» Well, that taught 'em

Chock Full O' Nuts
This story happened about two years ago in my senior year of high school. I wasn't at all the cool jock type, but rather the veteran of the band, choirs, and musicals (and somehow not gay, I swear). So I did get a fair amount of harassment from some of the jocks, one of which was actually in the choir. Emmett, for that was his name, was a six-and-a-half foot tall, three hundred pound mammoth of a boy who ended up going to an NCAA Division 1-A college for (American) foorball. But he was also a colossal dick. So I had always planned on getting revenge on him in some manner, but realized that it could never be a physical confrontation.

Luckily, I got my chance. Toward the end of that school year a group of us in the choir got back from an off-campus concert, some of these people decided to buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts (Emmett was one of them). Being a big dumb fuck he set his fresh cup of coffee on a ledge in the band room and left to use the restroom. Seeing my chance, I grabbed the cup and moved into a practice room. Taking off the plastic lid, I unzipped my trousers and (carefully) dipped my testicles into the beverage. By the way, it was fresh coffee, so it was hot in a way similar to stepping into a hot tub after being in the pool. I came out of the practice room, replaced the coffee, and refused to answer my friends as to what I did to the coffee.

A few minutes later Emmett comes back in, grabs his coffee, and takes a sip. My friends watch in amazement, realizing the coffee was somehow tainted, but never say a word. After Emmett leaves they again ask me what I did to the coffee. All I could say was "I hope he likes hazelnut."

Moral of the story: Don't fuck with the honor student/music geek.
(Wed 2nd May 2007, 6:52, More)