
both

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:51, Reply)
I blame Philip Larkin

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:56, Reply)
so do I
I think they should carpet bomb his place of birth so this never happens again
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:01, Reply)
I blame Philip Schofield

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:03, Reply)

hili o
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:19, Reply)
i like trains

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:52, Reply)
can't see the appeal myself.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:55, Reply)
wheeeeeeeeee!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:02, Reply)
Lol wee wee

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:04, Reply)
Each to their own, Rich.
I can drive, so the only train journeys I make are into London - 30 minutes, each way, and quite a few tunnels, so not much scenery to get upset about.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:13, Reply)
tell him to fuck off
I would, but I think it would mean more coming from you
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:31, Reply)
I wouldn't be fit to drive back from most of the places I get trains to.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:32, Reply)
bit of sniff will straighten you out

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:34, Reply)
It's been so long since I studied the Highway Code!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
Mate of mine used to do that.
Spend all night on the lash out in the country, cane a couple of grams then drive three hours back home like an absolute fecking lunatic.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:08, Reply)
I shaved my knackers etc with a razor
and now it's all in growing and painful
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
Was it for charity?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:38, Reply)
nah just for a laugh

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:57, Reply)
So Charity's not the stripper's name, then?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:09, Reply)
which stripper?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:11, Reply)
Train chat, you anorak wearing weirdo cunt.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
fair

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
Nottingham can fuck right off.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
Nottingham?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:42, Reply)
thank you

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
probably has a thermos and some manky sandwiches with him and everything.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:45, Reply)
weak lemon drink

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:48, Reply)
hahaha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:51, Reply)
Mellow Birds

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 11:55, Reply)
morning

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:10, Reply)
Hello.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:36, Reply)
woah, unexpected first place for monster munch
got your coffee cup this time?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:37, Reply)
Day off, today, so I'm going out for a dog walk then enjoying a proper pot of coffee.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:41, Reply)

l n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:57, Reply)

l n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:57, Reply)

l n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:20, Reply)

l n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:21, Reply)
I'm now singing 'going out for a dog wank' to the tune of 'staying out for the summer'
Not out loud though, I'm on a station platform
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:44, Reply)

station platform register already
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:44, Reply)
'Wanking off a dog' to the tune of The Pasadenas' Riding On A Train

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:47, Reply)
It also works for Riders on the Storm

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:52, Reply)
Einstein-a-go-go

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:55, Reply)
I'm gonna wank that dog
All over my hair,
I'm gonna wank that dog,
All over my hair,
I'm gonna wank that dog,
All over my hair,
And send him on his way.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:58, Reply)
Wanking the Dog by Judas Priest

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:02, Reply)
Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out now
She was a dog wanker,
One way ticket, yeah
It took me so long to find out
And I found out
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:07, Reply)
Dogwanking deserves a quiet night
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago
Turned around backwards so the windshield shows
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse
Still, it's so much clearer
I forgot my shirt at the kennel's edge
The moon is low tonight,
Dog wanking deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago
The fear of getting caught
Of recklessness and barking
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away
Replaced by everyday
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:09, Reply)

jelly.b3ta.com/talk/7802621
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:15, Reply)
I'm sure they all sing along
really.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:22, Reply)
You are wanking off a hound dog

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)

l n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:46, Reply)
lol, "wank"!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:50, Reply)
oh, NOW i get it

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:51, Reply)
Morning

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:55, Reply)
alright broadsword

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:56, Reply)
morning
Nottingham today :(
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:56, Reply)
wear a floppy hat with a feather in it
tell them you're raising their taxes
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:57, Reply)
Morning to all
Fuck Tuesdays
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 7:58, Reply)
I have a lot of sympathy for Tuesdays
Tiw is the one anglo-saxon god that gets no credit because Thunor and Wotan get all the HUR DUR VIKING recognition and steal his thunder (pun intended). So cheers Tiw, you're not forgotten.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:00, Reply)
Troublesome internet wankery

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:05, Reply)
woah, the angles predicted the internet?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:16, Reply)
mellow greetings

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:13, Reply)
season of dicks and mellow flebliness

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:15, Reply)
happy birthday

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:21, Reply)
not for another three months m8

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:25, Reply)
don't I look the fool

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:26, Reply)
Straight up, you ol' sexpot.
My socks are wet, but my shirt is dry. There's a sea-shanty in there somewhere.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:22, Reply)
sounds more like Robben Ford-style blues

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:26, Reply)
Could be.
I'm not a big blues fan but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:31, Reply)
East 17 MORE LIKE

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:26, Reply)
*makes hand gestures in a puffer jacket*

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:35, Reply)
<s>l</s> n

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:23, Reply)
oh, [REDACTED]!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:25, Reply)
what am [REDACTED] like eh?!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:30, Reply)
you're right, that IS funny!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:26, Reply)
haha we have a right laugh here don't we

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:30, Reply)
after manolith and I had a chat yesterday
I've decided the entire board is a collaborative work of performance art, and isn't actually intended for humorous purposes. Which explains a lot.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:36, Reply)
almost implying that this isn't all time wasted

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:42, Reply)
maybe Rob can apply for Arts Council funding to pay his leccy bill

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:45, Reply)
tangledupinblue is a site specific installation reflecting upon infantilism, normative behaviour online, and pushing the boundaries of mundanity beyond the audience's expectation using limited language on a minimalist template.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:46, Reply)

tangledupinblue is a site specific installation reflecting upon infantilism, normative behaviour online, and pushing the boundaries of mundanity beyond the audience's expectation using limited language on a minimalist template. n
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:48, Reply)

site specific installation reflecting upon infantilism, normative behaviour online, and pushing the boundaries of mundanity beyond the audience's expectation using limited language on a minimalist template. bumhead
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:22, Reply)
AM

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:39, Reply)
the least shit album in The Artic Monkeys' repertoire of shittery

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:44, Reply)
ternal

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:49, Reply)
good morning grrrshine
the board says 'hello'
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:46, Reply)
the board made some indescribable noise that you've interpreted as "hello"
much like a middle aged spinster would over her terrier's incessant yapping.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)
the bored say 'hello'

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)
morning.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)
oh here is, the big I Am

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)
I've seen bigger

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 8:54, Reply)
IBYH
YDOB
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:07, Reply)
Good to see dog wank chat up the board there.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:15, Reply)
dog wank chat are we led it up the board

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:21, Reply)
Hello

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:08, Reply)
Currently on my way into the office
Or the ORIFICE as I call it! Hahaha. #LittleBritainTalkingKeychain
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:11, Reply)
^ this exhibit encapsulates the state of British comedy at the turn of the millenium

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:13, Reply)
But I am a lady!!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:16, Reply)
If it had only run for one series it would probably be remembered as a cult classic
it just wore thin. Still, Walliams got millions out of it so fair play to him, it's not like there was anything better on.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:20, Reply)
Phoenix nights, The Office, Spaced.
Even if you don't care for them, they are all objectively better than Little Britain.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:12, Reply)
it's tragic that that's the summary of turn-of-the-century British comedy :(

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:17, Reply)
hahahaha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:19, Reply)
Mornsnowing

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:18, Reply)
how the weather tables have turned
it's blue skies and 13 degrees here
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:19, Reply)
it's very sunny here too
probably having another psychotic break
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:21, Reply)
Fuck off cunt
Left my beautiful new house at 6:30 this morning approximately 27 miles from my destination, witnessed 3 different traffic collisions on the same stretch of motorway, arriving in Manchester at 9:15.

