Julian Assange
Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute.

Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed is probably going to win. Or Jeremy the Horse.

For the why?

* For reminding us of that exciting moment in the 90s when geeks got together and muttered, "OMG. The internet will change everything."

* For living out a story better than any fiction that I've read out in yonks.

* For giving us crazy shit to read. I recommend to anyone who's run a website to read the mailing list stuff that an ex wikileak person leaked from when they were setting up the site in 2006/7. These people are geeks arguing about logos. This is what my life is like - except mine doesn't involve mind boggling plans to change governments using a truth bomb.

* For getting himself arrested on (possibly) rape charges for what amounts to shagging the fans. Long term b3tans will remember the lesson of John [*1]. Never, ever, shag the fans.

* For creating the real world theater that shows us how the world works. Hippies go, "it's a fascist dictatorship man" but when you've got the US Airforce closing down access to the Guardian newspaper - this is literally the actions of fascism. The world has been given a mirror and it's ugly.

* For making me believe that the Guardian newspaper is something worth fighting for. Balls of steel. They should have a tip jar where we could give them money or something coz it's not like I want to buy the actual paper as it's all papery, and paywalls just remove you from public debate, so yeah, a big "IF YOU LOVE US, SUPPORT US" button.

* For being a twat who turns up in comedy rap videos. Osama never did this.

[*1 Name changed to protect the innocent etc]
( rob, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 10:55, 56 replies)

I don't know his name and at any other time he'd be a bastard
Picture the scene;

I'm happily wandering round East London. I've only lived here a few weeks so am just getting to know my way around so apologies if my geography is a little off.

Anyway while crossing the road by the entrance to Aldgate East Tube Station my attention is caught by the sound of screeching brakes and swearing. I take a quick look where this disagreement is taking place and see the following.

There is a cyclist shouting at the driver of a brand new Range Rover saying he should have looked where he was going and to be more careful as he nearly kncoked him off his bike and could have hurt him.

The drivers response was, shall we say, less than favourable. He stops the car directly in fron front of the cyclist. He then dives out of his car and begins hurling obscenities at the cyclist and seems to be having a particular problem with the colour of the cyclists skin.

Now we have all lost our temper when driving and no doubt we have all thrown a swearword, if only under our breath, at other road users. All well and good. I however have a massive problem with racists. If you don't like someone fine. Just come up with a decent reason.

Anyway, this bigoted member of the Hitler youth has failed to notice the smartly dressed man who has diverted himself from the crossing and has now got into the (open) drivers side of the Range Rover and promptly driven off in it.

Man turns round to see car gone and seems somewhat bemused for a split second. As he turns round in a state of shock the lights turn green and the cyclist pedals past flicking him the bird.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pass out.

Now while stealing cars is wrong. If the bloke hadn't been such an arse I would've felt a little bit sorry for him.


Happy Christmas.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 21:04, 31 replies)

Jessie
Massively loved b3tan and Derby Bash supremo tragically taken from us in May of this year, and Prof Kenny Martin who faces the daily bummer of life without her. Mrs. Trellis for sorting out the whipround that realised over 2 grand in her memory. And Jahled for christening a baby snow leopard after her.

Also - cr3. 'Cos let's face it this entire Forum would fall apart at the seams without him giving up his time to keep it going...
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 11:47, 15 replies)

Terry Pratchett
Why? Well, yes he is a great, and prolific, writer of books. Yes, he has created a world that is intricate in its design, majestic in its scale and yet engaging in its style. Yes, he has introduced a whole gamut of readers, old and young alike, to rattling good yarns.

But this is not why I am nominating him.

Terry Pratchett, as many of you know, was diagnosed with a relatively rare form of Alzheimers Disease, particularly tragic as he himself, a sharp, acerbic intellect, knows PRECISELY what is happening to him.

Pratchett has campaigned tirelessly for Alzheimers Research. Whilst I appreciate that this is like David Carradine appealing for panic buttons in hotel wardrobes, he has donated a sizeable amount of his money both now and on his death to Alzheimers Research.

