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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere.
A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was apparently rather good, but the constant stream of interruption was obviously riling the comic. Eventually he stops in the middle of a joke and makes a big announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the average penis is 6 inches long. The average vagina can take up to 7.5 inches. So, for every woman in the world, there is 1.5 extra inches of capacity. Now, let's say that half of the world's population is women. Combined, that means that there is spare cunt of over one and a half million miles."

Pointing to the heckler, he finishes "and there's 5 foot 2 of it sitting over there".

There is a modest laugh, and then the heckler comes back with his riposte -"I'm 5 foot 8 actually".

To which the comic delivers the coup de grace - "Well, you're an even bigger cunt than I thought then".
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:27, Reply)
Pirates Vs The Force
Genius this one. We were sat in the cinema waiting for Revenge of the Sith to start up - the place was packed.

The standard warning boomed out of the speakers

"Piracy is a crime"

And a lone pirate voice cried out

"Aaarrrrrrgh"

The whole cinema erupts into laughter.
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:31, Reply)
Jo Brand
Punter: You're shit!
Jo Brand: Oh we have a comedian in the house.
Punter: We fucking wish.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:57, Reply)
at Glastonbury
Oasis comes on and bloke next to me shouts at the top of his voice 'Do park life!'
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:31, Reply)
best heckle ever?
The legendary Tunnel club in Deptford, run by the sorely missed Malcolm Hardee.
This was about 20 years ago now. One of the acts was a mime artist- Les Bubb.
He was about 5 minutes into his act when a shout came from the back
"for fuck's sake tell a joke, I'm blind"
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:45, Reply)
JFK
In GCSE history for some reason we had to watch Kennedy getting shot. I never understood why, since we were learning about Russia at the time. Maybe the teacher had the decorators in or summat and just wanted to see a man die. Anyway, just as his cranium explodes in a shower of brain, blood and bone, Chris shouts in his best Southpark voice "Oh my god! They killed Kennedy" immediatly followed by the entire class shouting "You Bastards!" We never got to watch videos after that.
(, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 20:17, Reply)
Cinema heckles
the usual anti-copyright theft downloading things,

A specific "you wouldn't steal a car" advert comes on, to be greeted with

"I would if i could fucking download one"


This is why i lurk y'see...
(, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:27, Reply)
There used to be a comedy club
called Screaming Blue Murder in a smallish pub in Wimbledon.

One night the comedian wasn't doing too well and got a random heckle (I don't remember what). He replied with something like, "And I suppose you think you are funny?" To which the entire audience pissed themselves laughing because they knew who was heckling him. The crap stand-up's face was a picture when he also squinted out into the audience and saw who it was.

It was Jack Dee.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:41, Reply)
More a loud bang than a heckle
A mate of mine worked for a company who specialised in stage rigging, one of his main jobs was looking after the aerial safety on the Gladiators TV show. In between series of the programme he was sent to work at a holiday camp for Keith Harris (and Orville.)

Harris’ act was supposed to start with him on stage talking to an unseen Orville. The green duck would be whinging about not being able to fly and would launch into the madly annoying ‘I wish I could fly’ song which plagued the charts in the 80’s. At the climax Orville would be released from the back of the auditorium on a wire and would ‘fly’ over the kids heads to join Harris on stage.

The job was easy money but Harris turned out to be a complete and utter twat who pissed of everyone who had to work with him. My mate decided to take revenge and one night packed Orville full of stage explosives and a detonator. Half way down the wire cue a loud bang, a shower of green feathers, a room full of traumatised kids and an apoplectic Keith Harris.

My mate got fired on the spot, it was well worth it.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:10, Reply)
I konw it's nothing to do with celebraties, but Insulting celebraties rocks!
That Jeaneane from Eastenders, ages ago when her charcter was selling her body. I bumped into her a gig I did, my mate, being a show off says.

