» Stupid Tourists

Well you know...
....as stupid as we Yanks/Merkins/whatever are, we have never been banned as a nationality from hotels in Mallorca due to our penchant for swilling truckloads of alcohol, punching anyone within range and puking said truckload all over the police wagon. Not to mention certain silly behavio(u)r at "football" matches in foreign countries...

insert your Iraq comment here: ______________

I like the British, I really do - but you'd best learn how to better handle your liquor and temper. And have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You're quickly catching up in the lard-ass red-faced competition with all that pre-processed shit from Amerika you've been eating.

Cheeri-o.
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 9:28, More)

» Worst Record Ever

I'm Her Fool by Billy Swan
Hurgk. The same bloke who gave us the wonderful ditty "I Can Help" had a grunt and shat out this terrible log cabin of sh*ite. It starts off as a sappy albeit harmless piece of jangly soundslikeeverythingelsefromthe70s pop, but inexplicably turns into a psychotic barking rant at the end, as if Mr. Swan's cranial aneurysm has just let loose. You must hear it to believe it... if you can find this slice of vinyl cheese, just play the last minute or so; it's all you'll be able to stand anyway.

PS I had to look up "aneurysm" and "vinyl".
(Thu 4th Dec 2003, 8:16, More)

» Misunderstood

Language problems
We were on a trip to Austria in the small town of Hallstatt where they have a church with the skulls of long-dead villagers piled up in a room, since the graveyard is full. I told my 8 year old daughter about this and was intrigued; she can speak German fluently (she's grown up there) and English very well but she doesn't know the English word for everything.

Cue daughter later in the day asking when we were going to see "the boneheads."

Was quite cute really.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 10:27, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

5 stories of "I knew it was over ..."
1) after overlooking the overly large, jutting eyes and bad teeth, cocaine habit, confessions of faked pregnancies just to extort money for faked abortions from ex-bfs, and generally bitchy personality, I could not get past the fact that she needed a vibrator to get off and was addicted to it...

2) when plump, beer swilling, musical soundtrack-loving wench had a hiccup attack in the pub and the hiccups came out a sort of a loud burping noise....

3) when she left me for her cousin (5th, but still) in Toronto - I knew there was something strange when I saw them together at the family reunion...

4) when I pulled up in my car full of my stuff to move in and was waiting in the house for her to come home, when she pulls up in a strange car and after watching out the window with her talking through the car window to a shadowy figure the car drives away and she comes in and I ask her "who was that" and she says it was none of my business....

5) when I decided I would be totally honest and never lie to her, and after watching her stage performance with her best friend told her that I thought it was overlong and pretentious (it was, sorry) and she just stared at me with the most hurt expression and I wanted to die right then because I really did love her more than anything, but I discovered too late that it's ALWAYS better to lie...

Am happily married now, but still making mistakes. Honey forgive me but I've had a bad track record...
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 8:32, More)