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This Week:
* WEEBL - Bonjour Monsieur
* CALENDAR - Naked MPs
* GAME - Shuffle the Penguin

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 116 - 19 Dec 2003

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  This is the final newsletter of 2003. And it's
  a bloody good one. It's packed with links to
  keep you busy over the break. And if you get
  bored? Make us something cool for the next
  issue on Jan 9th 2004. Enough babble, here's
  the good stuff:


  French, Naked MPs, Specs, Monkeys

  >> Bonjour monsieur <<
  Jonti's star is rising by the second. First
  there was Weebl and Bob, then Badgers took
  over the world, and now? A French-influenced
  bit of brightly coloured europop. We
  particularly like the way Jonti has reduced the
  the art of song-writing to the repetition of
  one word. We throw the word genius at him and
  he just shrugs and mutters.

  >> Naked MP calendar <<
  Want to know what's happening inside the House
  of Commons this afternoon? All the MPs are
  going, "Fucking hell. Have you seen that naked
  MP calendar on the web? They've made old
  Prescott look like a right twat. And Portillo.
  I didn't realise he was a bottom." Thank sickboy
  for this bit of aceness.

  >> Spectacle quiz <<
  Think you know your glasses? Then put it to
  the test with Dr. A's update of Rob Manuel's
  Name That Beard format. Dr. A writes, "Despite
  the mild spoofing of Sale of the Century, I
  have carefully avoided any references to Nicholas
  Parsons regardless of the inherent comedy value.
  This is because he was rude to one of my friends
  when he was little. Cunt."

  >> Johnny Cash tribute <<
  In 2003 we said goodbye to the boy named Sue,
  Mr Johnny Cash. Santexo pays tribute in the only
  way he can: with monkeys. Oddly touching,
  especially towards the end. Much like our
  Uncle Clarence.


  Best tunes of 2003
  On this week's B3ta Radio we'll playing the
  best tunes made by b3ta people this year.

  Also we're doing a Top 25 links thingie.

  It's going to rock. Tune in.


  Skip this bit if you're bored of seasonal stuff.

  B3TA people have been making fuckloads of
  Christmas themed material this week. Here are
  our favourites.

  >> Penguin game <<
  "I've built a game," writes Paul, "called Shuffle
  the Penguin. Just get as many penguins down the
  hole in a row to get a high score." Woo. This
  is a class bit of work. We don't deserve it.

  >> Alternative Nativity <<
  "I made an alternative to the school nativity
  play," says Matt, "you know, the one we were
  all made to act in at school... (I was a sheep
  once)." Yay. Nice pay off on this one.

  >> Worst Christmas song medley <<
  Think you know how bad Xmas songs are? Thank God
  you don't live in Phil Price's head where they
  loop for all eternity while small pigs jig like
  broken clockwork toys.

  >> Kittens on crucifixes <<
  "Weeeee!", screams Joel, "I've made an
  offensive-to-christians rock'n'roll Christmas
  card thingy!" On pointing out to Joel that
  Jesus was actually crucified at Easter he said,
  "I quite like the way it's seasonally
  inappropriate. What's Christmas all about
  after all, if not rock music and crucified
  Godchild kittens?" Yes, quite.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Marketing errors <<
  We all heard the recent story of Sharwoods'
  campaign to brand its sauce as Punjabi word for
  "arse". This site collects the best of similar
  gaffes over recent years. It's gold we tell you.
  If you don't love the fact that in Chinese,
  the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'
  good" came out as "eat your fingers off" then
  frankly you're a big poo.

  >> Star Trek wedding <<
  Girls! What did you dream of when you were
  a child? Growing up and marrying a Klingon
  on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise?
  In Vegas everything is possible. BTW: We
  would LOVE to see more photos of this
  wedding. Can anyone help?

  >> Blobby woo game <<
  Describing games is tough. Normally we resort
  to the simple trick of "it's Tetris meets
  Eastenders. Dirty Den plays a mean L shaped
  block with a grudge..." But for this we're lost
  for words. All we know is that it's blobby,
  it's wooey and it's a whole damn multiplayer
  bang-bus of of fun.

  >> Naked chick body-paint party <<
  "I've found this site with loads of ladies
  having airbrush fun and I'm fascinated,"
  writes Ali, "I want to go to this magic place and
  be painted myself!" So do we Ali. So do we.

  >> Caravanners Are People Too <<
  "We are launching a campaign to secure equality
  and respect for caravanners", writes Bobanddenise,
  "We are sick of the envy and jealousy that plagues
  the caravanning community and we are fighting back."
  Ok this is all a put-on, but we sound several
  laughs here. Expect to see this winding up
  the gullible for months to come.

