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Stand by to receive cake!
(Fri 21st Feb 2014, 11:33, More)



(Sat 23rd Feb 2013, 15:43, More)

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» War

Street violence & the world's worst have-a-go hero
One night I was strolling home with a friend after a night out. Up ahead there was a couple having a blazing row in the street; we were going to have to pass them, so I was watching them carefully.

Just as we reached them, the argument appeared to reach a new level, and the bloke suddenly reached behind and whipped out what I assumed was a knife, and was bringing it around towards the woman's face.

Then, to my utter amazement, I find that I've tackled the knife-wielding maniac, and I'm pinning him against the wall by the wrists. He looks totally shocked; I suppose I look fiercer than I really am, especially from about 10cm away. In reality I'm a soft southern bastard who couldn't fight a cold, of course.

We stare at each other for a moment, then both our eyes flick up to the knife. Which, I'm sure you've worked out already, wasn't a knife at all. In fact, what he was holding was a piece of paper, which he was intending to wave accusingly in his partner's face.

So, now I'm stuck. There's really no well-defined protocol for having aggressively attacked a total stranger for what could have been no more than literary criticism. I release his arms, and we gradually back off, with muttered apologies and careful, watchful reassurances. Eventually both groups could go on their way. The last thing I heard as they wandered off was the woman, saying to the man, "See! Now look how you've embarrassed me in front of those people!"
(Fri 1st Jun 2012, 13:48, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

One day many years ago...
I thought it would be a laugh to make a candle in the shape of my cock, and send it to my ex girlfriend. Let her know what she was missing, that kind of caper. Also give her light for MANY hours (modest cough),

At that time I hadn't heard of dental algenate, so I set about making a mould out of plaster. How clever am I, I thought, because when the erection goes down it will shrink and I'll be left with a perfect cast, with no need to make a two-part split mould.

So, I set about it. I immediately hit a problem: plaster of paris takes about 20 minutes to cure, and gets pretty hot while it happens. That's rather distracting, and makes it difficult to maintain a hands-free erection -- despite the "gentleman's literature" I had carefully prepared for this very task.

But eventually the plaster went hard, with at least a semi remaining, so it was time to remove the cast. And here is where I get to the "I'm glad no-one saw me" bit: I found that I had effectively invented fibre-glass, with the pubes on my balls embedded in the plaster. So I'm standing in my room, naked and with about 2kg of rock swinging from my tenderest parts, firmly attached by the hairs.

After trying everything I could, I eventually realised that there was nothing for it but to rip the damn thing off by brute force. Thankfully my house-mates were all out, so didn't hear the agonised primal scream that accompanied this DIY velcro experience.

I ended up with a far-from-impressive candle - like a tea-light that's been left in a hot car - but on the plus side, a beautifully waxed scrotum.
(Wed 2nd Feb 2011, 11:25, More)

» Waste of money

Baby alarm
Bought one of these - she still got pregnant.
(Thu 30th Sep 2010, 15:15, More)

» Easiest Job Ever

Urban Spaceman
One fine Monday morning we turned up for work to discover that the roof had collapsed over the weekend. Unfortunately the ceiling was made of asbestos tiles, so a specialist cleanup team had to be called in. Our boss didn't like the idea of strangers handling our delicate and expensive equipment, so asked for volunteers to properly disconnect it all, ready for decontamination. Since this included wearing an awesome spacesuit, I stepped forward.

It was an odd sensation, knowing that outside your little bubble of safety, the familiar-looking office was filled with invisible death.

Frankly I would have done it for shits and giggles, and was expecting perhaps a pub lunch on the company. Quite surprised to find a 300 bonus at the end of the month, for about an hour spent breathing like Darth Vader and going "beep" at the end of every sentence...

beep!
(Mon 13th Sep 2010, 12:27, More)

» Sex Toys

Roasted Peas in a pod
Many moons ago, I thought it would be a laugh to make a wax candle / dildo in the shape of my cock, and send it to my ex girlfriend. Remind her exactly what she was missing, that kind of caper. And also to give her light for many, many hours, of course (modest cough).

Now at that time I hadn't heard of dental algenate, so I set about making a mould out of plaster. How clever am I, I thought, because when the erection goes down, it will shrink and I'll be left with a perfect cast, with no need for the complexity of a two-part split mould.

So, I set about it. I cut a suitable hole in a plastic tub, edged the hole with sponge for comfort and sealage, positioned the tub on a cabinet which was at the correct poking height. Then I introduced the relevant body parts, and poured in the plaster.

I immediately hit a problem: plaster of Paris takes about 20 minutes to cure, and it's pretty tough to maintain a hands-free erection for that long -- despite the extensive array of "gentleman's literature" I had carefully prepared for this very task, plus about a week of abstinence to ensure a plentiful supply of "back pressure". Plaster also gets pretty hot while it cures, which adds further complexity to the task. At the time I wished that I'd used "quick set" plaster, though as I understand that this gets hot enough to cook with, so in retrospect I got lucky there.

But eventually the plaster went hard, with at least a semi remaining, so it was time to remove the cast. And here is where I get to the "I'm glad no-one saw me" bit: I found that the pubes on my balls were embedded as a rigid matrix in the plaster. I had effectively re-invented fibreglass, or possibly reinforced concrete.

So I'm standing in my room, naked and with about 2kg of rock swinging from my tenderest parts, firmly attached by the hairs. After trying everything I could - which involved blades in far too close proximity to my tenderest flesh - I eventually realised that there was nothing for it but to rip the damn thing off by brute force. Thankfully my house-mates were all out, so didn't hear the agonised primal screams and protracted sobbing that accompanied this DIY velcro experience.

I ended up with a far-from-impressive candle - like a tea-light that's been left in a hot car - but on the plus side, a beautifully waxed scrotum.
(Fri 18th May 2012, 13:49, More)
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