Sheep rooting lesbiansTry this ... I started shagging my supposedly lesbian scottish flatmate. Things degenerated from there as she became a the crazy manic obsessive possesive bitch from hell.
After throwing my entire uni years (and plenty of love juice) on her, I announced I was buggering off on a big long voyage, never to return again. At this point she tried to convince me that I should stay with her by smashing/slashing/burning every item in my possesion.
Three months into my travels, i was unwinding in front of a spectacluar sunset on a beach in Ghana with a suitably spectacular spliff the size of texas when two hands slip around my eyes from behind accompanied by a very familiar voice saying 'guess who?'. From paradise to hell in an instant.
To cut a long story short, many months went by, every african post office i went to held wads of letters for me containing page after page of psycho-babble which i duly discarded. Eventually I ended up in a small town in New Zealand feeling removed, cut-off and safe from intrusion by mad scottish lesbians. Not so, a friend of mine passed my address on and sure enough she turned up on my doorstep one year to the day after the Ghana episode expecting me to welcome her with open arms.
What has all this to do with flatmates from hell? I'm getting there. I let her sleep on the couch with the aggreement that it was for a week only and that she should bugger off and never occupy the same local space as me in this life or the next. Three months later, she's shagging my previously heterosexual fine beer-drinking man-shagging female flatmate... and she didn't even invite me.
I return from work one day to find my belongings on the front lawn.
Leave town, leave the country, leave no forwarding address.
She surely has to go down as THE flatmate from hell.
To use a local expression: ya bloody sheep-rootin' lesbians
(,
Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:48,
archived)
After throwing my entire uni years (and plenty of love juice) on her, I announced I was buggering off on a big long voyage, never to return again. At this point she tried to convince me that I should stay with her by smashing/slashing/burning every item in my possesion.
Three months into my travels, i was unwinding in front of a spectacluar sunset on a beach in Ghana with a suitably spectacular spliff the size of texas when two hands slip around my eyes from behind accompanied by a very familiar voice saying 'guess who?'. From paradise to hell in an instant.
To cut a long story short, many months went by, every african post office i went to held wads of letters for me containing page after page of psycho-babble which i duly discarded. Eventually I ended up in a small town in New Zealand feeling removed, cut-off and safe from intrusion by mad scottish lesbians. Not so, a friend of mine passed my address on and sure enough she turned up on my doorstep one year to the day after the Ghana episode expecting me to welcome her with open arms.
What has all this to do with flatmates from hell? I'm getting there. I let her sleep on the couch with the aggreement that it was for a week only and that she should bugger off and never occupy the same local space as me in this life or the next. Three months later, she's shagging my previously heterosexual fine beer-drinking man-shagging female flatmate... and she didn't even invite me.
I return from work one day to find my belongings on the front lawn.
Leave town, leave the country, leave no forwarding address.
She surely has to go down as THE flatmate from hell.
To use a local expression: ya bloody sheep-rootin' lesbians
cake decoratingQuite a hard act to follow that one.
I went to Uni with this bloke who one day went to cook a 'cake-in-a-tin'. He put it on the hob in the pan with the required water. Several hours later (we were all tucked up in bed) there was an almighty explosion from the kitchen. My mate went into the kitchen to find all the walls and the ceiling covered in Chocolate cake. A hole in the ceiling were the can had hit, dents in the cooker from the explosion and a knackered saucepan on the floor. We all found this very amusing.
Now the obvious thing to do would have been to clean it up before it dried and became impossible to shift. Didn't happen. Several weeks later a very irrate caretaker finally caught up with my mate, the kitchen had to be repainted.
(,
Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:43,
archived)
I went to Uni with this bloke who one day went to cook a 'cake-in-a-tin'. He put it on the hob in the pan with the required water. Several hours later (we were all tucked up in bed) there was an almighty explosion from the kitchen. My mate went into the kitchen to find all the walls and the ceiling covered in Chocolate cake. A hole in the ceiling were the can had hit, dents in the cooker from the explosion and a knackered saucepan on the floor. We all found this very amusing.
Now the obvious thing to do would have been to clean it up before it dried and became impossible to shift. Didn't happen. Several weeks later a very irrate caretaker finally caught up with my mate, the kitchen had to be repainted.
Wow, where to begin?!Bad Housemates - I've had a few...