The heavy snow has now turned to rain.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 12:02, Reply)
Rip Gustavito

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:24, Reply)
another victim of El Salvador's drug problem
RIP
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:31, Reply)

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(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 9:34, Reply)
the hydraulic press guy has made a sponsored video to promote the new wolverine film
what a fucking sellout
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:12, Reply)
ultimately, I think that's all youtubers ever want
The chance for massive, massive sponsorship.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:14, Reply)
to be honest, i'm happy for him
he seems like a genuinely good dude
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 10:16, Reply)
@alcoholised
#alcoholized
...
why can't we speak like normal people anymore?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:18, Reply)
Who?
What?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:41, Reply)
whom, more like

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:48, Reply)
Dunno

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:49, Reply)
Whence

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 23:12, Reply)
Whom

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 23:59, Reply)
Slim Shady

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 0:12, Reply)
Buy real/fake passports,(( globaldocs1971@gmail.com ))driver license,visa,id card,ielts etc

(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 0:42, Reply)
WILLY'S

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:22, Reply)
Talk is jeep
Haha, cars!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:22, Reply)
Jeeps aren't cars, ffs Richard

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:35, Reply)
They make cars tho

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:37, Reply)
yeah, if you can call them that these days
I hate SUVs
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:38, Reply)
I hate SUVs right now

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:40, Reply)
why?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:10, Reply)
they just keep pushing the large end of the car-size overton window,
it's all really rather silly
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:18, Reply)
why not just do your weekly shop in one of these
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e6/23/47/e62347fe215885e962e78e7935a022c1.jpg
it's only a matter of time i guess
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:21, Reply)
I was quoting the kelis song

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:49, Reply)
Not so sharp, this lad

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:06, Reply)
Fat Willy's Surf Shack?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:26, Reply)
Had a sex wax t shirt from them 30 years ago

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:41, Reply)
Did it ever help you get sex?
Or wax, for that matter?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:54, Reply)
Have you smoked that wax stuff , blimey that's concentrate

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:00, Reply)
Nah, sounds orrible.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:04, Reply)
It's alright, just nuts you

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:06, Reply)
I want to give it a go

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:41, Reply)
I don't see little Jessica anymore , she was cooking it at the crematorium she works at

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:51, Reply)
That's hilarious

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:59, Reply)
Did you see that ex-mod bunker that got raided last week?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:16, Reply)
Yeah, getting done for slavery, nice

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:17, Reply)
I'd not seen that bit.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:23, Reply)
England 2017, slavery , nothing changes

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 20:09, Reply)
Did see a documentary about modern slavery a few weeks ago.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 20:14, Reply)
Don't think so, but it's never stopped

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 20:17, Reply)
Willy Biz
Bet that's a thing now, like Minnie the Lesbian, and The Three Furries, and Lord Champagne Socialist, revolting politically correct LGBTHDWD4T agenda mafia running Teh Comic's nowadays
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:26, Reply)
PC Thomson more like!!!!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:27, Reply)
BUM

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:42, Reply)
go on then...

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:45, Reply)
FORESKIN

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:55, Reply)
^^ Anti Semite

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 18:57, Reply)
willy con carne

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:04, Reply)
Gaysadea, more like

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:11, Reply)
Fagita

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:13, Reply)
Chode in the hole.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:28, Reply)
carBONERa more like

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:33, Reply)
Spaghetti BOLLOCKnese

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:40, Reply)
COCK au vin

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:43, Reply)
Seen a few Greek menu's list 'cock in wine'.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:57, Reply)
roast DICKen with all the rimmings

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:48, Reply)
POOP of the GAY

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:50, Reply)
something penis related

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:52, Reply)
Please try to grow up at some point.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 20:48, Reply)
Ur Nan made my penus grow up.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 20:52, Reply)
This is dumb for even your Talk/efforts
Show some respect to those who still have some time and love this place. If you don't like it then stop whining and feck off and leave us alone from your childish pranks.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:02, Reply)
tee hee pointing at chickens

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:13, Reply)
Can't believe it's been nearly 23 months since The Doveston dropped those tools back to his dad, it still freaks my nut out to this day.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:16, Reply)
I've only got one on me at the moment
I can phone around and see if I can get any more for you
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:33, Reply)
Thanks m8

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 19:42, Reply)
The Pissin Dix
Good band name?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:20, Reply)
Sure, if you don't want to sell anything in a big shop

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:23, Reply)
Guff

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 21:56, Reply)
Erry day

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 22:04, Reply)
Had to pop over the river to the other side of town just now
it's proper Communism over there. What's it like where you are?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:04, Reply)
dunno
We've now got a souvenir shop in Commercial Road. We found ONE item with Portsmouth on it. The rest is London and Brighton.
There was even a keyring with "I bought this at Camden Market" on it
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:06, Reply)
and when I took some students to Sandwich, they couldn't buy a sandwich anywhere
they had to make do with baguettes. Truly and utterly broken Britain.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:10, Reply)
Is a baguette not a type of sandwich?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:14, Reply)
No, that was invted by the Earl de Baguette

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:14, Reply)
The cul de sac was invented by the marquis de sac

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:23, Reply)
Amanda Cadanet
was invented by the Earl Da Cadanet
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:30, Reply)
The Marquis de Marc invented The Funky Bunch

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:32, Reply)
*very similar joke about mark e smith*

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:13, Reply)
The Qwerty keyboard was invented by Hungarian Qwerty Uiop, who decided to sign his name on the top row.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:21, Reply)
that watch still hasn't had many bids

