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Onemunki says: We live in a world of genuine tragedy, starvation and terror. So, after hearing stories of cruise line passengers complaining at the air conditioning breaking down, what stories of sheer single-minded self-pity get your goat?

(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:00)
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Complaints about the NHS
I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service. I have recently left to return to being a clinician on lower pay for reasons that I trust will become clear as my rant develops and matures like a filled colostomy bag left out in the afternoon sun.

There are a few problems with the NHS. One of these is media driven perception. Hospitals are portrayed as disease-ridden hellholes scarcely better than the black hole of Calcutta (meh, to be fair, I have been to Chase Farm before) filled with nurses so busy they cannot stop to fart, let alone do any patient care, incompetent doctors and avaricious managers. All of which would be solved by putting matron back on the ward, and generally warping back to the 1950's.

One of the ones that always boils my piss is the "oh lets stop wasting money on all these managers and mint some lovely fresh nurses." Hospital management is what allows the lovely nurses to be paid on time, get uniform, not have to spend 10 hours of a 12 hour shift doing paperwork, work in a safe environment and generally do their job. There seems to be a (media-led) public perception that if someone doesn't actually lay hands on a patient to make them better, then they are about as much use as David Rathband's etch-a-sketch.

This, unfortunately, brings me to the main throbbing artery of my rant-beast.

Complaints.

One of my main managerial roles was investigating complaints and incidents received from the general public. On my original job description, this was supposed to take "around 3-5 hours per week". Most weeks I did about 20. Complaints fall into the following three areas:

Genuine complaints about clinical issues: 1-2%
Complaints made in good faith but generally due to a lack of understanding: 3-5%
Money-grabbing vexatious wankers: 90%

The first two categories were the easiest to deal with. Generally for the first category, an investigation would occur and the staff involved may have to go for some retraining. In rare cases (about 5-10% of that figure) disciplinary action or a report to the staff member's regulatory body had to be made. The complainants were normally very polite and sorry to bring problems to my attention.
The second category was usually dealt with by a letter saying something along the lines of "thank you for your concern. Having spoken to the ambulance crew, the reason you were taken to Big City General Hospital rather than Lovelytown District is that it last had an accident and emergency department around the time of Glasnost."

The final category was the epitome of soul-destroying. Any letter entitled "For the attention of the claims department" generally fell into this category. In addition any use of the phrase "I think this is disgusting" or "and I want to know what you're going to do about it" also makes sure that it falls into my bollocks-drawer (a figurative drawer - not an actual drawer filled with testicles).

BUT

Every. Single. One. of these complaints had to be investigated. Fully. Sometimes, staff had to be suspended whilst these were being carried out. I had to put their actions under intense scrutiny, trying to balance what is the gold standard of patient care together with the actual facts of the case. Usually when I sent my standard "Dear Sir, fuck off and die" letter to close the case, a week later I would get a reply saying "but I think I've been badly treated and deserve money."

People of the UK: Man the FUCK UP. You have a healthcare system that is free at the point of access, is at the forefront of clinical care in many areas, and 99.9% of the time fixes you up and gets you back to where you should be. Live with it.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:23, 57 replies)

After what can only be described as a "lovely" journey into work this morning (sarcasm implied) I have resolved myself thusly:

Tomorrow, before getting the bus, I will fill a cardboard box full of human faeces. I will also fit a 300w amplifier and speaker to the box, and play nothing but white noise at the loudest volume you can possibly manage. Then I will put the box in the biggest, most unwieldy pram I can find, and make my journey into work at 8:30am.

When people ask me to stop the box from emitting white noise I will, with righteous fury, say things like "Of course it's going to emit white noise at an ear splitting volume. It's a box with a speaker in it playing white noise!!! That's what it does!!!" and I will expect everyone to be fine with that. I will know that I am definitely in the right, because I am the owner of the box.

I will also expect everyone else on the bus to love and adore the box in the same way I do, and I won't possibly consider the idea that a box filled with human faeces emitting white noise at 300db might not necessarily be what most people want to be sat near as they make their way into work first thing in the morning. And God help you if you so much as look at the box with any other than complete adoration in your eyes.

Then later, I will push the unwieldy pram into the smallest shop I can find, and just fuck about for an hour.

