NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 139: "SUMMER HOLIDAY BEST OF"
This Week:
* BEST OF - Stuff we've liked this year
* RADIO - Gossip you've overheard
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 129 - 11 Jun 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue129/
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We're taking a bit of a rest this week. So
here's some of the best stuff made by b3ta
people this year.
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: BEST FLASH VIDEOS
>> Kittens on motorbikes <<
Rob Manuel & Joel Veitch have teamed up to bring
you a video of a stunt kitten speeding round
London on a motorbike. It's for a band called
Youth of Britain and they'll be playing tonight
(11 Jun 2004) at the London club Turnmills.
They plan to project the video behind the
band and attempt to play in time. We'll be
popping down so say hello if you see us.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/chillout/
>> Pricklers with attitude <<
Rapping cacti! Mushybees returns with the
second in what we can only assume is an ongoing
animated series with a foul-mouthed cockney
cactus father-son duo. "Not entirely sure it's
worth the wait," he faffs. We absolutely disagree.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/dirty.sanchez/cack02....
>> Flying grandad <<
"Hello there it's Mr Fancyteeth", writes the
enigmatic King of Enigmas, Mr FancyTeeth,"
I've done this animation for the newsletter.
It's all about my grandad." Hmm. Unless
your grandad could fly, we doubt that very
much. This week's Monkeon award for the
most barking idea goes to...
http://www.mantlepies.com/grandad.html
>> Damon Albarn is a cunt <<
Oooh, we have a new talent lurking in B3ta town.
His name is the Bowers Machine and he thinks
the singer from Blur is a cunt. He has made
this genius bit of video to prove it. BTW: As
Blur's drummer Dave Rowntree is a reader of this
very newsletter, we passed it on to him for his
comments: "Fuck me, that is brilliant! You've
got to admit, we all look like cunts in
that picture."
http://www.blogjam.com/blur/
>> Hey Hey 16k <<
Did you use a home computer in the 1980s?
Then you have to see your ginger Fuhrer Rob
Manuel's new flash video. It's based upon a
catchy song by MJ Hibbett which according
to Rob, "said something about my youth and
made me feel bittersweet nostalgia. A bit
like wanking whilst fantasing about an old
girlfriend."
http://www2.b3ta.com/heyhey16k/
>> Work of genius <<
Koit has been knocking about our boards for
a while now - working on his songs and Traffic
light animations. But with this one bit of work
he's managed to capture our imaginations and take
us with him into his special world by the power
of sheer spasmoid tomfoolery. Warning: not safe
for work.
http://www.distaste.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fc.html
>> Come to Kenya <<
Weebl's talent has been growing like a marrow.
Now we reap the bounteous harvest. These little
lions and tigers are the best you'll ever see
and the jingle is insanely catchy. We only
hope the Kenyan Tourist Board is paying
attention. Jonti says he'll swap all rights for
two zebras. He's pregnant and needs the meat.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/29/
>> We love Joel's cock <<
We've had our doubts about Joel's penile
quality. We suspected it might be rather poor.
But recently, we've had the chance to properly
check it out and now we're converts. BTW: Joel
is at his best when just being filthy and crude.
If you don't laugh at the joyous finale to this,
then you're dead inside. Dead, do you hear?
http://www.rathergood.com/sumo_florist/
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: BEST SHORT FILMS
>> Look mum - I can fly <<
"After a bet with a friend," confides Thomas
Scott, "I seem to have invented a new extreme
sport. Unfortunately, my first attempt at it
left me in the middle of some prickle bushes
with a twisted ankle." Haha. We laughed so
hard at this we made sex wee. Oh and he's
wearing a b3ta shirt too. Woo hoo.
http://www.thomasscott.net/bodysailing/
>> Underground mayhem <<
"Recently me and my mates attended a posh
dinner thing at the Tower of London," writes
Elliott Ingram, "It ended early so we were up
for a bit of pissing around on the Tube. I filmed
it all on my phone." Wow. These guys slide
down the central bit of a really long escalator.
Er... and then they fall off. Woo.
http://www.bornsloppy.co.uk/Underground%20Mayhem%2...