But I admire him for the dignity with which he approaches the future. Yes, he has every right to rage and cry against what is happening to him, but he has encouraged debate on the subject of the right of the individual to both live, and die, with dignity and in the manner of their choice.

"When the time comes I'll sit on my lawn, brandy in hand and Thomas Tallis on my iPod. And then I'll shake hands with Death"
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 16 Dec 2010, 18:58, 25 replies)

Late Entry.
I nominate cr3 for making this, it's entertained me more than most things this year


( Zuowan, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:10, 102 replies)

And my nomination for B3ta Person of the year 2010 goes to…

*Opens Envelope*

*Dramatic Pause – maybe left a bit ‘tooo’ long in a sort of annoying, ‘Chris Tarrant’ kind of way*
…

It goes to you.

That’s right, you. Go and look in a mirror, or see if you can catch your reflection in that knife you’re holding. Yep, that’s the fucker I’m talking about.

Why? Because you made it, kiddo. Now, I don’t want to count any chickens or anything, as the year isn’t quite finished yet, but all being well and good you will cross the finish line of 2010.

That is no mean feat. Some others haven’t been so lucky. Please spare them a thought.

But you made it - despite being battered by recessions, repossessions, depressions and Beer sessions. You’re still here – and you’ve still found the time to visit B3ta. I salute you.

You raised your head out of the sloppy sea of unadulterated ubershite that passes for mainstream entertainment nowadays, and you stayed sane; choosing not to gouge your own eyes out with a spoon, and becoming better for it. Perhaps this place helped a little bit? – one of the few remaining bastions of free speech that remains? It gives you a simple opportunity to vent some of life’s crappier dealings by spaffing your unique offerings over these pages. This is something which you do selflessly, free of charge, purely for the interest of others. That is some achievement. So kudos.

2010 hasn’t been easy – no doubt sometimes fate has given you a proper kick in the love spuds (or lady equivalent), but you persevered and overall you didn’t let it get to you. That ability is often taken for granted nowadays, but the way the world can be sometimes, you deserve a medal simply for not going batshit postal. Well done.

So here’s to the small victories, the little wins, the things that might not mean fuck-diddly-all to most folk but managed to make at least one of your days just that little bit better. Fuck me, they mean the world when they happen, so enjoy them – you deserve them.

To every gentle B3tard, from the vitriolic trolls to the long-time lurkers, from the quick quippers to the ‘encyclopedia B3tannica’ posters, and from the legendary lethario, MASSIVE DRUG taking, Honda Accord drivers of Justice to the lonely, lie-filled losers…Thank you, and please don’t change, this place wouldn’t be the same without you.

Please don’t get the wrong idea - I’m not suggesting Détente here, in a sort of ‘football-in-no-man’s-land’ kind of way. Nah, that’d be as dull as Hippo poo. But how about giving someone a click for Christmas just for the hell of it? It don’t cost nuthin’ and it might make someone’s day.

And remember, learning to click yourself can be the greatest love of all.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 20 Dec 2010, 10:30, 19 replies)

I'd like to resubmit my b3tard of the year.
I'd like Jahled to have the acolade as he was responsible for naming Nina, the snow leopard.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 16:37, 21 replies)

IT WAS 1996
I had taken a job for the summer holidays at a campsite, generally looking after the place, sorting stuff out for the campers and fixing any problems that came up. It was a lot of responsibility for a teenager but I got on alright, if something major came up I'd phone the camp manager and he'd take over.

People brought their own camping stuff and we had a sort of grid, which for convenience we named after alphabetical female names, so for instance if someone's tent pegs had been nicked, I'd check the grid and write down something like "12th July - 2:15pm - tent pegs nicked Laura tent".