Also, I will name the box "Alfie".
(, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 14:20, 65 replies)
Just turn on your TV...
1) The episode in each series of Masterchef where they wheel in the critics. I realise it's their job to, y'know, criticise food and that, but fuck my shed they react to an undercooked sprout the way most of us would react if we came home to find Nick Griffin and David Starkey bumming our pets in order of size. I remember a couple of years back, one critic moaning out of their slapped-arse face "This sauce is making me really angry". Now, I don't know what makes you really angry - Maybe poverty? Perhaps corruption? Possibly injustice? Whatever it is, you're doing it wrong. What should really get your blood boiling is a free lunch where the ketchup's the wrong colour. That fucking ketchup.
2) Every other advert these days seems to be offering us solutions for the most appalling first-world conditions under which we suffer. "Isn't it annoying when you stop noticing your air-freshener?" Sweet Jesus, sometimes it's so annoying I just want to end it all. "Well now there's a three-in-one air-freshener that changes fragrance every 45 minutes!" Brilliant! Call off the police negotiators, I'm coming down off the roof of my own accord. Now if someone could just add another blade to my razor, I'll release a hostage too.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:19, 15 replies)

Instead of self pity, how about pitiful selves? Internet trolls for example... it always brings a smile to my face to picture recidivist trolls in their twilight years reflecting on the sound time-investment they made by hanging about b3ta and similar places, day after day, week after week, year after year, pointing out the shortcomings of everyone else, perceived or otherwise. You've changed lives kids, really. Good work. First world problems of the highest order. Jog on.
(, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 8:50, 23 replies)
People in London
who bitch about the tube and other public transport there.

Do you have any idea what public transport is like for the rest of the country? It's dreadful. If you live in a town you've got half a chance of getting a bus going near your work but if you live in a village then nothing, one bus a day if you're lucky.

So London, shut up.
(, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 22:47, 14 replies)

I learned a few basic commands in filipino so I could communicate with our maid, and it turns out she’s Malaysian.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:01, 2 replies)
Not whining, but definitely a first-world interpretation
Returning to work after becoming a father for the first time, a colleague asked the usual question, "So, how do you feel now you're a parent?"

I replied that the hardest thing to get used to was the knowledge that, no matter how hard you try to protect your offspring, something bad could still happen to them. You just had to live with that fear.

She thought for a moment, then said "Yes, I suppose it's like having a white carpet, isn't it?"

Probably best if she waited a while before having her own, I reckon.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:33, 5 replies)
I'm a tube driver
And I’m furious because my bosses are refusing to give me an extra £500 just for doing my fucking job during the Olympics. I may even go on strike over this, because I’m a cunt.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 15:09, 5 replies)
Christians
Whining that they are discriminated against, poor dears, when society taps them gently on the shoulder and points out that homophobia is going the same way as slavery, witch burning, torture, racism and all the other unpleasant things christians swore blind were God's Unalterable Will For His People until deciding that maybe they weren't after all.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:39, 7 replies)
On the tube, this morning,
I was getting some serious tongue action from my girl.
Would have been great, but some weasel was doing a sudoku puzzle. Scritch, scritch, scritch went his pen on the paper - holy fuck, it was annoying!
On the plus side, my sister-in-law is joining us for a threesome, this evening, so that ought to take my mind off things.
(, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:00, 7 replies)
Little miss popular…

A few years back, where I used to work, a self obsessed harridan named Ruth had organised a party to celebrate her pending engagement to a wealthy, nice-but-dim chap. Attendance was mandatory.

The soirée was scheduled for a Saturday, On the Thursday, we received the grave news that a well-liked member of our team had suffered a miscarriage. All of us were understandably upset and sympathetic.

With one exception…

“I suppose she won’t be coming to my party then”, Ruth whined. As we stood there open mouthed she continued: “Why do these things always happen to meeee?”
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:26, 1 reply)
An opportunity for a pearoast
Last time we went to Australia for a family wedding, Grandma was determined to come as well. Trouble was Grandma was 94 years old, and hadn't got on too well with the long journey in Economy last time around.

We agreed that she could come, but only if she travelled Business class. We were kinda hoping that we'd get a free upgrade so she wouldn't be travelling alone (and, to be honest, so that we could travel business class for free), but this did not transpire, so we were stuck in the back of the plane with the rest of the uncomfortable mob while she was up in the quiet area in front of the engines slurping complimentary champagne, in her seat-pod that turns into a bed, a telly bigger than the one at home and all that sort of good stuff that makes travelling bearable.

