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This Week:
* NERDSTALGIA - sing-a-long a 16k song
* VIDEO - ooh pretty matchstick animation
* B3TA RADIO - stories about shitting

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "we are fundamentally...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|           irresponsible"

B3ta email 134 - 07 May 2004

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  Spectrums, Rude reviews and Matchsticks

  >> Hey Hey 16k <<
  Did you use a home computer in the 1980s?
  Then you have to see your ginger Fuhrer Rob
  Manuel's new flash video. It's based upon a
  catchy song by MJ Hibbett which according
  to Rob, "said something about my youth and
  made me feel bittersweet nostalgia. A bit
  like wanking whilst fantasing about an old
  girlfriend." BTW: If you live near Hull,
  Hibbett will be playing tonight - Friday 7th
  May - at the Adelphi. 

  >> Fake holiday reviews <<
  "G'Day," chirrups JBoom. "We've been bored in
  the office and invented a new Internet Sport."
  The idea is to find holiday destinations with
  double entendre names and write up reviews for
  their websites. One of our favourites for the
  Black Cock Inn: "the Black Cock Inn cider is one
  of my girlfriend's absolute favourites. She says
  that once you've tried it, nothing else will
  quite hit the spot again."

  >> Mournful matchstick man vid <<
  "I made an animation about the life of a
  matchstick man," beams VinylSqueakyDogtoy.
  It's bloody good as well, strange, sad
  little thing that it is. Enormous download
  though (8MB!).


  Bloke digs hole to hide from missus

  Your wife gets pregnant, life's changing in
  unexpected scary ways - what do you do? If
  you're anything like this guy you dig a
  massive, reinforced hole in your garden,
  construct a bunker and lurk down there,
  shooting and eating snakes until all
  the badness goes away.


  Shit stories
  Each week we grab a cheey hour on the London
  radio staion Resonance FM to talk bollocks.

  This week we're doing your stories on poo.

  Our favourites include:

  * "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red
    and green string, which it couldn't
    completely crap out. There i was, sitting in
    my living room, and my cat comes running
    through with about 5 feet of it trailing
    from its ass. Considering it was around
    Christmas, she looked rather festive.

  * "A few years ago when I was at school, we
    went on a trip to Italy. Someone did a shit
    in the sink, and when the teacher asked if
    it looked human, my mate replied 'no sir,
    it looks like a shit' (Sabertoothed_monkey)

  * "Our dog found a bucket of Artex in the
    garden. And by the following morning had
    left perfect white plastercast turds all
    over the house. They had to be chipped
    off the floor with a spade."
    (Mild Green Fairy)

  Read these stories and more:

  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Motormouth Jones quiz <<
  Actor Michael Winslow is the genius human
  beatbox best-known as Jones from Police Academy.
  His website claims he's been in all seven films
  of the franchise, which, frankly, we wouldn't
  be boasting too loudly about. But the important
  thing is that he's in an online game where you
  have to guess answers from clues given via the
  medium of vocal effects.

  >> Spitfire near miss <<
  Jesus cocking Christ. This vid has to be
  seen. It's a simple thing. Bloke talks to 
  camera. Spitfire flies at his head. Bloke
  swears with the sweet release of a near
  death experience. Fucking hell. We want
  aeroplanes to nearly miss us too. There's
  nothing like being close to death to make
  you feel alive.

  >> Droopy fatty flesh <<
  Ever wondered what fat people look like naked
  after plastic surgery? You won't be suprised
  to learn that the results are pretty grim.  

  >> Frankie Howerd v £5 <<
  One for our UK readers here. Got a five
  quid note? Take a good look at it: it's
  Frankie Howerd init?

  >> P2P porn spoof <<
  We're a big fan of downloading naughty things
  at B3ta towers. But this chappy who's been
  sticking up Billy Idol songs as "Elephant cock
  horse" has been making us giggle.

  >> STD stories <<
  "My pee smells like ham", "My last period
  looked like meat"... Expand your disgusting
  simile database with these real life additions
  overheard at the clap clinic.

  >> Long poo fish <<
  We're not sure what they're being fed, but
  these Japanese fish are doing the longest
  shits in the world... ever! They trail out
  behind; beautiful, graceful, like streamers.
  Fantastic - it's like the shit never ends!

  >> World's best mailbox <<
  Kids! Here's a history lesson. Before we had
  texting, instant messaging and email people
  used to communicate using something called
  the postal system. Check out these fantastic
  post boxes. Think of them as retro skins
  for an email client.


  Doing stuff because you can

  A RAID disk is a way of connecting up several
  drives to work as one big one. Generally you'd 
  be wanting to raid large disks to create even
  larger disks. Not this guy. He's been having
  a go at floppies and memory sticks. The sheer
  pointlessness and geekery of this project had
  us sniggering in disbelief.