'Alright love, how much for a blowjob'
Her comeback was
'So you're too stupid to realise that my chacater on TV isn't real?'
not to be undone he says.
'You're on TV? I thought you just looked like a whore!'
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:24, Reply)
the worst public flogging in history
I went to a comedy club to meet my girlfriends parents. It was after a watching England loose to the welsh in the rugby, so I was quite pissed, late and in a bit of a lary mood. Anyway, tried to turn on the charm to the lady friends ‘rents, but think I came of looking like a bit of a prick. When the show started i realised that we were sitting right at the front, and I was wearing a pick t-shirt – the reasoning behind this decision escapes me. The comedian soon spots me slouching furtively in the front, looking sheepish in pink, and figures hes got a nice easy target on his hands. How right he was. He starts with the whole “oh nice pink t-shit honey, where you from?” To which I replied, honestly, “Brighton”. Suitably tee-d up, he starts with the whole “ooh ducky” routine, and feeling a full of false confidence and trying to impress my future in-laws, I say “Oh I’m from brighton, so I must be GAY? Is that it? That’s original mate, hilARIOUS.” Bad mistake. He then asks me who I’m here with. I reply “I’m with my girlfriend, actually” Worse mistake. He looks at the bemused, mid 40’s well dressed couple sitting with us, and says..”Oh sweet jesus, your not out with your girlfriends parents are you mate?”. I didn’t reply but the way my face collapsed and my girlfriends eyeballs burst gave the game away, and then my girlfriends dad, gawd bless him, says “yes, he is actually”. The fucker smiles like a rapist walking into a dorm full of sleeping convent girls, looks at me and says..
”so how many times you met the folks then chief?”
I had to be honest and say ”First time tonight…”pleadingly.
Comedian - “how long you been seeing this girl?”
Me - “About a year and a half”
Comedian - “and this is the first time you’ve met them? You did well avoiding them so long…why is that? Something to hide? Bit a wanker are you mate? (to the old man) “What do you reckon sir…is he a bit a wanker?”
Old man – “he seems ok”
Comedian – “so you don’t mind the fact that he’s going to take your daughter home tonight and fuck her from behind all night long then?”

Cue audience uproar and my anal prolapse. Spent the rest of the night varying between apologising, blushing, being consolidated by members of the audience and having a stream of comedians come up and say – “so you’re the wanker who’s fucking that blokes daughter..” hell. Just…hell. Never wear pink to a comedy night.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:09, Reply)
Once in a place in South London
This guy, Stephen somebody, was not having a great time, due, in part, to some pretty inspired heckling. At one point he waited for silence, and said something like "You know, I came here to perform and I'm trying hard, so the least you could do is be polite". And in the ensuing silence, a guy in the crowd stood up and replied, "Stephen, we'd be ever so grateful if you would please leave the stage."
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:33, Reply)
Amused Moose, Soho, London. June 2004.
The comedian & Jerry Springer The Opera creator Stewart Lee is performing a warm-up show for that year's Edinburgh set (since released on DVD as "StandUp Comedian").

He's doing a bit about the state of music today, and criticises The Darkness. Justifiably.
Infact, he rips into them. The audience are on his side. Everyone hates "The Darkness", it seems, and - buoyed along by this - he gets more & more scathing until a voice at the back of the room pipes up:

"Yeah, but surely you believe in a thing called love?"

The room laughs. Lee laughs. Taken off guard, but genuinely amused by this heckle.

"Yeah. I do believe in a thing called love. But, my definition of love is more metaphysical. A bond between people, a spiritual thing. It exists, I believe in it, but I don't associate it with a screaming man in a stripy lycra catsuit running around and singing badly." (I'm paraphrasing, of course..)
"But - that is the best heckle I've ever had."

He carries on.
20 minutes later, he's doing a bit about returning to stand up from the wilderness of musical theatre, a field he never thought he'd find himself in - as he hates it.
He cites such examples as "We Will Rock You" amongst his hatred of the genre.
He divulges, he moves on to attack 70s rockers Queen & their flamboyant, camp music - referring back to the Darkness ragging from earlier.

The same voice at the back pipes up: "Yeah, but surely you believe in a crazy little thing called love?"

Everyone laughs.
Lee responds, trying to stifle his own laughter:
"Yeah. I do believe in a crazy little thing called love. But, my definition of love is more metaphysical. A bond between people, a spiritual thing. It exists, I believe in it, but I don't associate it with a moustached, buck-toothed man in a stripy lycra catsuit running around and singing badly."