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:30, Reply)
Which one, sorry must've missed it?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:32, Reply)
brand new, with a light!
auction.catawiki.com/kavels/10249421-hudson-instalite-jump-hour-watch-unisex-wristwatch-1970s
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:35, Reply)
Cheers, I'll keep an eye on it.
There's a load of them NOS for about £50-70 on ebay. I don't like them compared to some of the more rounded ones though.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:37, Reply)
have you had a look on here
www.retro-watches.co.uk

www.sometimeago.com
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:41, Reply)
I really like that

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 17:39, Reply)
They're quite clean and bright for commie blocks aren't they?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:10, Reply)
commie blocks get painted regularly
trouble is the councils buy job lots of paint, so you end up living in a bizarre pastel nightmare
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:16, Reply)
They're pastel red and blue here as well.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:20, Reply)
still more pleasant than thamesmead

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:31, Reply)
Allow me to present Balnagask.
link
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:36, Reply)
Pfft those lucky cunts have a lawn

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:42, Reply)
just googled that and thought "huh, looks like the place in Misfits"
durrr
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:37, Reply)
And clockwork orange, it's all being knocked down and rebuilt

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:38, Reply)
Just found a forgotten bag of liquorice allsorts in my draw!
Yayyyyyy!!!!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:10, Reply)
i found a toblerone in the freezer
and a packet of fruit pastilles in the living room. one good thing about having kids to stay the weekend!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:12, Reply)
Bonus!
hope it makes up for the sick you'll find in one of your shoes later in the week.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:14, Reply)
if they were dumb enough to go near my shoes
they should be grateful they only threw up
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:17, Reply)
Toblerone?! In the freezer??! Are you insane?
You'll take an eye out! It'll be like trying to bite into a Tyrannosaurus Rex's face!!

Or like a dildo fashioned by Stihl
(, Tue 28 Feb 2017, 3:21, Reply)
^ turning Bertie

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:16, Reply)
He's a woofter, not a Wooster

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:18, Reply)
Objection!
Irrelevant to my discovery of a packet of sweeties.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:25, Reply)
sustained!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:26, Reply)
order!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:30, Reply)
vodka and coke, please

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:48, Reply)
^knickers are red with podka dots on

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:53, Reply)
actually, they're black

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:00, Reply)
The Vaporzzzzz

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:33, Reply)
cold and pissing it down
which helps keep the chav scum indoors
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:11, Reply)
I'm in walking distance of a Waitrose.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:11, Reply)
bloody snobs

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:38, Reply)
dunno I sit with my back to the window

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:20, Reply)
It's halfway between Gloucester and Cheltenham, both physically and culturally

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:27, Reply)
^ lives in the Glos. Airport baggage handling depot

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:32, Reply)
it's alright, if you ignore the shit bits

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:32, Reply)
Two Hats' lawn?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:35, Reply)
I'm right here, you know

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:36, Reply)
*ignores*

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:48, Reply)
I can't see
I'm blind
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:49, Reply)
That's a shame
You won't be able to see this:

i.imgur.com/HZP8L5J.jpg
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:53, Reply)
I'm a memeologist

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:58, Reply)
Is that popular Radio 2 DJ Steve Wright?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:41, Reply)
For the right lady, he's whoever you want him to be

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:54, Reply)
Alright PJ

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:54, Reply)
Spuggy!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:58, Reply)
Pissing it down
Standard
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:56, Reply)
we have too many supermarkets here

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:03, Reply)
how many?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:14, Reply)
4,875

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:52, Reply)
Wow
That IS too many!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:54, Reply)
he was right all along, i was a fool to doubt him

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 17:05, Reply)
There's so many now they hardly seem very super. They should go back to just calling them markets.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:57, Reply)
it's a small town, and we have four
with a 5th one planned
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:56, Reply)
Are they all busy though?
Supply and demand innit.
I doubt a big chain would open a store for shits and giggles.
Not in this fairyconomy.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 17:04, Reply)
It depends if they're the right kind of supermarket.
Cheltenham is mostly Waitrose, Whole Foods and M&S. There is an ASDA but they've hidden it away so most people don't have to see it.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 16:56, Reply)
I bought my speakers from the Richer Sounds in Cheltenham.
Birmingham's probably closer but harder to get parked.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 17:25, Reply)
I've been in meetings, all morning, with more to come this afternoon.
Consequently, I haven't done any work, today, but one of my actions from the last meeting was to "arrange more meetings".
Can you convince me to not kill myself?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:18, Reply)
it's not productive to have so many meetings
you need to take this to your boss or beyond. [Serious]
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:19, Reply)
oh and happy new year to our Mongolian boarders!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:19, Reply)
thanks

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:26, Reply)
My boss has gone home on a bumhole related matter, so I'll just have to complain to myself.
Or you.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:22, Reply)
did they soil themselves?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:23, Reply)
No, but maybe I'll mcbeef in sympathy.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:28, Reply)
If you shit yourself you can probably go home.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:36, Reply)
lock yourself in the toilets and wait

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:25, Reply)
Hey $$, you're clever
What do you make of this?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pronoia_%28psychology%29
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:58, Reply)
Sounds similar to that "prosperity gospel" mumbo-jumbo.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:02, Reply)
Mumbo, perhaps
But jumbo?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:05, Reply)
perhaps not

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:33, Reply)

it +nk
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:59, Reply)
I could, but I won't.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:20, Reply)
I don't think I can, sorry

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:22, Reply)
cheer up,
you might get made redundant soon
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:23, Reply)
That's certainly something to look forward to.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:27, Reply)
I could certainly have a crack.
Let's schedule a meeting at 17:00 on Friday to talk about it.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:27, Reply)
*fashions tie into a noose and ends it all*

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:30, Reply)
I've never had a job that's required a tie

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:40, Reply)
There are very few people wearing ties in this office.
Short sleeves notwithstanding, I don't like to wear a shirt without a tie.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:50, Reply)
I have loads of ties, i just dont get to wear them

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:57, Reply)
I've lost most of mine, so just cycle through the same 3 or 4.
Got called out for wearing a spotted tie with a striped shirt, the other day.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:58, Reply)
is this some kind of office faux pas?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:00, Reply)
Apparently so.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:04, Reply)
^ This
I've got over fifty of them knocking around at home and it's been over a decade since I last wore a tie to work on a regular basis.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:59, Reply)
the only one I ever get to wear is the black one.
Im 28 years old and I've been to more freinds funerals than weddings. Got another tomorrow. I don't know what the fuck is going on
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:02, Reply)
^Repeatedly wakes up in the morning fully dressed under the covers with dried blood on his hands and no memory of the night before

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:07, Reply)
I thought I was just getting drunk and eating kebabs with my bare hands

