» Jobsworths

I turned up to a
[nightclub / pub / casino / supermarket / train] when I was [drunk / high / unsuitably dressed / obviously underage / not in possession of a valid ticket / without ID], and the [bouncer / landlord / manager / conductor] wouldn't [let me in / let me on / serve me].

I mean, come on! How petty can you get?

Anyway, I went back the next night and did something so petty that he probably [wouldn't even notice / thinks I'm even more of a pillock than he already did], by way of exacting my revenge.
(Fri 13th May 2005, 14:35, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Glasses,
which, I notice, are turning out to be quite popular. Have to be on a woman, mind. Helps if they're wearing a pair that suit them, too, otherwise they'll just look a bit daft (adverts for Specsavers tend to be chock full of people looking daft, and not at all sexy).

Not a good thing to admit to your friends, though - quite strange to come back from the bar to find that everyone at your table is wearing their glasses and are all staring at you with expectant grins on their faces. Don't know what they thought would happen - was I expected to turn into an uncontrolable sex beast and try to hump them all, there and then?
(Fri 18th Feb 2005, 11:39, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

It looks as though shop customers are being counted as clients, so
whilst at uni, I spent quite a bit of time working at the St Albans branch of Bhs.
One particularly quiet morning (not many customers, me the only staff on menswear), I'm confronted by a rather well presented, middle-aged man, who is very keen to engage me in conversation. Not having anything better to do, I let him bend my ear.
He proceeds to expain to me that he is a good friend of Sir Terence Conran. This is wonderful, especially as, by this time, Sir Terence has nothing at all to do with Bhs or Storehouse Plc. I grin and nod and say "hmm, yes" a lot, wondering where this is going.
Eventually, I discover that the man wants to buy some underpants, but that he will not buy underpants that have been manufactured under communist regimes (or, indeed, in any other country that he has taking a dislike to). Suffice to say, after reading the packing on three-packs of briefs and grilling me on the countries of origin, he decides not to buy any. But he still wants to talk to me (I begin to suspect that he is simply lonely).
By now I have switched off, and he is jabbering on about his time in the army, serving in Africa or something - he was talking about being in a country populated by black people, I had ceased to care...
Until I hear him say "Of course, it all went wrong when we taught the natives how to read..." At this point, I decided that I was needed urgently by my manager, made an apology and fled to the stockroom.

I miss the general public...
(Fri 2nd Jan 2004, 14:11, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Anything by The Streets
Not only is Mike Skinner shite yet inexplicably popular, Iain Canfield on Xfm took the mick when I suggested that he (Skinner) was a middle-class mummy's boy.

Oh, and the Grease soundtrack, which all my friends seemed to love and so was on endless repeat in cars. Aargh. Still, Little Shop of Horrors on the other side of the tape was OK.

Also, Firestarter by The Prodigy - I hate it when a previously good - yet slightly obscure (obscure if the entire school is into Metal or Pop) - group makes a shit record and becomes popular. Actually, this last one probably doesn't qualify as worst record ever...

I could go on all day, I am a bitter man...
(Wed 3rd Dec 2003, 10:23, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

Everytime
a punter goes in dry.
(Fri 15th Apr 2005, 11:25, More)