Meanwhile, we are sweating and uncomfortable over the wings, coming up to 20 hours of travel, legs cramped to buggery, necks stiff, having had someone else's seat back in your lap all night; all the joys of Cattle Class. And who should appear for a royal visit but Grandma from business class, looking fresh as a daisy and accompanied by a nice trolley-dolly, presumably there in case the ravening masses in the cheap seats rose up.

Possibly it was lucky that she was accompanied, since after exchanging initial pleasantries I commented how lucky she was to have had a seat that reclined all the way into a bed, since it had been so uncomfortable trying to sleep sitting up.

"Oh well do you know" she says, "I don't really like it when the seat goes right back. So I sat up with my feet on my hand-luggage."

From behind me, I heard an Australian male voice. It said just one word: "Fuck." I couldn't disagree, really.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:42, Reply)
I've been holding off all day on this, but fuck it.
People who swear at their children. Why? If you want them to grow up to be model citizens, why treat them like shit from day one?
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 21:07, 10 replies)
Have we had
Women who thought their lives would be improved by getting the cheapest possible breast enhnacement and then go whingeing about how the NHS should pay for the nasty things to be taken out and replaced by real chicken fillets.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 15:55, 5 replies)
Oh ffs...
...not another crap Question of the Week question. I don't know why I bother coming to this site any more.

And my croissant is stale.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:56, 1 reply)
This may be a pea, but who cares......
I was on the last train home once and someone jumped in front of it. Deeeed, stone deeed. The ticket dude walked to the front of the train and then slowly walked the driver to the back of the train. The poor dude was proper shaken up. As the ticket dude passes this massive fat bird she tugs on his arm and asks

“Are we going to be late because my husband has made my tea?”

The guard looks at her in disbelief, the whole train just stare at her…… I piped up at this point with

“You could do with missing a few meals you selfish bitch, shut up”

She shut up.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:07, 13 replies)
This one goes both ways.
Ever get fed up with someone else's offspring making noise? Ever get fed up of people complaining about your offspring making noise?
Well how about some of you fuckers finding a middle ground?
So, if you're of the 'waaah, someone's child was present in the same square kilometer of my sainted existence, my life is ruined!', then perhaps do a little more observation and thinking. If the parent is making a clear effort to try and abate the noise, then cut them some slack, eh? You intolerent fuck.
Conversely, if your child is making a lot of noise and you're doing nothing about it, then at least make the fucking effort. The number of people I see leaving a crying baby in a pram while they witter on the phone about some inconsequential nonsense or chat with their friends makes my piss boil. Pick the fucking thing up and at least try to calm it down.

On that note, the person who wrote that ucking book where you run a baby to a strict schedule, regardless of what it actually needs at any given time, needs remodelling with a crowbar. "Oh, I can't give her a feed as my book says that she's not allowed for another twenty minutes." Don't be a fucking moron.
(, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 21:55, 15 replies)
Sympathy?
I'm probably in a small minority by thinking this, but I have zero sympathy for any* problems or annoyances incurred by motorists.

Fuel prices increasing?
"Road tax" increasing?
Insurance costs increasing?
Stuck in a traffic jam**?
Bus lanes stopping you driving on perfectly good bits of road?
Can't find a parking space directly outside your own house?
Car needs yet another service, setting you back hundreds of squids?
One-way system preventing you accessing your destination quickly enough?
Ice on your windscreen on a winter's morning?
Other, equally selfish drivers cutting you up?
Unable to take important calls on your Blackberry because some politican decided it was dangerous when it's obviously perfectly safe and they have no idea what they're talking about?
Pedestrians/cyclists/anyone else in control of a lesser powered vehicle "getting in your way" and delaying your journey***?
Flat tyre on the A36 at 9pm on a Friday?

Here's a novel idea: GET RID OF YOUR FUCKING CAR. A car is a luxury, not a necessity. Walk to work. Cycle. Take public transport. Do your bank balance and blood pressure a huge favour. And get out of *my* way by not parking on the sodding pavement. You arrogant twat.