"You see, if you use the same heckle - you get the same response...."

Genius.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:43, Reply)
Sorry another one so soon..
Back at Reading 2000, Daphne and Celeste announced that they were going to play on the main stage. The organisers knew nothing of this, but as a laugh, gave them a 30 minute slot between Blink 182 and somebody else.

More people came to see Daphne and Celeste than Blink 182 (who weren't great), to do one thing - throw stuff at them. They were on stage for approximately 3 minutes, where they were subjected to heckling and bottles of piss being thrown at them. They ran off crying, soaked head to foot in other peoples urine.

Later on at the signings tent, a crowd (including myself) had gathered to see if Daphne and Celeste would dare to come out into the open again. When the security guards noticed a distinct lack of teeny-boppers and instead a large number of sweaty, black t-shirt clad bottle weilding rockers, they announced that they wouldn't be coming out to sign anything. Many disheartened souls started to walk off, but for some unknown reason in my drunken haze I started to chant 'DAPHNE AND CELESTE!' over and over again, until everyone in the crowd joined in. 5 minutes later Daphne and Celeste stroll out to the signing desk all cleaned up wearing lip gloss, only to be faced moments late by a hail of piss filled bottles and mud.

Oh the beauty of that moment will remain with me always.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:54, Reply)
Does this count...
My good old pa used to be a headteacher, used to be rather fat and is still from Wales. A few years ago, he had reason to call a kid into his office. The kid got abusive and decided to call him, at the top of his voice, a fat Welsh puff. According to witnesses, pa hesitated before responding with:

'66% correct, more than you managed in any of your exams Andrew. Well done. You're suspended for a week.'
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:54, Reply)
Re: Daphne & Celeste at Reading
I see somebody is already on about this. Let me just give my perspective on events. I was in the audience that day, fairly appalled. They were the best thing on in a schedule of relentless nu-metal dirge and the people throwing bottles were stupid little metal kids with little or no clue that they were bottling off the only even vaguely subversive act on the bill. I was backstage just before the infamous signing session and met them as they were going into the tent - two bewildered sweet and harmless girls who had just been covered in piss and rubbish because some self-styled "alternative" kids couldn't take ten minutes of music outside their conservative little box.
Then I saw them get the same treatment again, only at close range this time.

To all the participants: you are a shower of cunts.
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:02, Reply)
Audience participation
We have a local comedy store at the nearby theatre every month. This guy went without fail every month and for some unknown reason, always sat in the front middle seats. If you sit there, your bound to get abused! Especially if you are built like he was - absolutly massive bulldog sort of a guy. The first time he got heckled he got asked his name (Rob) and his job (Nurse) and the comedian had a whale of a time with him.

Roll forward a month and he gets heckled again. When asked his name, a handful of people should 'Rob' and when asked what he does, same people yell 'Nurse'. Cue lots of laughter. Next month, The comedian asks him his name and literally, the whole theatre should 'ROB'! 'What do you do?' 'HE'S A NURSE'

The comedian just looked scared.

I guess you had to be there.
(, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:00, Reply)
I believe
it was Lee Mack, who asked the crowd to guess what his career had been before he started doing stand up. The usual replies of milkman, accountant etc. until a lone voice shouts out "Comedian!" Mack stops the show, looks stunned and proceeds to give the guy credit for such a good heckle, that he really had no comeback, sharp wit and so on, all the while taking his shirt off and walking towards the back of the stage. He turns round to reveal the Tshirt he was wearing underneath, bearing the slogan 'one wanker always says comedian'

I also had a bash at heckling and he compared me to a member of Hanson - I think we came out of that about even to be honest.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 17:14, Reply)
Girls Aloud
... once played at our summer ball.

It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half way through their act, a security guard came on stage and announced "If anything else is thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop playing."

So, he was hit in the face with a shoe.

At least they lived up to their promise though.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 19:06, Reply)
Heckling is abusing someone on stage, not shouting at a movie screen, you muppets
was a a comedy show in Auckland, the comedian told a funny story about a dwarf. Suddenly a dwarf shouts up from the audience, something about it not being funny etc.

