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This is a question Heckles II

It was my privilege the other month to see a particularly foul and abusive heckler literally chased out of a comedy club by enraged punters. So: Comedy nights, staff meetings, football matches. Tell us of epic or rubbish heckles.

(, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:36)
Pages: Popular, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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Show us your pianist
Rather like the Chubby Brown tale from earlier...

In the late 70s, while at college, I worked part-time as a drinks waiter in one of the last cabaret clubs on the circuit - chicken in a basket, full floor show, bit of dancing etc.

There was a support act on one week called Mike Terry, Liberace-type pianist, looked a bit like Mike Flowers Pops if I remember right. As camp as tits, in a working-class Manchester suburb not really known for its tolerance.

He did a week there and was quite popular, except for the last night where he got constantly heckled by some drunk at the back. He put up with it, but you could see he wasn't that happy.

As he finished, he did the customary round of thanks - management, staff, audience. The last thing he said before he went off was:

'As for you' (nodding towards the heckler at the back), if your cock's as big as your mouth is, I'll see you in the gents afterwards.'

For a second you could have heard a pin drop. Then someone laughed and the place fell apart. Could have gone either way, though.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:43, 5 replies)
Someone shouted a one word heckle at me
"HIGHER!" I can't thank him enough, my best moment on a stage ever.
youtu.be/SMbrCYBIAu8
(, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:48, 3 replies)

I got seated in the front row at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles last year and this right cunt of a comedian was asking everyone one by one what they did for a living and subsequently taking the piss out of each person rather tastelessly. He wasn't all that funny, just mean spirited and was drawing at strings to keep his act together. He made fun of my choice of clothing and then asked me what I did for a living. I promptly lied and told him that I am a comedy scout for HBO looking for new talent and that I had yet to see anything worth writing home about. Audience laughed, he stopped in his tracks, moved on to someone else, got no crowd reaction and ended his set early. Edit: Yeah that's right I said "drawing at strings"
(, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 22:34, 17 replies)
Blue Comedian
apologies - I have paraphrased something I've posted before, but it fits here I think.

A few years ago I was in the quarter final of a new stand up comic competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to win an award and enthusiastic but largely crap try outs such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the latter. I'd seen him in the first round, his act was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas and the like

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

He waited expectantly for at least one audience member to shout back "is it blue?".

One bloke at the back of the pub called back loudly "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act and had to walk off after 3minutes
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:34, 4 replies)
Heckling Jesus
One mid 90s Glastonbury I was wandering around the stalls near the big crossroady-type path when I noticed a small commotion approaching from the rear. Commotions are always worth having a look at there, so I stood among the onlookers to get a better view as it passed.

The commotion turned out to be some born-again group re-enacting (or so I've always assumed) the Stations Of The Cross around the site. A dozen or so outriders, swinging incense baskets, surrounded a suitably loinclothed and thorny-crowned Jesus who was dragging a very solid-looking wooden cross, straining with what must have been considerable effort (it looked like solid oak beams, none of your shit B&Q pine here, thank you).

I can't say I thought it particularly realistic, but they'd obviously put preparation and effort into it (and Jesus certainly seemed to be putting his back into it) so despite my disapproval of all things religious, I had to admit it seemed quite impressive.

Until, that is, a broad Welsh voice directly in front of me said loudly - 'Cheatin' bastard - he's gorra fuckin' wheel on the end!' And indeed, when I craned my neck over his shoulder to have a look, there was a metal bracket screwed onto the base of the cross to which was attached a small pram wheel.

Now I know the cross would have been heavy (it was solid oak, after all) but the sight of Jesus dragging his own instrument of death as sponsored by Mothercare was risible to say the least. The crowd must have agreed - their whole tone suddenly changed, from one of relatively neutral appreciation/interest to outright hostility.

My last memory, before I left the increasing shouts of 'Cheat' and wandered off for another spliff, was of Jesus' eyes flicking from side to side in no small degree of panic, no doubt wondering if his experience of the Crucifixion would become a bit too real for his liking.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:50, 11 replies)
Fuck off QOTW, you're past it.

(, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:59, 2 replies)
Less heckle more audience participation
I saw Sean Lock at Leeds City Varieties, he was alright.

At the interval there was a very drunk Irish man outside who started singing and a lot of people saw him.

When everyone sat back down Sean came back on stage and asked people if they'd had a good interval, and for some unknown reason someone shouted "A drunk Irish man was singing outside!"

Sean Lock said "A drunk Irish man was singing outside? What was he singing?"

The guy that had shouted out didn't answer as I think he realised that he had started a shit story. For some reason, and I still don't know why I did this I thought to myself ""what would a drunk man sing?""