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:11, Reply)
My landlady and landlord are here
they've decided to sell the house and have agreed to knock off rent this month if I help them get it nice for photos. However the time I've spent working for them has now far surpassed the rent they've taken off so im working at a loss. Really want to make them aware of this but they have agreed to call off the letting agents final deposit check (which the bastards always try and keep)if they give word the house is nice enough, so I dont wanna rock the boat, but im pissed off about the whole thing
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:36, Reply)
I got my whole deposit back last time, apparently this is highly unusual.
The letting agent did fuck me about for two and a half months before releasing it, though. Don't give them any excuse m2^3, dust down the backs of radiators, polish the brass moustache.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:43, Reply)
Yeh I've been stung a couple of times
So thats why I'm keen to let the landlord make the call and keep the agents out of it. just feel a bit like theyre taking the piss as this is the third day off work I've had to take off to sort out their house!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:46, Reply)
Record everything, dates and times, take photos
protect yourself in case it all goes to shit
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:48, Reply)
I did as well. I paid a professional cleaning firm £140 to do it.
It would have taken me all weekend and I'd have done a much worse job. Money well spent I reckon.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:50, Reply)
My housemate suggested this

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:56, Reply)
The prick that I got in to clean the carpets made them even worse by dumping dirty water everywhere.
Agent couldn't say anything as he was their recommendation.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:03, Reply)
I thought it was standard practise to withhold the last couple of months rent
Then just pay the difference if they don't fuck you around, a few months later
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:53, Reply)
I'll set up a meeting.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:36, Reply)
Oh, bindun.
In that case, kill yourself.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:37, Reply)
Think of meetings as parties
with no booze, music, friends or fun.

But with added bonus of note-taking!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:37, Reply)
Nothing gets a party going more than the expression "I believe we have enough of a quorum to make a bid"

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:43, Reply)
"Quantum" has become a popular word, here.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:52, Reply)
You're thinking of "squartum".
HTH.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:53, Reply)
In what context?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:56, Reply)
I think it's being used to replace "number of".
People are trying to sound clever, I reckon.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:05, Reply)
Oh we say 'bandwidth' here for that.
Given I work for a fucking software firm, this seems needlessly confusing.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:16, Reply)
"Barry! Barry! Are you listening to me, Barry?"
Sorry, boss, but I'm on dial-up, this morning.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:22, Reply)
I like this as it sounds a bit like one of those viz euphemisms for being hungover like 'still got the choke out'.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:35, Reply)
I've heard a few people say 'head-wounds' recently.
Given I do not work in an infirmary, I feel this is somewhat dramatic.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:08, Reply)
what's in it for me?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:43, Reply)
The Hippocratic oath compels you.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:51, Reply)

Hippocratic oath power of Christ
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:52, Reply)
I don't recall having ever said the Hippocratic Oath.
Besides, I'm pretty sure they're cool as long as I don't actively try to persuade you to kill yourself. It's more of a guideline anyway.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:00, Reply)
i could
by telling you it's more fun to plan the deaths of others than to plan your own
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:02, Reply)
^this

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:04, Reply)
New thread to signal the inexorable passage of time that has left morning in its scorched and smoking wake.
"Cheap/free gigs in pubs are a more authentic and rewarding musical experience than massive concerts in large-scale venues." Discuss.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:26, Reply)
they might be more authentic
in demonstrating that most self-proclaimed musicians should have their fingers removed in a portable guillotine, and that most music is flighty tawdry wank, little more than aural masturbation for the musician who wrote it yet likely to count as the crowning glory in the pathetic achievements of life, not unlike that Creme Brulee character from League of Gentlemen.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:29, Reply)
Warming up and tuning up for your rendition of "Happy Happy Joy Joy"?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:33, Reply)
nah, I like gigs
but I think I like them despite how they sound, if that makes sense. I go and see bands where I already know the albums inside out so I my brain fills in the blanks caused by awful acoustics, poorly set-up PA systems and drunken cheering. It's fun hearing the stuff I like blasted out at rib-rattling volumes, but when it's a new band I don't know it just gets dull really really quickly. Especially at festivals.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:39, Reply)
That's a fair point.
I tend to steer clear of anything rib-rattling myself because my ears can't hack it...the gig I went to on Saturday was at the other extreme - the girl had her mic so low I could barely hear her, and I was in the front row.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:44, Reply)
Those are the gigs that disappear up their arse far too quickly
Some folk dickhead with an acoustic guitar who chats for ten minutes about all the other places he's played at, then does a two minute tribute to his dead labrador, then another 15 minute ramble about some tedious bollocks and he knows we're a captive audience because beer is so expensive these days that we're not going to guzzle down or abandon our pints and fuck off no matter how shit he is.

Looking at you, Broadstairs Folk Week.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
do you enjoy writing stuff like this?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:36, Reply)
it just sort of comes out

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
it doesn't feel that way to read it

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:48, Reply)
what do you want from me?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:55, Reply)
nothing
i just can't imagine what the motivation for writing a post like that is. i mean it's all hyperbole, isn't it. you don't actually feel that way, so it's a fiction created either for an audience (us) or for your own satisfaction. i just wondered which
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:04, Reply)
what makes you think I don't actually feel like that?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:05, Reply)
because it's a comically exaggerated sentiment
you can't actually think that most musicians should have their fingers cut off because that would make you a psychopath
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:42, Reply)
for all the accusations of autism you throw about
you do come across as a ragingly demented aspergers at times.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:43, Reply)
'all the accusations of autism'?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:52, Reply)
still getting hung up on details here manolith
you need to calm down, see the bigger picture
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:02, Reply)
*sigh*
ok, whatever man. i was just curious.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:03, Reply)
well, if you really think about it
none of us really come here to entertain others, since we're all so clearly shit at doing so, so every post on here must be some sort of masturbatory self-love since no-one reads all this shit we type. Is that an answer for you?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:07, Reply)
it is an answer, yes.
i already regret the time we've spent on this exchange anyway, so let's just crack on
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:12, Reply)
so to speak

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:05, Reply)
I like biscuits

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 15:48, Reply)
Grrrry's 'crabs in a bucket' approach to enjoyment strikes again.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:38, Reply)
I got crabs from your nan's bucket m8

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:41, Reply)
?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
TL;DR: Most musicians are too self-absorbed to realise how shit they are

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)

It's a shit business..
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:41, Reply)
I say this at least once a day

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:34, Reply)
I have to say that I think Voodoo Lady
is a great tune. I'd happily pay to see Creme Brule
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:49, Reply)
Ive never understood going to see stand up comedy at arenas.
Agreed with gigs, depends on the star though. Sometimes the atmosphere is more buzzing in a huge arena.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:35, Reply)
the only arena comedian i've seen is bill bailey
it does feel weird but he did enough big, mad stuff to justify it a bit
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
HE'S SO ZANY!!!!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:43, Reply)
well, quite

