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- a member for 18 years, 2 months and 4 days
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» Messing with the Dark Side
When I was younger
I used to go down to the local graveyard (Harpole, Northants), and crank one off over the grave of Mrs Hilda Snowbottom, who died in 1889 of leuikemia. Not very satanic... just got a thing for black marble...
(Tue 25th Apr 2006, 12:21, More)
When I was younger
I used to go down to the local graveyard (Harpole, Northants), and crank one off over the grave of Mrs Hilda Snowbottom, who died in 1889 of leuikemia. Not very satanic... just got a thing for black marble...
(Tue 25th Apr 2006, 12:21, More)
» Airport Stories
Pills
Korhogo Airport, Ivory Coast. Sweating like a rapist waiting to get through customs cuz Africa is bleedin hot.
Officious security bod stops me and finds some suspicious looking pills on my person. He dosn't speak English, I don't speak French. Spent ten minutes miming 'they stop you getting the shits', with added grimicing, gesticulating, and straining... Damn well nearly shat my pants from all the effort.
Then security bod says - in his best barritone impersination of James Earl Jones doing the voiceover for Darth Vader, "have a nice trip to Abidjan International, the weather's lovely up there at the moment."
(Wed 8th Mar 2006, 11:36, More)
Pills
Korhogo Airport, Ivory Coast. Sweating like a rapist waiting to get through customs cuz Africa is bleedin hot.
Officious security bod stops me and finds some suspicious looking pills on my person. He dosn't speak English, I don't speak French. Spent ten minutes miming 'they stop you getting the shits', with added grimicing, gesticulating, and straining... Damn well nearly shat my pants from all the effort.
Then security bod says - in his best barritone impersination of James Earl Jones doing the voiceover for Darth Vader, "have a nice trip to Abidjan International, the weather's lovely up there at the moment."
(Wed 8th Mar 2006, 11:36, More)
» Sacked
Drivin'
When I was a student in the armpit of the world known as lancashire (rain and hills in any combination are an absolute swine), I got so desperate for beer n drugs money that I decided I'd better supplement my student grant with a - ahem - job. I got a job as a driver for a small family run DIY store. Which was great. Good rates of pay and didnt have to start work til midday, which suited my body clock fine which was, for the duration of my course, tuned into the same timezone they use in the Galapagos. Unfortunately, my plan for lots of spare income was scuppered on the third day when my boss inquired why I had spent all my time rearranging tins of paint in the store room instead of delivering bathrooms to the smelly unwashed of Bolton. I left very shortly afterwards never to return. You see the thing about a driving job, the really important, essential aspect of a career in the world of driving, is that you NEED A DRIVING LICENSE and have to have at least LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE. Neither of these things I had bothered to do (still don't drive now ten plus years later, which is great by the way and I recommend all of you drivers to forget how to drive immediately so your mates can chaufer you everywhere while you get bombed out of ya head's). Later that evening when I was in the bar I had to explain to my clan of half witted mates why I had been sacked. We thought it was a bit unfair so went and nicked all the plastic garden gnomes from round the back of the DIY place. For the next three years we lived in a very poor replica of Narnia, complete with resplendant gonomage - each with an empty beer can as a special pedastal.
(Tue 28th Feb 2006, 16:07, More)
Drivin'
When I was a student in the armpit of the world known as lancashire (rain and hills in any combination are an absolute swine), I got so desperate for beer n drugs money that I decided I'd better supplement my student grant with a - ahem - job. I got a job as a driver for a small family run DIY store. Which was great. Good rates of pay and didnt have to start work til midday, which suited my body clock fine which was, for the duration of my course, tuned into the same timezone they use in the Galapagos. Unfortunately, my plan for lots of spare income was scuppered on the third day when my boss inquired why I had spent all my time rearranging tins of paint in the store room instead of delivering bathrooms to the smelly unwashed of Bolton. I left very shortly afterwards never to return. You see the thing about a driving job, the really important, essential aspect of a career in the world of driving, is that you NEED A DRIVING LICENSE and have to have at least LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE. Neither of these things I had bothered to do (still don't drive now ten plus years later, which is great by the way and I recommend all of you drivers to forget how to drive immediately so your mates can chaufer you everywhere while you get bombed out of ya head's). Later that evening when I was in the bar I had to explain to my clan of half witted mates why I had been sacked. We thought it was a bit unfair so went and nicked all the plastic garden gnomes from round the back of the DIY place. For the next three years we lived in a very poor replica of Narnia, complete with resplendant gonomage - each with an empty beer can as a special pedastal.
(Tue 28th Feb 2006, 16:07, More)