NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 134: "TRY THE BLACK COCK INN CIDER"
This Week:
* NERDSTALGIA - sing-a-long a 16k song
* VIDEO - ooh pretty matchstick animation
* B3TA RADIO - stories about shitting
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "we are fundamentally...
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B3ta email 134 - 07 May 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue134/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Spectrums, Rude reviews and Matchsticks
>> Hey Hey 16k <<
Did you use a home computer in the 1980s?
Then you have to see your ginger Fuhrer Rob
Manuel's new flash video. It's based upon a
catchy song by MJ Hibbett which according
to Rob, "said something about my youth and
made me feel bittersweet nostalgia. A bit
like wanking whilst fantasing about an old
girlfriend." BTW: If you live near Hull,
Hibbett will be playing tonight - Friday 7th
May - at the Adelphi.
http://www2.b3ta.com/heyhey16k/
>> Fake holiday reviews <<
"G'Day," chirrups JBoom. "We've been bored in
the office and invented a new Internet Sport."
The idea is to find holiday destinations with
double entendre names and write up reviews for
their websites. One of our favourites for the
Black Cock Inn: "the Black Cock Inn cider is one
of my girlfriend's absolute favourites. She says
that once you've tried it, nothing else will
quite hit the spot again."
http://www.jboom.com/entendre
>> Mournful matchstick man vid <<
"I made an animation about the life of a
matchstick man," beams VinylSqueakyDogtoy.
It's bloody good as well, strange, sad
little thing that it is. Enormous download
though (8MB!).
http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/matchmanfinal.wm...
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: HUMAN ZOO
Bloke digs hole to hide from missus
Your wife gets pregnant, life's changing in
unexpected scary ways - what do you do? If
you're anything like this guy you dig a
massive, reinforced hole in your garden,
construct a bunker and lurk down there,
shooting and eating snakes until all
the badness goes away.
http://www.cp-tel.net/pasqualy/hole/index.html
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: B3TA RADIO
Shit stories
Each week we grab a cheey hour on the London
radio staion Resonance FM to talk bollocks.
This week we're doing your stories on poo.
Our favourites include:
* "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red
and green string, which it couldn't
completely crap out. There i was, sitting in
my living room, and my cat comes running
through with about 5 feet of it trailing
from its ass. Considering it was around
Christmas, she looked rather festive.
(WMcheesemaster)
* "A few years ago when I was at school, we
went on a trip to Italy. Someone did a shit
in the sink, and when the teacher asked if
it looked human, my mate replied 'no sir,
it looks like a shit' (Sabertoothed_monkey)
* "Our dog found a bucket of Artex in the
garden. And by the following morning had
left perfect white plastercast turds all
over the house. They had to be chipped
off the floor with a spade."
(Mild Green Fairy)
Read these stories and more:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shitstories/
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Motormouth Jones quiz <<
Actor Michael Winslow is the genius human
beatbox best-known as Jones from Police Academy.
His website claims he's been in all seven films
of the franchise, which, frankly, we wouldn't
be boasting too loudly about. But the important
thing is that he's in an online game where you
have to guess answers from clues given via the
medium of vocal effects.
http://www.ugo.com/channels/dvd/features/michaelwi...
>> Spitfire near miss <<
Jesus cocking Christ. This vid has to be
seen. It's a simple thing. Bloke talks to
camera. Spitfire flies at his head. Bloke
swears with the sweet release of a near
death experience. Fucking hell. We want
aeroplanes to nearly miss us too. There's
nothing like being close to death to make
you feel alive.
http://www.alexisparkinn.com/oh_my_god.htm
>> Droopy fatty flesh <<
Ever wondered what fat people look like naked
after plastic surgery? You won't be suprised
to learn that the results are pretty grim.
http://snipurl.com/67w6
>> Frankie Howerd v £5 <<
One for our UK readers here. Got a five
quid note? Take a good look at it: it's
Frankie Howerd init?
http://www.christianfurr.com/lookylikey/found13.ht...
>> P2P porn spoof <<
We're a big fan of downloading naughty things
at B3ta towers. But this chappy who's been
sticking up Billy Idol songs as "Elephant cock
horse" has been making us giggle.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29438
>> STD stories <<
"My pee smells like ham", "My last period
looked like meat"... Expand your disgusting
simile database with these real life additions
overheard at the clap clinic.
http://www.citypages.com/databank/23/1142/article1...
>> Long poo fish <<
We're not sure what they're being fed, but
these Japanese fish are doing the longest
shits in the world... ever! They trail out
behind; beautiful, graceful, like streamers.
