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» Trouble

High four
When I delivered stuff and such like down South, the traffic was a real problem on the return leg. To avoid the chaos that is known as the A34 northbound at 4:30pm, I sought out a quiet back road that had quaint turns and picturesque location. It also had a hump-back bridge which could barely be taken at 30 without going light. One week I had use of the company 405 and I thought that if I took the bridge at 70mph I should defiantly get some air under the wheels.
The approach to the bridge was a longish straight and I got up to speed and checked the seatbelt. A car was coming the other way but I was confident of making the bridge well before it, so kept on with the challenge. I reached the point of take-off, everything went silent and I distinctly remember looking down on the roof of the other car as I cleared the bridge. The car landed on four wheels quite cleanly and I vacated the area pdq.
Two nights later on the evening news it was reported that a motorist in Oxford had jumped his car over a bridge and left tire marks on the roof of an oncoming vehicle. I had made the news again.
(Tue 8th Sep 2015, 17:10, More)

» Surprise!

He's a cool skateboarder and he's just knocked you over
Coming back from the local disco I often used a skateboard to get home, it was mostly uphill to the disco and going back it was such fun to board it thru the city centre in the early hours. One night I was on my way home and very drunk - you might think it is dangerous to skateboard when hammered but not so - all you do is surf down those hills with carefree abandon, never lost my balance once.
Er...As I was saying, there I was zooming downhill across a wonderful new marble stone surface, thoughtfully prepared by the Council for this very moment when I saw some drunken guy (probably as drunk as me) relieving himself in a doorway. As I approached I began to calculate whether or not I would make it past before he lurched out of the recess. Just as I got near and to the point where it was impossible to stop he did exactly what I feared and blocked my path. I put my hands out and with a mighty shove (I was doing about 10mph) hurled him back into the doorway and kept on boarding down the hill. Naturally I looked back to see him picking himself up and mouthing obscenities but gravity kept me free from harm. My surprise at him getting in the way 2/10. His surprise at being propelled back to the puddle of piss 9/10.
(Mon 8th Apr 2013, 17:43, More)

» Misheard and Misunderstood

Sorry for chatting, I'm English
I found a curious stall at Camden Market that sold keyrings with insects embedded in a clear resin. Mostly tropical species so I bought a Scorpion. After paying I foolishly said that whoever made the trinkets must be brave because some of the creatures were dangerous.
Without the slightest pause and with a heavy Malasian accent the guy screamed at me "BUT THEY ALL DEAD!!!"
(Tue 2nd Sep 2014, 14:18, More)

» Heckles II

Mis - Heckle
Why. only last night I was at the Pub on karaoke night. There was some girl singing her heart out, the song suddenly finished and we heard. "ITS A WOMBLE, ITS A WOMBLE ! ! !" yelled out to the silent pub.
Cue hoots of laughter and the guy saying "Oh fuck, sorry everybody, it all went quiet". It turned out he and his friend were playing one of those quiz machines.
(Fri 13th Jun 2014, 18:23, More)

» Stories of unsurpassed brilliance

Mental Block at the Checkout
On Saturdays I will call in at the Bakers to buy cakes and whatnot and usually be served by the cute assistant. This day the bill was 1.50 and I had the right money - so three 50p's went into her hand.
"It's wrong" she said
"I've given you three 50 pence pieces" I said
"I know - but it's wrong"
"Mmm, that adds up to 1.50 you know"
"Yes I know that does but IT'S WRONG!!!"
That last call was heard throughout the shop, so sensing some kind of breakdown I took her hand and quietly said "Lets count it together then, 50p, 1 and one more makes 1.50"
"Err.. oh yes so it does".
"Thank you Heather".
(Thu 24th Nov 2016, 20:42, More)
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