» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Catapult
A cat belonging to a friend of mine had been indulging in a pastime many cats are fond of - bin-diving. On this particular occasion the cat had retrieved and devoured the elasticky string stuff that my friend's Sunday roast had been wrapped up with. She was a bit concerned, as this pork-flavoured, but fundamentally indigestible bit of string could have dire consequences for the cat's internal organs, but she was relieved when the cat managed to pass the string a day or two later.

However, the cat had managed to drop a fair proportion of the string, but was struggling to eject the entire thing; so after watching the poor creature strain for a while, she fetched a rubber glove, and attempted to help the cat extricate the remainder.

The cat was understandably panicked by the sensation of tension and legged it - still with half the elastic up its bum. The elastic stretched until some critical tension was achieved, then TWANG-SPLAT - friend was liberally pebbledashed.

Length etc... seven or eight feet, apparently.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 0:46, More)

» Hotel Splendido

What Dreams May Come
A few years ago myself and Miss Photon were invited to a wedding, which was to take place in the West Midlands. I was travelling from west Wales, she was travelling from East Anglia, so the West Midlands was quite a convenient central point for both of us to get to. Train timetables being what they are (especially from Wales), I was to arrive some 3 hours after her, and meet at the hotel.

Unusually for this QOTW, everything went perfectly according to plan. She arrived, settled in the room and turned on the telly (apparently What Dreams May Come was on), nipping to the loo before the film started. This proved to be her undoing, as shutting the bathroom door caused the door handle on the outside to fall off, and the bar through the middle of the lock to fall out. If you've ever fitted a door handle, you'll appreciate that this rather plain lump of metal is wholly responsible for transmitting force between your hand's pressure on the handle, and the bolt in the doorframe. Without it, there is absolutely no way of opening the door short of breaking it down.

The door was sturdily constructed, and Miss Photon less so, rendering that option impractical, so she settled for yelling and pounding on the door and bathroom walls to alert hotel staff and/or other guests to her plight.

When I arrived three hours later, it was to find a sobbing, hoarse Miss Photon, nursing badly bruised hands, in a little heap on the bathroom floor. She had failed utterly to watch What Dreams May Come, but apparently it sounded rubbish.

Length? 113 minutes, apparently.
(Sun 20th Jan 2008, 0:51, More)

» My most gullible moment

Gullible colleague
I work with a particularly gullible lady, who I'll refer to as R. Over the years she's realised that most of the things I tell her are in fact completely untrue, but occasionally one slips under the radar - particularly if there is an element of truth, or a plausible explanation.

Last summer she went on a cruise (the Med, I think), the first time she's been on a boat. For some reason she asked me and another colleague for advice on what to take, and things she ought to know. We racked our brains, and over the next few weeks came up a few:
1) If you meet a member of the crew walking towards you, you should always pass them on the seaward side.
2) If the ship's horn sounds, it generally means the ship has just entered the waters of another country. It's considered polite to stand and say 'God save the Queen!'.
3) You should always salute a uniformed officer.
4) Most ships expect ladies to wear hats at dinner. Wearing the same hat twice should be avoided.
5) There will usually be a lifeboat test during the first couple of nights - you should sleep fully clothed, as the last person out will be the 'victim' for the 'man overboard' drill.

She distrusts everything I say these days, although I did convince her that limes were just unripe lemons the other day.
(Mon 25th Aug 2008, 17:22, More)

» Food sabotage

Bread sauce?
Work Christmas dinner, about three years ago. They used to hold it in a local hotel, and although the canteen-style serving was perhaps not the classiest, everything was cooked to perfection (plus you could leave out the bits you didn't like, and have more of the bits you did).

They always had beef, turkey or a veggie option - personally I don't think it would be Christmas dinner without turkey, so the beef wasn't an option.

Now when I was a young 'un, we always had bread sauce with Christmas dinner - a lot of people have never heard of this, but look it up and try it - it's basically milk, flavoured with an onion, bay, cloves and pepper, thickened with breadcrumbs.

Imagine my delight then, when I spotted a huge pan of bread sauce. Grabbing the ladle, I poured the stuff all over my plate, making sure every bit of dinner was soaked in clovey bready goodness.

Yup, it was horseradish - I sabotaged my own Christmas dinner.
(Mon 22nd Sep 2008, 23:49, More)

» Evil Pranks

Grapefruit juice
During my first few weeks in halls in uni, I gradually became aware that items left our shared fridge were possibly considered communal property , and were being devoured at an alarming rate. As there were 22 people sharing one fridge, identifying the perpetrator was not easy - everyone swore blind they weren't nicking others' stuff.

In particular, I couldn't leave orange juice in the fridge without someone else emptying it - as my culinary skills were virtually non-existent, orange juice represented almost all of my fruit/vegetable intake, so with scurvy a real possibility steps had to be taken.

I took a freshly opened carton of orange juice and dissolved a good half pound of salt in it. The vitamin thief identified themselves within the hour - there was a strangled sort of retching noise, swiftly followed by a torrent of insults directed at me.

Apparently he'd poured himself a large glass and taken a swig, and immediately realised it was very, very un-orange-like.

"Ah, must be grapefruit juice", he thought, and drained the glass - apparently felt sick for days.
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 2:00, More)