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:53, Reply)
A friend of mine went to see Lee Evans at one of the big arenas
so...there's always that.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
Lee Evans is so shit he even made parts of Fifth Element unwatchable

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:48, Reply)
Oh come on, he's no Chris Tucker.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:52, Reply)
hey, you leave ruby rhod alone
green?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:54, Reply)
bzzz!!!!
BZZZZZZZZZ!!!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:10, Reply)
Yeah
The very first time I watched him, he made me laugh. The second time, I realised that his whole act was just 'sweaty norman wisdow who does a funny voice sometimes'. And do you know what? I never lol'd again.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:55, Reply)
do they tell the first 2 rows of punters that they're in the 'splash zone'

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:53, Reply)
I know I certainly do

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:58, Reply)
well, that judge said you have to

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:42, Reply)
It's more for the public's safety than anything else

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:49, Reply)
If you rang up the Hammersmith Apollo, right,
and you said "I'm going to spend an hour and a half pulling faces like a monkey and doing nothing else. Fancy booking me as the star attraction?", they'd laugh in your face and hang up. But for Lee Evans, it seems to work.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:59, Reply)
*chews stogie*
Y'know what? I like ya moxie, kid. Ya hired.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:00, Reply)
He's well lol, he moves around!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:01, Reply)
that's where I'm going wrong
I haven't moved in months
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:02, Reply)
well you shouldn't rush into it, that can be dangerous
build up gradually
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:39, Reply)
yeah, or you might get shin splints

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:43, Reply)
I can't believe John Bishop sells out at arenas
that's depressing
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:58, Reply)
there's a massive market for unchallenging comedy
seems like a lot of people want to laugh without having to put any effort in
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:05, Reply)
i just thought he was good looking for housewives to like him

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:22, Reply)
regional accents are reassuring as well, apparently

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:23, Reply)
I always assume people are there to see bez.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:08, Reply)
See also: Russell Howard

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:11, Reply)
I've got a theory that all comedians called russel are shit

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:12, Reply)
even Russ(el) Abbot?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:20, Reply)
Pretty much...
I do like Russell Brand though.
Haters gonna hate, but he's a clever guy.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:21, Reply)
If he was a tenth as clever as he thinks he is, he'd be moderately bright.
Oh wait, he is.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:40, Reply)
I had a deep loathing of the man until I saw a routine he did for Amnesty
and I'd still hate to be in the same room as him, but I do respect the guy. I've never heard anyone do such a good takedown of The Sun in a routine and for that he should have his dues.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:47, Reply)
not sure

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:37, Reply)
I was going to say something along these lines
I might've gone with 'dunno', but I guess we'll never know for sure.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
just go for it and see what happens

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:45, Reply)
thx m8

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:46, Reply)
I'm looking forward to your birthday party.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:30, Reply)
I'm just disappointed that I wasn't invited
Should be a good do though
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:59, Reply)
I don't get to go to either any more. Maybe you could ask a question more relevant to my current interests, the difficulties of arranging childcare perhaps.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:45, Reply)
just get a truant teenager to look after it
they get real world experience and work experience.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
You could have started a thread when Grrrrmachine asked.
Just saying, y'know.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:48, Reply)
I'd suggest getting an au pair but you're probably holding out for some sort of childminderbot aren't you?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:16, Reply)
When he gets an au pair he automatically envolves into Shambles 2: The Rebannening
and it'll be bots and hacked user accounts all over again.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:18, Reply)
Given they appear to be cheaper than proper domestic servants, I'd consider having one just as a live-in maid.
They can just watch the telly or saink in the time they'd normally be looking after the kids.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:22, Reply)
but then you've got a live-in lodger
and you could probably rent out a room for more money than a maid costs, so you're selling your spare room short there.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:31, Reply)
Who makes a lodger do all the housework though?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:33, Reply)
no-one, but you use the cash from your lodger to hire a maid
who will clean up all the mess from your drug-fueled benders paid for by your lodgerly profit.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:43, Reply)
My band is called lodgerly profit.
What are the odds?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:40, Reply)
I've just ordered a chinese vacuum / mop bot

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:46, Reply)
It will almost certainly do a worse job than a hired human cleaner.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:58, Reply)
i'm getting someone in to clean my oven soon
it feels wildly decadent and yet i feel compelled to clean the rest of the kitchen so they don't judge me
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:01, Reply)
haha
One of the (many) reasons I wouldn't want a cleaner is that I don't want a stranger judging how untidy my house is.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:08, Reply)
why don't you get someone you know to judge you on your messy house and a stranger to clean it?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:20, Reply)
Yeah we have cleaners, if I can be bothered I sometimes go round using the toilet brush to remove the shit smears before they come.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:35, Reply)
Those cleaning kits that come with the bags for the racks and stuff make it a lot easier.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:13, Reply)
dunno

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
Check out the balls on this guy, what an absolute legend!
#madladz
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:48, Reply)
you can't come in here and say that, you madman

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:54, Reply)

Your T-shirt has arrived, m8.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:55, Reply)
Oh yeah, it's my fucking birthday on saturday

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:01, Reply)
hold up
It's Chelsea Clinton's birthday today. Let's celebrate that first and then we'll get round to you.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:04, Reply)
when your dad's one of the world's most famous adulterers
and your mum lost a popularity contest to an orange billionaire racist, I'd expect you'd want your birthday to be more of a subdued affair.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:07, Reply)
That's why I'm not having a party this year

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:18, Reply)
you should
to show your support for Trump
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:21, Reply)
He knows, $$
He knows
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:25, Reply)
Do you know what word isn't rude but I reckon it sounds a bit rude?
Lens
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:27, Reply)
Got a nice lens on that, m8

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:31, Reply)
See what I mean?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:32, Reply)
It's the Britney Tongue phenomenon m8
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSnqeQ9fzmo
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:40, Reply)
Gantastic

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:34, Reply)
She get lens
she knows how to use them
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:36, Reply)
on strictly they'd often refer to "len's lens" and it did sound a bit saucy

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:56, Reply)
Len's lens?
Jesus
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:07, Reply)
that's just obscene
I'm going to write a letter to somebody about this, possibly the Radio Times
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:19, Reply)
I don't pay a license fee for this sort of filth

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:20, Reply)
I go to a specialist shop behind New Street station for mine

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:30, Reply)
you're looking alright for 65