>> Skateboard-slide arm-break action <<
Nineclicks writes, "I have a video of my
friend breaking his arm" while arseing around on
a slide. Ouch, looks painful, but our
cameraman is admirably unbothered by other
people's pain. "I also made a cartoon version
in Flash," he boasts.
http://www.nineclicks.com/videos/armsnap.wmv
>> Man waxing <<
Ross B and his friends enjoy pain. That must be the
only explanation for them wanting all of their
body hair removed on camera. Edited to the lovely
music of Richard Strauss it kind of reminds us of
the aversion therapy bit in Clockwork Orange. Now
we vomit every time we see chest hair.
http://www.rossb.co.uk/wax/
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: BEST PROJECTS
>> I turned my piss pink <<
"I managed to change the colour of my wee"
writes Lurking Bon, "by eating a large jar of
pickled beetroot. Just thought I'd share the
joy. You should try it - the pink wee lasts
all day."
http://www.pressanykey.net/
>> Biggest fucking sandwich ever <<
We envy Dan405 for he is blessed. This week,
he bought a loaf of common white bread and found
it to be sliced not vertically but horizontally,
thus giving him the biggest slices of bread
ever created by blade of poorly-set-up
machine. He's used this gift to create a sandwich
fit for the gods. It's a thing of wonder.
http://www.danontherun.com/sandwich.htm
>> Teabag pyramids <<
Cunting Gordon! This is an achievement.
Kamikazee Killmouse has stacked all his
teabags in the manner of the ancient
Egyptians. A majestic sight to grace any
kitchen. In the very centre is a cursed
bourbon biscuit. Or so it is said.
http://www.zen16091.zen.co.uk/tea/more-tea-vicar.h...
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: BEST GAMES
>> Kill the nuns <<
"It's been a while since I made a nun game,"
writes Brian Mung, "so here's the new one."
Blimey. This is both lovely-looking and
quite a tough challenge. Mung normally puts
interesting animations at the end of his
games - but we can't complete it to find out.
http://www.brianmung.com/nungunner.htm
>> Haggis hurling challenge <<
Everyone knows that haggises are furry
little creatures that live in the hills of
Scotchland. Eclectech has made a Flash
simulation of what is obviously an ancient,
and very cute, Scottish sport.
http://holistech.co.uk/haggis.php
>> Celebrity dustbin <<
The world was crying out for a web quiz based
on celebrity dustbin raiding. Cometh the
hour, cometh the man. Brian Mung: We bask
again in the warm glow of your unique genius.
http://www.brianmung.com/celebritepoubelle.htm
>> Clay kittens II <<
The long-awaited follow-up to Richard Salter's
fantastic game, Clay Kittens I. Animal cruelty
isn't big or clever. But it is fun. Huzzah.
http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index2...
>> Skydiving game <<
"I just finished this new game," badgers
Jamie Fuller, "Please use it in your newsletter
so I can get hit on by rich chicks and rock
stars." Not a problem. We're sure you'll have
supermodels on your dick like a shish kebab.
Oh, and it's a good little game too. You
have to fly your man through cartoon
Goatse clouds, all from an unusual overhead
perspective.
http://jamiefuller.com/flash/goatse.php
>> Leopardy Jeopardy <<
Last week we asked you to create a game
called Leopardy Jeopardy mostly because we
liked the name. However Andy Shan has come
through in spades. You'll need to grab
someone from the office to play with you.
Unless, like in Fight Club, you have some
sort of super-competitive alter-ego to
press the Z key while you're asleep.
http://snipurl.com/6koz
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: B3TA RADIO
Stuff you've overheard
Every Friday we grab an evil hour on the London
station Resonance FM. This week we're talking
about the stuff you've overheard.
Our favourites include
* "Chubby 5yr old on the bus this morning.
Mum: 'So what we going to have for lunch
then Bobby?'
Bobby: 'Monkeys and Cabbage!'
* "2 old ladies passed me on the street once,
but all I heard was:
'One cucumber amongst thirty-five of
them, Joyce'
* "Couple on a bus in Bristol:
'I loves yer, I shags yer, I buys yer chips,
and yer still does me 'ead in.'"
All this and more on the site:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stuff_youve_overheard/
We've also invited the king of overheard gossip
The Man Who Fell Asleep into the studio for
a chat. Read his site - it's funny:
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kids TV Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted Kids' TV shows reimagined
to make them unbroadcastable.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvgonewrong/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Vork' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Vork writes -
#1 "Jimbo and the Twin Towers - What a cunt.
Picture's Happiness Factor: 43"
(Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3286187
#2 "Postman Pat - Soup For A Cat.
Picture's Happiness Factor: 39.5 (sick_boy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3285639
#3 "Cunt Fuckula - I'm a big fan of gratuitous
swearing. This one hit the spot.
Picture's Happiness Factor: 32 (tittu fruity)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3287173
And a special mention for Cheb's Sooty picture
because that's how I imagine Sooty would talk,
the mucky bastard.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3286533
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator decreed that
we should do some "Corporate Rebranding."
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporaterebranding/
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Patrick Wood is a cunt.
Proofing by the ginger b4ta monkeys. (75069)
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TOP TIP:
Cure stinky trainers by cutting open several
tea bags and pouring the leaves into the
offending footwear. Leave them for a good 24
hours, then vacuum the leaves out. And presto
trainers fit for a king.
