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This is a question Puns

Tell us your best ever puns - get them out of your system now and let's not see them again.

Suggested by MatJ

(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 12:52)
Pages: Latest, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, ... 1

This question is now closed.

This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays
Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily two friends of mine really helped me out so I ended up doing OK. I've put a picture of the three of us below. That was a long time ago now of course, I've got a job in insurance and my two mates are a funeral director and a druggie respectively (shame that).




That's me and the coroner
That's me and the pot guy
Choosing my revision
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 22:35, 6 replies)
The people of Dubai
do not find The Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Dr S
(, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:29, 4 replies)
A touching tale
It was round midnight, the music was blaring, the rave was in full swing.

We'd sent a mate out on a scouting mission and he came back with a small bag full of pills. Oddly, they were bright fucking red, someone must've added some dye to the manufacturing process.

"The fella that sold um to me said they're the strongest on the face of the fucking planet!" My mate beamed. "Though they do have one slight drawback. Don't even think about pulling tonight. After you've had some of these you'll be as impotent as an octogenarian on bromide."

"That's ok, mate," I replied, necking a handful of the red pills. "I'm just here to dance and act like a twat."

Roll onto three am, the music's still pounding, I'm having a whale of a time.

Then I realise a lovely young lady is dancing close to me. Really close. We spend the next half hour throwing some shapes and staring into each others eyes. Then she takes my hand and leads me away from the noise.

This was way back in the early ninetees when raves used to take place in fields. Quite convenient, really. Within minutes the pounding beat is far behind us. The warm summer breeze kisses my skin. This girl and I walk, hand in hand, not saying a word. She leads me to a spinny. We lay down on the soft, cool grass and kiss passionately.

I go to speak but she puts a finger to my lips and shakes her head 'no'. Then she reaches up behind her and unfastens her halterneck top. Soundlessly, the flimsy fabric, damp with her sweat falls away to reveal her perfect shapely torso. Her pert breasts point upwards, her nipples large and hard.

Unfortunately I had no hardness in return...

Shit! The fucking red pills! I was softer than Mr Softy at a pillow convention in Softsville.

She straddles me and we kiss again. She was all over me, she ripped open my shirt and started fumbling for my fly. Within moments my jeans were off. She worked on my flacid package with her mouth, running her lips over the fabric of my boxers. Then, without a word, she pulled them down and tossed them into the bushes.

She took me into her mouth and sucked hard. Running her tounge over my cock with steady urgency. While she did this she removed her thong and straddled me. I could feel the heat and wet warmth between her thighs.

Then, slowly at first, my wee chap started to harden. It was an almost relegious moment. I'm sure the angels looking down at us were really fucking chuffed. Either that or taking photos.

Yes! All systems go! We have an ERECTION, repeat, we have an ERECTION!!!

Then she was riding me, hard. Pushing her pelvis onto me. God, she was so tight and wet. She slid up and down my cock like a fucking meat trombone. Her breasts were in my face, her long flaxen hair flicking at me. She purred and breathed shallow, urgent breaths. Grinding onto me, pushing me into her to the hilt.

After several minutes of thrusting I could feel my orgasm build. I could feel my cock twitch and I grasped at her perfect shoulders and bellowed:

"Red E or not, here I cum!"
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:19, 6 replies)
There was a conference to discuss the global effect of this QotW…

Every world leader was invited, but the only ones who bothered to turn up were the royal male Islamic religious heads of state from Iran, Azerbaijan, Bahrain and Iraq.

The first Monarch took to the podium and said:

“We should go out on a collective mission, to ensure that anybody who is not strong be totally ignored!...but anyhoo…before that, has anybody read the stack of ‘no-pun-in-ten-did’ replies yet?”

The second king slaps his thigh and shouts: “I agree with your plan, your majesty…and what about the ‘Shoots you, sir!’ ones? FFS!” *laughs*

The third retorted: “Count me in your highness...I move that only those here present should embark on this adventure!. Oh, and in the meantime, don't get me started with that 'Super-Calley-go-ballistic-Celtic-are-atrocious' effort! If I read that one more time I’m going to ram a cunting knitting needle through my eye socket!”


The fourth leader nodded, and looked despondently at the three men before solemnly declaring:


“Hmmm…it seems to me that this quest – ‘shun of the weak’…is just four-king shi-ite!”


Then they all got pissed, shagged birds and waited until Thursday.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:03, 5 replies)
Woman goes to a hair salon in Geordieland
"What can ah dee f' yee pet"? asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please", comes the reply.