Number 1 - shared accomodation the first year...15 people in a big house. One of them happened to be a paranoid schitzophrenic
He thought we were communicating with him through secret messages on the doors - to the point that he nearly beat someone up over it. He used to beg and grovel for weed (which he smoked 24/7) if u had any - and then come and steal it anyway. He used to go outside at 3am and kick bins and concrete bollards around while muttering loudly.
He used to threaten everyone - until he picked on the wrong person and i came back to find him cowering in the corner surrounded by about 8 pissed off rugby players!
The last straw came when he punched one of my housmates in the face and then jumped on a table howling. he then threatened to have one of the girls raped, scratched someones car with his keys and dissapeared into the night...got a few mystery phone calls from him - but seeing as i only know one person with a strong brum accent its not so mysterious really.
House Number 2
Moved in with my best freinds...
1 - boy went completely off the rails - doing loads of ket and coke - started sleeping with the dealer before landing himself in lots of debt. we had people knocking on the door screaming WHERE's XXXX I'LL RIP HIS FUC*ING FACE OFF!!!
2. My best freind and his freind ... lovely people initially - but they were toffs and needed a mother too look after them - if i didnt clean then the kitchen would look like withnails, the living room would have rubbish piled up to ur knees and the bathroom would smell of piss and shit...they also developed a bit of a coke addiction and become the most unpleasant arrogant cranberry ive ever met.
3. my (soon to be) ex. turned out she was a total junkie - constantly boshing pills, speed and ket - on a permenant comedown - also had the heater on 24/7 so she left us with an gas bill of over £1000 for the year before she finally ran out and didnt pay anything.
She slept with the gas man - and anyone else who was stupid enough to put it in her...she left a bloody tampon on the floor, her cd player was broken and would loudly loop 20 seconds of one particular song for days at a time. She invited smackheads round to the flat - including one that decided that they were going to move in for a few days - and so nicked our backdoor key. Her freinds also spat on me and nicked food.
Worst of all...after sleeping with the whole of the city and managing to catch herpes - she told me that I'd given it to her - which lead to 2 years of HELL - Until I was finally told by a number of doctors that I was totally clean!
I now live with some delightful chinese housemates who appologise if they don't have a DVD that i want to borrow...much better - but the grey hairs aren't going to dissapear from those 2 years...
(,
Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:07,
archived)
Number 1 - shared accomodation the first year...15 people in a big house. One of them happened to be a paranoid schitzophrenic
He thought we were communicating with him through secret messages on the doors - to the point that he nearly beat someone up over it. He used to beg and grovel for weed (which he smoked 24/7) if u had any - and then come and steal it anyway. He used to go outside at 3am and kick bins and concrete bollards around while muttering loudly.
He used to threaten everyone - until he picked on the wrong person and i came back to find him cowering in the corner surrounded by about 8 pissed off rugby players!
The last straw came when he punched one of my housmates in the face and then jumped on a table howling. he then threatened to have one of the girls raped, scratched someones car with his keys and dissapeared into the night...got a few mystery phone calls from him - but seeing as i only know one person with a strong brum accent its not so mysterious really.
House Number 2
Moved in with my best freinds...
1 - boy went completely off the rails - doing loads of ket and coke - started sleeping with the dealer before landing himself in lots of debt. we had people knocking on the door screaming WHERE's XXXX I'LL RIP HIS FUC*ING FACE OFF!!!
2. My best freind and his freind ... lovely people initially - but they were toffs and needed a mother too look after them - if i didnt clean then the kitchen would look like withnails, the living room would have rubbish piled up to ur knees and the bathroom would smell of piss and shit...they also developed a bit of a coke addiction and become the most unpleasant arrogant cranberry ive ever met.
3. my (soon to be) ex. turned out she was a total junkie - constantly boshing pills, speed and ket - on a permenant comedown - also had the heater on 24/7 so she left us with an gas bill of over £1000 for the year before she finally ran out and didnt pay anything.
She slept with the gas man - and anyone else who was stupid enough to put it in her...she left a bloody tampon on the floor, her cd player was broken and would loudly loop 20 seconds of one particular song for days at a time. She invited smackheads round to the flat - including one that decided that they were going to move in for a few days - and so nicked our backdoor key. Her freinds also spat on me and nicked food.
Worst of all...after sleeping with the whole of the city and managing to catch herpes - she told me that I'd given it to her - which lead to 2 years of HELL - Until I was finally told by a number of doctors that I was totally clean!
I now live with some delightful chinese housemates who appologise if they don't have a DVD that i want to borrow...much better - but the grey hairs aren't going to dissapear from those 2 years...