» Heckles

My mate Stan
Imagine Gordon Ramsey Cross bred with Brian Blessed. Stan worked as a chef in Blackpool, and during the season used to only get the odd day off. When he did get a day off, his employer would pay for some entertainment for him and his wife. the quality of some of this entertainment could be a bit random. One week the tickets just happened to be for Cannon and Ball. Now Stan was not that keen, but his wife said that they really shouldn't be unapreciative, so they went. Now Stan is a very large man with a very small Bladder, and made the mistake of having a couple of pints to make the evening tolerable. When he went in he found that unfortunately they had seats on the front row. Ten minutes into the act stan needs to empty his bladder, as he walked out, the one of Cannon and Ball who thinks he's funny went BADUM BADUM BADUM as stan left to go to the toilets. and he got the same treatment as he went back. this did not impress Stan. ten minutes later he had the same problem, and got the same treatment. On his third trip to the toilet, he got the same treatment on the way out,BADUM BADUM BADUM. so on the way back when he reached the middle of the stage he suddenly turned right onto the stage, grabbed the 'comedian' by both ears, and licked him from the tip of the nose, to the top of his head. then went back and sat down, having one stunned to silence comedian, and an Audience that was pissing themselves.

He got no more grief at all that night.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 20:04, More)

» Lost...

A mate of mine
Had a pair of hampsters in a small student flat. one day he decided to clean the cage out, and whilst doing this the pair escaped.

Several of us spent an hour hunting the missing hamsters and managed to recover one. We then all went off down the pub leaving him to continue the search. After closing time we all went back to his flat to find that the lights no longer worked, so we trooped down to the cellar and replaced the fuse, then went back up to his flat. The reason the fuse had blown was that he had one of those electric fires with the plastic fake coal underneath that was lit up by lightbulbs. Deciding that the only place he hadn't looked was inside the fire, he decided to turn it on so that the hamster, if it was inside would cast a shadow against the plastic coal. What he had forgotten was that he had run out of lightbulbs a couple of weeks earlier and so had knicked one from inside the fire. By sheer chance the hamster happened to have one foot on the live terminal inside the fire.

240v and hamsters does not mix.
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 14:34, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

We had a woman
applying for a job at one of my places of employment. We had a call from the HR department to say could we let her use a computer for a while to allow her to type her CV. Six hours later we rang the HR department and said "she's still here" and they told us to print out whatever she'd written and send her on her way.

So we printed it out and sent it up to HR who rang us and said "Did you read this?" so we went and had a look. the first page started "I was concieved in a small house on the outskirts of..." The rest of the first page consisted of a thorough astrological analysis of her parents and concluded with her date and time of birth. The next five pages were a vague discussion of her childhood, and by the time she'd been shown the door she'd only managed to cover her first job sometime in the 1970's
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 10:57, More)

» Sacked

I once held a job for a grand total fo seventeen minutes.
I was once rung up in the middle of a Friday afternoon by an agency with a job to start on the following Monday. Would I go in for the end of the day got there at 13 minutes past 4 and the day ended at half past.

I was lead into a room with loads of red braced yuppie types sitting round a table talking through telephones, and felt instant dread. the job was in telesales. Two minutes after I had sat down, and been introduced to other people a manager type came in and a guy at the far end of the table stood up, shot to attention and shouted 'I've sold Two insurance policies, and a life insurance policy' then immediately sat down. the next person then did exactly the same thing. this continued all the way round the table till it got to me who just shrugged, then continued back down to the manager.

Aftter this had got to the end, and I'd managed to unwind my eyelids from my forehead, the manager shouted 'And we will now all sing the company song'

Everyone round the table got up and started singing apart from me who went from shock, to pissing myself with laughter.

I was absolutely amazed that they still said they would see me on the Monday.

when I got homeI rang the agency to say that I wouldn't be going back only to be told that I'd been fired, because they didn't think that I had the right attitude.

still as a bonus, they had to pay me for a full day, which came to about £100 for those 17 minutes.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 14:02, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Maps
at a party and there was a young american woman who I was talking to. she asked where I was from. I told her and then having said it was near Northampton and helpfully for the geographically chalenged said that it was about 70 miles from London.

'No it isn't', she said 'It's a lot further than that it's about the same distance as from new york to chicago' she then rounded this off with the fact that her knowledge trumped my 'Actually being from there' as she had a Geography degree.

she then proceeded to prove this by getting my friends atlas and showing me that the distance between New York and Chicago and my home town and London were aproximately four inches on their respective maps.

How do you get a Geography degree without knowing that you can draw maps at different scales?
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 12:28, More)