"Whey aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ah wandered lernley as a cloud..."
(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:35, 10 replies)
With apologies to the chairman of the board
And now, the end is near;
It’s time to get, a brand new question.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

I’ve read this question through.
I’ve read everything you’ve had to say;
And noticed this, and only this,
You did it the wrong way.

Good puns, I’ve found a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I noticed each and every slip;
Each dreadful joke on this in-formation highway,
And noticed this, and only this,
You did it the wrong way

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I laughed, but they were few.
But through it all, there was no doubt,
You fucked it up, you blew it out.
I faced it all and still you all;
Did it the wrong way.

Ive groaned, Ive cursed and cried.
And I feel you’ve been abusing.
And the few, good puns aside,
I found nothing too amusing.

To think I did all that;
And it was gay – (not in a good way),
Oh B3ta, with a three,
You did it the wrong way.

For what is a question, what has it got?
Well this one, really has naught.
To say the things it truly asked;
Very few managed the task.
The record shows this question blows -
You did it the wrong way.
(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:51, 9 replies)
Inspired by the QOTW
my friend and I have been telling each other jokes but ruining the punchline by being too literal.

Par example...

I’ve got a dog with no nose.
How does he smell?
He can't due to the lack of basic olfactory processes as you and I take for granted, really.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Around midday if it’s south Africa; the heat really gets to them and they need to rest.

How do you get four elephants in a mini?

Clearly you can’t. The average African elephant is around 12 feet tall and weighs 12,000 lbs, whereas the interior of a mini is roughly 120 x 55 x 53 inches. You would need some kind of long wheelbase van with a spacious interior, and even then you may struggle to get more than one pachyderm in there.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Oh, hello Doctor, come on in, I was wondering where you’d got to.

How do you get down from an elephant?
Carefully. It’s a long way up and it’s easy to turn your ankle, particularly if dismounting onto an uneven surface.

Two men walk into a pub, one turns to the other and says “your round”. His friend responds “certainly, pint of lager is it?” thus avoiding a potentially hilarious homophone-based misunderstanding where one of the gentlemen thinks that his body shape is being criticized.

How do you kill a circus?

The most effective way would be to cut all marketing and promotional spend, thus collapsing any potential for reaching new audiences. That, coupled with overpriced tickets and a weak performance, would most likely see the financial ‘death’ of such an entertainment medium in a matter of months.


I don't know why (possibly the residual hangover and the excess sugar making me hysterical) but some of these are making me laugh till wee comes out. God, I'm easily amused these days...
(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:11, 8 replies)
obligatory racism
Driving through london the other week
my girlfriend points to a sign at the side of the road and says
'nice to see the chinese community are so welcoming'
the sign reads HARROW
(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:44, 2 replies)
m3ta
[insert retrospection]
[insert lengthy ramble]
[insert sex and/or masturbation reference]
[insert long-winded build up]
[insert dreadful pun]
[insert value and unit of measurement/comparative reference]
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:03, 10 replies)
This one's mine...and I'm proud of it damnit.
I was asked to go to T.G.I. Friday's for dinner last week, but I refused on principle. My friend looked at me funny, and I explained to them that I could not go to somewhere called "Thank God It's Friday" and eat one of their burgers.

I believe in the separation of church and steak.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:15, 5 replies)
Since noone else has...
... I'd like to be the first to ask what we've done to deserve this QotW.

What could possibly deserve such punnishment?



/coat
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:38, 7 replies)
*wheels out visual gag*

(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:00, Reply)
A japanese man
is playing golf in Edinburgh and on the 18th hole meets another japanese golfer. They introduce themselves and start talking.

"Where abouts are you from?" asks the first man.

"Tokyo" replies the other

"Really? Me too. Which district?"

"Shinjuku distict" replies the other man

"Amazing, that's where I'm from. Where do you work?" asks the first man.

"I work for the Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation Service" says the second man.

"I don't believe it" says the first man "I've worked for Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation for twenty years, how is it that we never met?"

"I guess we're just a couple of nips that passed in the shite"

/coat
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:37, 7 replies)
The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round."

etc.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:30, 4 replies)
What kind of bees can you get milk from?
Boobies.




*runs*
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:11, 4 replies)
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was so depressed, I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:06, 1 reply)
This really...
...is a question of the weak
(, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:58, Reply)
They Found Maddie!!

Apparently she was hiding on top of Jade Goody.


Police said it was virgin on the ridiculous.