So I just started making very loud slurred noises like "Errbadur boh hup murnur", it was a very convincing drunk man song. Everyone in the theatre laughed and I went bright red and looked at the floor.

Still pretty proud of that though.
(, Sun 15 Jun 2014, 19:30, 6 replies)
less heckling, more weird encouragement
a late uncle of mine, a total pisshead, was always to be found in his local on a sunday night, getting drunk and waiting for the singer to start. when that week's turn started, he'd stand in front of the stage(the middle of the dancefloor) and gently raise and lower his hands and bend his knees to the rhythm, saying "give it the bits, baby!"
nobody knew why, but it certainly threw a few singers off their beat.
(, Sun 15 Jun 2014, 16:02, 9 replies)
Many years ago in the Red Rose Tavern
There were six acts on the Bill, mostly obscure but the final one was Al ‘Pub Landlord’ Murray. There was also a compere and a drunk Scotsman who heckled loudly and obnoxiously throughout the entire intro and first act. Mercifully, he fell into a stupor at some point in the second act so that when the compere (who had had the worst of the abuse) came back on stage to introduce the third act there was a perfect opportunity for revenge.

The compere told the third act to get off and instead brought Al Murray on stage. He then told the crowd that on the count of three the house lights would go up, everyone would cheer and he would say “You’ve been a fantastic audience, that was Al Murray, thank you and good night”. Thus giving the drunk bastard the impression that he had slept through the entire gig. Anyway, it worked like a charm. The lights went up, everyone went crazy and the heckler woke up, grabbed his coat and staggered off into the night. I like to think he got all the way home before wondering why the gig had finished so early.

Later on in the same evening, Al Murray was himself heckled by a daft American bint who seemed to think he really was the pub landlord and couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing at his xenophobic remarks. Lacking all self-awareness and clearly thinking everyone wanted to hear her as much as him, she kept on interrupting until he came back with:

“Listen, love, the difference between you and me is that I know what I’m going to say next”

In the silence that followed, the truth of this remark was made abundantly clear.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 14:00, 2 replies)

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words purple passion written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked ,"What is purple passion?" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal.

The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.

At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.

When his dad got home he said to the boy,"So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion."the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.

As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion,"he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.

The bum said,"I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful,"the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.
Source(s):
The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said,"What were the words?" The boy replied,"Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.

The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."

The judge said,"What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.



Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."

Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said,"Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.

The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said,"You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."

"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes,"the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."

The man was estatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
(, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 13:39, 16 replies)

Sarah Millican was doing a warm-up for the Edinburgh Fringe a few years ago and was testing out some of her new material. Part of this was a section in the middle where she was talking about gender stereotypes. She asked several women in the audience for examples of things that men weren't good at and got the standard "multi-tasking", "commitment" and "ask for directions" responses, and despite the predicatbility of the answers she managed to eke out some amusing piss-taking. She then asked the men in the audience what sort of things /women/ couldn't do, and there was a lot of giggling and muttering before a chap in front of me put his hand up and shouted "brevity".

There wasn't much that she could say to that.
(, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 18:41, 2 replies)
Heckling the audience
I was at a comedy cabaret type affair, and behind me was a group that included a girl who, it appeared, had no discernable sense of humour. The first couple of acts she didn't enjoy much, which was apparent from her comments. But the third act really got to her.

It was Mac McDonald, famous as Captain Hollister from Red Dwarf. Now I have to say it wasn't a great act; all I remember about it was him stuffing bread into his mouth. But I wasn't really able to pay attention, as I had the constant whine of her complaints directly behind my left ear the whole time. "I don't think this is funny." "I don't find this funny at all." "Why would anyone find this funny?" etc etc etc.

Eventually, he finished, left the stage, and there was a momentary pause. "Well I think - " began the girl, but before she could continue I turned around and, in a loud voice, said "Yes love, I think the whole room knows what you think by now, so could you please shut the fuck up now?"

There was a cheer from many of the punters around her, but that was as nothing compared to the howls of derisive laughter from the people she was actually with. For the rest of the show, they wouldn't let her say a single word.
(, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 9:06, 11 replies)
pea please bob
Not a heckle as such but involves a putdown. Best I've got right now.

I was in a rather posh eaterie recently with 20 or so people who were all good friends celebrating a birthday - i'm the new bloke here so was feeling slightly awkward but was doing my best to integrate.

one guy clearly fancied himself as the alpha male, huge big bloke with a shaven head. (i'm a short stocky glaswegian) So alpha male is generally a bit pissed and acting up - in front of everyone, out of the blue he suddenly looks me in the eye and goes...

"so Spimf whats it like to suck a dogs cock?"

silence falls across the table

"dunno mate - have you asked your mum?"

