» Karma

Not entirely Karma but very close
My best mate at school was a young man who has gone on to be a successful Premier League Footballer. Currently at Manchester City but previously of the mighty Aston Villa.

Anyway shortly after he established himself as a regular first team player at Villa we went out for a few drinks in Birmingham. While stood at the bar we were approached by a local gent who proceeded to berate him for his latest performance which even my mate accepted was crap. The tone of the conversation changed somewhat when this chap started complaining that the only reason he was picked was

"'cos he was a n*****".

The chap then went on to say how brilliant his son was and how he could do everything that my mate could do but he didn't get into the Villa setup cos he wasn't a n*****.

This continued for a few minutes and my normally placid buddy was getting mighty irate, with all of this my son can do that you can't crap, and all the racist bullshit that was now being aimed at him he cracked and responded with a retort that still makes me smile.

He took his wallet out of his pocket took about a £100 quid out of it and promptly set it alight with another mates lighter.

"Bet he cant do that though can he, you redneck cunt".

Hearing my god fearing mother loving chap come out with such a response left the whole of our group somewhat shocked. Not as shocked as the redneck was though.

Racist twat.

Length ? about 6 years ago.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 19:18, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Not traumatic for me as such but I nearly gave myself a hernia laughing.
Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you're stuck with First (the worst) Buses.

Being fortunate enough to live slap bang in the middle of the City Centre I am able to catch trams to just about anywhere that I may need to be.

Right so having begun the trip out towards the cinema just outside the City Centre I am happily sat upon the tram as we pass through the outskirts of Sheffield. As the Tram arrives at the Attercliffe stop for whatever reason the driver has pushed the wrong button in the cab and both sets of doors have opened. Nothing overly fascinating in that. My attention is drawn away from the extra set of open doors to an elderly lady in her mobility scooter. The tram platform and the entrance to the tram are about level, occasionally there is a lip of a couple of inches.

As the lady is trying to get the scooter on to the tram she is hitting the lip. The conductor makes his way down and utters the immortal line.

"Jus' rev it me duck, you'll be reet"

She follows these instructions with aplomb. Backing the scooter up about ten feet. She hits the accelerate and becomes a blur. She hits the little lip buggy bounces up into the tram. Sadly she didn't apply the brakes as quickly and promptly shot out the (mistakenly) open doors opposite landing on the opposite side of the track and crashing into the platform.

To this day it is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

The conductors reaction was just as funny. After looking through the doors to make she was ok, which she was, he simply called after nher

"Look here Penelope Pitstop, this is a tram stop not the start line in Wacky Races"

I have never had the misfortune to simultaneously wet myself and soil myself but i was pretty fucking close that day.






Length she went a good six feet past the tram before she landed.
(Fri 30th May 2008, 20:42, More)

» Nightclubs

Chubby Chasing Doormen
While working at the Australian theme bar on broad Street I had the pleasure to work with K. A nice enough chap who was always game for a laugh but was as thick as a whale omelette and like women who weighed about twice as much as Lisa Riley.

On one particular night at closing time he forgoes the usual staff pint and buggers off, we assume he has headed home early as he has work early the next morning.

My colleagues and I leave the pub about an hour later having unwound from a night of student excess and dodging hen parties. As we get to the car park we bump into K.

"Guys gimme a hand with the car will you" he asks.

"Yeah sure says us" thinking he needed a jump start. How wrong we were.

As previously mentioned K liked the larger lasses and this week unbeknownst to us he had excelled himself. We got to the car to be greeted by quite a shocking sight.

K had pulled a rather large lady and she had met him by his car so they could engage in a little push and pull. However she was so large she had become stuck between the front two seats so we al had to grab a limb and pull till she popped free.

The exact sight of this has been burned to my memory. Seeing a 25st woman with a fanny like a hippos yawn stuck between the front seats of a Datsun Cherry will stay with me forever.

So will the look on the fireman's face when we couldn't free her and they had to remove one of the front seats.
(Tue 14th Apr 2009, 15:54, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Binge drinking is bad.
As a former nightclub doorman i have ssen many things that could make you blush and quite a few that could mmake you hurl. This story is one of the latter and I apologise in advance

Come closing time at a very famous Australian chain bar in Birmingham, I was clearing the toilets af the straggling customers. In the ladies after everyone departed I realised that one of the cubicles was locked. So I perched myself on the adjoining toilet to enable me to see over the partition. Upon looking into the cubicel I find the following. A young lady in her early twenties asleep on the loo. Knickers round her ankles, she has also been sick, however the vomit is nicly perched in her underwear. My colleague and i decided to wake her up without knocking the door down so as to avoid startling her. So we went and got a pint of water which was mpassed to me to tip over the cubicle wall. So I clamber back onto the toilet and proceed to tip the water over the poor girl. At which point she comes too.

"Sorry hun were closed" says I

"Ok no probs" says lady.

Then the unthinkable without checking she yanks the vomit filled undies up takes two steps out of the cubicle, realises what is going on bursts into tears and runs out the front door. My colleague and I are laughing so hard that I fall off the toilet that im standing on into him breaking his wrist.

hehehehehehehe

She came back the next week.
(Tue 25th Jul 2006, 14:35, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

My Mum
Before I start I want to have committed to cyberspace just how much I love my Mum.

There I've said it.

Now onto the story on hand.

As I said I love my mum very much, it's just I don't particularly like the woman. I think that makes sense in a roundabout way.

Sadly my Mum is now confined to a wheelchair due to MS. This has left her quite crabby and with a hatred of the world roughly the size of the Titanic.

She is a bloody minded stick in the mud who will expect everything done for her even if she is perfectly capable of doing it herself. While shopping in Tesco one misery sodden Tuesday afternoon, Ironside is chucking one of her monumental I'm disabled dontchanow strops I lose my temper.


So I let the tyres down on her wheelchair while she was sat in it and promptly stormed out of the shop to go and sit in the car. This is only partially why I'm going to Hell.

I went back into the store after calming down to be greeted by the sight of an overweight security guard using a foot pump to re inflate the rear tyres on Ironside's wheelchair.

Did I help him? I would have done but the sight of a security guard sweating while giving my mum a good pumping up was to much to bear and I burst out laughing.

This caused several people in the shop to ask why I thought it was acceptable to mock the disabled.


Hell here I come.


We laugh about it now. She got her own back but that's a story for a later QOTW.


Happy Christmas

Hohoho
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 13:24, More)