To give the comedian his due, he said didn't see him down there, to much amusement (to me anyway).

The dwarf replied that it was his birthday and he had spoilt it.

The comedian feeling a little guilty now then proceeds to get everyone in the audience to sing happy birthday to him.

the only thing is, noone knew his name, and the place erupted, when everyone sutterd then completed the line, happy birthday, dear....dwartf!...

hahaha, had to be there etc.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 4:22, Reply)
I went to see Evanescence once,
and the rather beautiful Ami Lee was wearing a rather stunning white corsetted dress, much to the approval of the male proportion of the crowd.
In between two songs a drunk near the back shouts "TAKE IT OFF!", to which she laughs and replies "this dress doesn't come off".
There was a moments pause, before "TRY HARDER!".

Fond memories.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:00, Reply)
The missus wasn't impressed but I found it funny
when I took her to see Return of the King, it got towards the end of the movie and the scene with Frodo and Sam on the rock thinking they were going to die there and the emotional speech by Sam there came the very clear voice of a child saying "JUST FUCK HIM AND GET OVER WITH!" I was in hysterics and she tutted.
(, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:16, Reply)
Party Conference...
So there I was, delivering a vital speech on how important it is that each of our Proles be given a number and biometric I.D., and how essential it was to spread the Word among less civilised peoples, when some old git stood up at the back and shouted 'nonsense.' Luckily, he was wrestled out before he could do any serious damage.

I don't give a shit that he's been a member of the Party longer than I've been alive, I'm the boss now, so he can fuck off.
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:58, Reply)
Heckles
My first experience with real live Englishmen. I have, of course (as a Canadian), always looked up to you guys, and this sort of raised you up a couple notches.

It is a dark and stormy night. I am eight, perhaps nine. We are on a hovercraft, going from Oostende, Holland to Dover, England (I think). And in the front seats, a remarkable and beautiful thing is taking place in front of my pre-pubescent admiring eyes.

The craft (cushion of air my ass) has been rocking throughout the entirety of the trip, and two sloshed Angles are taking it upon themselves to heckle the captain. At first, they meandered along the usual lines of bloody boat, damn we're rolling like a, a roll, haha, bloody stupid Dutchmen, ha ha. And then about halfway through, they unify in a chant that continues the rest of the journey, and which has stayed with me forever. As follows:

You're not very GOOD! You're not very GOOD! You're not very, you're not very, you're not very GOOD!

Don't know if it's a traditional English hovercraft shanty or what, but it seemed to be a rally for them. And the way they sang it was quite strange.

Every so often, the captain would descend from the cockpit, stalk from one side of the craft to the other, looking put-upon and stoic, and as he neared the Englishmen, he would glare at them, and a beautiful Doppler effect would take place as they became aware he was somewhat pissed-off, and would quiet down, you're not very good.. you're not very good..

and as he walked off to climb back up to steer, or whatever, they would pick up momentum and by the time he came back around to glare, they would be chanting uproariously away, waving pudgy arms in the air and revelling in their power, and the whole thing started again. Never forget it.

Edit: Ahem.. *pop*
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 7:05, Reply)
welcome to oxford, ignorant americans!
a few years back a band called swearing at motorcyclists came to play the cellar in oxford. at the end of the set (gone midnight because they'd gone down really well) the scraggily haired singer came to the microphone and said:
"thank you, oxford!!! you've been great tonight!!! you've been great! we played brighton last night and there were, like, twice as many people and they made, like, half as much noise... that means you guys are, like, twice as good!!!"
my natural (eversoslightly drunk) response to this was shouting:
"that's four times as good!!!"
i can't believe i corrected someone from a rock band on his mathematics... shame on me...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:37, Reply)
not sure it counts
but...

group of us watching the trailers at the start in the cinema when one comes on for "phenomenon". at the end of the trailer the usual deep husky voice says "PHENOMENON" and before i can stop myself i sing

Ba ba-ba ba ba

just like the muppets :)

got a good laugh from pretty much the whole audience. i was proud :D

pure reflex reaction though, so not much wit involved
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 16:11, Reply)
Not me but
this woman i know went to see Brian Adams a while ago. He walks out on stage, plays one song and as the applause dies down the beardy Canadian say "Hi, I'm Brian." to which my friend immediately bellows (being the large lady she is) "AND SO'S MY WIFE!"