(i swear someone gasped in the background)

alpha male leaps up and bellows

"my mum died when i was only seven you bastard!"

"yeah? what happened, choked on a dogs cock did she?"

then in my best attempt at Joe Pesci...

"fuck you ya bald cunt - I'm not buying that. sit down and drink your fucking malibu"

thankfully for me it would seem his mother is alive and well







i think she works at battersea dogs home
(, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:42, 9 replies)
SHITCLOWN
Shitclown. Shitclown.

Wake. Shock. Mirror. Is that me. That is me. Shitclown. Shitclown. Grab bottle. Drink. Drink gulp swallow gulp gasp surging bliss relief. Pain. Pain below. Deep sharp in guts. Again. This again. Run. Run to toilet. Sit and shit. Diarrhoea everywhere. Splashing the walls. Bare feet wet. Shit, Shitclown, SHIT! All you can do now. Shitclown. Shitclown.

You can't even cry anymore. Shitclown.

Big top. Empty. Dark. A cavernous space. Stand, Shitclown, and remember. Remember the laughter. Remember the laughter and applause that came after. Now? Now? NOW?! NOW?

Nothing now. Nothing. Drink. Shit. Drink. Shit. Shitclown. Drink. Shit.

Die. PLEASE soon. PLEASE soon. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE soon. Oh please.

But and suddenly but but there... here... *she* is. Sparkling spangles glitter, silver tiara princess, alabaster unicorn. Above you she rides, Shitclown. So high above. Does she see you?

No. Once, she glanced at you, then looked away. It was enough. Enough to make you love.

Now? Nothing now.

Back to the van. Smell of shit. But plenty bottles. So drink. Drink Shitclown drink.

Cos you are shit, Shitclown. Shit. And soon you will be dead.

SHITCLOWN. SHITCLOWN.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 19:52, 12 replies)
Mis - Heckle
Why. only last night I was at the Pub on karaoke night. There was some girl singing her heart out, the song suddenly finished and we heard. "ITS A WOMBLE, ITS A WOMBLE ! ! !" yelled out to the silent pub.
Cue hoots of laughter and the guy saying "Oh fuck, sorry everybody, it all went quiet". It turned out he and his friend were playing one of those quiz machines.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 18:23, 2 replies)
I was at camp bestival a couple of years ago and visited the comedy tent
The comedian was telling jokes that sort of left a pause, then he would hit you with the punchline. he wasnt receiving many laughs and wasnt that funny. After about 5 minutes into his act, a young boy of about 9 or 10 started standing up during the pause the comdian left, shouting out the punchline and then sitting back down again, much to everybodys amusement. It turns out he had watched the same comedian the evening before and remembered a lot of the jokes. The comedian had no control over the situation and began to get embarrassed and slightly angry. In the end, he'd had enough and said something along the lines of "If you can do this better than me then be my guest", at which point the kid got up, and pulled from his pocket a joke book. The crowd was in stitches as the boy told joke after joke from his book, while the comedian quietly shuffled off the stage.
I couldn't believe that I had seen a fully grown man heckled off stage by a ten year old child. What a low point of the poor chaps career...Bloody hilarious though.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 12:20, 6 replies)
I was going to post this as a comment to the story below about Bill Hicks but felt it warrented its own airing.
I took my Dad to see Ken Dodd a few years ago. Doddy's age is showing a little more these days but he's still a great comedian from an age that we won't see again. Show usually go on for 5 hours...

Anyway, I got front row seats in the hope that Doddy would pick on my old man. Sadly, there was a bloke next to me who Doddy had discovered was from Wigan, so he spent most of his time making fun out of him.

When he asked the guy what he did for a living, the audience member (without breaking stride) said "I'm a tax accountant".

Doddy, with his well-documented history of tax problems, tottered visibly and said "By Jove! You're not are you?"

The bloke just said "no" and laughed.

Doddy muttered something like "ooo, you little rotter" or something equally lovely and gave a big goofy grin. Shook hands with the bloke at the end too. Good old Ken.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 11:00, 8 replies)
I once went to a stand up comedy night at the end of a stag do.
I was surprisingly sober at the end of the night due to the sneaky cunt of a cunt who had the whip getting him and his sidekick cheeky shots of tequila with every round. Anyway. That's the reason I can remember the following exchange at the end of the night.

Act- Unfunny joke, unfunny joke, slightly witty comment referring to something he said 10 minutes earlier that the majority of the pissed up crowd have forgotten.'

Wag at the back- 'Hurry up and get to the funny stuff mate, I want to catch the last tube.'

Act- Oh blimey, I see the council are doing their care in the community night tonight. If I'd have known I'd have put some orange squash out and some crayons and a colouring book under your chair.'

