» * PFFT *

Ah farts ARE funny...
Let me see...

1, Ex girlfriend who only ever ate Kormas for some unknown reason and was quite ladylike otherwise, would trump her arse off in bed. I remember cuddling up to her one night and having the unmistakable aroma of arse wafting up from under the duvet. She swallowed the ball off her tongue bar one day and I suggested if she had to guff she pointed herself away from people... instant new nicname... "The Musket".

2, Friend of mine at work once turned up for his shift and told us this little story... "I woke up and to my utter horror found my girlfriend's ring about 2 inches from my nose, cheeks held apart by her as she let fly with a massive postern blast which sent her into fits of giggles. And she looked such a nice girl normally.!

3, Sitting eating breakfast with my bro one morning he dropped a fart that sounded EXACTLY like a motorbike passing outside. I even looked out the window.!

3, My workplace is mostly populated by women, but upstairs it is us men that dominate (shopfloor versus stockroom) and this leads to a massive amount of chuffing, guffing and breaking of wind. The worst are post curry or chinese with my bum giving resounding smells but sod all noise. The slightly chubbier staff have the extra bummage to create noises usually only found eminating from the back of badly maintained buses.

And 4, The fine art of nipping into your brothers room while he is brushing his teeth at night, farting mightily into the pillow then running away. Brilliant fun.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 17:45, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

My Favourite Insult...
A certain black ex-employee at my work was getting a bit uppity about another white employee who was telling him what to do. All very fairly as the black dude wasn't always pulling his weight and did spend a surprising amount of time smoking himself into a total stupor whilst outside of working hours.

On one particular occasion the black dude, lets call him Bob, got upset and when he got fed up with being constantly told to get the fuck on with working (as the lazy bugger was pissing around) he had a little arguement with the white guy, let us name him Ted...

Ted: Stop fucking around and do some work
Bob: Will you stop going on at me, it's cos I'm black innit.?

Ted: I don't care if you are bright purple, you're still a lazy cunt.!
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 19:07, More)

» Personal Ads

When I replied to an ad saying "cute single mother seeks good fun" I thought "Ooooh err"
What she didn't tell me about was...

1, a string of criminal convictions.
2, a dog that shits inside.
3, the kind of child you KNOW will end up "pikey"
4, the childs father being in prison for murder
5, fantastic dirty sex while she screams and thrashes around like a gaffed fish.

Well it wasn't ALL bad things.!!!
(Thu 13th Sep 2007, 20:33, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Ooooh pretty obvious one this...
After being intimate with a ladyfriend, of not washing your hands and spending the next few hours (or back in my unwashed teens, days) sniffing said fanny batter...

...or worse, depending on where my finger has been.

Ahem.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 18:20, More)

» Stupid Dares

My ex dared me...
to try a little "period" drama involving my willeh and her badly timed vagina.

I'm used to the sight now, but at the time the image of my little General covered in a thick jammy sauce was a little too much to take.

For those of you too horrified by the idea of SPADing (passing a signal at danger), then don't worry, it washes off, it is extra slippery as long as you mind the clots and afterwards you can always stick it out of the window and pretend you live above a Barber's shop.
(Sat 3rd Nov 2007, 12:16, More)