» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

London shop girl
I once shagged a 19-year old shop girl from London.

We had quite a romance, actually. I took her to places she'd never been before and showed her amazing sights no-one had ever seen before. We fell out a bit over her dad, but soon patched things up.

I went through a bit of a mid-life crisis when all this shit from my past turned up, but she helped me through that and saved the day, would you believe, with a kiss.

After that I was a changed man with a new outlook on life and the romance entered a new stage. We were giddily happy, madly in love and wanted everyone to know. I didn't even mind when her ex-boyfriend turned up and came along for the ride for a bit (but I was glad when we had to abandon him).

Unfortunately, eventually, some other shit from my past turned up and I had to leave her forever. I thought that was the last I would ever see of her, so I shacked up with a young black trainee doctor from London and then this lairy 40 year old ginger temp (I was getting desperate).

Then the WORST shit from my past turned up and so did she again. This time I sorted it for good (I hope) but had to abandon her again, this time with an awkward compromise which satisfied nobody.

I still miss her. She was fantastic. The age difference? 881 years.

The Doctor
(Fri 5th Dec 2008, 10:40, More)

» Puns

The people of Dubai
do not find The Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Dr S
(Sat 7th Mar 2009, 17:29, More)

» Buses

The Rules of Bus-Or
1. Buses MUST smell of either:

a) Piss
b) Vomit
c) Farts

or a combination of the three.

2. Buses MUST, at all times, contain:

a) A month-old copy of Metro
b) An empty drinks can which rolls sloooowly and noisily under the seats
c) One loony (see 3. below)

3. With regards to c) above, the loony must meet the following minimum criteria:

a) Must smell, and the smell must be so overpowering that when combined with those set out in 1. above, that it is physically visible and/or audible
b) Must resemble, or indeed be, a paedo
c) Must have unnerving stare of at least 75 on the Alan Moore scale and be able to engage passengers in conversations about the nuclear bomb he is building in his shed, Star Trek, or the little green goblin that talks to him and tells him to kill women

4. In summer, buses must contain at least ONE wasp at ALL times. Drivers to be issued with wasp in jam-jar at commencement of journey, to be released prior to emboardation of any passengers.

5. No Standees Beyond This Point.

6. Exact Change Only. Passenger Change Tickets Available.

7. Posters recruiting bus drivers must be as outlandish and askew to reality as possible, so much so that David Lynch himself would cry. Example: "Enjoy meeting people? Enjoy travel? Become a bus driver!" There should be no limit to the imagination when designing such posters, up to and including, "Want to pull the birds, earn millions, and become the most popular person on Earth? Become a bus driver!"

8. The hyrdraulic brakes on every bus should make a noise akin to a thousand elephants being castrated with a rusty scythe.

9. Should any man over the age of 26 board a bus, the driver should regard him with a pitying stare and slow, sad shake of the head.

10. Bus-Or is never late.
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 17:09, More)

» Eccentrics

Bhougremious Fpoon
Good Afternoon

My Name Is BHOUGREMIOUS FPOON.

I have the following issues with my new Arxinon 7380 Pentium VI Drive.

Firstly, the screen thren hassen can meddle notwith black squiggles.

Secondly, the inward-outward flange. It is not receiving, nor is it sending. It is also not sending, or receiving, when in TELE mode.

Thirdly, the COILON lead. Is it suppossed to dock with the male, or the female, SCARTING socket? If male, which end - north or south - goes in the modem? If female, how do you get the cover off?

Fourthly, mice. My Arxinon 7380 Pentium VI came supplied with 8 mice. How many should a man of my standing require?

Fifthly, she star mesoptron voltimater concordance. Nested quantuples - but incompatible vox boost. Deploy, scatter, uninstall, or all four?

Sixthly, the hash prompt reads thus:

HEXANAL: 14641
TWIN PEDAL: Active
GHOUL: Ugh
RETRONICS: Silver
OFF-NODE: On
ON-NODE: Off
OT-NOTE: Om
CUNNATE: Fined
PHONG: Rouge
OUTPOT: 86789798735189754

Are these readings as it should be?

