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This Week:
* BEST OF - Stuff we've liked this year
* RADIO - Gossip you've overheard

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B3ta email 129 - 11 Jun 2004

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  We're taking a bit of a rest this week. So
  here's some of the best stuff made by b3ta
  people this year.



  >> Kittens on motorbikes <<
  Rob Manuel & Joel Veitch have teamed up to bring
  you a video of a stunt kitten speeding round
  London on a motorbike. It's for a band called
  Youth of Britain and they'll be playing tonight
  (11 Jun 2004) at the London club Turnmills.
  They plan to project the video behind the
  band and attempt to play in time. We'll be
  popping down so say hello if you see us.

  >> Pricklers with attitude <<
  Rapping cacti! Mushybees returns with the
  second in what we can only assume is an ongoing
  animated series with a foul-mouthed cockney
  cactus father-son duo. "Not entirely sure it's
  worth the wait," he faffs. We absolutely disagree.

  >> Flying grandad <<
  "Hello there it's Mr Fancyteeth", writes the
  enigmatic King of Enigmas, Mr FancyTeeth,"
  I've done this animation for the newsletter.
  It's all about my grandad." Hmm. Unless 
  your grandad could fly, we doubt that very
  much. This week's Monkeon award for the
  most barking idea goes to...

  >> Damon Albarn is a cunt <<
  Oooh, we have a new talent lurking in B3ta town.
  His name is the Bowers Machine and he thinks
  the singer from Blur is a cunt. He has made
  this genius bit of video to prove it. BTW: As
  Blur's drummer Dave Rowntree is a reader of this
  very newsletter, we passed it on to him for his
  comments: "Fuck me, that is brilliant! You've
  got to admit, we all look like cunts in
  that picture."

  >> Hey Hey 16k <<
  Did you use a home computer in the 1980s?
  Then you have to see your ginger Fuhrer Rob
  Manuel's new flash video. It's based upon a
  catchy song by MJ Hibbett which according
  to Rob, "said something about my youth and
  made me feel bittersweet nostalgia. A bit
  like wanking whilst fantasing about an old

  >> Work of genius <<
  Koit has been knocking about our boards for
  a while now - working on his songs and Traffic
  light animations. But with this one bit of work
  he's managed to capture our imaginations and take
  us with him into his special world by the power
  of sheer spasmoid tomfoolery. Warning: not safe
  for work.

  >> Come to Kenya <<
  Weebl's talent has been growing like a marrow.
  Now we reap the bounteous harvest. These little
  lions and tigers are the best you'll ever see
  and the jingle is insanely catchy. We only
  hope the Kenyan Tourist Board is paying
  attention. Jonti says he'll swap all rights for
  two zebras. He's pregnant and needs the meat.

  >> We love Joel's cock <<
  We've had our doubts about Joel's penile
  quality. We suspected it might be rather poor.
  But recently, we've had the chance to properly
  check it out and now we're converts. BTW: Joel
  is at his best when just being filthy and crude.
  If you don't laugh at the joyous finale to this,
  then you're dead inside. Dead, do you hear?



  >> Look mum - I can fly <<
  "After a bet with a friend," confides Thomas
  Scott, "I seem to have invented a new extreme
  sport. Unfortunately, my first attempt at it
  left me in the middle of some prickle bushes
  with a twisted ankle." Haha. We laughed so
  hard at this we made sex wee. Oh and he's
  wearing a b3ta shirt too. Woo hoo.

  >> Underground mayhem  <<
  "Recently me and my mates attended a posh
  dinner thing at the Tower of London," writes
  Elliott Ingram, "It ended early so we were up
  for a bit of pissing around on the Tube. I filmed
  it all on my phone." Wow. These guys slide
  down the central bit of a really long escalator.
  Er... and then they fall off. Woo.

  >> Skateboard-slide arm-break action <<
  Nineclicks writes, "I have a video of my
  friend breaking his arm" while arseing around on
  a slide. Ouch, looks painful, but our
  cameraman is admirably unbothered by other
  people's pain. "I also made a cartoon version
  in Flash," he boasts.

  >> Man waxing <<
  Ross B and his friends enjoy pain. That must be the
  only explanation for them wanting all of their
  body hair removed on camera. Edited to the lovely
  music of Richard Strauss it kind of reminds us of
  the aversion therapy bit in Clockwork Orange. Now
  we vomit every time we see chest hair.



