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» Christmas Tales

Thiscunt
Poor old George the local Tesco trolley guy had a mild heart attack on the 22nd Dec*. After being told by his manager repeatedly that working at a large Supermarket chain he will get paid in full and stay at home so he can recover fully he turned up late afternoon Christmas Eve.
“Alright George, after all you've been through just stand politely by the door and explain that we’re shutting we don’t want to exasperate your situation when we all know that you should really be at home recuperating”
At 5 to 5 this guy came up to the door you know the type small, rat faced, lank hair and dishevelled waving a huge black dildo that, well let’s just say not only looked uncommon placed in a customer’s hands but had definitely been well used, almost as if someone had been hacking the bottom of it with Doc Martin boots, he was salivating ,spitting and drooling about the need for baby milk whilst proffering what was evidently a hand full of chocolate coins as payment , now George was getting a bit worried and decided that best thing would be to call for his immediate supervisor which was a good thing to do.
This guy looked like he had a fleet of Honda Accords at the ready and knew a thing about martial arts even though he was slightly less than George’s full height of 5’1” on tip toe, so as Doris the cleaning supervisor makes her way to front doors this guy legs it.
10 minutes later just as George was about to leave he noticed the return of this weirdo customer , as he feared for his life he got Doris to call the police and so they tried to stall him until the community at large could be protected from this evidentially deranged person demanding their names.
He managed to stalled him for a while even giving the names of Dan Germose and Beth Holjonamo, however he made his way in to the night going on to assault who ever knows

George said this guy had a look in eyes like they were in the wrong and that he wished something really bad on them, but after all it was Christmas and this guy probably had his own perspective on how the whole events had unfolded
*he told us this story at the local on Boxing Day**
** Or maybe it NEVER happened at all
(Mon 30th Dec 2013, 21:25, More)

» Utterly Drunk

One year, I forget which, due to my penchant for the odd pint
Anyways. Directly across the road from where I worked was a pub. The first pint cold and clear as a Julian Assange rape charge hit my throat.
“MMmmmmm Cheers” says I
The second is also met with a resounding “Cheers”
The third ”cheers” my Dutch courage flowing I started to converse, stories of Amsterdam Stag Night’s ,Reading Rock Festival & Cayton Bay, Wallis Caravan Park Flowed.
Yet another pint “cheers” followed by pint after pint. Each one greeted with an uproarious “CHEERS”

My paranoia descended all of the male clientele looked like off duty Police Traffic Officers. The sound of Tracey Chapman on the juke box did nothing to help the situation, another pint? What the hell “Cheers” In a master class of humour I decided to take the piss out of bullshitting, self-aggrandising pricks in the pub.

It was at this moment I realised I was Legless.


I bought a bottle of Jim Beam and headed back home, I’d repressed most of these memories. Only way to keep what's left of my sanity. CHEERS
(Thu 14th Feb 2013, 20:13, More)

» Things you can't unsee...

Unfunny pricks using the word "moribund"

(Fri 13th Feb 2015, 19:44, More)

» Things I've gone off

Trying to read this.

(Sun 18th Aug 2013, 10:39, More)

» School Assemblies


First
(Thu 13th Jun 2013, 12:48, More)
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