Wag- Still waiting. Can you give us a rough ETA on a punchline?'

Act- Sorry about this everyone, I'd thought this might happen, His Mum warned me that he'd be tonight and he'd left his medication at home. At least I think that's what she said, I couldn't quite make it out as she had a trucker's cock in her mouth, and I couldn't really read her body language as I was behind her with the camera.'

-general 'hahaha, he's done you there from the rest of the boozed up crowd-

Act- 'Do you want to carry on? I get paid to do this and can do it all night.'

Wag- 'That's exactly what Your mother said to ME last night. I didn't have a camera, but I did have my cock in her arse.'

-Slightly louder hahaha, he's done you there from the rest of the boozed up crowd-

Wag- And she owes me two pound fifty in change you cunt.'
(, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 20:58, 2 replies)


(, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 17:01, 4 replies)
Rubbish Heckling in the Bakery
I don't know if this really fits in with the question, as there was no comedy club involved; but here goes.

Many years ago, I worked the odd weekend on the night shift at a bakery.
It was pretty boring work, making up orders for the various shops and loading them onto vans (sometimes even getting to decorate the Chelsea buns with the jizz icing).

We worked hard most of the time but, sometimes, when the vans were out and the cakes were still in the ovens, we had time on our hands.

Now, being a bakery, we would often find the odd mouse. We used "humane" traps to catch them and would generally just put them outside.
We would, however, keep a pair back, sometimes, and race them. This involved building an obstacle course round the back storeroom and betting on our mice.

A straight race was pretty boring, so we would sometimes try to heckle our opponent's mouse by shouting and even throwing currents etc. at them, to put them off.

Anyway. This time I decided that there was no way that my mouse would lose and I went to throw a pound bag of currents on the other mouse. Unfortunately, I tripped and poured them on my mouse. It stopped dead, looked me in the eye, charged and bit me on the ankle.

To cut a long story short, I pissed off my own mouse.
(, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 0:19, 18 replies)
I went to a pantomime and the heckling was really monotonous.
"He's behind you!"

The actors on the stage would have none of it and insisted that he wasn't behind them. I forget the rest and missed a lot of the show because Tony spilt Ki-ora on my dungarees and made me cry.
(, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 12:51, 13 replies)
I was 17, final year at school
in the canteen in the FE college next to school because they allowed smoking, so place full of rougher kids than us, and some older types trying to catch up on an education. One very annoying kid nicknamed Head going on about his weekend, with everybody and anybody trying to get him off the subject of his boast about his hanging out with a band and he was reaching the highlight of the night "and I managed to get off with this totally fit 21 year old." I made eye contact with him and saw the look of hope in his face as I made to ask him a question which he hoped would be about who it was, or what she was like. "What was HIS name?" I asked loudly and with a straight face. The whole canteen burst into laughter. He went red and shut the fuck up.
(, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 13:31, 13 replies)
Skiing
Sometimes you spontaneously hit the spot and it works way better than you ever expected.

I was skiing with my cousin and her dickhead friends who were being dickheads and generally annoying doing stupid stuff putting themselves and other skiers at risk. They were also trying to get me to join in, badgering me all day until,

Dude, "What's the matter? Haven't you got any hair on your balls?"

Me, "Nah, I shaved them off because they made your Gran's throat itch"

Dude, ..... (looks at me in stunned silence)

Me, "What?"

Dude, "That's f**n' sick man...." (lost for words and mercifully silent thereafter)
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 13:12, 1 reply)

At a Rangers match a few years ago. The Rangers fans started singing "There's only 2 Andy Gorams". It had been in the newspaper that morning that he had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 12:38, 4 replies)
I remember going to see Easy Rider, and someone shouted out "Oi Pete - are you a dick?!" with impeccable timing, just as the actor was about to deliver the line "Yes"
I was very impressed at this staged Fonda accord.
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 9:53, 1 reply)
The great Jack Dee
At the Wyvern in Swindon. Some slightly drunk girl shouts "Are you coming down the Brunel Rooms with us afterwards?".

JD stops his routine. "What's that, then?"

"It's a club!"

JD adopts his trademark sneer. "Only Swindon would name a night club after an engineer."
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 6:23, 3 replies)
Look, it's a baked potato.

(, Tue 24 Jun 2014, 9:06, 3 replies)


(, Mon 23 Jun 2014, 18:25, 1 reply)
void MassiveWasteOfTime()
{
    cout << "Blah, ";
    while(rand() > 0)
    {
        cout << "blah, ";
    }
    cout << "blah.\n\n";
    cout << "tl;dr: Fuck you.\n";
}
(, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 14:40, 1 reply)
all of you
Go on, fuck off, the lot of you.
(, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 13:54, 2 replies)

This question is now closed.

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