It was towards the end of my employ there that the defining moment of my summer occurred; some middle class hippie types came along in a rather unusual structure, a central asian yurt. Some bollocks about how they live better or something. They were towards the back of the campsite and within a couple of days had really wound everyone up, including the beekeepers who worked in the fields adjacent to us. They were absolutely furious with them, as they kept trying to break in and free the bees, I called the manager over this one, and he seemed to have placated both parties. Unfortunately this turned out not to be the case.

I was woken up that night in my on-site accommodation by a fair bit of shouting and screaming. I could see straight away that there was a fire at the back of the site, so I called the fire-brigade and went to see what I could do to help. As I got closer I could see that it was the hippie's camp that was on fire (they were all out fortunately), and not only that, there were bees EVERYWHERE, with the beekeepers pointing and laughing from the field nearby.

I only learnt this later, but it turns out you can attatch a valve and funnel to a beehive, add some sort of chemical to get the bees really going, and they'll race through at such incredible speeds that they cause a hell of a lot of heat via friction. Add this to a dry combustible dwelling like theirs and you have a fire waiting to happen. The beekeepers had done just this, wheeling over their hives on some pallets or something , putting the tubes into their tent as they slept and turning on the valve.

The hippies left the next morning, threatening to press charges and so on, but nothing ever came of it, I expect because it clashed with their ideals. It was a night I'll always remember to my dying day. Bees, my god.

And that was my bee tap arson of the yurt wendy-tent.

no YOU fuck off
( Lightguy hail satan, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 19:40, 8 replies)

Aung Sung Suu Kyi
For showing us all that incredible things can be achieved by staying at home and not speaking to anyone.
(meepmeep is, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 18:34, 1 reply)

This man
www.bbc.co.uk/news/10333211

For carrying out an action that lead to the most unlikely sentence ever being written out in the international press.

"A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said."
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 15:33, 3 replies)

Brian Blessed
He got close to the top of Everest, but said "Fuck that, saving someone's life matters more." He's got a list of acting credits as long as my cock*. And best of all? He will still happily shout "GORDON'S ALIVE!" given any reason.

* I wish my cock were that long.
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 11:31, 3 replies)

Jody McIntyre

"It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference" Tom Brokaw
(Miss B3thpot, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 11:24, 18 replies)

I guess he'll disagree, but
I think Professor Kenny Martin deserves a mention, and I'll tell you why...

This year he sadly suffered one of the greatest tragedies that anyone can. It is at these times in life when we find out who we really are and through it all he has shown courage and dignity when some people would just have given up. He has been brave enough to share some of his innermost pain with complete strangers, like myself, on b3ta, and I hope that he finds some solace in that. It may sound soppy, but for me, the Prof has reminded me that although humanity can be horrific at times there is hope and that real love that even death cannot destroy still exists in this sometimes bleak and cruel world. He restores my faith in humanity and in the resilience of the human spirit, despite his suffering. It is true what they say - grief is simply the price we pay for love, and how much poorer the world would be if we chose not to pay that price.

Sorry for lack of funnies, and potentially embarrassing someone I don't know, but I felt it had to be said.

Here's to a brighter 2011.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 17:16, 8 replies)

Mutated Monty for still making things for b3ta and for the tv

and for not fucking off and leaving us as soon as he found a bit of fame :)
( prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 22:37, 2 replies)

Noel!
Just before I rush off for Christmas, here's a little tale about my nominee for B3tan 2010.

One snowy morning, I awoke in a content enough mood. I got out of bed, put on my warmest jumper and went into the kitchen to make myself a nice cup of tea. But - alas - it appeared I'd been robbed by a vagabond of some kind. All my food, drink and comestibles were missing. I'd even run out of coke. And lo, I was wrathful. I jumped around the room swearing like I had tourettes, even frightening the resident loon in the flat next door. I made a vow to take vengeance against the arsewipe who had made off with my tasty breakfast. But where to begin such a quest?

I decided that the best course of action would be to start at my own front door. Whilst I was looking about for clues, a wanderer trotted mysteriously out of the morning mist.