  >> I turned my piss pink <<
  "I managed to change the colour of my wee"
  writes Lurking Bon, "by eating a large jar of
  pickled  beetroot. Just thought I'd share the
  joy. You should try it - the pink wee lasts
  all day."

  >> Biggest fucking sandwich ever <<
  We envy Dan405 for he is blessed. This week,
  he bought a loaf of common white bread and found
  it to be sliced not vertically but horizontally,
  thus giving him the biggest slices of bread
  ever created by blade of poorly-set-up
  machine. He's used this gift to create a sandwich
  fit for the gods. It's a thing of wonder.

  >> Teabag pyramids <<
  Cunting Gordon! This is an achievement.
  Kamikazee Killmouse has stacked all his
  teabags in the manner of the ancient
  Egyptians. A majestic sight to grace any
  kitchen. In the very centre is a cursed
  bourbon biscuit. Or so it is said.



  >> Kill the nuns <<
  "It's been a while since I made a nun game,"
  writes Brian Mung, "so here's the new one."
  Blimey. This is both lovely-looking and
  quite a tough challenge. Mung normally puts
  interesting animations at the end of his
  games - but we can't complete it to find out.

  >> Haggis hurling challenge <<
  Everyone knows that haggises are furry
  little creatures that live in the hills of
  Scotchland. Eclectech has made a Flash
  simulation of what is obviously an ancient,
  and very cute, Scottish sport.

  >> Celebrity dustbin <<
  The world was crying out for a web quiz based
  on celebrity dustbin raiding. Cometh the
  hour, cometh the man. Brian Mung: We bask
  again in the warm glow of your unique genius.

  >> Clay kittens II <<
  The long-awaited follow-up to Richard Salter's
  fantastic game, Clay Kittens I. Animal cruelty
  isn't big or clever. But it is fun. Huzzah.

 >> Skydiving game <<
  "I just finished this new game," badgers
  Jamie Fuller, "Please use it in your newsletter
  so I can get hit on by rich chicks and rock
  stars." Not a problem. We're sure you'll have
  supermodels on your dick like a shish kebab.
  Oh, and it's a good little game too. You
  have to fly your man through cartoon
  Goatse clouds, all from an unusual overhead

  >> Leopardy Jeopardy <<
  Last week we asked you to create a game
  called Leopardy Jeopardy mostly because we
  liked the name. However Andy Shan has come
  through in spades. You'll need to grab
  someone from the office to play with you.
  Unless, like in Fight Club, you have some
  sort of super-competitive alter-ego to
  press the Z key while you're asleep.


  Stuff you've overheard

  Every Friday we grab an evil hour on the London 
  station Resonance FM. This week we're talking
  about the stuff you've overheard.

  Our favourites include

  *  "Chubby 5yr old on the bus this morning.
     Mum: 'So what we going to have for lunch
     then Bobby?'
     Bobby: 'Monkeys and Cabbage!'

  * "2 old ladies passed me on the street once,
    but all I heard was:
    'One cucumber amongst thirty-five of
    them, Joyce'

  * "Couple on a bus in Bristol:
    'I loves yer, I shags yer, I buys yer chips,
     and yer still does me 'ead in.'"

   All this and more on the site:

  We've also invited the king of overheard gossip
  The Man Who Fell Asleep into the studio for
  a chat. Read his site - it's funny:

  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:


  Results from the Kids TV Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted Kids' TV shows reimagined
  to make them unbroadcastable.

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Vork' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Vork writes -

  #1 "Jimbo and the Twin Towers -  What a cunt.
     Picture's Happiness Factor: 43"
     (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)

  #2 "Postman Pat - Soup For A Cat.
     Picture's Happiness Factor: 39.5 (sick_boy)

  #3 "Cunt Fuckula - I'm a big fan of gratuitous
     swearing. This one hit the spot.
     Picture's Happiness Factor: 32 (tittu fruity)

  And a special mention for Cheb's Sooty picture
  because that's how I imagine Sooty would talk,
  the mucky bastard.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator decreed that
  we should do some "Corporate Rebranding."


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  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Patrick Wood is a cunt.
  Proofing by the ginger b4ta monkeys. (75069)


  Cure stinky trainers by cutting open several
  tea bags and pouring the leaves into the
  offending footwear. Leave them for a good 24
  hours, then vacuum the leaves out. And presto
  trainers fit for a king.

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