Ticket to Hull please.

Cheers
(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 0:24, 2 replies)
If you're going to the United Arab Emirates...
...don't talk about The Flinstones in Dubai because they don't get the humour.

However the people in Abu Dhabi do.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:28, 2 replies)
Honda
A fella goes to his doctor and says "it's really embarassing doctor but whenever i fart the noise that comes out is 'honda'".

doc consults some books and says "ah, you don't need me, you need to see your dentist"

odd, thinks the fella but off he trots to his nhs dentist - which as we know in 21st century england is a doddle (oof, cutting edge satire, i'm even wearing a sparkly suit and red twat owl glasses)

dentist takes one look inside his gob and pronounces "ah, i can see your problem - you have an abscess"

fella is perplexed "an absecess?? but it's my farts that are the problem"

dentist takes out his spang hammer "yes, didn't you know an abscess makes your fart go honda?"

i thank you!

*exits left*
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:25, 2 replies)
I wanted to say something really witty
but now the pressure is really on.

I've got post traumatic stress syndrome.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:04, 4 replies)
New York Methodists...

In my capacity as fanatical puritan, I was once invited to speak at a service at the young ladies’ branch of the local New York Methodists (NYM).

The congregation consisted of girls aged 18-22, and each one was blessed with stunning good looks, shapely thighs, firm, pert buttocks, and supple breasts that were humongous in their pendulate gelatinous magnificence.

As I began my lecture, I noticed that they were becoming visibly aroused as I discussed how sex, deep, sensuous penetration, and the exploration of each others bodies in girl-on-girl action was a very bad thing indeed.

The next time I glanced up from my notes I realised that they had all stripped off out of their convent girl uniforms, exposing their sultry bodies to the light through the stained glass windows…and as they began to probe each other with their tongues, they glistened with moistness and sweat.

Next thing I knew it was like an explosion in a chopped liver factory – there were arms, legs, dildos, gash and buckets of kebab meat flying about the place…and the moans and sighs of ecstasy were beginning to drown out the church organ.

Obviously, I was appalled.

“I cast thee out! - You're all going to Hell!” I cried to them, reciting the bible and throwing crucifixes in the general direction of the animalistic carnal live lesbian display, before spurting holy water over their nubile young bodies as they writhed around, passionately plunging tongues ever deeper into various crevices and orifices.

...


Now I tell you something…I may not be able to do puns, but I know how to treat 'homo-NYMs' as 'sinner-NYMs'...
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 10:19, 2 replies)
Secret extract
"Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am a werewolf."

Harry recoiled in both fear and disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his professor crumbled away underneath his clenched fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too."
(, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:13, 2 replies)
A frog
walks into a bank.

He goes up to the counter and speaks to the cashier, a Miss Patricia Wakk.

He says, 'My name is Kermit Jagger, I want a loan of a million pounds. I have this china cow as collateral.'

She says, 'well, I will have to speak to the manager, this is most unusual.'

The manager comes over and Patricia says 'This is Kermit Jagger, he wants a loan, but all he has is this cow thing, I don't even know what it is'

The manager says 'It's a knick knack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone'




(This is going to be painful by this time next week isn't it?)
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:22, 3 replies)
Knock Knock
Who's there?

Neil.

Neil Who?

Neil Before Zod!
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:17, 2 replies)
The - now mandatory* - Fluffeh entry.


*A cat is for lolz, not just for life.
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 13:57, 4 replies)
I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday,
he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said "No, but i've told a donkey to fuck off.
(, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 17:10, 6 replies)
.

(, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 15:13, 9 replies)
Kids With Puns
I was trying to explain to my neices (8 and 5) how jokes work (because "why did the teapot need a wee... because it had tea in it!" isn't funny).

So I explained about puns and punchlines and illustrated my explanation with the pun based classic:

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!

Needless to say they found it funny (might have been solely because of the word poo being used). And all was good...

...until the last comic releif.

The kids had a school assembly and each child (in front of teachers, classmates and parents) has to get up and tell a joke. So one of my neices gets up and tells the baker/poo joke.

Apparently it's not acceptable for 8 year olds to use the word poo in a school assembly.

I'm not allowed to tell my neices jokes any more, even though it could have been so much worse...

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:54, 2 replies)
KY Jelly (from my boss)
Did you hear that KY Jelly were planning to release a special product for the new millennium called KYY2K? It allowed you to insert four digits into your date where previously you could only insert two.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:47, 1 reply)

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