NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 107: "TOM BAKER SWEARS. LIVE IN YOUR INBOX"
This Week:
* B3TA KIDS - A link for the toddlers
* OLD GAME SPESH - Three retro games spazzed up
* POTTERY - Lionel Richie tribute in clay
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 107 - 3 Oct 2003
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http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue107/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Frankenstein's Monster <<
Mr Wheatley has been riffing on the legend of
Frankenstein and come up with this amusing
variation. The style is quite unusual for flash,
with a nice pay off too.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/barnabystales.ht...
>> Mixmaster Woof <<
"This is my dog Jack," chirrups Geoff,
"The picture is really him and the barking
sounds are his voice." Yay. Got a few giggles
from us. Do any of our other readers have
such talented pets?
http://www.substanceoverform.com/misc/jackdog.html
>> Wobbly drawings <<
"I have just put together a little site,"
coos Amaryllis, "showing the collection of
animations I have made." Gosh. These aren't
belly laughs but the technique is simply charming.
http://www.sketchyanimation.com/
>> French pop <<
"Alors!" gesticulates Sev, "remember the toy
dog singing disgusting French pop? We've made
another one singing a beautiful James Brown
song." We love the summery style on this. Huzzah
for Europe. Where would we be without it?
http://www.magentaprod.com/machineasex.ram
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: B3TA KIDS
Send this link to a small child
>> Octopus's Garden <<
"I've made a cartoon for my daughter,"
confides Darryn.R, "based around the Beatles
song Octopus's Garden."
We asked the nicecupofteaandasitdown
children what they thought:
"Thumbs up from the boys," writes TheWife,
"they interrupted their bedtime story to watch
it."
"George (age 3) observed that you don't get
flowers or birds under the sea, but you can get
monsters. Art (age 2) bopped and thinks the
octopus is huge. Can they have Maxwell's Silver
Hammer next?"
http://www.darlingonline.com/garden.html
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: RETRO GAME RE-MAKE CORNER
This week b3ta people have been remaking old
games in their inimitable style.
>> Luna Lander <<
"I've made a Lunar Lander clone," bleeps
Chad, "cleverly titled Asteroid Lander."
Yay. This looks utterly lovely and is
extraordinarily tricky to play.
http://oakenfold.ca/content/spaceship.html
>> DHTML Boulderdash <<
Following on from the recent web hit DHTML
Lemmings, Gareth Williams brings you his
version of the rock dodging classic
Boulderdash.
http://www.boulderdash.co.uk
>> Asteroids with Cocks <<
Thanks to Mr Wheatley for updating gaming
classic Asteroids with the cunning addition
of burps and penises.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/spacecocks.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF #1
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Tom Baker swears <<
Yay. We hear that Doctor Who is coming back on
telly. Of course it'll be shit and and annoy
all the fans. Duh. But fuck that. For this is
a golden age: the moment of perfect anticipation
before disappointment. Celebrate in style
with these outtakes of Tom Baker doing v/o on
an advert. Favourite line? "Are you sure this
is not a translation from the fucking Albanian?"
A showbiz trouper until the last. We salute Tom.
http://snurl.com/2jto
>> Lionel Richie clay head <<
Remember the video to Hello? The nice blind
lady modelled Lionel's head in clay. How
romantic. This man attempts to do the same.
But he's crap at pottery. The final result
is beautifully cack-handed - looking like
a monster from Buffy.
http://www.macalester.edu/~harman/lionel/
>> Bear on a trampoline <<
Yay for animal interest stories. This
poor bear got stuck up a tree. The best
way to get him down? Apparently shooting
him with a tranquilizer dart and letting him
fall onto a trampoline! Oh - we're saying
too much. Watch the mpeg.
http://www.komotv.com/qt/bouncing_bear.mpg
>> Gaming nostalgia vid <<
Weren't the 80s great? If we weren't snorting
Tip-Ex thinner, we were phoning up the operator
and singing Sade songs. Relive the decade with
old arcade game jump animations set to the
synth rock of Van Halen. Mighty.
http://www.powerstrike.net/Tehkan/mamejump.html
>> "Please hold" voice-over megamix <<
This is utterly great. Don't ask us why.
It kept us giggling for about 10 minutes
playing with all the options. ...and even offers
a wealth of agricultural haulage solutions.
http://www.pleasehold.co.uk/musicvoice.htm
>> Social hygiene poster <<
Teenagers eh? If they aren't carjacking
BMXs or injecting marijuana into their
spines, they're spunking spunk sauce onto
their bedsheets. This 1920s US health poster
knows the score. BTW: If you cover the chin
with your thumb - he looks like Gary Barlow.
Try it. That's interactive entertainment.
http://digital.lib.umn.edu/IMAGES/reference/swhp/S...