* Obviously if someone is killed or injured while behind the wheel of a car and at the time of the accident was not behaving like a complete spacktard this rule doesn't apply.
** You're part of the problem as well. Don't take it out on other people.
*** Just run them over. They deserve it because they're not as fast as you.
(, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 1:49, 16 replies)
Breakfast
My mate went to Russia for a month to see some friends. When he got home, there was no food in his cupboards. He only had a couple of quid left and the Bureaux de Change didn't open until after the Bank Holiday, so went and bought a loaf of bread and a pint of milk, and lived on caviar on toast for two days.
(, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 20:02, Reply)
There is nothing to complain about.
The BBC is perfect and you have a home and food so you can pay for it.
If you have a home and a job then your pension being worth fuck all is not anything you are allowed to moan about.
You are rich so the fact your taxes are being used to pay for wars around the world is not your concern and you have no right to moan.
You have running water and a roof over your head so you have no right to ingest any substance your superiors decide you ought not to have.
You were born in the UK so have no right to complain that other UK citizens are taken by the US to offshore prison facilities.
Your water comes from a tap so you have no right to find it unacceptable that people are harassed for taking photographs in public places.
If you live in the first world your government is beyond reproach and you have no reason to criticise.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 23:12, 2 replies)
People who let their dogs shit in the street and don't remove it.
Not only is this antisocial, irresponsible and downright fucking disgusting it's also illegal. But, it happens all the time. It is not acceptable in any way and the tabloids are missing a trick by not mounting some campaign to demonise the revolting cunts who are responsible. It should be a mandatory night in the cells for the first offence and take the dog away and fucking shoot it if it ever happens again.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 22:50, 13 replies)
People who
"don't like the taste of water"
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 15:51, 3 replies)
I sense a disturbance in the QotW...

As if millions of voices cried out 'bollocks to this!', and then left it 'til next Thursday
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 14:17, 15 replies)
A couple of years ago I heard on Radio 4's "Today" programme
how a load of African immigrants were trying to get to Europe, and setting off in make-shift rafts etc across the Med., and landing on some small island that Italy owns which is the closest EU-owned piece of land to Africa (yes, I know Gibraltar is the closest point to Africa, but I suppose it depends where you set off from).

Anyway, these poor bastards had risked life and limb, were starving, had left their homes and all their belongings behind to try and seek a better life elsewhere. Christ knows how desperate you must have to be to think that going somewhere where you might end up in prison, you don't speak the language and you're going to end up if you're lucky right on the bottom of the food chain is better than staying put.

What boiled my piss was the reaction of some English tourists - saying how horrible it was that on holiday they and their kids would have to see these poor half-dead people landing on the beach.

Cunts.
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:41, 1 reply)
as old as the internet
Still worth a chuckle at


(, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:42, 5 replies)
it's not fair
No mis-sold pension, mortgage or loan protection. No whiplash injuries. Never been so much a touched by a priest, teacher or care worker. Never been damaged by a vaccine or been a victim of crime. Never tripped on some wood that shouldn't have been there while carrying a bucket of hot tar. No dodgy breast implants or bodged botox.

Not one fucking penny in compensation.
(, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 22:14, 4 replies)
People who ignore chips in their windscreen and then one day - crack!
Then they complain about having to pay the excess to have their windscreen replaced.
If they'd repaired the chip it's usually covered by their insurance and it can be repaired at their work.

Gavin, 23, technician for Autoglass.

Autoglass repair, autoglass replace.
(, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 7:54, 16 replies)
Some people have no sense of self-preservation whatsoever
I'm getting the tube into work this morning, it's 8:35 or thereabouts, and I'm joined in my carriage by a couple. A couple who think nothing of kissing each other in a crowded tube carriage as many times as they want. So inbetween Archway and Camden Town, the kiss each other about 200 times. It's like punctuation: one will say something, then they'll kiss. Then the other will say something, then they'll kiss. Then they'll kiss just to make sure, each one a big, noisy smacker.

Do these people not realise that a mere half-metre away, there is a man who is ready to take the pen from his Sudoku and ram it through their stupid fucking kissing faces? I mean, even if they had just got married that instant, there wouldn't be just cause for that sort of public display of affection. Even if she'd just let him sleep with her sister, I'd still think he was overdoing it.
(, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:54, 12 replies)
Health Food Stores
I went into one expecting whole grain bread, raw vegetables and unprocessed food, instead it's all pills and potions. Stupid twats can't call it what it is; Hypochondriac Supplies.
(, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 1:00, 8 replies)

˙ǝɯ oʇ uʍop-ǝpısdn ʞooן sʇsod ɹnoʎ ןןɐ os

ǝɹǝɥdsıɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ uı ǝʌıן ı
(, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 19:23, 8 replies)

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