'Good day' quoth I. He looked at me as if I were brain dead. Undeterred, I persevered, for I'm no chicken lady.

'Hello?' I tried again. 'I wondered if you might be able to help. You see, I've just been burgled.'

The stranger emitted a high-pitched cackle followed by a cacophony of shrieks and wails reminiscent of some kind of traditional whorehouse knees-up. 'Go thou, and seek the magic dwarf,' he said. And then fucked off.

I thought this sounded like fairly bad advice, but then I was in no position to argue. I set off towards the enchanted forest where this chthonic being was said to reside. As I drew near to the edgewoods, I felt some trepidation. All around I could hear the rustlings of hidden creatures. What was that in the bushes? A mongoose? A goat? A foxy badger, or merely an amorous one?

'Don't be such a big girl's blouse,' I told myself firmly, stepping forward. Fortunately, it was merely a not-very-scary duck. Feeling more placid, I continued.

The path through the woods grew darker and more tangled with every step. I had no idea of how I was going to find the magic dwarf, but fortunately I had brought an automatic light vessel - more commonly known as a torch - along on my quest. But then another shape appeared, a man with a plan of some kind.

It was Robin Hood, but a demented, hideous version, a gnarled and withered ancient with a face like a smashed monkey. He looked like the devil in tights.

'Password?' he demanded.

'I don't have one,' I replied sheepishly.

It was then I had my second stroke of luck. Robin Hood was obviously a little hard of memory, and had relied on a truly amish information system to recall the password he was instructed to demand. He'd carved it on a nearby tree. Peering through the forest gloom, I could just make out the letters...m...o...n...k..e...

I bawled 'MONKEY!' as loud as I could. Triumph! Robin slunk awake, and then, out of nowhere he appeared before me, hooded in his inky cloak of darkness and surrounded by a ring of fire. The Supreme Crow - for it was he, henchman of the tricksy midget himself. Boldly - as boldly as I could muster given the increasingly strange circumstances - I made my request for an audience with the grand master.

'Why, of course,' replied the courteous corvid, and ushered me forth into a cavernous chamber sparkling with gold dust, wherein sat the dwarf, muttering nonsensities. I related the woeful tale of my stolen food, and the trials I had undergone to get to him.

And then what happened? Well, the vile little scrote just laughed at me, brandished a carrot he'd been concealing. He was obviously a terminal boozehound and even at this time in the morning was completely legless.To make matters worse, on the way home I slipped and ended up with a broken coccyx. And that all really happened.

Merry Christmas all.
(jennymnemonic, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:29, 13 replies)

Lu Ratwoman (or Evil Lu if you are OLD SKOOL).
She is ace. She made me stick around here when I first joined.

She is a wonderful lady who has been a rock to cling to and a shoulder to cry on - and her frankly terrifying capacity for vodka and Kronenberg is something that brings a tear to my eye.

She's fucking brilliant. So there.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 17 Dec 2010, 18:10, 12 replies)

Jeremy the Annoying Horse
obv's
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 16 Dec 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Me.
Or this guy.


(Archeleus hates cabbage, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 13:52, 3 replies)

me

(pissflaps. FSPW, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 7:15, 1 reply)

Nick Clegg
Because he's managed to silence all those smug, self-satisfied pricks who berated me for (begrudgingly, and for lack of a better alternative) voting Labour all those years.

"Mmm. Yah. Of course, the Lib Dems are the real party of the Left these days"

How's that working out for you?
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 12:02, 12 replies)

Bob Monkhouse
for not rising from the dead and embarking on a transcontinental orgy of violence and bloodshed which would inevitably end in him destroying Japan with a giant death ray.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 19 Dec 2010, 18:34, 3 replies)

Cyriak
lots of people are saying Cyriak and I have no objections, but its going to be hard to get his nomination to the top of the page if everyone places a post instead placing a clicky vote.

