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» Trouble

High four
When I delivered stuff and such like down South, the traffic was a real problem on the return leg. To avoid the chaos that is known as the A34 northbound at 4:30pm, I sought out a quiet back road that had quaint turns and picturesque location. It also had a hump-back bridge which could barely be taken at 30 without going light. One week I had use of the company 405 and I thought that if I took the bridge at 70mph I should defiantly get some air under the wheels.
The approach to the bridge was a longish straight and I got up to speed and checked the seatbelt. A car was coming the other way but I was confident of making the bridge well before it, so kept on with the challenge. I reached the point of take-off, everything went silent and I distinctly remember looking down on the roof of the other car as I cleared the bridge. The car landed on four wheels quite cleanly and I vacated the area pdq.
Two nights later on the evening news it was reported that a motorist in Oxford had jumped his car over a bridge and left tire marks on the roof of an oncoming vehicle. I had made the news again.
(Tue 8th Sep 2015, 17:10, More)

» Surprise!

He's a cool skateboarder and he's just knocked you over
Coming back from the local disco I often used a skateboard to get home, it was mostly uphill to the disco and going back it was such fun to board it thru the city centre in the early hours. One night I was on my way home and very drunk - you might think it is dangerous to skateboard when hammered but not so - all you do is surf down those hills with carefree abandon, never lost my balance once.
Er...As I was saying, there I was zooming downhill across a wonderful new marble stone surface, thoughtfully prepared by the Council for this very moment when I saw some drunken guy (probably as drunk as me) relieving himself in a doorway. As I approached I began to calculate whether or not I would make it past before he lurched out of the recess. Just as I got near and to the point where it was impossible to stop he did exactly what I feared and blocked my path. I put my hands out and with a mighty shove (I was doing about 10mph) hurled him back into the doorway and kept on boarding down the hill. Naturally I looked back to see him picking himself up and mouthing obscenities but gravity kept me free from harm. My surprise at him getting in the way 2/10. His surprise at being propelled back to the puddle of piss 9/10.
(Mon 8th Apr 2013, 17:43, More)

» Misheard and Misunderstood

Sorry for chatting, I'm English
I found a curious stall at Camden Market that sold keyrings with insects embedded in a clear resin. Mostly tropical species so I bought a Scorpion. After paying I foolishly said that whoever made the trinkets must be brave because some of the creatures were dangerous.
Without the slightest pause and with a heavy Malasian accent the guy screamed at me "BUT THEY ALL DEAD!!!"
(Tue 2nd Sep 2014, 14:18, More)

» Heckles II

Mis - Heckle
Why. only last night I was at the Pub on karaoke night. There was some girl singing her heart out, the song suddenly finished and we heard. "ITS A WOMBLE, ITS A WOMBLE ! ! !" yelled out to the silent pub.
Cue hoots of laughter and the guy saying "Oh fuck, sorry everybody, it all went quiet". It turned out he and his friend were playing one of those quiz machines.
(Fri 13th Jun 2014, 18:23, More)

» Best Childhood Memories

God its a drab fest of replies
Fave child(ish) memory, reaching 15, being allowed a pt-time job at the local Supermarket and earning money! Then one night me and a friend had this idea of hiding behind a hedge and stretching some disused fishing line across a quiet road to a random door knocker. Back behind the hedge we pulled on this line for what seemed like an hour.
"Knock, knock, knock"
"Knock, knock, knock"
"Knock, knock"
"Knock, knock, knock"
Hilarious stuff but no-one answered so I yanked on the line, broke it and we emerged from behind the hedge.
Then this woman screamed "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!??", so we scarpered. A day later the local paper ran this article about how hooligans had played a deadly prank and stretched some line/cable fuggin Destroyers anchor chain etc across a road that could've garrotted a motorcyclist. Bad enough but the best was yet to come.
Cue Saturday morning and I turned up to my Supermarket job. What news awaited? That enraged woman who screamed at us for the prank - I fucking worked with her.
(Wed 17th May 2017, 23:30, More)
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