Profile for Scooter McKenzie:
Scooter McKenzie has spent far too many manhours perusing this site, mostly on a Friday afternooon when he should have been working. Now that he works for himself, he still hasn't learnt his lesson and when he should be drawing witty cartoons he can be found hunched over at his computer giggling to himself like a loon. He replies to the QOTW occasionally but hasn't yet sent any illustrations in - maybe one day.
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- a member for 6 years, 0 months and 17 days
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- has posted 16 stories and 20 replies on question of the week
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Scooter McKenzie has spent far too many manhours perusing this site, mostly on a Friday afternooon when he should have been working. Now that he works for himself, he still hasn't learnt his lesson and when he should be drawing witty cartoons he can be found hunched over at his computer giggling to himself like a loon. He replies to the QOTW occasionally but hasn't yet sent any illustrations in - maybe one day.
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Impulse buys
Dumbell (and barbell)
Many years ago I deciding I was going to get fit and, not wanting to join a gym, I charged off to Argos, paid my money and waited for my purchase to arrive from the mysterious tardis-like back room. Eventually, two blokes staggered through carrying a large box. The assistant called out "Weights set?"
"That's me" I said.
"Hmm, have you got your car parked outside?"
"No" I said. What an odd question.
She looked me up and down and asked "Do you DO weights then?"
"No" I said and began to grasp where she was coming from.
"How on earth are you going to get these home?"
People in the queue began to laugh out loud. I had made a huge error. With help, I got one end of the box into the rucksack that I'd brought along for the task and trying hard to save a shred of dignity, lifted the entire thing a couple of inches off the ground, across the shop and into the street. I then left it in the middle of the pavement in the busy high street as I trudged off to find a phone box. My rationale being that if anyone was big enough to steal it, puny me would be unable to stop them anyway. After calling a cab I walked back to find it, unsurprisingly just where I'd left it.
Within a few months I'd joined a gym.
(Wed 27th May 2009, 14:22, More)
Dumbell (and barbell)
Many years ago I deciding I was going to get fit and, not wanting to join a gym, I charged off to Argos, paid my money and waited for my purchase to arrive from the mysterious tardis-like back room. Eventually, two blokes staggered through carrying a large box. The assistant called out "Weights set?"
"That's me" I said.
"Hmm, have you got your car parked outside?"
"No" I said. What an odd question.
She looked me up and down and asked "Do you DO weights then?"
"No" I said and began to grasp where she was coming from.
"How on earth are you going to get these home?"
People in the queue began to laugh out loud. I had made a huge error. With help, I got one end of the box into the rucksack that I'd brought along for the task and trying hard to save a shred of dignity, lifted the entire thing a couple of inches off the ground, across the shop and into the street. I then left it in the middle of the pavement in the busy high street as I trudged off to find a phone box. My rationale being that if anyone was big enough to steal it, puny me would be unable to stop them anyway. After calling a cab I walked back to find it, unsurprisingly just where I'd left it.
Within a few months I'd joined a gym.
(Wed 27th May 2009, 14:22, More)
» Heckles
Taxi!
Was in a small marquee at the much missed Phoenix Festival a few years ago, watching with delight as These Animal Men (a Buzzcocks/Clash wanabee tribute act) struggled with their failing equipment. The guitarist threw a bit of a strop as the amps packed in and in the ensuing silence, a voice from the back was clearly heard to say 'Taxi for These Animal Men?' How we laughed. Fair play to the band as that's what they called their next e.p.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 13:53, More)
Taxi!
Was in a small marquee at the much missed Phoenix Festival a few years ago, watching with delight as These Animal Men (a Buzzcocks/Clash wanabee tribute act) struggled with their failing equipment. The guitarist threw a bit of a strop as the amps packed in and in the ensuing silence, a voice from the back was clearly heard to say 'Taxi for These Animal Men?' How we laughed. Fair play to the band as that's what they called their next e.p.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 13:53, More)
» Celebrities part II
Do you wanna take my picture?
Queued up for half an hour outside the comedy tent at the much missed Phoenix Festival one year. As I got closer and was handed a publicity photo to be signed, I finally came face to face with a seated Eddie Izzard. I'd already told myself "keep it simple, just say hi and thanks, nothing stupid" but there I was, nervously fiddling with the camera hung around my neck when Eddie says "do you want to take my picture?"
"Yes" I replied, and did so. Then I said "Do you want to take mine?" He gave me that sideways glance, the type he does when he's doing his James Mason impression and said "Okay....?"
So that's how I slightly weirded out Eddie Izzard and why a blurry pic of me taken at an odd angle is one of my favourite possessions.
