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This Week:
* ANIM - Have you done your webxercise?
* DANCE - Roger Moore eyebrow sensation
* WANKING - It's only bad if you do it wrong

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

b3ta email 141 - 25 Jun 2004

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  Exercises, Gay Test, Roger Moore & Autism

  >> Have you done your webxercise? <<
  Your ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel and his mates
  from Y.O.B. are concerned that b3ta readers
  are getting fat from sitting at your PCs all
  day. So we've worked out a series of exercises
  you can do in the office. Rob writes, "I'm
  more amused that Y.O.B. agreed to record
  my 'lyrics' really." Watch it. If only for
  the bit with Rolf Harris and the monkey.

  >> Are you gay? <<
  We get letters daily from people concerned
  about their sexuality, "Dear b3ta - I'm
  concerned that that I have become teh gay",
  they write, "have you got a handy test to
  determine my sexual orientation?" Thanks
  to Balphaus for this amusing update on
  an old theme.

  >> Roger Moore eyebrow dance <<
  Stuff the critics. Roger Moore was the best
  Bond. Way betterer than that Scottish twat
  in a porn skirt. Celebrate his genius by
  watching his eye brows dance to the tune
  from Tony Hart's gallery. Whoopy woo.

  >> 1000 drawings autism challenge <<
  "This week I drew 1000 characters", mumbles
  James Downing, "all with names." Gosh. There
  is a lot to explore here. Most of it suggesting
  that the artist is having a breakdown.


  Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad

  >> GOOD: BBC opens web archive of film clips <<
  Hundreds of shorts of sleepy penguins
  and lions shagging. Ok, they're watermarked,
  but you can work around that. Get creative.
  Your internet needs you.

  >> GOOD: England knocked out of Euro 2004 <<
  We only want Beckham on the front pages of
  our tabloids when he's fucking some posh

  >> GOOD: Rain forecast for Glastonbury <<
  First year in ages that the hay-fever
  sufferers will have a good time.

  >> GOOD: Joss Whedon's Serenity April release <<
  Please please please show us the Reavers.
  And if you want the geeks to lap this
  stuff up? Expand the Blue Sun / Microsoft Evil

  >> BAD: Beastie Boys CD installs virus <<
  For fuck's sake. Are the record companies
  trying to alienate the few people who still
  buy CDs?

  >> BAD: Deleted Kraftwerk on AllofMP3 <<
  It's better to imagine greatness than
  to experience mediocrity. Trust us.

  >> BAD: New BBC Radio Hitchhikers <<
  Pointless. If the writers think up new stuff
  they'll alienate the core fans. Stick to
  the weaker material of the later books? They'll
  create dull radio.


  Squash, Weebl, Slang, Alphabets and stupid game

  >> Butternut Squash must die <<
  The butternut squash is the shittest of
  all the vegetables. It's bland and makes
  pathetic soup. Find out what Ben Wheatley
  thinks of the Helen Keller of the garden.

  >> Weebl goes to Ikea II <<
  Jonti has followed up his trip to Ikea with
  the second part of the story. Apparently
  there's a third coming. It's like a prog rock
  concept album. With small stupid egg-like beings.

  >> Do you know your street slang? <<
  "Hey b3ta," trills Casey, "Through the powers
  of drunkenness, I bring you Dope or Whack:
  A well-phat quiz to test your knowledge
  of urban slang." Just between you and us, we
  needed to look up much of the language on
  urbandictionary.com to have a hope in hell
  of playing this quiz.

  >> Evil Alphabet <<
  Koit continues his theme of re-working kids'
  songs for the purposes of evil. We're
  becoming increasingly disturbed by him, to be
  honest. Using Google to find pictures of
  dead animals is kinda wrong isn't it?

  >> Game for the stupid <<
  Blimey. Koit has been a busy boy this week.
  This is a game er... that's a bit stupid.
  Can't say too much about it without ruining


  Last show for the summer

  We're taking a break from b3ta radio for a
  while. It's been an educational, ooh, nearly
  a year for us and frankly we're knackered.

  So enjoy this today show, and big gay thanks
  to Resonance FM and the lovely, bearded
  station controller Knut for having us.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Douglas Adams is alive <<
  Douglas is truly the Tupac of comedy -
  recording work for the previously-mentioned
  radio show before he died. Now we suspect
  he might not even be dead. Mysteriously
  his SETI screensaver is still looking for
  aliens. Ok, it's probably just some fan
  pissing about but it gave us a chill.

  >> Only gay in the village <<
  BBC's break-out comedy hit of last year was
  Little Britain. If you're foreign and haven't
  caught it yet - a great place to be
  introduced is via this amusing little
  Flash anim, setting some of the dialogue to
  a jazz track. Watch it. Then dig about
  on a filesharing app of your choice to
  download the series.

  >> Bad wanking <<
  Did you know that there was good wanking
  and bad wanking? Good is to lay on your back
  and pound your chipolata with your fist.
  Bad wanking is to lay on your front and
  fuck the pillow. Apparently it puts
  unnecessary stress on your cock, creating
  all sorts of sexual disorders. Wonder
  what it would say about our wank-style
  of pushing our bell-end into our belly
  button and tugging manfully on our balls?

  >> Europe's worst interiors <<
  Check out some extraordinary style disasters
  from the 1970s. It's been a popular link
  this week, and we suspect the styles would
  have been equally bizarre to the average
  housewife of the time.