  Panda Jizz, Knuckles, Blessed, & Nursery Rhymes

  >> Misheard lyrics return <<
  There's a long tradition of misheard lyric
  animations on b3ta, but it's been a while since
  the last good one. Dave and Mike end that drought
  with Panda Jizz - made because "we felt bad that
  the pandas at the National Zoo in Washington
  didn't mate successfully this year."

  >> Crack my knuckles <<
  After making you come over all nostalgic, Rob
  has turned his internet talents to evil. This
  will really make you wince - an interactive 
  knuckle-cracking toy with alarmingly realistic
  sound effects. There's not much to it, but you
  wouldn't really want more.

  >> Brian Blessed autograph <<
  Brian Blessed is like the living incarnation
  of bigness and shoutiness. We think he's great
  Now it seems he likes us, too. Thanks to Mark
  Stickley for getting him to autograph this lovely
  picture and for the lively pictures of himself
  obtaining the lovely picture with the autograph.

  >> Angry bleak nursery rhymes <<
  Sometimes Koit worries us. Never more so than
  with these rage-filled nihilistic
  reinterpretations of kiddie favourites. We loved
  his 'Cunts' animation a couple of weeks ago, but
  this is just plain strange...


  Got cash to spare? Why not buy a... 

  >> Flat with Star Trek interior <<
  It's all very well loving Star Trek.
  Personally we're rather fond of the
  "Trouble with Tribbles" episode. However
  redesigning your own house to look like
  the bridge of the US Enterprise might
  be taking it a bit far. But hey - if you've
  got a few quid to spare - such a house
  could be yours. 

  >> Egg peeling device <<
  Boiled eggs are fucking great. The only
  problem is how to get the shitting shells
  off the pissy little cunts. Thankfully
  technology has the answer. If only it could
  wank us to climax in under 30 seconds we'd
  buy it.


  Still bored? This lot should keep you busy.

  >> Shooty arrow game <<
  Quite astoundingly retro, but still uncommonly
  good. Can you shoot the other bow-wielding
  stickman, before he makes you into a black
  line kebab?

  >> Highway Hunter <<
  Flash games should be short, fast and exciting.
  Much like this road-rage game. These guys
  could teach miniclip a few things about
  web gaming,

  >> Pill-popping ricochet game <<
  People find the inspiration for making games
  in the most unlikely of places. This one is
  based upon the premise that taking pills makes
  you happy - but too many makes you explode.
  Works surprisingly well as a little puzzle game.


  Results from the Kenny Loggins Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to play with Kenny Loggins:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Mushroom' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mushroom writes -

  #1 "Tessellation - A well pulled-off, unique and
     arty picture. A pleasant change from the
     repeated South Park jokes. (Mystery Bob)

  #2 "Tonight, Matthew - It contains Mr Blessed,
     _and_ it's relevant to the challenge! Amazing
     transformation, Brian. (magnum)

  #3 "Surreal or what? - This drew a laugh and got
     me thinking about the poor victims of these
     challenges...." (Beau Bo d'Or)

  "Stick-figure-ninja deserves a special mention for
  the plethora of entries he created. I loved the
  ham physics on this one:"

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator bashed us over
  the head with a club and dragged us away by our
  hair, shouting, "One Million Years BC"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WEEBL KENYA LIVE ACTION - Jonti's Kenya flash
    has proved a hit round the web, prompting
    these guys to act out the movie using real
    people and costumes. Joyful. BTW: We're
    waiting for someone to have a go at the
    Bonjour Monsieur one. The swinging dick
    section could be interesting.

  * TRON GUY BLOG - remember the chubby chappy
    who made the suit? Read about his further
    adventures on his blog. He's become a bit
    of a celeb you know - with TV and radio



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COMMUNICATING OBSESSION - what do you love?
    Monkeys? Scribbling moustaches on photos
    in newspapers? Eating Marmite? Turn your
    thoughts into pithy songs. If you tell the
    truth - no matter how small - people will

  * QUIZZES - they might not be as rock and roll
    as animation but they reach more people.

  * VIDEO STUFF THAT WORKS - Flash MX 2004 now
    has great support for video using FLV files.
    It's possible to get footage really small and
    streamy in a way never possible before. Get
    your DV cameras out - but remember keep stuff
    short. Unless you're a secret Stanley Kubrick
    people are unlikely to want to watch 15
    minutes of you prattling with your mates.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Matt Helm, Pete Guest,
  Jon Bowen, Mike Hall, Edward Evans, Masone4718,
  Dustin Warrington & billy2sheds.
  Top Tippery from reading something that sounded
  wildly innaccurate but amusing on the tsluts
  mailing list.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by b4ta. With guns. (74643)


  Girls! Get bigger tits by using contraceptive
  pills. Ladies are telling us that the Marvelon
  brand produces the largest boob enlargement.

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