Seventhly, and most annoyingly, the CAC-card ejects every time I press "PURGE". Surely it should initiate PURGE process? Most annoying as I have to go into DOS and run PURGE myself.

Eightly, the flungward node (the one attached to the external dome) has cracked - do I need to puchase a replacement, or can I simply glue the casing back together?

Ninthly, the vidplayer. I have downloaded some pornography by accident, and the vidplayer refuses to work, even though I have deleted the pornography (I thought it was a nature documentary on the inhabitants of South Bristol), and sent an apology via e-mail to the manufacturers of both the Arxinon 7380 Pentium IV and the vidplayer. Could you advise what I need to do next, or should I simply hand myself over to the Police?

Tenthly, radiation. Is the Arxinon 7380 Pentium IV adversely affected by the presence of a large source of Gamma radiation? I need advice before installing expensive and heavy lead sheeting.

Yours Sincerely

BHOUGREMIOUS FPOON.
Koln
Deutschland
(Wed 5th Nov 2008, 17:32, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

The Shadow Spectre
Heard this from a friend who was doing some contract work in an office in Chester. Now, Chester was founded as a Roman fort and there are lots of archeological digs going on at any one time. The office my friend - we'll call him Paul - was working in was right opposite this dig where they reckon they'd found a second Minerva shrine, there was a lot of excitment over it and during the day the office workers would watch the excavations from the first floor window.

One night Paul decided to stay late to finish some work. This was in October so it was dark outside by half 6. Now the room he was working in was a big open plan affair, with windows at the far end and a double line of tall filing cabinets in front of the windows. Paul was working at a terminal at the other end of the room, on a desk up against the wall so his back was to the room and the windows and filing cabinets were some way off to his left.

He got quite into his work and oblivious of his surroundings, as you do, but at about 7 pm he became aware of a banging sound, as if someone was running up and down between the rows of filing cabinets and kicking them. This startled him, but it only happened the once so he put it down to 'building sound' and set to work again.

About ten minutes later the sound happened again, only louder. Paul tells me that he literally felt his blood run cold, as no way could this sound be attributed to any settling or shifting building noise. It sounded like someone or something was running up and down between the rows of cabinets and hitting them with a something metal.

Now these cabinets were only 4 foot high so if there was someone there he'd have been able to see them... unless they were a midget or a child... or were bending down in order to stay out of sight...

The sound got so loud that Paul closed down his PC and was getting ready to leg it - no way was he going to investigate - when the sound abruptly ceased.

Then, in the sudden silence, a figure rose up from behind the front row of filing cabinets.

At this point Paul tells me that he felt the most scared he had ever been in his entire life. He literally could not move.

This figure appeared to be the outline of a man - totally black, like a shadow come to life. Paul coud only see the torso, head and shoulders as it was behind the filing cabinets, but as he watched it walked forwards THROUGH THE CABINETS and marched down the office towards him.

Paul couldn't even scream as the spectre drew nearer. It was very definitely the outline of a man, with striding legs, swinging arms and an odd, oval shaped head. And as it came nearer to Paul, he noticed the weirdest thing of all about the apparation. He noticed that it wasn't solid at all.

It was made out of tiny black spheres about the size of a marble, arranged in the three-dimensional shape of a man.

Paul remembers seeing the hand of this shape, the fingers opening and closing as it marched closer and closer, the fingers made of individual black marbles...

It was coming straight for him but he could not move. And, as it passed by him, it paused - AND TURNED TO LOOK AT HIM with its blank, oval head. As though it had just noticed him.

At that point Paul broke and ran blindly from the room, screaming his lungs out. He can't remember much about the next few minutes but the security guards accosted him running through the foyer crying and shouting.

He refused to go back to the room, in fact refused to go back into the building, and lost the contract.

He told people what he had seen but no-one else ever saw or heard anything unusual happen in that building.

The archaelogical dig was a false alarm, they never found a second Minerva temple, instead all they found was remnants of a Roman gladius (sword).

Dr S
(Thu 3rd Jul 2008, 12:00, More)