» Cringe!

I REALLY, REALLY, shouldn't tell this.
But I will. But it means I can never show my face at any B3ta get together and may change my user name in a moment.


When I lived in the south of England my local pub had quite a nice habit of having late night lock ins. Not for everybody of course, the landlady had a selected few of her favourite locals whom where invite to stay behind and consume vast amounts of ale.

One such evening myself and maybe half a dozen friends where quaffing to our hearts' content until maybe six in the morning. I nipped to the loo for an extended pee and when I came back everybody had gone, and the front door was locked and the landlady was nowhere to be seen.

Wondering where the landlady had gone, I called her name, "Sarah?" I shouted (Name changed to protect me).

No answer.

I made my way behind the bar and up the stairs to her private flat shouting "Sarah" all the way.

I opened the door to her private flat and see Sarah lying, crashed out on her sofa.

I sit beside her and not wanting to scare her gently shake her shoulders.
"Sarah! Sarah, you have to let me out."

She comes to, blinks her eyes, recognises me and quite deliberatley reahces out her hand and starts rubbing my crotch.

"I wondered how long it would take you before you found your way here" she purred (actually she slurred, but purred sounds a bit better.)

I am a guy, and contact between a lady's hand and my man bits causes an immediate and totally involuntary rush of blood and turns-off all other senses.

I began kissing her, and like all good porn stars begin gently probing her mouth with my tongue.

RIGHT. This is the cringe bit. I have withheld certain information until this point for maximum effect.

I was about 21.

Sarah was around 65.

Her false teeth fell out.

*currently running round my office screaming "NONONONONONONO"*

suggestions for new user name most welcome
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 14:49, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Poker Night
A few of us used to play poker at my house (low stakes nothing interesting) every first Thursday of the month. It became quite popular so we limited it to the first 5 people to arrive. We had a hard and fast rule that you had to be there before 9:00 otherwise I wouldn't open the door.

Anyway about 10:30, and we've had a few dozen hands when there is a knock at the door.
"Tuff!" is the unspoken thought as we ignore the tapping and continue with the hand.
The house was an old terraced house in Reading where the front door opens straight into the front room.
Then a credit card is slipped thru the gap in the door frame. Someone was trying to pop the Yale lock. Dave, the largest of our party, quickly springs up and opens the door.

Cue somewhat startled looking chaff, arm still raised with credit card in hand. Looks past Dave at 5 not at all small people smiling at him.

"Is er,...er... er Pete in " says chaff.
Dave says "Start running!"

About ten minutes later, Dave comes back with the guy's jacket, trainers and HIS socks.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 15:28, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Not one of mine but....
This one did the email rounds a while back and is only just on topic but for what it is worth...

Remember it takes a University degree to fly a plane, but only a GCSE's to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 14:45, More)

» I witnessed a crime

crime prevention
This is my mate's story but as he is not a B3tan I'll tell it on his behalf.

His nick name is Two Tonne Mick; because
a) his first name is Micheal,
and
b) he wieghs about two tonnes (probably 22 stone).

He and his girlfriend are drving back to their flat in his GF's car. They pull up the communal drive when they see a proper skanky looking skelly using a screwdriver to force the padlock of Two Tonne Micks works van.

Mick casually walks up to the thief just as he gets the padlock off. He then slams the guy's head into the rear door of his van resulting in a near perfect impression of the guy's slack jawed, sloping forehead cranium in the door panel. (will try and get photo of this over the weekend)

You can actually see the thief's startled expression in the dent.

He then started to cry.

Mick never got the panel beaten out, he reckons it wards of other skellies.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 14:53, More)

» IT Support

Dull but true.
We recently changed our email software from from "MS mail" to "Notes".

I am in my lab along with my boss called Gary (who is a nasty right wing shit whom I hate) and a few students. Gary is meant to be teaching the new students a few research techniques.

Without warning our IT technician, Vijay comes in and asks for my password so that he can changed something on the server so that I can access the new "Notes" system.

"I cant tell you my password with all these people here" I say but I am already going bright red.

"S'kay" says techncian "just change it to something new in about 30 minutes"

"I'll write it down for you" says I.
I find a piece of scrap paper and write out "GARY is a CUNT"

Vijay doesnt even blink, takes paper and goes off to do his job.

about 25 minutes later I get an email from Vijay- no message just a title "YES, he is"
(Fri 25th Sep 2009, 12:35, More)