» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

A friend from back home (shame by association, or something)
was given to sleepwalking when he was young. Apparently one evening his parents had friends for dinner, and while they sat in the kitchen/diner having after-dinner coffee, he came downstairs in a dreamy daze, opened the oven, pissed in it and went back to bed.
(Tue 17th Mar 2009, 21:25, More)

» Pointless Experiments

I thought it was pointless
The other day I experimentally tried to break into a friend's laptop. Surely his Windows password won't be his name... it is. Result.

So I experimentally took a look at his internet history - surely there won't be anything incriminating in there. Everyone knows how to wipe their history, don't they? It turns out that amateurspankings.com, and other such sites, beg to differ.

So actually my experiment wasn't pointless at all! Woo (insert broken pencil joke).
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 16:00, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

My first mobile phone
Inspired by Gunter - I was a late adopter of the mobile phone, in fact I'm quite proud of having grown up without one. I finally got one when I was 17. Despite having waited so long to buy one, I didn't really research my purchase and bought the cheapest. And there was a reason for its cheapness. Oh yes.

For, dear reader, this phone was one of those plue plastic flip-open Motorola jobs, with (gasp!) a QWERTY keyboard on! That bit was pretty ace. BUT; it didn't have a speaker, or a microphone. Yes, you had to plug in the handsfree kit to make, or take, a call. Which led to the following happening ALL THE TIME:

*ring ring* Phone's ringing! Someone wants to talk to me! *ring ring* where is it? *ring ring* (frantically fumbling around in rucksack) *ring ring* Yes! Found it! Now where's *ring ring* the damn handsfree kit... (rummage rummage) *ring ring* here it is! NOOOOO there's a big knot in it... must untangle it *ring ring* AAAAARGH DAMN YOU HANDSFREE KIT KNOT COME UNDONE (fumble fumble fumble fumble) *silence*

Fucksocks, it's gone to answerphone again, meaning I have to spend my hard-earned credit listening to someone's rambling answerphone message, AND ring them back again afterwards.

Despite all that, I actually quite miss it. Length - seven rings before cutoff, I never worked out how to change it to ten.
(Wed 2nd Jul 2008, 14:35, More)

» IT Support

I'm not really ashamed to admit this
I have plugged USB devices into the network port of my PC and spent several minutes trying to work out what's wrong. In my defence I'd forgotten that it has two network ports, and so I assumed that since it was on the network already...

I just love how the ports are just the same width though! Don't know why I find that pleasing... but I do.
(Mon 28th Sep 2009, 15:07, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

*pop*
Don't think so, but I thought I had...

A year or so ago I had the (mis?)fortune to be playing a gig with a band on the Isle of Arran. For those who haven't been, it's chuffing miles away, the other end of a several hour drive and a ferry ride. It's beautiful though, and feels a bit funny in an earth magic kind of way. You feel like you need to watch out for the druids everywhere. Very quiet, cold, one road on the whole island. Brilliant.

Anyway, we arrived, went on a tour of the island, rigged, did the gig, packed the van and off to the ferry (via bed). Heading back on the ferry we feel it start to turn round mid-journey. Because a ferry is huge we're not quite sure if it is turning round - also, we're all very tired and, by now, running on caffeine only. But then we get an announcement; "This is your captain, we have been asked to turn round to make a possible rescue in connection with a boat which went missing last night", or words to that effect. So of course we all head up onto the deck and stand on the rail looking for whatever it is.

Pretty soon the ferry slows down and we realise that the crew have probably seen something. At this point I get my camera out, thinking that if there's an upturned boat/survivor/dead body around, I might as well grab a picture. Since I have a zoom lens, I use it to have a look around with, but someone beats me to it and excited pointing starts, so I point my camera and take a look.

As I catch sight of whatever it is, a woman speaks up from behind us - "oh no, it's a child," she says, and I see that it does indeed appear to be a child in an all-in-one suit, floating face down and presumably very wet, cold and dead. When I saw it, the seriousness of it all hit me and I felt like the lowest of the low for having a camera out. Two thoughts... 1) somewhere there was a family who would shortly be going through hell, and 2) it just didn't seem fair that we were all going to know the fate of their child before they were. I know it sounds cliched, but at that moment, it wasn't. Looking around I could see from the faces of fellow passengers that everyone was feeling the same way - we had all been excited about seeing something, and now the thought that the "something" was someone's dead child left us feeling pretty poor.

Thankfully as the ferry drew near we saw that the suit didn't have anyone in it, though I've no idea what an empty romper suit was doing there - especially as people had apparently gone missing the night before.

My feelings were heightened by the bass player commenting "at least someone's got less Christmas presents to buy this year"... a minute or so *before* we realised that it wasn't a body after all. I managed to restrain myself from throwing him overboard though, insensitive git.

*pop* refers to my b3ta cherry, woo. Er... the girth of our Transit van didn't even touch the sides of the ferry. etc etc
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 14:49, More)