» Nightclubs

I visited a friend in Denmark
and we popped into the only nightclub in the town. Thursday night was the night due to the entry price being approx 5 quid and until 12 it was free beer. Dave told me the plan which was to sip a beer slowly and not go too hard on the free stuff. We kept ourselves amused holding ourselves back minding our own business
at the back of the club, avoiding the attention of the bobfocs

The place was heaving with Peter Shmeichel lookalikes throwing Tuborg gold down there necks like there was no tomorrow. At 12 they were all absolutely bladdered and as soon as the free beer they all pissed off and we had a club full of cameron diaz lookeylikeys to ourselves. The night ended favourably and I was amazed to discover that there had not been any aggro in this town for the last 2 years (a tussle between 2 men which was reported in the local paper).

I returned to Reading and was immediately invited out into town with a group of friends. At the end of the night, I was surrounded by people scrapping and puking everywhere. Finding a girl who would be civil, friendly and up for a bit of fun was not happening. It tainted my view of the UK nightclub scene forever
(Sun 12th Apr 2009, 7:09, More)

» Nativity Plays

wonkey donkey
I was the front of the donkey (theres always someone worse off than yourself). My parents had spent ages making a custom made papier mache donkey head which fitted loosely onto my legendary large bonce.

All I remember was getting half way across, stumbling and the head fell off into the front row. I burst into tears and pissed myself.

Happy days
(Wed 1st Apr 2009, 16:13, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

A man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doctor says "I've got some cream for that"
(Fri 16th Nov 2018, 15:59, More)

» The Boss

Now I'm self employed
I have had a total of 6 bosses in my career and they have been mostly good.

There was one who was a complete and utter cunt and if I saw him in the street I would not hesitate in bludgeoning him to death. My job is very specific and after taking a year out working abroad I came back to the uk to find the job market a bit sparse. I applied for few jobs and only one came up. This guy gave me a load of what I later found out to be bollocks and I ended up working 4 days a week, 13 hours a day on my own running his business whilst he swanned around town in his porsche seducing some old slappers behind his wifes back. Each morning he came in and found something to bollock me about, no matter how well i had done the day before. This became a war of attrition eventually and he got more and more frustrated with the fact that no matter what he threw at me I would laugh it off and ignore his ridiculous demands. Eventually he 'let me go' and gave me 40 minutes notice, thank you very much. What the cunt didn't know was that because I was the only one there I had no one to control me. I could easily pocket money from the till and disguise the evidence. I skimmed off the top for months and he never knew a thing about it. I am not proud of what I did but I do not regret taking the cunt for a ride as he was definitely out to make my life a living hell.

If anyone wants his details I would be happy to give them
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 9:27, More)

» Turning into your parents

changing sides
It is only now that I am starting to realise that maybe my father was right all these years. I rebelled aginst him and all that he stood for when I was younger. I wasn't alone either, my sister felt the same way.

We had many fights over the years and it really pissed him off when his oldest friend became like a second father to me, but what was I to do?!! He abandoned me when I was little and I was bought up by my Aunt & Uncle.

We were reunited when I was older under problematic circumstances and he tried to convince me that he was doing the right thing and had a pretty substantial legacy to pass on to me if I was interested, but I wasn't. I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Anyway, lately I have taken to wearing a shiny black cape and helmet and have been toying with the idea of building a big fuck off moon which can destroy planets.

L Skywalker
(Wed 6th May 2009, 22:12, More)