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:49, Reply)
cheers

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:37, Reply)
depends what you're looking for and who the particular artist is
I can't deal with these sweeping generalisations
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:32, Reply)
This is why I only listen to Skee-Lo these days

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:33, Reply)
most of the live hip-hop that I've seen hasn't been that good

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:37, Reply)
*makes note* Skee-lo = hip-hop

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:39, Reply)
Same here

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:12, Reply)
Too many coloureds in the audience, spoiling it for everyone else

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:15, Reply)
lute player in a pub in Norfolk y/n?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:33, Reply)
that's too far for me

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:36, Reply)
how about Ed Sheeran busking in the city centre of Cov?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:37, Reply)
I'd be there to watch the pudgy faced ginge rip a few fresh beats

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:38, Reply)
I've not knowingly heard any of his songs (I'm sure I have, just not associated it with him) yet I could pick him out in a line-up, usually it's the other way round.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:40, Reply)
dunno who that is soz

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:44, Reply)
liar
you've poked him in the poo hole with your twanger
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:48, Reply)
There's nothing about this sentence that I didn't like

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:50, Reply)
do you know, i still think of that post you made about a jellyfish sometimes
it was so grammatically awful it was almost glorious
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:57, Reply)
Jellyfish...my apologies dear boy, you're going to have to remind me

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:01, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/talk/8032890
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:04, Reply)
Ah yes, of course
You see, this is how I speak around my wife because it really winds her up.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:10, Reply)
twangledupedspoo?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:23, Reply)
sure, why not

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:25, Reply)
it's spelt l33t ffs

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:44, Reply)
it's spelt flour ffs

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:51, Reply)
no use crying over spelt milk

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:00, Reply)
when you seive flour, do you use a Knightmare voice to say "Speltcasting!" ?
If not, you should
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:03, Reply)
No
and nor will I
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:11, Reply)

 
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:13, Reply)

i.imgur.com/87F6zw8.jpg
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:16, Reply)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
men
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:19, Reply)

i.imgur.com/T8ZuKWA.gif
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:21, Reply)
mine's bigger

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:24, Reply)
alright 'bobby briggs'

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:22, Reply)
he's back, baby

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:26, Reply)
there's a sticker above a doorway in one of the corridors here that says 'no spelling' in stern red letters

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:23, Reply)
Perhaps they mean Tori Spelling
or anyone else from her family, for that matter
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:25, Reply)
Wizard free zone

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:27, Reply)
Beyond my remit soz

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 12:49, Reply)
TH10 now, inferno tower on the go
you given up?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:04, Reply)
Nah I just keep forgetting to play and get robbed , just did 10, cooking for 8 now

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:10, Reply)
I worked out it'll take 6months to hit TH11 if all 5 builders are in constant use
not sure I can be bothered with that
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:17, Reply)
Current climate of love bands here is mostly wank.
There are some excellent bands knocking about that are great to see live. But 90% of it is just plain old shit. I think a lot of it is down to the sort of weird men in the heir 40s who never quite made it, back when venues were always full, who are now gig promoters who just have no idea about decent modern bands and put on the same boring indy bands and dad rock and acoustic Ed sheeran wannabes. I've seen some great small touring bands come through town, but it's always a one off show by an out of town promoter that recognises the students don't eat to hear rolling Stones covers.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:25, Reply)
Do yourself a favour and don't read any of that shit.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:26, Reply)
most students don't eat are they led it off the road?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:32, Reply)
So many women keep saying how they want their men to be REAL MEN,
and then they listen to Ed Sheeran, who's the wussiest excuse for a male vocalist in recent memory.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:36, Reply)
^ bent vocals are the death of rock

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:37, Reply)
Nice glass of emo whine?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:41, Reply)
They'd soon complain if Ike Turner was rocking up their garden path.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:42, Reply)
Depends on the band
There are some bands who can play a huge venue and be amazing: one of the best gigs I've seen was AC/DC in Wembley. I should imagine Queen were grandiose enough to do a good job in a mega stadium. Certainly The Who could. But there are more bands who can pull it off than not. Lol, pull it off
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:56, Reply)
lol

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 14:13, Reply)
morning
Authorized and Official Morning Thread here - merchandise available at the stand!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:02, Reply)
morning²

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:28, Reply)
^ tribute to Bill Paxton

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:34, Reply)
I was unaware of his death until just now.
Feel a bit sad, now.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:42, Reply)
wait until you find out about neil fingleton

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:48, Reply)
I'm way behind on GoT, so no spoilers, please.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:57, Reply)
SPOILER ALERT: it's shit

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:10, Reply)
+ rubbish

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:20, Reply)
someone dies

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:22, Reply)
There was a tall man called Neil Fingleton
Seven foot tall from his toes to his chinnegan
Lived life large till his heart gave innegan
Poor old Neil Fingleton
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:58, Reply)
this is terrible, even for you

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:22, Reply)
I just googled the bloke and saw he had a heart attack
I'm not going to write a smashing obituary for a bloke I never even knew existed.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:28, Reply)

There once was a man named Neil Fingleton,
whose height made him often a singleton,
Though a basketball star
and a monstrous Mag Mar,
From the strain his heart's had its last tingle - done.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:35, Reply)
There once was a wanker called Neil
Whose height was his only appeal
Nobody cried
When the massive prick died
Cos it wasn't that big of a deal

*drops mic*
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:39, Reply)
Go ahead, take the easy, cheaty way out...see if we care.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:42, Reply)
"I went to /talk, and all I got was this lousy morning thread."

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:46, Reply)
A band I like is currently selling
these (NSFW)
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:49, Reply)
Lol
Going to see them at the end of the month too, can't wait
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:52, Reply)
the EP and Meliora are their best work
can't quite get into the earlier stuff
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:59, Reply)
Can I get an "I'm with morning" shirt?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:47, Reply)

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/28/cb/89/28cb891b6db8c6ecca7a844eea3d3f55.jpg
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:50, Reply)
Pffft
You know Dani was probably on a box when they took that picture
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:53, Reply)
I've always enjoyed the way the 'Filth and Anathema are in a constant wife-swap

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:59, Reply)
you don't have to be morning to work here, but it helps!