About 200 people in the immediate vicinity wet themselves. the rest of them didn't have a clue.

Apparently.
(, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:49, Reply)
Leeds Festival 2001, The Comedy Tent, Mr Drayton's World of Quiz
I heckled the guy while on stage, standing mere inches away from him. I'd managed to win my way up to the final round, the inevitable "Wheel of Fortune" round. There I was, inside a huge tent (I've no idea of numbers....a thousand people in front of me maybe?).
"Spin the wheel you spunky young lad..."
Cue strange 'who are you calling spunky, chap?" look from me
"Yes, I'm the host, I can call you whatever you want, you cunt"

At which point I grabbed the mike and proclaimed "It's the nearest you'll get to a cunt tonight, you prick."

I was, for a few seconds, the most popular man in Leeds.
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:02, Reply)
About As Funny As Death
Sort of fits. Me and a group of mates wandered into our slightly dodgy local one night and after our second beer noticed the lounge was a bit fuller than usual. A few moments later all becomes apparent as a terrible comedian starts his act. How did I know his act was terrible already you ask? Well imagine the quiet pub murmur being interrupted when a man who looks like he should be appearing on Crimewatch under the title 'Paedophile Hunt' wanders over to an impressively loud cd player and presses the play button. There then starts, no kidding, five minutes of recorded crowd chanting at a deafening level coming from the speakers, occasionally punctuated by his name. A distinct difference between the stunned silence from the people in the pub. This is a pretty good sign he's going to be terrible. The definitive proof comes in the use of the word 'nigger' in his opening line.

It's at this point we grab our stuff and walk into the other room as obviously as possible. As we leave I turn and see this little glint in his eye but think nothing of it. Until a few moments later that is. Just as we get settled in the other room we can (sadly) still hear him over the speakers next door. I hear him say "Watch this." and, lo and behold, he appears behind the bar in the room we've moved to, grinning at us (whoever invented wireless microphones is an arse). The smug get then starts into this little rant about how we've accidentally gone into the wrong room and how we're missing the hilarious entertainment. I turn round and tell him its a private party as casually I can manage, sure he's about to humiliate me. Sure enough he thumbs his nose and starts parroting me in a faux posh accent. "Oh I say, a private party, don't you know!" Needless to say I'm a smidge pissed off but then I'm suddenly struck by inspiration. I turn back to him making my bottom lip quiver and say, in a voice cracking with emotion, "Fuck off! We're having a wake you bastard!"

I can't explain how much I enjoyed seeing his jaw drop and the sound of his muttered apologies drifting from the speakers next door.
(, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:23, Reply)
My mate Stan
Imagine Gordon Ramsey Cross bred with Brian Blessed. Stan worked as a chef in Blackpool, and during the season used to only get the odd day off. When he did get a day off, his employer would pay for some entertainment for him and his wife. the quality of some of this entertainment could be a bit random. One week the tickets just happened to be for Cannon and Ball. Now Stan was not that keen, but his wife said that they really shouldn't be unapreciative, so they went. Now Stan is a very large man with a very small Bladder, and made the mistake of having a couple of pints to make the evening tolerable. When he went in he found that unfortunately they had seats on the front row. Ten minutes into the act stan needs to empty his bladder, as he walked out, the one of Cannon and Ball who thinks he's funny went BADUM BADUM BADUM as stan left to go to the toilets. and he got the same treatment as he went back. this did not impress Stan. ten minutes later he had the same problem, and got the same treatment. On his third trip to the toilet, he got the same treatment on the way out,BADUM BADUM BADUM. so on the way back when he reached the middle of the stage he suddenly turned right onto the stage, grabbed the 'comedian' by both ears, and licked him from the tip of the nose, to the top of his head. then went back and sat down, having one stunned to silence comedian, and an Audience that was pissing themselves.

He got no more grief at all that night.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 20:04, Reply)

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