(Tue 13th Oct 2009, 13:17, More)
Do you wanna take my picture?
Queued up for half an hour outside the comedy tent at the much missed Phoenix Festival one year. As I got closer and was handed a publicity photo to be signed, I finally came face to face with a seated Eddie Izzard. I'd already told myself "keep it simple, just say hi and thanks, nothing stupid" but there I was, nervously fiddling with the camera hung around my neck when Eddie says "do you want to take my picture?"
"Yes" I replied, and did so. Then I said "Do you want to take mine?" He gave me that sideways glance, the type he does when he's doing his James Mason impression and said "Okay....?"
So that's how I slightly weirded out Eddie Izzard and why a blurry pic of me taken at an odd angle is one of my favourite possessions.
(Tue 13th Oct 2009, 13:17, More)
» Shit Stories: Part Number Two
The Jesus.
I once worked in the studio of a marketing agency. Next to me sat an annoying young arsehole who thought he knew everything. This was bad enough without his brother joining the company a few months later. Compared to this new guy, the original brother was an angel. Brother 2 had cribbed the answers to the interview test to get the job (guess who from), played his House music over the studio stereo instead of wearing headphones and was a monosyllabic f***wit. However his one impressive achievement was laying the most enormous brown trout in the bogs which is still talked about to this day, 8 years later. Not only was it the width of a beer can, it appeared to have hairs coming out of it. We all went in and looked at it and each person visiting the loo tried to flush it away without success for 48 hours. Finally it went down, only to appear again a whole day later. It was truly the Jesus of bum-otters.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 23:10, More)
The Jesus.
I once worked in the studio of a marketing agency. Next to me sat an annoying young arsehole who thought he knew everything. This was bad enough without his brother joining the company a few months later. Compared to this new guy, the original brother was an angel. Brother 2 had cribbed the answers to the interview test to get the job (guess who from), played his House music over the studio stereo instead of wearing headphones and was a monosyllabic f***wit. However his one impressive achievement was laying the most enormous brown trout in the bogs which is still talked about to this day, 8 years later. Not only was it the width of a beer can, it appeared to have hairs coming out of it. We all went in and looked at it and each person visiting the loo tried to flush it away without success for 48 hours. Finally it went down, only to appear again a whole day later. It was truly the Jesus of bum-otters.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 23:10, More)
» Festivals
The River of Actual Human Urine
Myself and two mates lost our Glastonbury cherry back when Tom Jones played in the early nineties. That year it was a scorcher, the heat turning tents into saunas and causing impressive dust-devils to whirl around the site like tornadoes. To reach the action from the campsite, we had to cross over a dry ditch via a small bridge populated by dodgy dealers. Needless to say, this could take a little time so most people opted to jump the ditch. After three days, this dry furrow filled up almost to the brim, around 3 feet deep. There had been no rain and the liquid had an unusual colour and pungent odour; it could only be one thing.
Even on Sunday we kept on leaping over it to get back to our tent, the consequences of falling in blocked from our minds by twelve hours' intake of cold lager. Late on Sunday night, as we made our way gingerly by torchlight, I'll never forget the sounds of the couple next to me traversing the deadly torrent of effluent.
"You WILL catch me, won't you Martin?"
"Course darlin', just jump."
"You SURE, Martin?"
"Come on love, I haven't got all night."
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Jesus."
Splosh.
"Oh God."
(Tue 9th Jun 2009, 10:55, More)
The River of Actual Human Urine
Myself and two mates lost our Glastonbury cherry back when Tom Jones played in the early nineties. That year it was a scorcher, the heat turning tents into saunas and causing impressive dust-devils to whirl around the site like tornadoes. To reach the action from the campsite, we had to cross over a dry ditch via a small bridge populated by dodgy dealers. Needless to say, this could take a little time so most people opted to jump the ditch. After three days, this dry furrow filled up almost to the brim, around 3 feet deep. There had been no rain and the liquid had an unusual colour and pungent odour; it could only be one thing.
Even on Sunday we kept on leaping over it to get back to our tent, the consequences of falling in blocked from our minds by twelve hours' intake of cold lager. Late on Sunday night, as we made our way gingerly by torchlight, I'll never forget the sounds of the couple next to me traversing the deadly torrent of effluent.
"You WILL catch me, won't you Martin?"
"Course darlin', just jump."
"You SURE, Martin?"
"Come on love, I haven't got all night."
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Jesus."
Splosh.
"Oh God."
(Tue 9th Jun 2009, 10:55, More)