  >> A policeman with a sense of humour <<
  This site asks you to fill in a form if you've
  committed a crime and wait for the police to
  come and arrest you. Fair enough we thought.
  Someone has made a funny form. But no. This
  is actually on a real police website. Ok -
  they are having a laugh but it's all a bit odd
  isn't it? Policemen aren't meant to be endearing.

  >> Windows 1.0 <<
  Windows. Like it or lump it most of us are
  stuck with it on a daily basis. But you
  probably haven't ever seen the first version
  from back in 1985. It's like seeing photos
  of Hitler as a baby.

  >> German toilets <<
  Can anyone tell us why German toilets have
  a shit plate that catches the turds? We're
  curious. We know we've got lots of German
  readers. Tell us why Germany is the best
  place to crap in Europe and we'll stick the
  best answer in the next issue.

  >> Don't buy kids CDs <<
  What do kids want for Xmas? Apparently
  not the latest CDs. They've already got
  the MP3. This site advises the kids to take
  back their unwanted CDs and buy a spindle of
  blank disks. Huzzah.

  >> Trim your boy quim <<
  Ladies have been removing their pant moustaches
  since the 70s. Now it's the boys' turn. Jesus
  Christ - if we didn't have enough to worry
  about already. We've gotta keep our pubes in
  check too? Fuck the 21st Century, we're off to
  live on a lesbian art collective in Holland.

  >> Undramatic PC Experiment <<
  What happens if you pour a litre of Diet Coke
  on your PC? It short-circuits and blows your
  mains. This is not a surprise. But the
  stupidity and pointlessness of this exercise
  put a big gay grin on our faces.

  >> When schoolkids make Flash <<
  "Check out these student Flash music videos
  created for Mr. Moyers' class at Notre Dame
  Catholic High School in Fairfield, Connecticut,
  USA!" intones Kevin Siu, "They're like a
  pre-school version of B3TA. I bet they have no
  idea how awesome they are. This one with robots
  is amazing."

  "All are brilliant, if you've got a bit of
  time then check them out."


  Review porn sites for cash

  "Hello B3TA people.", writes Mr Info, "Thought
  you might be able to help me find a bunch of
  wankers. I'm looking for people willing to
  review porn sites."

  Blimey. We don't normally take requests like
  this but we thought we've probably got some
  readers who would quite enjoy this. So if
  you get the job - tell us how you get on.


  Results from the National Suicide Week Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted promotional material for
  National Suicide Week:

  We forgot to ask anyone to judge this week's
  challenge, so here are our favourite entries:

  #1 "In case of suicide - Quick, dirty and made
     us laugh. What more do you need? (Citizen Loz)

  #2 "Coleman Landslide - Manic's political slant
     never lets up, and here he's certainly got
     a point. (Manic)

  #3 "Novel Methods #2 - Deeply silly and lovingly
     animated. We want a whole series of these on
     TV now. Pretty please." (Amaryllis)

  Special Mentions: Monkeon's bus service to
  "Enditall" is genius, and PGMT's T-Shirt is
  one we'll be wearing this christmas:

  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, we're feeling all christmassy and
  are making christmas cards.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FEMALEORSHEMALE TV - Did you catch the media
    hoo-hah over the "Something About Miriam" show,
    where punters had to compete to win the
    affections of a beautiful young model?
    Obviously what they didn't say was Miriam
    had a cock. Also what they didn't say was
    that over 100 million of you have already
    seen Miriam when she starred in our Female
    or Shemale quiz. Compare the 3rd photo down
    on the right with the picture in the Guardian.
    Same er.. bloke. Oh and if you really want
    to scare yourself then type victoria129 into
    Google Images...

    pleased to see B3TA's Santexo pick up an
    award in the Best Design category. Go
    Santexo. We want to see more monkeys.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BIG GAY ROBOTS - that bum rape for Xmas.
  * LESBIAN SOCKS - you know what we mean.
  * AN EXTRA HAND - our right one is busy...

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe: [email protected]
  Unsubscribe: [email protected]



  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  little David Stevenson
  Links sent in by Jason Brown,  Ali Gothard,
  fredthehat, Sharruma, ChaosTime, Paul Somewhere
  in 'effing Germany, Blogdex, pkillian,
  Joshua Waller and Kevin Siu.
  Top Tippery by Dutchbird
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry
  Board research by Fnord
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder
  Proofing by the mossy b4ta posse (72514)


  Having difficulty opening a bottle of champagne?
  Try holding the cork and twisting the bottle.
  Much easier.

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