Just sayin' is all.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 20:30, 2 replies)

Piers Morgan
For uniting the world in one cause: hating Piers Morgan.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 11:16, 2 replies)

I'd like to nominate Richard Herring
I noticed that Stewart Lee was nominated so who better to follow him than his better half. Sure, he might not be better in accolades or success, but given the chance here he might actually earn something. Perhaps a 3rd place award because naturally Assange is going to win and Brian Blessed a swift and deserving second (deserving only because Assange really deserves that top place at the podium).

So I ask you my fellow b3tards to award a man who's shows have gone from attempting to be involved in a threesome to the politically charged and brilliant Hitler Moustache - which I recommend you get unless you wish to wallow in that non-entertained seating position forever and not experienced the height of pleasure in this very entertained seating position I am in right now. He is a man who has said piss live on air on a once soon to be defunct digital radio station which was saved from the clutches of oblivion. He is a man who has started two semi-successful podcast shows which have sold out at the Edinburgh fringe to a bunch of really odd nerds. He is a man who has endured the nasal voiced talents of Andrew Collins and lived to make a set of amusing characters based upon him and his family.

Winner of the Gamesmaster Golden Joystick I would like to nominate Richard Herring and would hope you would at least cast a vote in his favour. Thank you.
( Christian's Bolt and Ski, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 20:52, 8 replies)

Fresh Water Mole
For creating Jeremy the Annoying Horse.

Jeremy is suck a fucking twat, and leaves a trail of destruction behind him wherever he goes. Some may think that he is just simple, but his latest act of tomfoolery proves that not only is he a goon, he is also a liar.

He point blank refused to admit that he had destroyed the tree, even though his rectum was spouting shitty tinsel like it was going out of fashion.

Perhaps it is just a phase, but I am looking forward to 2011, and the ultimate demise of the worlds most fuckwitted horse.

Hopefully it will involve Jeremy getting into a scrape at the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea, sparking world war 3.

I'd love to see that.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Sat 18 Dec 2010, 18:28, 1 reply)

Broadsword
for sterling efforts in raising awareness of how much he likes breasts.



"Lest we forget"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 19:47, 6 replies)

My fiancé, djtrialprice.
For picking me up on B3ta, for giving me the best year evah, for proposing to me in the middle of Kings Cross Station, and for being one step away from making an honest woman of me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 12:00, 10 replies)

Leslie Nielson
RIP
(FJ_Reg, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 16:57, 1 reply)

From a purely b3tan perspective
Amorous Badger. Say what you like about him (and many do), he seems to me to have changed the face of QOTW. Back when I first started looking at b3ta, as a lurker, a heck of a lot of answers involved what I can only think of as bragging or wank-fantasies. These ranged from dull to frankly embarrassing.

I maybe don't approve of his methods but I do approve of his results. The subtext to many posts was "don't you wish you were me?", and now, although people may not admit it, they don't bait the Badger. There's been an all-around realisation that you can tell a story about your achievements without sounding like a swaggering bellend.

Say what you will, but if you want to read about other people having fantastic sex there's a great big internet full of sites for just that. I like the idea that b3ta is full of humans just like any other pale sweaty nerd.

Troll he may be, but I like what he's done with the place.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 14:02, 42 replies)

Amorous Badger
and the fail archive.

Despite his manifest handicaps, the Badger works tirelessly to mock, denigrate or otherwise disparage anyone posting something on QOTW that doesn't meet his low standards. Think of the work he puts in..

~~~~~~Wavy Lines~~~~~

Badger is sitting at his PC in his underpants. His little face is screwed up in concentration. The tip of his tongue is poking out of the corner of his lips as he struggles to bend the computer to his will.

".............OK.....I can do this.........CUT!........"

He flicks to a new tab in Firefox. Positions the mouse.....

"..........PASTE!........YAY!!! I did it!"

He does a little dance of victory around his squalid bedroom.

"OK. Only another 85 words to go and I got that fucker nailed....."


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 13:35, 28 replies)