» DIY Techno-hacks

Marmalade or Butter sir?
Back in the sixties, yes I am that old. My father had a Philips 'reel to reel' tape recorder, Here's a pic I found of one
http://images.trademe.co.nz/photoserver/tq/8/99243408.jpg

As it got older and older, the valves in it started to deteriorate. It used to take 10 mins to warm up. So he took to keeping it in our central heating system to keep it warm.

The problem with this is that the rubber belt on the motor stretched due to the high temperature.

So he rubbed marmalade on the belt to make it sticky. Oh, oh, he used too much and the machine stopped dead. Unperturbed he proceeded to add butter to it until the stickiness was just right.

It worked great for about another 5 years.
(Thu 20th Aug 2009, 20:47, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Army Hospital
When I was a Squaddie I was off sick for a few weeks. We were visited by Prince Charles in hospital. The sergeant major gave us all a warning.
“If he asks what’s wrong with you be honest”, he said.
“If he asks what the cure is, be honest”, he continued.
“But if he asks what your ambition is, tell him you want to get back to active service to serve her majesty”. He insisted.

Well I was third in line so Charlie asked the first guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Piles”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

Charles then approached the guy next to me (second in line)
What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Gonorrhoea”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

It was my turn next.

What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Bleeding gums”, I replied.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” I replied.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, I said, “to get the toothbrush before those two dirty bastards!”
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 18:59, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Same Old Questions
I went to the States (Chicago) in 1999 on business. While I was chatting to an American colleague I mentioned that a common joke in the UK is the one about being asked if you know the Queen, and that although I live in a city of over 500,000 people will ask me if I know Steve or whoever.

The guy nodded knowingley and then said, "So you're from Sheffield? Do you know a guy called Paul? I don't know his second name but he has dark hair."

I just shook my head, the guy couldn't understand why I was smiling.
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 23:16, More)

» Pet Stories

Phew!!!
When we lived in Paris we had a little black girl cat. She went missing for three days and finally came back with a strip of white paint all the way down her back. She smelled like a skink had got hold of her too.
(Tue 12th Jun 2007, 6:54, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Let's split
when I was courting my wife, we were getting amourous at a friends flat. We started to mess about, being a little rough on entry I felt something give. Yep, I'd split myself. I ran to the loo for toilet paper to stem the bloodflow. There was only one roll in the shithouse and it was on top of this cystern. I pulled at it and the lot went down the bog and got soaked. I managed to stem the floe, but I was cautious about entry for quite a few years afterwards.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 23:17, More)