  >> Kiss sings Firestarter <<
  Gene Simmons is quite a guy. His tongue
  can almost reach (and lick) his own nipple
  and he can afford to stick pretty ladies
  in his videos. Quite what possessed him
  to cover The Prodigy's Firestarter is
  a mystery. It's like Clive Dunn going

  >> Pet food complaints <<
  Iams is that posho pet food which costs way
  more than Kit-e-kat but doesn't make Tiddles's
  teeth rot. What's wrong with flossing your
  kitten after every meal, we don't know.
  Anyway, they've compiled a list of queries
  from their 0800 customer care line. Gems
  that made us grin include, "What's up with my
  cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and
  dance for her" and "I can smell my cat's urine
  and tell what cat food brand she's eating.
  Can you use this talent at Iams?"

  >> GPS Drawing <<
  Strange and fantastical line art created by
  tracking vehicles and plotting their position
  on paper using magic science. If only they'd
  draw a cock on the north pole spunking goo
  spunk on the west. For then - our friends -
  we'd truly have peace in our time.


  Stuff we've watched this week

  Nothing makes the staff of B3ta Towers happier
  than sprawling in bed watching downloaded
  telly on our laptop.

  We remember sitting in pretty interesting
  meetings with consultants who told us, "TV
  will never work on the web. Computers are a
  sit-forward mechanism. People's bodies are
  positioned to interact."

  True in an office environment maybe - but they
  forgot about the home use of laptops.

  So here's some of the stuff we've caught

  >> Threads <<
  The 1980s were fucking terrifying. Kids
  believed that we weren't going to reach
  the 21st century, with either an Aids
  plague or nuclear Armageddon clearly on
  the horizon. At the time the BBC still
  had an interest in producing thought
  provoking drama. Watch and, frankly, shit
  your pants at one of the final flowers
  of UK TV speculative fiction. Twenty years
  on it made us shake and have to nip to
  the pub for a calming pint.

  >> Wonderfalls <<
  Despite cancellation after 4 episodes, this
  charming little series from Angel alumni
  Tim Minear actually recorded 13 episodes
  before shutting up shop. Slowly but surely
  these are leaking onto the net, two from
  a DVD sent to journalists and another two
  stamped with timecodes and black gaps
  where the ads should be - presumably
  leaked by someone closer to the production.
  Watch them - they're fantastic. Or wait
  for the December launch of the DVD.

  >> Pirates of Silicon Valley <<
  Emotionally telling if factually inaccurate
  account of the battle for the desktop between
  Bill Gates of Microsoft and Steve Jobs of
  Apple. Humanises the story enough to make
  the story palatable for non nerds.

  All this and more via the usual darknet
  sources of suprnova.org and torrents.co.uk


  Bee game

  It's Friday. You've checked all the links
  in the newsletter. You've still got 2 hours
  before they'll let you go to the pub.

  Why not play a bee game? Its rather
  innovative control system had us perplexed
  until we got the hang of it, then we were
  like, "Hey. Neat. Argh. Dead."


  Results from the 'Laws of Physics' challenge.

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us what happens
  when the laws of physics pack up:

  We asked surly b3ta boarder 'Bitchpapa' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Bitchpapa writes -

  #1 "Physics... pffft - Not only did this entry
  break the laws of physics but it broke the
  board as well! I am a bit bemused by Vanessa
  and Jono's elongated torsos and stumpy legs,
  but any entry that uses Ronnie Corbett is a
  winner in my book. (Kolonel)

  #1 "Escher - Seeing as we are breaking laws,
  I have decided to have two winners this week!
  A quality bit of image manipulation. I'm still
  not 100% sure which way the water is meant to
  flow. This is a b3ta classic - enjoy.

  #2 "My First Animation! - Can anyone tell me
  why this wonderful contraption would not work
  in real life? A charming little animation that
  made me feel all warm inside! (vinceclortho)

  #3 "The nature of space - Simply fantastic.
  Funny, topical and very well-animated with
  lovely timing. Unfortunately, posted in the
  middle of the night so missed by many of you.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator returned and
  told us to photoshop 'Cowboys.'


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE RUDE URLS - Kittenbot throws his hat into
    the rudeURL ring, re-directing this charming
    statement to everyone's favourite ISP.

  * B3TA IMAGE ON TELLY - Slim should need no
    introduction to people who use our message
    board. He's one of our best photoshop
    artists. His recent skit on the Euro 2004
    loss has turned up all over the place
    including Sky news and Richard & Judy.

    amused while watching the BBC news this
    week and noticing some supporters going,
    "Footy footy footy footy - it's a goal!"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    Get to it kids. It's a fucking great

  * APARTHEID SIMULATOR - it's been 10 years
    since the overthrow of one the most unjust
    political systems of our time. Celebrate
    with a Flash game where people fall from
    the sky and you have to push the whites
    into the land of plenty and the blacks
    into a camp.

    With Wimbledon on the telly, create a
    game involving wanking and looking at
    pretty Russian ladies in short skirts.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Sam & Stuart Clary.
  Top Tippery by witty_ditty.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord of the blings.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bobbage.
  Proofing by the ginger b4ta mafia. (74970)


  To remove the seeds from a chilli without
  resorting to rubbing oil into your hands
  or rubber gloves: Cut off the stalk end.
  Hold the now-open end over a bin with the
  chilli between your palms. Then roll the
  fruit from side-to-side; this will cause
  the seeds and the little ridge that holds
  the seeds to get rubbed off and into the bin.

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