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: FUNNY FOREIGN NAME CORNER
One thing the web throws up is people with
stupid names. Last year the kids were going
wild for Randy Bender. This year? Let us
introduce you to your new heroes:
>> Martin Wank <<
Want something to read? Try "Sex, Freud and
Folly" from Martin Wank. The Amazon reviews
are pretty much what you'd expect: "With this
seminal work, the author demonstrates his firm
grasp of the subject. Although he tosses off
the occasional cliche..." Etc. Etc.
http://snurl.com/2jrz
>> Gaye Males <<
Not much info on the site but apparently she's
got "eighteen years experience and professional
approach with clients." Hoorah for Gaye Males.
We adore Gaye Males. Etc. Etc.
http://www.coldwellbankerpbr.com/males/
BTW: Honourable mention must go to David
Lynch's assistant, Gaye Pope.
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: SITES IN BRIEF #2
More stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Gallery of "misused" quotation marks <<
This is old but gold. A catalogue of
inappropriately used quotation marks.
Manages to make most things sound like
some sort of disgusting euphemism.
Despite this, our favourite one?
"No dogs" permitted.
http://www.juvalamu.com/qmarks/
>> Comb-over gallery <<
Bored of mullets? We hope you are. That was so
Grand Royal '92. The hip kids are clicking
on the comb-overs now. Next year? Nostril hair.
http://www.combovers.co.uk/gall5.html
>> ShockCase (tm) <<
Last week we brought you the briefcase that
doubled as body armour. This issue's
'briefcase of the week' delivers a 50,000
volt shock to thieves via a remote control.
Shame it looks like something Adrian Mole
would have taken to school. Or is that
just a cunning ruse?
http://www.espymall.com/remconshocbr.html
>> Greenpeace ad <<
"Check out this latest Greenpeace film,"
brags Lale Gurel of Greenpeace, "about how
to ward off an alien." Blimey - a corporate
viral thing that's actually funny. Features
Eddie Izzard, which may be why.
http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/aliens/watch.htm
>> Hypnotic wankfest <<
When a man buys a graphics tablet the first
thing he draws is a penis. Posh kids that buy
Flash animate them to full wanking glory.
Yay - for this is web creativity at its finest.
http://www.otogai.com/gallery/masterbater.swf
>> Make your own iPod <<
Are you too povo to buy an iPod? We're not.
We've got a whole house built of iPod bricks.
Want to be like us? Simply print out this
page and wrap it round a fag packet. You'll
get so much sex you'll literally explode.
http://www.mijnkopthee.nl/images/cheap_ipod.jpg
>> Teddy bear toy <<
Imagine a world where you could pile
teddy on teddy in a huge triangular formation
and then topple them like cards. Imagine not.
Live your dream of teddy bear Valhalla:
http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Conjoined Celebrity Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted badly glued together celebs,
and we weren't disappointed:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/conjoined/
We asked b3ta boarder 'popt_art' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Ms Art writes -
#1 "Shakin' Stephen Hawkings - It really does
make you wonder, just what was behind that
green door? Actually, I'd love to hear a
Shakey song done in Stephen Hawkings voice.
(VampireMonkeyOnSpeed)
http://b3ta.com/board/2070935
#2 "Arafatboy Slim - Out of over 1170 images,
one of a handful that actually made me laugh
out loud.. (Okeechobee)
http://b3ta.com/board/2045631
#3 "Kenneth William Shatner - Matron!!!!" (stefd)
http://b3ta.com/board/2049887
"Oh, and this is a pretty awful photoshop, carried
out with massive aplomb that made me laugh
like a loon. Respect to Mr. Sheep and the
Michael Bolton Wanderers"
http://b3ta.com/board/2060921
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, a shadowy black-clad figure crept up
behind us, held a thousand year old hand-wrought
blade to our throat and gently whispered "Ninjas"
before slipping back into the darkness.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ninjas/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DIALOGUE-BASED ANIMATED COMEDY - it's tricky
to pull off but if you crack it then, quite
frankly, the world will beat a path to your
door. Using dirty great piles of cash to do it.
* LEGO FUCK MACHINES - every other type of
porn has been done. Well not bukkake.
Hmmm. Lego bukkake...
* AMAZON API STUFF - there's a ton of
data to mess with. Codey types: Have a
think about this stuff. It's all to play for.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Hugh Janus with
Ullick McHunt.
Links sent in by Kirsty Jardine, Zombiemonkey,
Paul Harper, Jon F, dustjunky, acidman,
Grey Triggerfish, Kimbal, Brendan Collins
and Scott Randall.
Top tippery from WhoElse.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the remixed b4ta badgers. (70385)
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TOP TIP:
If someone in your household has a flu, reduce
the risk of infection for others by leaving half
a fresh onion about. Apparently it'll draw the
bacteria out of the air. Something to do with
sugars, we're told. Replace as needed.
Alternatively, you could just slaughter them
and burn their carcasses in your lounge.