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:49, Reply)
^ Mr. Demotivator

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:51, Reply)

c1.staticflickr.com/3/2848/10933492414_dc746d94be_b.jpg
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:16, Reply)
'Adihash: gives you morning'

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:15, Reply)
blayze it m8

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:22, Reply)
One of those little furry things with jiggly eyes and adhesive feet, and a bit of ribbon that says 'get fucked' on it.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:16, Reply)
a cheap biro that leaks in your pocket

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:38, Reply)
haha, i'd actually like one of those

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:18, Reply)
The /talk branded ones contain a webcam
so everyone can laugh as you when you fiddle with yourself
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:36, Reply)
well i was planning on sticking it to my nob

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:48, Reply)
Alright, Hardcore Henry

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:52, Reply)
alright

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:11, Reply)
no-one wants to watch wobbly closeup footage of Two Hats' bum

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:03, Reply)
I'll have you know
that after all the walking I've done, you could bounce a 10p piece of my arse
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:06, Reply)
how big a piece of your arse do we get for 10p?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:13, Reply)

l n bounce stick of my arse to pretty much any part of my sticky body
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:16, Reply)
stop flirting with me, I'm married

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:43, Reply)
that only adds to your appeal

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:47, Reply)

*starts humming Hall & Oats Family Man*
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:48, Reply)

h b
Hall & Oats
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:53, Reply)
how do you know? have you asked everyone?
have you asked anyone?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:23, Reply)
some questions don't need to be asked.
This is one of them
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:29, Reply)
Ahh *that* position.
uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/alwaysunny-slap.gif?w=650
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:47, Reply)
I ain't buying any of this shit.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:26, Reply)
^ pirates all his music, still complains about bands selling out

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:39, Reply)
this merchandise is a rip off
there's a bloke out front selling the same stuff for a fraction of the price
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:32, Reply)
Yeah but his is all made in Russia

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:39, Reply)
the logo will peel off after one wash, fake Chinesium shit

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:39, Reply)
Morning.
Got any t-shirts left from the "Möribünd Fl€bcyte" tour?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:40, Reply)
I've got this vintage "Ignored" shirt, before the 2.0 rebrand

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:42, Reply)
That sounds like some classic memrabeelyuh alright.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:45, Reply)
It's not vintage, you just ironed the transfer

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:45, Reply)
it's definitely vintage m8
it's got more than 10 users on it.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:48, Reply)
ingenius, grapti

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:45, Reply)
One of these days I'm going to get morningazized

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:48, Reply)
please don't share your sexual fantasies on the forum

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:50, Reply)
^ spills his morning on the ground

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:53, Reply)
*squarts*

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 8:54, Reply)
welcome home

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:19, Reply)
gracias

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:38, Reply)
issur danielovitch is still alive

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:04, Reply)
If you can call that living

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:06, Reply)
surviving I'd say

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:08, Reply)
alright

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:09, Reply)
I feel like I should have been given an oscar for my performance in the toilet this morning

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:10, Reply)
You helped a black man come to terms with his sexuality?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:11, Reply)
Splash 2?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:12, Reply)
A mix up at the ceremony meant that the Oscar for "Best Performance On The Great White Telephone" was given to Ryan Gosling.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:17, Reply)
if his son inherited his genes
we can look forward to a Romancing The Stone sequel in 2026
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:12, Reply)
there already was a sequel in 1985

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:57, Reply)
32 years ago, we're deffo due another one
or a reboot
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:58, Reply)
Made it into work on time, but left my coffee mug in the car.
Classic Monday!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:15, Reply)
That's not so bad; at least you can pop down and get it.
About a month ago I managed to break mine while washing it up, also on a Monday morning.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:16, Reply)
Back when I had a desk to call my own, I kept a few spare mugs and an emergency jar of instant in the bottom drawer.
Thus, this is my employers fault, and I'm not going to make up the twenty minutes that I'm wasting walking to and from the car.

But, yeah, you win in the "classic Monday!" stakes.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:21, Reply)
but who's the real mug in this story?
HINT: it's you
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:49, Reply)
I'll take a /talk
morning branded fleshjack please and a 500ml bottle of b3ta juice
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:19, Reply)
All b3ta juice is squeezed from mcbeef.
It's got something in common with Forrest Gump's box of chocolates.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:23, Reply)
Authentic

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:30, Reply)
I googled fleshjack and wish I hadn't
Now I'm imagining a car jack with a dildo attached, that you squat over and crank to force it all the way in.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:50, Reply)
I'm sure your local garage would be happy
to knock one of those up for you.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:55, Reply)
Morning grrrr,
What size do the car chat shirts come in?
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:32, Reply)
only XXXL

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:46, Reply)
they're all skinnyfit with a giant L plate on the back

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 9:48, Reply)
There are stickers that say
My other car chat is about a Porsche!
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:49, Reply)
can we have a new thread now?

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 10:52, Reply)
apparently not

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:08, Reply)
Hi, can someone tell me what shirt Gavin Rossdale was wearing on The Voice last night? My wife said it was really nice and I should get the same one. Thanks.

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:17, Reply)

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/eb/90/0d/eb900d1944825ea972cde18406f72de3.jpg
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:23, Reply)
93/94 West ham away kit

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:25, Reply)
morning
Can someone else reply to everyone I have to leave for Manchester shortly.
(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 6:19, Reply)
morning

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 7:28, Reply)
my £10 steak tasted awful, dunno what was up with it, the dog enjoyed it anyway
when were you last disappointed?
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:53, Reply)
the new nokia 3310
like a ghostbusters remake :(
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:54, Reply)
It even has a colour screen :(

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:57, Reply)
revamped snake, a camera, thinner, lighter and as you say, a colour screen ;(
BREXIT
Broken Britain
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:59, Reply)
2.5G internet, ffs

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 22:01, Reply)
yeah wtf,
my 3330e had WAP, never used it, i expect no more than that. if you want to go on the internet get a fucking computer
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 22:21, Reply)
I don't like this!
i'm off to bed to jizz over bantumi memories
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 22:02, Reply)
fuck that noise
here's a comfortably snoozy Sunday afternoon thread like that post-lunch nap you just had.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:08, Reply)
Bit early for Sunday lunch innit

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:11, Reply)
is it? I thought sunday lunch was at lunchtime.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:17, Reply)
Nah not normally

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:26, Reply)
that's why we just call it Sunday dinner

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:45, Reply)
Nan might put out some cold cuts for tea

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 15:06, Reply)
cousin's nan used to do that
always cold cuts and tea with steri milk
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 15:53, Reply)

Lucky
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:27, Reply)
I've got a turkey.
Beat that losers.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:58, Reply)
is beating the turkey anything like choking the chicken?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:00, Reply)
You're a stupid.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:45, Reply)
my life doesn't revolve around fooOOOooOOoood m8

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:47, Reply)
you started it

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:50, Reply)
Haha, he invaded Poland, like in Monty Python and the Hotel!