Fantastic - it's like the shit never ends!
http://snipurl.com/67wb
>> World's best mailbox <<
Kids! Here's a history lesson. Before we had
texting, instant messaging and email people
used to communicate using something called
the postal system. Check out these fantastic
post boxes. Think of them as retro skins
for an email client.
http://www.sblomberg.com/mailbox/
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Doing stuff because you can
A RAID disk is a way of connecting up several
drives to work as one big one. Generally you'd
be wanting to raid large disks to create even
larger disks. Not this guy. He's been having
a go at floppies and memory sticks. The sheer
pointlessness and geekery of this project had
us sniggering in disbelief.
http://ohlssonvox.8k.com/fdd_raid.htm
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Panda Jizz, Knuckles, Blessed, & Nursery Rhymes
>> Misheard lyrics return <<
There's a long tradition of misheard lyric
animations on b3ta, but it's been a while since
the last good one. Dave and Mike end that drought
with Panda Jizz - made because "we felt bad that
the pandas at the National Zoo in Washington
didn't mate successfully this year."
http://www.earthquaker.net
>> Crack my knuckles <<
After making you come over all nostalgic, Rob
has turned his internet talents to evil. This
will really make you wince - an interactive
knuckle-cracking toy with alarmingly realistic
sound effects. There's not much to it, but you
wouldn't really want more.
http://www2.b3ta.com/crackmyknuckles/
>> Brian Blessed autograph <<
Brian Blessed is like the living incarnation
of bigness and shoutiness. We think he's great
Now it seems he likes us, too. Thanks to Mark
Stickley for getting him to autograph this lovely
picture and for the lively pictures of himself
obtaining the lovely picture with the autograph.
http://www.theyakshack.co.uk/
>> Angry bleak nursery rhymes <<
Sometimes Koit worries us. Never more so than
with these rage-filled nihilistic
reinterpretations of kiddie favourites. We loved
his 'Cunts' animation a couple of weeks ago, but
this is just plain strange...
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/nursery.h...
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: YOUR WEEKLY SHOPPING LIST
Got cash to spare? Why not buy a...
>> Flat with Star Trek interior <<
It's all very well loving Star Trek.
Personally we're rather fond of the
"Trouble with Tribbles" episode. However
redesigning your own house to look like
the bridge of the US Enterprise might
be taking it a bit far. But hey - if you've
got a few quid to spare - such a house
could be yours.
http://snipurl.com/67wa
>> Egg peeling device <<
Boiled eggs are fucking great. The only
problem is how to get the shitting shells
off the pissy little cunts. Thankfully
technology has the answer. If only it could
wank us to climax in under 30 seconds we'd
buy it.
http://www.youcansave.com/eggstractor.asp
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: FRIDAY GAMES
Still bored? This lot should keep you busy.
>> Shooty arrow game <<
Quite astoundingly retro, but still uncommonly
good. Can you shoot the other bow-wielding
stickman, before he makes you into a black
line kebab?
http://www.xeron.org/cosas/bowman/
>> Highway Hunter <<
Flash games should be short, fast and exciting.
Much like this road-rage game. These guys
could teach miniclip a few things about
web gaming,
http://www.mausland.de/games/highwayhunter.htm
>> Pill-popping ricochet game <<
People find the inspiration for making games
in the most unlikely of places. This one is
based upon the premise that taking pills makes
you happy - but too many makes you explode.
Works surprisingly well as a little puzzle game.
http://jigint.com/games/happypill/index.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kenny Loggins Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to play with Kenny Loggins:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kennyloggins/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Mushroom' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mushroom writes -
#1 "Tessellation - A well pulled-off, unique and
arty picture. A pleasant change from the
repeated South Park jokes. (Mystery Bob)
http://b3ta.com/board/3124084
#2 "Tonight, Matthew - It contains Mr Blessed,
_and_ it's relevant to the challenge! Amazing
transformation, Brian. (magnum)
http://b3ta.com/board/3128865
#3 "Surreal or what? - This drew a laugh and got
me thinking about the poor victims of these
challenges...." (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/3150923
"Stick-figure-ninja deserves a special mention for
the plethora of entries he created. I loved the
ham physics on this one:"
http://b3ta.com/board/3138778
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator bashed us over
the head with a club and dragged us away by our
hair, shouting, "One Million Years BC"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/onemillionyearsbc/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WEEBL KENYA LIVE ACTION - Jonti's Kenya flash
has proved a hit round the web, prompting
these guys to act out the movie using real
people and costumes. Joyful. BTW: We're
waiting for someone to have a go at the
Bonjour Monsieur one. The swinging dick
section could be interesting.
http://users.rcn.com/chris.goldrick/Kenya1.mov
* TRON GUY BLOG - remember the chubby chappy
who made the suit? Read about his further
adventures on his blog. He's become a bit
of a celeb you know - with TV and radio
appearances.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/jmaynard/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COMMUNICATING OBSESSION - what do you love?
Monkeys? Scribbling moustaches on photos
in newspapers? Eating Marmite? Turn your
thoughts into pithy songs. If you tell the
truth - no matter how small - people will
listen.
* QUIZZES - they might not be as rock and roll
as animation but they reach more people.
* VIDEO STUFF THAT WORKS - Flash MX 2004 now
has great support for video using FLV files.
It's possible to get footage really small and
streamy in a way never possible before. Get
your DV cameras out - but remember keep stuff
short. Unless you're a secret Stanley Kubrick
people are unlikely to want to watch 15
minutes of you prattling with your mates.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Matt Helm, Pete Guest,
Jon Bowen, Mike Hall, Edward Evans, Masone4718,
Dustin Warrington & billy2sheds.
Top Tippery from reading something that sounded
wildly innaccurate but amusing on the tsluts
mailing list.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by b4ta. With guns. (74643)
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