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:37, Reply)
lol i never thought of that

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:30, Reply)
lol

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:49, Reply)
Mine's not gonna be ready for another half hour yet.
Gonna make some potch cos the mrs loves it.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:24, Reply)
I'm trying to work out
wwhich one you're referring to
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 15:01, Reply)

The area between the base of the penis and the scrotum. Also the first area to sweat in the nether regions.
Man, I'm sweating potch out here!
#gooch #poch #sack #grundle #taint
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:14, Reply)
#taintdancing

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:16, Reply)
#grundlerhumba

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:55, Reply)
+la la la

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 17:20, Reply)
lunch ready in 20 minutes
and my sister's just come to take the kids home. peace!
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:29, Reply)
Er bit subdued. Went clubbing on Friday night
finally feel asleep 6am this morning just woke up. I think my brain has jellified.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:33, Reply)
It's no wonder you bents die young, that and hiv natch

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:36, Reply)
I prefer to think of it as rock'n'roll lifestyle as an occasional treat
because life would just be too dull living as pseudo-straights in suburbia. Everyone needs a couple of socially unaccepted interest in life.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:09, Reply)
So you judge everyone, nice perspective

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:28, Reply)
hmm. I suppose I was passing judgement,
but saying you find something boring is obviously subjective. I'm not going to hate myself for saying it.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:51, Reply)
haven't pulled a weekender since my 40th
another is long overdue
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 15:01, Reply)
We make once a month or two
we've had periods of spending every other weekend clubbing and partying a few years ago and it wasn't sustainable. Fun for w while, but had a best before date definitely.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:11, Reply)
most of my mates can't get babysitters
or their partners won't let them or some such bollocks. only bloke i know who could manage a weekender isn't really the type, he prefers a quiet drink, even if it goes on for 2 days. haven't seen him in a few weeks, he can drink me under the bloody table!
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 16:21, Reply)
I can't take my drink
I can deal with the fall out of a chemically fuelled weekend but a hangover? Just unbearable.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:55, Reply)
I might have a little sleep.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:42, Reply)
just had a pub lunch
now having a pub beer
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:44, Reply)
harcore chillin it today because tomorrow I'll be massive drinking like a black hole
Karneval! and because I only do mondays, it'll be awesome . hope I make it home.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:50, Reply)
Why the fuck do you only drink on Mondays?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:14, Reply)
HA²
nonono, I'm talking about Carnival Monday, which is basically the biggest day of the whole event and the only day in the last couple of years that I join in on the insanity.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:59, Reply)
Yesterday I slept 7am-midday then 5pm until 11am this morning. Good toimes.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 17:30, Reply)
It comes to something when a post from ends up on the populol page.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:13, Reply)
a post from what?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:25, Reply)
Ah Fuck. It was meant to says post from me.
Dark days indeed.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:28, Reply)
Easy like bumgay whore mings

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 18:59, Reply)
fanny

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:12, Reply)
squart

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 21:02, Reply)
Looking for a man
To sell him to other men
For ten times his price at least
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 19:20, Reply)
Looking for a man
Can anyone tell me the username of the B3tard who makes those amazing images with stockinged nuns, uniformed nazis, and cruciform oversize dildos? I want to post one of his images to Vkontakt, the Russian version of facebook. Cheers, Jx
Edit 1: Thanks $$ atomicnunoftheabove.blogspot.co.uk/?view=flipcard
Edit 2: That's me back to Links to confirm Talk is full of schizoid paedos.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:16, Reply)
Why would you want that sort of thing? You sick fuck.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:17, Reply)
Gaz mongy. He's the best at this.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:17, Reply)
pervert

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:19, Reply)
atomic
www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=51228
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:19, Reply)
There's a post right near the top of /board, it's almost like he can't be bothered to put any effort in.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:21, Reply)
I'm not angry
just disappointed
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:24, Reply)

"Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends"
Francis Bacon
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:25, Reply)
"I am a prick"
joetotale
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:49, Reply)
^Internet hardmanning.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 13:27, Reply)
give some of the money you get spying for the Russians to Rob, Trump has enough

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:33, Reply)
I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I
sorry, capslock :(
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:42, Reply)
So you get helped but still act the cunt , what a horrible individual, I hope you get cancer

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:43, Reply)
It might have gone better if you'd said "please", manners cost nothing.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:51, Reply)
It's Windy Pig

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 13:09, Reply)
Fuck off back to /links you flailing spastic shitcunt.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 13:25, Reply)
Alright stuj

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 13:38, Reply)
alright The LOVELY Span Eff.
Got my veg all chopped and ready to go in the steamer, beef's in the oven along with the roasties. I fucking rule at Sunday dinners.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:23, Reply)
Can you save me some?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:34, Reply)
Atomic
he's got a post on /board as I type

you fucking spastic
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:00, Reply)
So it's still likely to be on /board if he comes back and checks in a few months

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 6:21, Reply)
gordon banks full time wanks or whatever shambles is now

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 14:07, Reply)
oversize?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 15:38, Reply)
delete this plz

(, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 13:13, Reply)
morning

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:14, Reply)
Alright

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:17, Reply)
yer

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:00, Reply)
morning²

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:42, Reply)
what a square
lol
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:01, Reply)
Aye.
Going for a walk in the woods with the dogs, whilst the kids ride their mountain bikes down some gnarly trails.
You didn't ask, but this is my blog.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:44, Reply)
cool
i'm having a poo but the cat seems to want to watch. fucking weirdo
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:01, Reply)
Maybe the cat will learn to use the toilet, and you can dispense with that litter tray nonsense?

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:07, Reply)
Alright.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:44, Reply)
aye, ish
thee?
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:02, Reply)
Good.
Mcbeef and his family were lovely hosts and I feel a little rough.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:29, Reply)
morning

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 10:47, Reply)
top marks

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:02, Reply)
not at church,
still got lurgy
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:03, Reply)
i'm not at church either, astoundingly

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:06, Reply)
weird

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:07, Reply)
Morning

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:01, Reply)
cheers

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:02, Reply)
Cheers

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:09, Reply)
yeah s'pose

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:21, Reply)
lol now it's afternoon

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:46, Reply)
lol u cudnt make it up

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 13:35, Reply)
morning, manowar

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:26, Reply)
Manoliths of the World Unite

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:54, Reply)
ricola

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:47, Reply)
good as

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
dubs

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
nice one

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:47, Reply)
Car chat
Taking a car for a test drive in a bit.
(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:40, Reply)
Drive it in to a wall at 45mph, see if you survive.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:47, Reply)
best do it at 60 mph to make sure it's really safe.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:02, Reply)
That's a very hurtful question.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 11:57, Reply)
Not any more, it ain't.

(, Sun 26 Feb 2017, 12:11, Reply)

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